Bad Experiences in Public?

[GwenHerself]

Hello ladies,

I am still new to everything and have never been out in public as Gwen. Some of you have given me encouragement through your words and experiences, and I am so grateful for that support. I have to wonder though, have any of you had bad experiences out and about while dressed? Any advice on how to avoid bad situations?

[Princess29]

Hi Gwen

Ultimately, there is just no way of knowing how someone is going to react when they see you but that is the case for any situation. If the thought of what might happen (outside of anything to do with the covid situation) is stopping you going out, then yes, you won't have to worry about being hassled but you also might miss out on something wonderful happening too. Most people are caught up in their own little worlds to notice (or care) what someone else is doing

[Jean 103]

What is your goal?

If you are looking to get to a point that your comfortable in public now is a pretty good time. With the masks and distancing, it works to your advance.

Simply go and do something that you always do in the middle of the day. Like go pick up a few groceries. Sounds simple enough, and it is.

Basically , start small and build from there. Being safe is about being smart.

[Rachelakld]

Over 20 years of going out, about 8 years ago (or 400 outings ago), 1 guy about 40 yards away got lippy. I was hoping in my car at the time so I just ignored him, and drove away.

There is a slight difference, as I'm very happy to go into self defense mode if some approaches in an aggressive manor.

[cindylouho]

I cant speak from experience, but when to go out depends entirely on you and your circumstances. More than likely nothing bad will happen, (Unless you happen to live somewhere decidedly un-liberal) there may even be a better chance that something empowering happens, but each individual has to figure it out weighing their pros and cons. Unfortunately if someone doesn't know your full story they cant give you the best advice. I have suffered from depression as long as I can remember, I have to balance out the possibility of a depressive tailspin I could be sent into vs an empowering experience that could enrich my life. Good luck figuring it out Gwen, i'll wish myself some luck as well

[Alice Torn]

Cindy. Things both nice and not so nice happen in liberal places, too. I all depends on individuals.

[josie_S]

such great advice here. Way back when I first joined this site, I had similar questions but never thought to ask them (duh), so I'm glad you did. Back then I heard that you should check your car before you go: check tail lights, tire pressure, etc and to also have a bag of drab clothes with you, including make up remover, in case you break down (or worse). I got pulled over once because I had a busted tail light, and while the cop was very professional (and even sweet), I was terrified. After that, it's very standard stuff: very handsy men, bring your lipstick, keep your drink with you at all times, and try not to go alone. I went alone to a few bars (with other cds there) and still had fun, but it was also lonely at times.

[docrobbysherry]

I don't/can't do either but I've been out a lot. Mostly to T friendly clubs, bars, events, etc.

I can't tell u the number of unpleasant experiences I've suffered thru at vanilla venues.

But then again, I like to look attractive when I'm out. So, I don't dress like a little old lady and I'm an obvious MAID!

[GwenHerself]

I can't express how grateful I am for the wealth of information and advice you all have shared with me. I've belonged to several forums for other interests, but this is the first time I have ever felt like I truly am accepted and belong. You all are the best. I hope I can pay this forward <3

[Sometimes Steffi]

Back then I heard that you should check your car before you go: check tail lights, tire pressure, etc and to also have a bag of drab clothes with you, including make up remover, in case you break down (or worse). I got pulled over once because I had a busted tail light, and while the cop was very professional (and even sweet), I was terrified.

A few years ago, I was driving home from the Keystone Conference, en femme. I got a little bit sleepy driving home, so I stopped in a parking lot to catch a few zzz's before driving the rest of the way home. I turned the car off, but left the keys in the ignition to make sure that I could find them again. I think that leaving the keys in the ignition left the running lights on, so when I woke up after about 20 minutes, I had run down the battery and the engine wouldn't turn over.

I called AAA to get my battery jumped. I had one set of men's clothes with me, plus, I also had some women's jeans and some androgynous tops that I could have changed into. I decided to just be a big girl about it and stayed en femme. The AAA guy came and was very professional. He jumped my car and didn't make any comments about my dress.

No problems at all.

[Helen_Highwater]

One of the things talked about regularly here are those pesky little gremlins that sit on your shoulder whispering things like the mob is waiting for you if you open the door.

It would be wrong to say there's not risk involved but like most things risk can be managed. I've said in the past that even with a squad of fully armed SAS with me there are places I wouldn't go in drab let alone dressed. The trick is to know what's safe and what isn't.

So firstly to answer your question, the worst thing that's happened to me is having a shop owner repeatedly call me "Buddy" and a petrol station SA pointedly say "Thanks mate" having served me.

Most CD's start by going out for a walk at night on deserted streets or parks. Wrong! Ask you wife if she'd feel safe doing that and the answer will be no. Shopping in a supermarket, yes.

The same rules apply to us. It's counter-intuitive but being out in a busy shopping mall in broad daylight is about the safest thing you can do.

Also, trust your spidi senses. If it feels wrong then it often is. I went to eat in a Chinese restaurant I'd used before. Looking though the window I could see a table of about 10 teen aged boys and girls. Boys like to show off so I opted to avoid any possible confrontation and eat elsewhere. Simple common sense.

