Questioning myself

[Scarlett1975]

Hi everyone, I've been a member for a few years but havnt posted in a while. My cross dressing has evolved and apart from underdressing plus makeup everyday my wife and I often go out with me dressed. As a background I have a very male trade orientated job, 3 kids and am not attracted to males at all. I love my wife and also women in general. I am feeling the need to dress full time but that has consequences for myself, my family and my job. At this stage I'm planning on keeping thus under wraps but I'd love to hear others in a similar situation.

[Jacke]

I understand your situation. At your age and commitments it can be hard. I am retired, but have a part time job and can not let my dressing be known. Fortunately my wife is pretty accepting. A time for more revelation may come, but in the meantime be patient with yourself. No need to make a rash decision that may have ro be reversed.

[Di]

Hi ya I went back and checked out old posts of yours and saw in 2017 you were questioning yourself then to.
But I read your wife realizes it is apart of you and that is good.
I know back then some suggested you see a therapist but your wife was not wanting you to.
Did that change?

I am sure that you can find something that works for you both and they will have great advice for you here. Best Wishes

[kimdl93]

Honestly, i suspect that questioning oneself is a normal and persistent aspect of being transgender. Having a supportive wife and being able to find opportunities to go out together has to be very gratifying. Wish I had been so fortunate in my own life. It speaks well of you and your wife.

During my marriages, I too largely confined myself to under dressing, but eventually I realized I wanted more. I quite mistakenly assumed that I could slowly turn up the level...and that my wife would acclimate like a frog in a pot of water. That was a horribly mistaken assumption and it eventually cost me my marriage.

[Scarlett1975]

I havnt sort professional help on this issue but have tried a few things sexually which have helped me identify who I am. My wife is happy for me to live full time as a woman however she possibly knows I don't as there are major concequenses for my family that I will not put them through. I feel the kids will work it out one day. I've also lost more weight which is kinda feeding these feelings,I fear once I'm super happy with how I look I may not be able to suppress this any longer.

[Robertacd]

Been there, done that.

Eventually you will have to decide if you want to stay in the closet or come out and let the chips fall where they will...

[CD Rachel]

I may not be able to suppress this any longer.

You will probably need to find a happy middle ground that allows you to express yourself enough to relieve the pressure. Suppressing the feelings will only lead you into a pressure cooker that feels like it is about to explode. Having someone to confide in and can help guide you will help a lot. I hope you can find your way.

Rachel

[Teresa]

Scarlett,
Often we fear consequences that only live in our heads , one of my counsellors tried to cure me of tail chasing . I have to admit she was right in many cases , I manged to come out to my son which has turned out OK . I admit trying to find some answers has come at a price but so has happiness .

[Scarlett1975]

Great replies , I guess for me what would I come out as? I don't fit into the mould that most would assume (gay), so I'd be a trans woman who likes women? Would be somewhat hard to explain I'm guessing.

[Robertacd]

You would be a Transwoman, just like me.

A woman being attracted to another woman is nothing new.

Gender and sexual orientation are two different things

[docrobbysherry]

Now, I'm questioning your questioning, Scarlett. Not coming out simply because you're not gay?

Maybe 90%+ of dressers r not gay. Should they all stay in the closet for that reason alone? Personally, I'm out a lot and I'm sure many folks think I'm gay. But, other than T admirers at T events? That's just not an issue I've ever worried about!

Why does it bother u? You're not dating.

[susanmichelle]

I?m in the same thought train as you are on this. The only real difference is I?ve been married and now divorced from the last one since 94. I love women to death but just can?t seem to work it out with them only one has tried to blame the dressing on our split up but had nothing to do with it in all reality. But since then I?ve dated quite a few and they all knew from the beginning of our relationships that I dressed. There again it was other reasons not even any the same reasons we split up. Only one thing actually did come up was they married a man and wanted to be with a man. Guess it was too much to handle. All the ones I?ve dated had other reasons for our breakups like the last one she has ocd issues and no one would be able to make her happy but we?re still best of friends 22 years later. Not the reason we broke up though the dressing. I just live for
Myself today and everyday. I?m in my opinion too old to start over with another marriage anyway. I?m actually almost trans completely today.

[Scarlett1975]

Some very interesting replies. I fear I was also generalizing in a way.had a talk with wifey and she is concerned about close friends and family which us fair. For now I will continue to underdress, dress at night and in nights out. We will move towards a career change where she will work full time and I will fully dress except for when kids are around. It sucks to have to suppress it but life is about compromises I guess .

[Teresa]

Scarlett,
The bottom line is you come out as YOU !

I've been roasted over my thoughts on labels , to me it's a treadmill some get stuck on trying to find the right box . Once you are free to step out in the RW the only label I need on a daily basis is my name , Teresa . People have to make up their own minds what they thnk you are but most aren't bothered , occasioanlly I get the question , " are you gay ?" My answer to that is , " no but if I were why would you have aproblem with that ?"

You are fighting with explanations along with other issues , all this is down to finding your identity , as you say , if I'm out in the RW what would I be ? You can't really answer that until you reach that stage and when you do you begin to question what was all the fuss about ?

[GretchenM]

It is healthy to question yourself as it helps you to sort out the priorities. Lots of good responses. I side with finding a compromise that provides some stability in your life without necessarily being perfect. I think you need to consider the needs of your kids and not impose your wishes and desires on them. Kids are versatile and a lot more versatile than many think, but if kids at school find out your kids have a trans dad that may not go very well. Kids do have cruel streak and teasing, at the very least, could be tough for your kids. So, I think you need to put a lot of emphasis on what is best for your kids rather than what is best for you.

Please don't associate trans behavior with sexual orientation. They are not connected unless you conceptually connect them. Some trans people are attracted to others of the same sex, or to either sex, or have the more common attraction to the opposite sex. But that rarely changes with transition.

Good luck and do not rule out seeing a family therapist if you get twisted in a knot and can't make a decision. Therapists can help you get untangled. They help you find your own direction and, if they are any good, they will not tell you what you should or shouldn't do.

[Scarlett1975]

Thank you to all who replied, it has been very helpful