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Thread: My Marriage

  1. #1
    Member CD Rachel's Avatar
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    My Marriage

    It is over. My wife came over to my house last night to talk and told me she has decided not to pursue our marriage. She feels we are both moving in different directions and want different things. I am sure that she is referring to my CD/TG here and she tells me she is looking for a closer relationship with God. She had told me before that she married a man and did not want to be married to ?something else?. She says she has forgiven me but then says she does not believe me when I say that I have been faithful or that I love her and want to try to work on fixing our marriage.

    Of course she says that she wants to stay friends and hopes that we can continue to see each other as such. Right now I am just hurting. Right now I do not see how I can separate loving her and being friends. I think I will need time and space to process my feelings and allow time for my love for her to fade. Maybe then we could be friends.

    I am just hurting so much right now. I know that there is a new future out there waiting for me but right now all I want is the past.

    Rachel

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Rachel,
    I've recently been through this myself , I know it's full of mixed emotions . Of course you are hurting but there are positives , she is being level headed and honest with you , she is giving herself and you a chance to rethink your life and more importantly she isn't threatening terrible reprisals . Please believe it is possible to remain friends , you don't mention children but I have a grown up son and daughter and three grandchildren and I'm still there for them as they are supportive of me .

    Time is a healer but I will admit when I followed the removal company with all my possesions out of the drive of the old family home I knew it was also the end of my marriage and the start of a new life as Teresa . In the UK after two years it's possible to apply for a divorce through a government scheme , so we don't have to use legal channels so all it cost is ?550.00 . I applied in early March and my absolute came through a couple of weeks ago . My wife still rings most weeks , we chat about family and often talk about old times , the important point is there is very little bitterness , so many of the memories remain good ones . She admits she made mistakes and could have handled it better , she has met me as Teresa and accepts me living full time .

    Please PM me if you need to chat , just talking really does help , I wish yoiu all the best .
    The real me , no going back.

  3. #3
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    Rachel,

    I am sorry for the news on your marriage. Cherish the memories, and realize that couples may grow apart over time. Divorce can be shocking and lead to all kinds of emotions and self-doubt and questioning. Don't get down on yourself.

    Your wife's approach to ending the marriage and moving on appears to be amicable. Take one day at a time and allow yourself to be open to change.

    Best wishes!

  4. #4
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    Hi Rachel. Sorry to hear about your marriage.

    I went through the same thing. After 20 years and 4 kids we separated. Shortly after that divorced. She did know about my CDing, but it wasn't the problem. There were other issues. Separating and divorcing was difficult. I didn't want it to happen but was powerless to stop it. Her mind was made up.

    We both got involved in other relationships. Apparently that didn't work for either of us. Ironically after being divorced for three years we decided to put it back together. We got married again. It's now been another 20 years on the second go around.

    You never know what might happen, but you need to be prepared for the worst. For me it was very much a lesson in how to let go of someone you love. I had a hard time being friends. It hurt too much. It was difficult to be friends with someone I loved who was saying they don't want me anymore. Time does heal. It does get easier over time. You could have a bright future, maybe meet someone who will be more understanding and flexible. You just never know right?

    Best wishes.
    Last edited by sweetdreams; 12-04-2020 at 10:54 AM.
    Why fit in when you were born to stand out? - Dr. Suess

  5. #5
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    I've followed your threads concerning your marriage. Six months ago it appeared as if there was some sort of progress being made with acceptance. Then all blew up with the porn on your computer. And, desires to further your femininity. The fact you and your wife were going to a Christian counselor did not sit well with me. I have the sense the counselor was taking your wife in a totally different direction than mediation in your marriage. I find her forgiveness to be rather hollow. She says she forgives you, but, then fully rejects you and says she does not believe you? If you are such a "bad guy" why would she want to "remain friends" with you. I sense there is a lot of blame shifting going on.

    Take time to process all your feelings.

  6. #6
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    Accept her forgiveness - it will set her free.
    Forgive yourslef - it will set you free.

    You are not in a good space right now and it is important that you do nothing rash for at least a couple of months. Time heals. Take Stephanie's advice and pause to reflect.

    All the best.

  7. #7
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Rachel, my ex and I split 20+ years ago. And, I'm still resentful she left me! I think u r very smart to avoid her as much as possible until u can forgive her.

    And, I hope u will NOT blame yourself or your dressing for your marriage failing. Over 50% of marriages fail. And, they don't have anything to do with CDing!

