Detransition

[Robin-in-TX]

Hello everyone,

So, in June I decided to stop HRT and try and let my body reverse course. It was not because I'm unsure if I am trans, I'm just as sure now as I was when I was 6. I just don't have the internal strength to be the real me and the timing is bad. I was changing too fast in a pandemic where no one sees me. I haven't been to my office since March and I could not imagine going in after being away for a year at the rate my body was changing. If it was slowly in the work place, maybe but it would have been alright. But as it was, it would have been a shock and as I hate being the focus of attention, I just could not do it.

In case anyone else is considering it, wondered what could happen if you stopped transition or have done it and want to compare your experience, I thought I would describe how that is for me. I took my first E pill October 8, 2019 and my first Spiro at the very end of December. I'm not sure when I took my last but I think it was around the start of the 3rd week in June. At the time I stopped, my dose was 3X what my starting dose was.

First, at the time I stopped, I loved my skin. It was soft, the hair was barely growing, I did not have a 5 o'clock shadow and I was really happy with the way that was progressing. The hair on my chest and stomach has really come back. It is softer and lighter and not as full but definitely close to pre-transition. The hair on my legs is a kind of patchy and not as full for sure. I didn't have hair on my calves pre-transition. It was rubbed off by boots during 24 years in the Army. It is still gone. Some hair on the back of my fingers has come back, it had been gone. It isn't as thick or dark though.

Before de-transitioning, my breasts were really growing and were the source of great happiness and great dread. They were hard, hurt and filling out at an alarming rate. I couldn't imagine showing up at work with them when no one had seen me in so long. They hadn't gotten so large that I'm worried about it right now. A large shirt should be fine, but if they kept going, I don't know how that would have turned out. My plan was that it would go so slowly that only I may know the difference. That was not going to happen. Since I stopped transitioning, I still have breasts. They are not firm like they were and have shrunk some but they are still there. I had a decent male chest from years of lifting and thousands of pushups. Now, I don't have a nice male chest. I have breasts. I would not go out without a shirt. I would be really self conscious about it.

My hair, which had been really thinning, filled in quite a bit during HRT. It was never going to come back enough, but there was a definite difference. Also, my hair wasn't oily at all. Now, well I think that hair loss has accelerated. Maybe I'm back to where I started, maybe it is worse, I don't know. I do know that it is real. Maybe the T really kicking in ramped that up. I don't know.

How do I feel about it? I feel a deep sense of loss. I haven't changed. I'm still trans and living a life that is false to me. I haven't purged anything and still wear night gowns to bed and women's underwear and other things. But, I felt I was becoming myself and now I have lost it. I think about restarting my transition on a daily basis. I probably won't, I just can't show up one day and shock everyone.

If you have any questions about it and the process of turning the clock back, please ask. But, please don't be snarky. This post is just to describe the process of de-transitioning as it applies to me because it might be helpful to someone who is considering it. Your experience just like the
experience with HRT may be radically different.

Robin

[Lana Mae]

Only one question! Are you happy? I would never de-transition and am so happy where I am! I do wish you well on your journey how ever you fare! Hugs Lana Mae

[Robin-in-TX]

Only one question! Are you happy? I would never de-transition and am so happy where I am! I do wish you well on your journey how ever you fare! Hugs Lana Mae

Lana Mae,

No, I'm not happy about it. It is what it is though. I could not show up a year into transition. I just could not do it.

Thank you for the well wishes.

Robin.

[Katya@]

Hi Robin,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm very saddened to read that it's something that you feel you had to do knowing it won't make you happy. I respect your decision and is good that your share it with everyone. Although reading the physical changes from detransition - is like a nightmare scenario for me...

You shared little about your job and I get the feeling that it's something very important to you and you don't want to lose it. With that said, I thought to share that I have a senior engineering position with my company where no one to my knowledge is openly trans. I became the first one and nothing really changed. I wonder how much of your fear about being known as trans at your job is in your head vs. the real downside to you. The world is changing. We have gay candidates for president, transgender state senators, and assembly persons, military officers, etc. The world is getting better thanks to all who came before us.

Anyways, I hope you could find peace one way or another. There is no stigma about whether you will change your mind or not. I suggest to work with a therapist. It's important to maintain mental health through this difficult stage in your life.

Hugs,
Katya

[Robin-in-TX]

Hi Robin,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm very saddened to read that it's something that you feel you had to do knowing it won't make you happy. I respect your decision and is good that your share it with everyone. Although reading the physical changes from detransition - is like a nightmare scenario for me...

You shared little about your job and I get the feeling that it's something very important to you and you don't want to lose it. With that said, I thought to share that I have a senior engineering position with my company where no one to my knowledge is openly trans. I became the first one and nothing really changed. I wonder how much of your fear about being known as trans at your job is in your head vs. the real downside to you. The world is changing. We have gay candidates for president, transgender state senators, and assembly persons, military officers, etc. The world is getting better thanks to all who came before us.