So OK ways to test the water. Get dressed and go for a drive. You'll feel nervous but how often when out driving do you really look at other drivers? Most are doing 30mph in the opposite direction so if at all it's a glance.

Drive though fast food. You'll be served by a teenager more interested in talking to other staff members and if they do clock you, who cares you'll never see them again. Cash from an ATM. Supermarkets are the safest. Park 30m or more from a postbox, get out and post a letter to yourself and that way you get a momento of the occasion.

The flip side of this is while out dressed i've spent time while travelling on buses and trains chatting to fellow passengers. Bored SA's and I have talked about all sorts of things. People are generally nice and if you're confident folks will engage with you.

So yes there are dangers but simple common sense can minimise those and the sheer enjoyment I've experienced over the years has been priceless to me.

[Star01]

Cheryl T, I can relate to your concerns about hitting a deer while out driving around en femme. My son lives an hour from me out in farmland and I had to go over there a few nights ago after dark. It was fine while I was on the two lane highways but half of the drive was down a country road. I had just turned onto the county road and someone pulling a trailer with a pickup truck was right on my rear bumper so that the glare from the headlights was affecting my ability to scan the ditches out of the corner of my eye. A huge buck jumped across the road, they are amazing animals and can jump over a two lane highway without their hoofs touching the road. He couldn't have been more than fifteen feet in front of me and if he had run into the drivers side door he would have taken the window and the side of my head out. I slowed down after that and about a city block later there was a doe standing in the middle of the road looking in the opposite direction. I crept up to her until she heard my motor and took off running. I was not dressed en femme but that kind of remote location where a person can drive ten miles and maybe not see another vehicle and deer are jumping out of nowhere is what it's like in my world. Deer crossing the road brings that point home better than anything I could have thought of. I share your experiences when it comes to driving through deer country. I have come across whole herds of deer standing in the road on some drives.

[southerngirl]

I've being going out dressed for the past two years. I have never had anything negative happen. Everyone has always been friendly. I live in the south where that sort of treatment is unexpected. Like Helen said, be conscientious of the places you go. I would not randomly stop at a house on a country road. I would not expect people living in that type of area to be supportive. They probably would not hurt me, but might say some unpleasant things. Going places you think that are normally safe in the city should not yield any problems. Once you get out that first time you'll be over the big hurdle and you'll find each time much easier. Let us know how your first time goes.

Southerngirl

[char GG]

Hi Gwen,

Just remember, only do what you are comfortable doing. Don't go out just because others do. If you walk around like a scared cat, you will be noticed. Confidence seems to be the "key ingredient" in going out. Leaving the house CDed is not a requirement.

If you have an overwhelming need to go out, do be aware of your surroundings and stick to public, preferably crowded areas. Going for walks in a downtown area or a grocery store with a mask is a great way to break the ice if you feel the need to be out in public.

[Di]

Everyone is giving such great advice.
I especially like Helen and Chars

It is not a race if it is something you want to do great,for others they have no desire tov venture out.

I recommend visualizing it before getting out of the car, walk confident, head held high, no constant looking around to see if people are looking as that will just make people look to see why you are doing that. Dress to fit in/ blend .
If a short school girl skirt is your thing this is not the time lol ( whatever is your thing)
So if you do decide hold your head high you are doing nothing wrong.

[sara66]

i have only been out about a dozen times. I have never had a problem and only a couple of double takes. I am a day dweller, I like to shop, meet a couple of GG friends for lunch and thing like that. I think for a first outing a day trip would be best. The first couple of trips out I dressed at a friends, now I leave from home.
Sara

[Teresa]

Gwen,
When I moved to my new home town after separating from my wife I intended to go full time as Teresa , it was quite a step from being in the closet when I lived with my wife . The first week was a real learning curve , setting up a new home meant trips to banks , GP's surgeries , supermarkets , DIY stores and a car spare shop . I didn't have a single problem , no passing remarks or double takes , I was just allowed to get on with my business of living and taking care of myself .

A lesson I learned early on is don't keep looking over your shoulder expecting a bad response , if you don't go looking for one you won't get one .

The bottom line is be comfortable with yourself before venturing too far , the more you go out the easier it becomes , it's been almost three years now and I never give my situation a second thought .

If you know some situations would be risky in male mode then it's a definite no when dressed .