    Some, maybe most, marriages just weren't meant to LAST!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  8. #8
    Member CD Rachel's Avatar
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    So I survived the first 24 hours. It felt like a year. My daughter came to spend a few hours with me and held my hand while i cried. I think that i must be made of tears because it is all i can do right now. I have no idea what i am going to do, we have been together since i was 18 and now at 53 I know of nothing else. The loneliness is hard but now having no hope of getting back together has left me feeling shattered.

    Thank you everyone for your support. It means a great deal to me to be able to come here and know that someone was thinking of me and if even for a moment cared about me.

    Rachel

  9. #9
    Member Cassiek's Avatar
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    Rachel. Sorry to hear about this. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk privately I am going through similar situation.

  10. #10
    New Member Jade P's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CD Rachel View Post
    So I survived the first 24 hours. It felt like a year. My daughter came to spend a few hours with me and held my hand while i cried. I think that i must be made of tears because it is all i can do right now. I have no idea what i am going to do, we have been together since i was 18 and now at 53 I know of nothing else. The loneliness is hard but now having no hope of getting back together has left me feeling shattered.

    Thank you everyone for your support. It means a great deal to me to be able to come here and know that someone was thinking of me and if even for a moment cared about me.

    Rachel
    So sorry Rachel. It is normal to feel the way you are feeling after all the love and commitment you shared. In time things will get better and you may see that it is best for both you. Hope it helps to know others have experienced similar issues and we care

  11. #11
    Member Lux's Avatar
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    Rachel,

    Oy, I feel your pain through your words. Having been through divorce myself I can sympathize and easily remember those dark days. Probably the most depressing and dark time of my life. Speaking for myself, I remember back then that some days I wanted to be back with her remembering all the good times and then the next day I was happy that I was no longer going to be with someone who couldn’t accept me 100% for being myself. Back and forth, a constant heart break.

    Anyways, to make a long story short....I survived. And you will too. And as I’ve said before, I have never been happier with my current wife of almost 10 years. I would never have met her if I stayed and hid my true self, continuing to deny who I was by hiding my female side. Now I have 100% acceptance of my female side and my dressing. For example, just yesterday I came home from work and she had washed my delicate lingerie and hung them on her drying rack. Just made me smile and appreciate her all the more. I am 100% certain that I was better off not being with someone that could never accept and fully love me.

    Hang in there, time heals all wounds.
    Last edited by Lux; 12-06-2020 at 02:29 AM.

  12. #12
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    Miss Rachel, everyday, emotionally it will get better. I have been there; done that,,,, twice, neither my fault (one cheated and second found she had been Gay). Oh it was emotionally tough for me but with expressing to your friends etc, this too will pass.
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

  13. #13
    Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CD Rachel View Post
    I am sure that she is referring to my CD/TG here and she tells me she is looking for a closer relationship with God.
    You are sure? Did you ask? Because if you didn't I'd say it's bloody well time to clarify everything and leave no stones unturned. It's never over until it's over, and you should really decide if you want to fight for this marriage or more or less unconsciously want out? Which leads to this second quote.
    Quote Originally Posted by CD Rachel View Post
    She says she has forgiven me but then says she does not believe me when I say that I have been faithful or that I love her and want to try to work on fixing our marriage.
    And why is that? Does she have reasons to think that you are not committed to this marriage? Maybe you are still keeping information from her? Or maybe you simply don't know what you would like to be, to do, and can't answer her concerns and worries?
    The real question here is whether you want to keep fighting for this marriage or want to throw the towel for whatever reason.
    Maybe it's too late, maybe not. Long lasting couples are a battle. But one thing is sure, if you decide to fight this battle, you will need to be 100% honest, any lie, any omission will kill your efforts. Oh, and you'll have to make the first move. Quickly.
    Whatever your decision, you have my sympathies and I wish you good luck.
    Last edited by DianeT; 12-05-2020 at 05:38 AM.

  14. #14
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    I believe Diane T is giving you wonderful, heartfelt advice if you believe you truly want to save your marriage. Many have been in positions where we are ready to end a marriage but it really isn't over until it's over.

    She says she has forgiven me but then says she does not believe me when I say that I have been faithful or that I love her and want to try to work on fixing our marriage.
    This ^ is very telling. Why doesn't she believe you? Have you given her cause to doubt? Kept secrets? Promises that you can't keep? If you are intent on keeping this marriage together, it's time for some introspective searching. What is most important to you? What is most important to her? If you think you will be happier divorced, then you have your answer. Be brutally honest with yourself and with her. If not, search your heart. Behaviors can be modified. Neither of you have to keep on the same path to ending the marriage. Just think about it.