Anyways, I hope you could find peace one way or another. There is no stigma about whether you will change your mind or not. I suggest to work with a therapist. It's important to maintain mental health through this difficult stage in your life.

Hugs,
Katya

Thank you for reading and responding everyone. I appreciate you taking the time. I really want to be clear that this is totally internal for me. I can't continue transition under the circumstances, I am not wired for it.

I hope I didn't overly stress my job to the point that it seems I'm afraid to lose it. I'm not. From an employment and fiscal resource perspective, I am more fortunate than many of our sisters here. I'm a retired Army officer with a 100% VA disability rating. I work as an attorney for the Air Force and there are protections against discrimination. Beyond that, I do a really good job and plan to retire in just a couple of years anyway. Some people at work would accept the change and others would not. That is true for everyone, everywhere. I know that you are all familiar with the challenges.

What I don't have that many of you do is the courage to follow this path under the current circumstances. I looked at myself in the mirror, liked the changes and felt more myself but I cannot take the spotlight that would come with going from, Robin-all-guy, to Robin-a-woman all in one day. It would be like one day. I left on vacation March 6 and haven't been back. It will be at least March 2021 before I return, maybe later. If I stayed on track, who knows what my body would be by then. I'm certain it would have been noticeable because it already was.

Like many here, I learned to act like the guy that people wanted to see. It never was me. But, it is all I know and right now that is where I have to stay.

Again, thank you all for writing. The reason for my post was to talk about what it is like to go backward in case anyone is in the same position. I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, I may start transition again when life stops resembling a Stephen King novel.

Robin

[Teresa]

Robin,
Taking the spotlight is daunting at times , the feeling that all eyes are on you mostly is in the mind because people aren't looking at you anymore than others . I know it often comes from the doubts raised by knowing underneath is still a guy of some desciption , hormones aren't a magic pill so the feelings can take a long time leaving you . Transition isn't totally a one way street but doing a U turn is very hard , I feel you have been brave taking it . I guess the point is don't beat yourself up over it , if you do another U turn in the future does it really matter , you maybe more confident next time to travel further down that road .

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I don't think you "detransitioned" I think you stopped or paused it.

That's not a criticism but I think the anti-T community loves that word, loves to act like its the most horrible thing that can ever happen to a person and loves to take the most vocal de-transitioners who are often people that should have never transitioned in the first place and puts them on a pedastal..

Nothing is absolute or final especially if you havent changed your name, legal status..etc..

You need just as much if not more support for your situation than anyone that has got through this and transitioned as well.

[Robin-in-TX]

I don't think you "detransitioned" I think you stopped or paused it.

That's not a criticism but I think the anti-T community loves that word, loves to act like its the most horrible thing that can ever happen to a person and loves to take the most vocal de-transitioners who are often people that should have never transitioned in the first place and puts them on a pedastal..

Nothing is absolute or final especially if you havent changed your name, legal status..etc..

You need just as much if not more support for your situation than anyone that has got through this and transitioned as well.

Kaitlyn,

This is a fair statement. I am only describing the physical changes that I have experienced by stopping HRT at the point that I did. There is no agenda here other than to provide anecdotal information on my personal experience in case someone else is considering it and might find it helpful.

As I still consider myself trans, this is just about my body and not my sense of being. Thank you.

Robin

[phylis anne]

Hi katya,
yes what we might lose is very important especially at my age at 66 , fear of losing a job or fear on how you will be accepted are very real and affect us all differently , with me I think my daughter knows more than she is saying LOL and may be open minded to it my son on the other hand is quite phobic but I do not feel he knowledge other than what social media provides .i recently after a 10 year battle lost both mom and wife mom to heart failure at 99.5 4 months later my wife to alzheimer"s I kept her home all those years in respect to her wishes , this has left me in a strange vacum over the last year and now find myself more than ever wanting to reach out but also be accepted for who I am there again is that fear ,in my favor I am gender fluid if you will as a tomboy so easy to dress and present unisex but also lean heavier in the girl dept, if that makes any sense I am almost retired time to head back to alaska and reunite my inner peace

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love what you wrote on your chalk board sadly human wise we cannot always practice what we feel with ourselves , as to your students kids seem to me more accepting as a rule and the only backlash you might see would be a narrow minded parent acting like a karen if you will to the admin youve made it 3 years well the only reply there is youv'e got this girl!!

[Jazzy Jaz]

Though I don?t have any answers for you I sincerely hope things workout for you in the best possible way, whatever that might be.

[Dorit]

Robin dear, I believe that many of us have had the same fears of rejection if we continued on the path of transition. I did. What helped me not to let fear rule my life was intensive therapy with a gender specialists. I strongly want to encourage you to seek this while your transition is on "Hold."

[mbmeen12]

Well done Robin and I, am in the same shoes as you...and your life issues are not so radial. That is why we are here too and for supporting each other.