[Lana Mae]

Great advise here! Dress appropriate for the venue! You do belong there!
My worst experience was at the local J C Penney(now gone, sigh!)! I went in dressed and was window shopping! When I was leaving, a young clerk said, "Good evening, ...sir!" I just held my head up and walked out without missing a beat! She was out of work in less than a week as the store closed!
I have had stares and various facial expressions but that clerk was the only one who ever said anything in a negative manner! I have also been "sir" ed by grocery clerks, but more as a they were not sure type thing! Now my "ma'am"s out number my "sir"s!!! I have even been called "miss"!
If you are ready to go out, it can be a wonderful experience but be sure you are ready!
Wishing you a great experience if you do! Best wishes on your journey!
Hugs Lana Mae

[Stevann]

About 15 years ago walking in a huge indoor mall, a guy started following me, wanting to show me a good time. I couldn't seem to shake him - I would duck into stores for women, and he waited in the main hallway until I came out. I was determined to keep going, but was planning to stop the first mall police that I found. Where ARE those people when you need them? I decided to give up and returned back in the direction to the mall entrance where I parked. Somewhere on that return trip he disappeared. While it seemed like my day was ruined, it didn't stop me from going out. I'm sure many women have had to deal with such creeps.

[SaraLin]

About 15 years ago walking in a huge indoor mall, a guy started following me, wanting to show me a good time. I couldn't seem to shake him - I would duck into stores for women, and he waited in the main hallway until I came out.

Not that it helps now, but I'm wondering if you could have asked the sales people in one of the stores to call mall security for you and tell them there was a man harassing you.


As for the OP's questions, yes I've had bad experiences. I've had stares, giggles, snarky comments, and people trying to take pictures through their car windows. I've even had one doctor refuse to admit me to hospital after a motorcycle accident because he wasn't admitting "one of them."

No violent confrontations though.

[Genifer Teal]

In general overly forward guys hitting on me. Touching too much. Not taking hint when I ignore them. Don't be afraid to be direct and say you are not interested. Ask a bouncer of you need further help.

[Helen_Highwater]

Let me add one of my top tips should you decide to go out somewhere new for you. The first time I ventured out in Manchester's Gay village I'd done my research. I knew where the car parks were, even at what time the cheap evening parking rates started. Once I'd picked one I used Google Street View to check the area out. Hence when I got there it was all fairly familiar to me. I recognised which streets I needed to walk down, where the venue was I was heading to.

Having that knowledge took away a deal of uncertainty and as such I felt more confident in myself which meant I was able to present better, walk taller if you will. I've done the same thing many times such as the first visit to a wig store. Knew where to park, and which way to go, not a stranger in a strange place.

As for car parks, avoid multi-story car parks if it's likely you'll be there late in the evening. Deserted concrete shells like those can be a bit scary when all you hear is the sound of your heels. Street level offers more protection as you're visible to others passing by. It's just about being sensible and thinking like a woman.

Oh, going back to your question, I think I once got insulted in Welsh by the guy in the serving hatch of a drive through Mac's but couldn't say for sure.

[BobbiKay]

Not that it helps now, but I'm wondering if you could have asked the sales people in one of the stores to call mall security for you and tell them there was a man harassing you.

As an alternative, you could have asked the sales people to let you out the back door of the store, into the service corridor, so you could exit without being seen.

[abby054]

The old advice applies here...when in Rome, do as the Romans do. When out as a woman, dress as women your age do. Go to places where women your age go. Avoid places that women avoid. That goes double when alone. Behave as women your age behave. Not sure? Go in drab to places you want to go later en femme and do your homework. En femme, you become your twin sister for all practical purposes. Dress and act like it. Rare indeed will be your troubles if you use your head.

My worst occasion was riding the T from Cambridge through downtown Boston to North Station, mid afternoon on a Saturday forty years ago. It was my first year crossdressing regularly in public. A smart woman would observed her surroundings to see nearly everyone exiting at Government Center. She would have chosen to walk with the stream of people those last two blocks to North Station. An irony of crossdressing is that we are safer in a crowd than being alone when out and about. I stayed on the streetcar, alone but for three punks in the back of the car. They gave me an obscene catcall as I exited. Scary but I survived. And that is my worst experience. It was a wake up call to not only make the extra effort to look like a woman but more importantly, to make the extra effort to think like a woman.

[Alexis00]

The old advice applies here...when in Rome, do as the Romans do. When out as a woman, dress as women your age do. Go to places where women your age go. Avoid places that women avoid. That goes double when alone. Behave as women your age behave. Not sure? Go in drab to places you want to go later en femme and do your homework. En femme, you become your twin sister for all practical purposes. Dress and act like it. Rare indeed will be your troubles if you use your head. ?

This is such great, smart advice!

My worst occasion was riding the T from Cambridge through downtown Boston to North Station, mid afternoon on a Saturday forty years ago. It was my first year crossdressing regularly in public. A smart woman would observed her surroundings to see nearly everyone exiting at Government Center. She would have chosen to walk with the stream of people those last two blocks to North Station. An irony of crossdressing is that we are safer in a crowd than being alone when out and about. I stayed on the streetcar, alone but for three punks in the back of the car. They gave me an obscene catcall as I exited. Scary but I survived. And that is my worst experience. It was a wake up call to not only make the extra effort to look like a woman but more importantly, to make the extra effort to think like a woman.

I got followed for a bit by some teenage girls near Faneuil Hall. A very well dressed woman walking the other way saw what was going on (and read me, I assume) and stopped them in their tracks. I was very grateful I wasn?t sure how to handle it.I’ve always been impressed by how kind some women are .