  15. #15
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    There is something missing in this conversation. Rachel and her wife went to a Christian counselor on March 16th. She openly put forth her issues; porn viewing and femininity/dressing. The immediate response? Out the door March 17th. Rachel continues the counseling. What about her wife? All I have read is now her wife wants to terminate the marriage. In my mind there is something missing. I am not so quick to question Rachel's desire to be committed to the marriage, During the time between March 16th and now what has her wife done? Has she had individual counseling? Was there any joint sessions? What influence has the Christian counselor had with her wife? What does it mean when her wife states she wants "a closer relationship with God"?

    As I have expressed many times on this forum I have gone to counseling since 2010 for PTSD issues related to combat while in Viet Nam. Depending upon my "needs" the counseling was weekly, then less to every three weeks, and, then settled in at every two weeks. I also go weekly to a group meeting with veterans with similar issues. All has been productive. Along this timeline my wife and I, who is also a veteran, attempted joint counseling. Due to the nature of the practice (VA setting) my wife had a different counselor. Our sessions were on an individual basis. Then followed with joint sessions. When the direction of the counseling went in a direction my wife did not want to go, she stopped attending. My wife has her own issues which she did not want to address.

    My point is; Were there any joint counseling sessions? In Rachel's individual sessions what was the goal set forth with the Christian counselor? I find it rather disturbing if there were no joint counseling and the end result of the March 16th session from her wife is the marriage is over on December 3rd. Did the Christian counselor update Rachel's wife about Rachel's sessions? What direction, if any, did the counselor take this marriage?

    For me, there are too many holes in this time line.

  16. #16
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Mod Note:

    Just a reminder, Rachel. This forum does not allow discussion about religion. I left a few things in your post that I would normally remove because it was what your wife told you about her decision to end the marriage.

    Please keep that in mind when responding in the future.

  17. #17
    Member CD Rachel's Avatar
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    Diane T and char GG, and Stephanie.

    First I want to thank you for your advice. I do appreciate it.

    I have been fighting for my marriage ever since she first found out that i may be more than just a cross dresser back in February. Though i did start out believing that i was only a cross dresser as the gender dysphoria continued and even got worse, I wanted to be more feminine. I purchased an estrogen product back in late January, hoping that it would help me and I hid this from her. I also hid from her the pornography. So yes she has every reason not to believe me. When she looked at the porn on my laptop there was a lot of cross dresser, Transgender and gay porn. So she thinks that I am gay and have been hiding this from her since I was 18 and that I only married her so I could hide my homosexuality behind our marriage. Yes she told me this.

    After some additional counseling (no not the Christian guy the more helpful counselor) I admitted that I am probably Bi-sexual. On Dec 3 I admitted this to my wife and told her that I do not need to ever have relations with a man in order to feel complete. That I love her and desire her and that I never had relations with a man and do not need to. That is where she stopped me and told me flat out that she does not believe me. She thinks that I cheated on her and nothing I can say now alters her thinking. She has convinced herself that I am planning to transition to full female and she does not want to be married to a woman. She can only remember the bad parts of our marriage and none of the good. Why did she stay with me for 32 years if it was always so bad? The answer is it was not. There were a lot of good times but she is choosing to forget those times in order to justify the divorce.

    Since this whole thing started I have been going to counseling. She has been to counseling 3 times with me and maybe 3 times on her own. I do not feel that she has made an honest effort to save our marriage. I am writing her a letter in the hopes of the "Hail Mary" pass asking her to give us 6 months of counseling before making her decision final. I can only feel that she may have her own undisclosed reasons for ending the marriage that she is not putting on the table. But she has never before given me reason not to trust her so i am hoping that if she consents to the counseling that maybe we will still have a chance.

    Rachel

    Char,
    I understand the forum rules. As you seem to understand there are certain parts of the narrative that would be left glaringly blank with out some mention of religion. I have no intent that this thread should be used as a platform for debating or discussing religion of any sort. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

  18. #18
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    I don't think it is the CD'ing, or the porn, the trust has been broken. Sometimes impossible to repair. IMO, trust is a major deal, loose it and the rest doesn't matter because in the wife's mind you are lying any way. I don't even think the religion part has anything to do with it either.

