Is Intimacy Gone Forever?

[ambigendrous]

Intimacy has continued, but not sex. It is now close cuddling and that is fine once the expectations of sex are put aside.

BINGO! Too many of use are equating intimacy and sex. My wife and I are constantly hugging, cuddling, and just enjoying each other's company but we haven't had intercourse for probably 10 years now - and we haven't missed that part of our lives at all. At our age it's just not something we NEED to do anymore. Next year we will be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary and both of us will tell anyone who asks that we are more in love with each other now than we were on our wedding day!

[Teresa]

Diane ,
So don't read my comments but it's not going to stop it happening , I didn't want it to happen but the point I'm making is life doesn't end ! Isn't that the biggest fear most people have ?

What's so wrong with being members on the forum , it gives us somewhere to DISCUSS situations we face as it is basically a HELP forum , do you have a problem with that ?

[LilSissyStevie]

What are the chances that after 2.5 years some new inspiration will come along and have you two writhing around like crazed weasels in heat? I would imagine that the probability is very low. It may be time to become dis-illusion-ed and surrender to fate. Our culture doesn't like to accept disillusionment or surrender but, paradoxically, it is often the path to victory and enlightenment. A sexless marriage is better than no marriage at all as long as other parts of the relationship are good. I don't know too many people that sing the praises of growing old all alone.

[Paulie Birmingham]

To each their own, but a lot of seasoned citizens are having sex. Pumped and char are spot on to some psychological reasons sex stops, but there are many medical reasons libidos fade and many ways to increase libido

A 2017 National Poll on Healthy Aging conducted in association with the University of Michigan confirmed what some earlier studies have found with regard to sexual activity in older adults:

Among men and women ages 65 to 80, 40 percent were still having sex.
Among those who were in romantic relationships, the rate rose to 54 percent

[Taylor186]

An interesting article on building intimacy, if that is what you really want/need. And, the author's reminder that intimacy does not require sex, and sex does not require intimacy.

--> How to Understand and Build Intimacy in Every Relationship <--

[Judy-Somthing]

What about all the people who are not CDers who tell me the same story? I had stopped dressing for close to 20 years.
It's a well known fact that that during and after menopause will usually lower the desire and make it harder to become for women to get aroused.

I'm no expert but, there are thousands of articles stating that!

I'm not mad, it's just life.

[Pumped]

Pumped ,
The problem is it takes two to work at it otherwise it's a fruitless exercise , repeated rejection is difficult to recover from . It's hard to cosy down when you can't agree on the same TV program or one can't accept the other's choice of music , like I said some just drift apart ..

Certainly it takes two, but often one can make the difference and get their spouse turn around. Keep in mind it takes years to screw up the marriage, it will take a long time to correct it, it may take months or longer to get your spouse to come around. Pay attention to her and there is a good chance things will improve, but again, it may take months to notice a difference, and years to get back to normal. It is not going to happen over night.

[Joni T]

My wife is accepting and encouraging and I can dress as little or much as I want any time, but I ALWAYS remember that she married a man, and I always show her that the man she married is still here. You might give that a try. Just sayin'.......
Jon

[docrobbysherry]

This is as bad advice as I've seen. Work it out or conclude it. Do not start dating around if you have ANY desire to remain married, remain friends, or not piss her off enough to take you to the cleaners in court.
Jade, you can not force the issue on her. She will decide what she wants. You need to determine if you can live with it, and what path will bring you the most peace.

Meghan, I don't think u understood what I meant. I've been married, now I'm divorced. Our divorce took over 5 years after our separation. But, THAT wasn't when my marriage ended. It ended 7 years before when the intimacy AND the sex stopped! Highlited by my ex walking out of our last counseling session saying, "I'm not doing that! It's up to him to change or I'm done!"

All the above well meaning posts suggesting what Jade should do to save her marriage r useless wastes of Jade's time and energy if her SO is done in her mind!

If Jade's wife is done? They can stay together as roommates but no matter WHAT Jade does their marriage is over!

[DianeT]

I agree with you and I love her and will live as friends

Jade, unless I read your posts the wrong way, this is absolutely not what your wife wants. She says she's thinking about other men. That she wants what women wants. It doesn't sound as if staying friends is going to fit the bill.
Now for the silly (or 1 M$) question: have you asked her what she thinks you should do to restore intimacy? Because she may very well tell you (I know my wife did in the same situation).

[Teresa]

Sherry,
I hate to say this but that is the bottom line , for whatever reason ( not casting blame ) once the damage is done there's no going back , we tried to soldier of for twenty years for the sake of the kids and my business , it really was like trying to paper over the cracks when they were a mile wide !!!

When we both accepeted separation was inevtable we were both happier , it was a relief to know we could still work something out even it meant living apart , both our lives are now better for it , is it so wrong ?

