Hello everyone,
So, in June I decided to stop HRT and try and let my body reverse course. It was not because I'm unsure if I am trans, I'm just as sure now as I was when I was 6. I just don't have the internal strength to be the real me and the timing is bad. I was changing too fast in a pandemic where no one sees me. I haven't been to my office since March and I could not imagine going in after being away for a year at the rate my body was changing. If it was slowly in the work place, maybe but it would have been alright. But as it was, it would have been a shock and as I hate being the focus of attention, I just could not do it.
In case anyone else is considering it, wondered what could happen if you stopped transition or have done it and want to compare your experience, I thought I would describe how that is for me. I took my first E pill October 8, 2019 and my first Spiro at the very end of December. I'm not sure when I took my last but I think it was around the start of the 3rd week in June. At the time I stopped, my dose was 3X what my starting dose was.
First, at the time I stopped, I loved my skin. It was soft, the hair was barely growing, I did not have a 5 o'clock shadow and I was really happy with the way that was progressing. The hair on my chest and stomach has really come back. It is softer and lighter and not as full but definitely close to pre-transition. The hair on my legs is a kind of patchy and not as full for sure. I didn't have hair on my calves pre-transition. It was rubbed off by boots during 24 years in the Army. It is still gone. Some hair on the back of my fingers has come back, it had been gone. It isn't as thick or dark though.
Before de-transitioning, my breasts were really growing and were the source of great happiness and great dread. They were hard, hurt and filling out at an alarming rate. I couldn't imagine showing up at work with them when no one had seen me in so long. They hadn't gotten so large that I'm worried about it right now. A large shirt should be fine, but if they kept going, I don't know how that would have turned out. My plan was that it would go so slowly that only I may know the difference. That was not going to happen. Since I stopped transitioning, I still have breasts. They are not firm like they were and have shrunk some but they are still there. I had a decent male chest from years of lifting and thousands of pushups. Now, I don't have a nice male chest. I have breasts. I would not go out without a shirt. I would be really self conscious about it.
My hair, which had been really thinning, filled in quite a bit during HRT. It was never going to come back enough, but there was a definite difference. Also, my hair wasn't oily at all. Now, well I think that hair loss has accelerated. Maybe I'm back to where I started, maybe it is worse, I don't know. I do know that it is real. Maybe the T really kicking in ramped that up. I don't know.
How do I feel about it? I feel a deep sense of loss. I haven't changed. I'm still trans and living a life that is false to me. I haven't purged anything and still wear night gowns to bed and women's underwear and other things. But, I felt I was becoming myself and now I have lost it. I think about restarting my transition on a daily basis. I probably won't, I just can't show up one day and shock everyone.
If you have any questions about it and the process of turning the clock back, please ask. But, please don't be snarky. This post is just to describe the process of de-transitioning as it applies to me because it might be helpful to someone who is considering it. Your experience just like the
experience with HRT may be radically different.
Robin