[MarieTS]

Robin, I can nearly feel the heart-tugging pain in your post. I feel for you: Needing to be in one place but having to go to another. Sort of a caterpillar who needs so desperately to be that butterfly but forced to become a moth. If I had the power to fix it for you I would. But you must do what is right for you. I strongly suggest you follow the advice given above and avail yourself to some counselling. It will help you deal with your detransition -- as you put it -- while at the same time providing a link to return should that need and opportunity ever present itself.
We are always here for you!

[Teresa]

Robin,
I'm not going to deny the pandemic has turned the World upside down, not to see friends and work colleagues for so long is hard to deal with . It is a depressing time full of inner soul searching . I'm sorry you have seen your progress with mixed feelings , like Katya I don't feel I could step back after seeing the wonderful results but I have never had to face work colleagues with transition issues . I do wonder if most of them will just be glad to see you back fit and healthy no matter where you were in transition , I know at some point that bridge has to be crossed . I'm not on hormones but do live fulltime I feel stepping back would affect my health too much .

I'm sure you will work it out and wish you all the best .

[Krisi]

I see a lot of conflict in your post and it's sad to see you loosing what you seem to have liked so much. Is there another choice? Get a different job? Move to a different town? Actually "come out" at work and make the transition official?

It's your choice of course, but you will only live once and if at all possible, you should live the way you want to live.

[Sarah Doepner]

Robin,
There are always reasons to put our goals and attempt to be happy on the back burner, regardless of what it is that we wish for. I waited until I was retired and my wife had passed away before I sorted everything out and now, I'm finally in transition. I've timed it to use the lockdowns to do the work and there are people who will see me for the first time as Sarah only after the pandemic is under control. But the circumstances have changed from years ago and I have a lot less to lose.
Please share here or, even better, with a counselor so you don't keep things bottled up. We all understand that is a problem that only gets bigger. You've known since age 6, so I hope you will keep the dream in your heart and consider this less a "de-transition" and more a pause in the progress you've spent years to attain.
Good luck and know there are many who love and support you regardless.

[Debra Russell]

this is the most important thing to ponder on "It's your choice of course, but you will only live once and if at all possible, you should live the way you want to live." what Krisi said and please listen to Sarah Charles ... make a happy journey .......................Debra

[Aunt Kelly]

As wrenching as I know this must be for you, be thankful that you have a choice. Be mindful though, of the implications of that choice.

Not living as our authentic self comes at a cost. The further along the path I go, the more I can see what that cost has been, and weigh that into account.

[oh to be rachel]

Question, did you have weight gain or loss either transitioning or detransitioning?

[Robin-in-TX]

Question, did you have weight gain or loss either transitioning or detransitioning?

Hi,

This is a hard question to answer. When I was at my workplace, I walked everyday at lunch and they gave us 3 hours per week to do physical training, which I always used at the gym I've been sitting in my house since March with little exercise, certainly nothing like I had and I'm not risking any gym. So, I have gained weight from sitting here and I cannot tell you if any of it is related to starting, upping dosages or stopping HRT.

Robin

[kimdl93]

Hi,

This is a hard question to answer. When I was at my workplace, I walked everyday at lunch and they gave us 3 hours per week to do physical training, which I always used at the gym I've been sitting in my house since March with little exercise, certainly nothing like I had and I'm not risking any gym. So, I have gained weight from sitting here and I cannot tell you if any of it is related to starting, upping dosages or stopping HRT.

Robin

Robin, I refer to my inactivity-induced weight gain as my Covid-19. At this point its probably closer to a covid-15 but by the time a vaccine is available it may be Covid-25!

[Nadine Spirit]

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.

I agree with you about courage, it takes lots of it to transition. I work as a middle school teacher. I left students in May for the summer as Mr ____ , and in August I had some of those same students who then learned to address me as Mrs ______ . It was very much what you described as in a radical change and not some slow process. Shockingly they all totally went with it, and I have not actually had any issues now for three years running.

If you're not ready, you're not ready. Who knows what the future will bring. It's sure to be interesting.

On the wall of my classroom I wrote - it takes bravery and courage to gain confidence.

[StaceyJane]

Robin, I work in an army Hospital on Ft Hood. While I don't present as female on the job I have been on HRT for several years and have noticeable breasts (which I totally love). Nobody has ever said anything about it. I do have a gay co worker who wears fingernail polish ever day to work. He does a good job and nobody says anything to him either.
I also shave my legs everyday and wear shorts all the time. Again no problem. Actually I really like the way my body is now and wouldn't go back to make anybody happy.

[Ugly_duckling]

Thank you for sharing this! Some of these issues are why I am not even considering transitioning right now.

[NicoleRenee]

Thank you for that Robin. I am going to start that part of the transition next month. For someone with a lot of questions about not being sure if they want to start, they have an idea of what might happen if you stop. Same thing for ones that have started and are in the same situation as you or maybe for different reasons. This is the kind of information I look for on this site. I know everyone is different but it gives good information. Again, thank you.