[Stephanie47]

What Char says is true and it works both ways. The only thing I would add is too many people enter marriage with the expectation that marriage will forever be "a bed of roses." What is forgotten is roses have thorns.

Dragging the conversation back to Jade I think it is imperative they enter couples therapy. Short of that Jade's wife really needs to open up and distinctly lay it out on the line. Jade stated the body hair has been grown back. So, that visual stimuli is gone. Obviously, there is something else that is bothering her. Her vision of marriage and her man has been fractured! Are husband and wife projecting non-verbal clues and the other is not reading them correctly, if at all? Sometimes a therapist is needed to get communication started. A trained therapist can wade through the BS someone throws out to avoid saying what is really bothering him or her.

[Dutchess]

What Char said - ALL of it /Period . Posters here need to read and re read what she just said too .

I hate when these menopause / no more sex threads/comments come up , I find it VERY insulting . Nor is it true .
NO , when women pass through the change or however you want to call it we dont lose interest . Jeez..
Miel you will find many here use that lame excuse to dress or to leave or whatever . Its probably the only one they can dig up based on old wives tales and we arent there to know both sides .

My ex husband use to say the same of me but he was so preoccupied with transporn and trying to look like a teenaged girl that he secretly found a bootleg way to chemically attempt to feminize his body that caused him to look VERY offensive . PERMANENTLY .
Seriously I was SO turned off , but on forums and facebook I was just this terrible non understanding wife - when really I was freaked out/almost frightened by his body .

With Kat , we were practically rabbits ... I didn't change , the circumstance/person changed . Kat paid attn to me All.The.Time.- not the clothes or constant FANTASIZING / gender angst discussions .

^^^ both people dressed ...

Please keep talking to your wife and ask her what you two can do to work towards this or like Miel said use the counseling to try and restore the intimacy and drop the dressing for 15 minutes . In no way does intimacy have to stop as long as both of you are still interested .

[Sandi Beech]

While the viewpoints expressed seem quite valid in general, there are always exceptions. In my case, my wife has severe chronic back and shoulder pain and is on very strong meds. She herself, is the one saying that it is the pain which has caused her to lose interest. I even have to be careful how I hug her as to not cause discomfort. I am OK with where were are though. We certainly had enough good times in the past, so I am in no way complaining. Just though I would mention that medical reasons can be an issue as we both grow older.

Sandi

[confused_cathreen]

Jade, the simple answer is yes, intimacy can be restored. But no, it won't, if both are not inclined to do the work needed to restore it. The GGs said it all: female desire doesn't disappear with menopause, the visual is equally as important to us as it is to men and, like always, communication is key. Intimacy, although it doesn't work with an on/off switch, it can be lost in the blink of an eye, like trust. Also like trust, it can take ages to be regained.

Just because you stopped shaving for a while, you think that would be all it takes for her to want to get in bed with you? It's a lot more complicated than you think. There are clearly issues there that, when not addressed, will be like a big solid wall between her desire for you and herself. And of course she will be thinking about other men because there is nothing wrong with her libido. I can tell you from personal experience that life without desire for my partner was not a life I wanted. And crossdressing was the main contributor. The final nail in the coffin was our inability to discuss it and come up with an agreement. Don't let this become you.

You guys really need therapy. Not for you, not for her, but for the coupling. I am guessing there is a lot of resentment at play here. Maybe the feeling of being trapped. Neither helpful when trying to look at your partner as desirable. Maybe there is a middle ground, maybe not. But neither of you will know unless you go down that route. Just be prepared for anything and everything.

[docrobbysherry]

Teresa, I'm so sorry! My ex and I both had heard that old diatribe, "staying together for the kids" all our lives.

When we separated, ours were 3 and 11. And, as it turned out, my ex and I were MUCH happier living apart. And, as result, so were our children!

[DianeT]

So Jade, you have a choice: listen to GGs here trying to guide you on the road back to love, or listen to divorced males singing the joys of living alone. Which ones will help you understand your wife better? Mmmmmh. Tough one.

[candykowal]

After read all the opinions of the members of this thread, I realized I don't have a lick of advice to give.
Instead, hopefully like you, I will be taking the varied advice with some new incite on my own situation.
A lot of common sense was typed and a lot reaffirms what I am doing to be positive.
Thanks for starting this thread and sharing an issue common to a lot of marriages!

[CD Rachel]

I remember when my wife hit menopause. The men may have paused but her train kept a rollin all night long.

Of course that all came to an abrupt end at the beginning of this year when i completely broke her trust in me. Lying and hiding porn has a tendency to do that.

Jade, there are other issues, she may not want to go to counseling but you need to communicate with her openly and as honestly as possible. I am just speculating but She may need to hear you reassure her that YOU are her man. She may be afraid that the CDing is taking you from her.