    Most of the conversations here about dealing with a wife of a CD'er that got caught usually end up with trust issues.

  19. #19
    Member DianeT's Avatar
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    I think a letter is a good idea. It gives you time to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it, and her time to ponder it. When communication is broken a letter can make its way through. That is what my wife did in a few occasions when the going got rough and discussion was impossible. In her letters she explained her distress and the reasons she did this or said that, and it touched my heart every time.

  20. #20
    Member CD Rachel's Avatar
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    Diane

    Unfortunately i tried a letter when this had all started at my counselors urging. He wanted it to be a confession of sorts acknowledging my wrong doing and accepting responsibility for it. I also acknowledged that i had hurt her and asked for her forgiveness. It was shortly after that when she told me that she wanted to buy her own house and move away. Her comment on the letter was that it was nothing that she did not already know about.

    I am truly at my end here, i honestly do not know what to do or how to get through the next minute. I so desperately want the letter that i have written to at least give us a chance but the reality is that she does not love me anymore and will probably reject the request to go to counseling. Her heart has turned to ice where it concerns me and my heart is broken. i do not know what to do.
    I want the pain to stop.

    R

  21. #21
    Member Dannigirl's Avatar
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    Hi Rachel, I know it is hard to believe but the pain will stop, it will take some time. My first wife left me, she never knew about my dressing but the divorce was still painful and I really hated being a "statistic" - thought I would never find anybody again. Then WHAM, one day I did and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so happy now and see that I thought I was happy before, kind of was, but now I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. This was all within a year of getting divorced ! It happens and it can happen to you. My current wife just says I was in training with my first wife. I never ever mentioned dressing to my ex but I finally told my wife after a couple of years and she is fully accepting and has no issues with me dressing. Just hang in there, accept that we don't always get to make the decisions but have to go along with what other people might decide for us. Good luck and don't beat yourself up about what is happening.

  22. #22
    Accepting GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    This is so sad. I hate to see this . Seriously .I am trying to somehow think of something but swear this EXACT thing . EXACT thing is what happened to my ex husband and I . He had a terrible porn addiction from age 17 , progressed to trans porn , after some years he is wired for basically only that while dressing himself , marries me without telling me . Years go by I try to educate myself here an other places. He also hid a form of estrogen , horribly modifying his body , SWEARS he has gender dysphoria but its actually intense pink fog from the hard core constant concentration of trans porn . Swore he still adored me but I constantly caught him with trans porn and finally facetiming other dressers ( I understand you don't do that last part ) . Ugh .. I finally had enough , no more love after so long of that

    I have said it before here that porn adds a complication to the whole thing .
    I am sorry , your marriage is obviously everything , certainly worth more than any dollar amount . I know its painful.
    Last edited by Dutchess; 12-05-2020 at 07:34 PM.
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  23. #23
    Member CD Rachel's Avatar
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    I had to go call someone to help me get through the last hour. I was on the verge of doing something stupid and had to reach out and have an actual person talk me down. Right now i am unstable. Sometimes reading and messaging here is helpful and keeps me focused on things.

    I have no stability right now. I can not watch tv, read a book or play a game. My mind is in a whirlwind. I keep pacing the house and breaking down. I have no appetite and i doubt i could keep anything down even if i wanted to. I have no place to go and my best friend hates me.


    Thank you Danni and Dutchess, for your messages and thoughts.

    Dutchess i am certainly in agreement that your ex and and I seem to suffer the consequences of long term porn addiction. It is the worst thing a man can do to himself and his wife. I wish i had never seen porn or that when i did I should have run from it screaming. I do not know if I will every be free from its grip but I keep trying to escape. My circumstances right now are not very conducive to breaking the addiction. I might just try seeing if i can trade on addiction for another.... No just kidding. But i am not kidding about how I have allowed this to destroy my marriage and my life.

    I am not normally a drama queen so please excuse my ramblings. I need a way to vent and this has place has been helpful while i try to pull myself back together.

    Rachel

  24. #24
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    First off, Rachel, please don't do anything that will be a permanent solution to something that is really a temporary problem.

    May I suggest you go on Youtube and listen to "Everybody Hurts" by REM?

    I'll post something more in a couple of hours. Take care.

    Gale

  25. #25
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    Rachel Please hang on and give this situation some time to to work it way thru. I hope thing will work out for you and your wife.
    Suzi

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