Good luck
Rachel

[Pumped]

I also get a kick out of the menopause comments. Sure some women have health or physical issues related to menopause, but they are the minority. My wife had some issues, but it has not stopped us, not by far. We are enjoying the no birth control required years!


Again, most women want attention, they want to feel loved, they want to feel needed by their spouse. Is that so weird? The same works for the other way around. Us guys want the same. Ignore your spouse or even just take her for granted and the marriage slowly dies. Tell her you love her, a little touch on the cheek, any of the four will do. ;-) I can't walk past my wife without reaching over and touching her. In public it might just be a squeeze of her arm, or touch her face. In private it might be a pinch in the ribs, or maybe even a slap on the butt, but I rarely walk by her with out some contact. It might sound weird to some, but it is just a small sign that I love her. A few hugs everyday, leaving or coming home, or just because. If nothing else, a look and a wink, or a smile from across the room at a party works too. We hold hands walking down the sidewalk. I open doors for her, car door most of the time.

How many of you "guys" help out around the house? Cook, clean, wash dishes? Laundry? Or do you get home and crack a beer and watch sports and expect the little lady to whip up dinner, wash you stinky underwear, pick up your crap you leave lying around? Even worse if she works too. I cook once in a while, maybe once a week, and help a bit in the kitchen just about every meal. I generally do all the laundry, except she puts her own away. I help clean and tidy up the house.

She does more than her fair share around her. We are remolding. I nail and screw it together and she paints it. I hate painting. I have not painted one inch of the inside of the house, unless she couldn't reach it. Ceilings she uses an extension pole on a roller. Over the years she has painted every room of this house a couple times, pretty much all by herself. We paint the outside together because she doesn't care for heights.

I know a lot of guys that scoff at house work. That is her job they say. Most of them are divorced.

Take care of the little lady and she will take care of you!

Marriage is a group effort, it takes team work. You need to work together or it will fail.

Call me crazy, but I am the one that cross dresses and the wife goes along with it. She has shopped for dresses, panties and high heels with me. I must be doing something correctly! Once in a while she tells me she wants her "man" around, so not dressing that day, but I dress with her around just about every day. She lovingly pokes fun at me, comments on my ridiculously large boobs, gives them a poke or squeezes them. Laughs at my crazy outfits. It is ok, I laugh at them too. I don't dress to pass, I play with it and dress a bit on the crazy side.

We were at a dinner with a large group a few years back. We didn't know the couple sitting across from us, but we visited through the meal. About the time we were going to leave the other wife asked us how long we have been married, about 30 years I told them. They laughed and said, seriously, how long? 30 years! They asked once more and I looked at them and said we got married in June of 1983, so 32 years and a couple months. They both look at us in disbelief and said "You are serious!" I asked them why the question and they said, "Well, you don't act like you have been married that long, you act like newlyweds!"

[Sometimes Steffi]

Jade: The short answer is, "No." I can't remember how long it's been since my wife and I had sex. 8 years, 9 years or 10. She even relocated herself to one of the spare bedrooms. I've tried to talk about it a few times, but all I get is "The Talk Back."

[Jade P]

Thanks Diane. I see what you mean I hope We can figure it out. I definitely would rather be married friends than divorced Sex in important but not more than the love I have for my wife.

I appreciate everyones posts. I am so glad I finally registered with crossdressers.com

I feel more a part of our community.

Jade

[Teresa]

Pumped,
For many years I did the cooking , cleaning , laundry , shopping and the rest , while my wife still went out to work , it was only fair . The problem was she began to resent the reversal of roles possibly because she knew I might be dressed , for my part I enjoyed putting a meal on the table for her .

[Pumped]

Teresa, sometimes it just doesn't work. If you spouse wants out, it is probably over. If they are willing to try then time to get to work!

I should say I am on my second marriage, but I would like to think I have wised up and improved over the years. My first wife cheated on me and even though I told her I wanted to make it work, she didn't. She said she did, but I caught her with another guy while we were in counseling. She ended up marrying that guy, had three kids and divorced him! He was a real waste of skin. I told her it was a bad idea to marry him, but of course my opinion didn't carry any weight. Years later my ex told my mom she screwed up and should have stayed with me. She has had a hard life.

Many of the girls here mention thier wife wants to stay married, so that gives some hope there is a chance to get things back on track.

Looking back, I can laugh now, but when my crossdressing came out we had a hard time for a while. I remember sitting and talking to my wife and I asked her if she wanted a divorce. She said, "Hell no, we will get through this. You are still a better choice for a husband than any one else I know!" I mentioned a couple of my friends that were decent guys and got another "Hell no!"

[Alice Torn]

I also have heard of many sexless marriages nowsays. At the same time, so blasted many stupid male enhancement ED med commercials!!!! I think women are sick of being considered sex objects,ala The Me Too movement. Therapists and counsel can be very very expensive, and in this covid time, when so many are out of work and hurting, wh can even afford it, unless you have insurance?