Is there any way to restore intimacy when wife is not attracted to my gender fluid issues? She does not like seeing my hairless body and I have dysphoria about having body hair. My wife wont go to counseling. She says its my problem you go. I have gone and I accept myself. We have been living as married friends for 2.5 years I miss intimacy and so does she. It makes me feel awful that my isssues have caused this.
Did she know about your "gender fluid issues" (your words) from the beginning? We don't know anything else about you but I wonder if there is some compromise to be had?
We have been married 31 years and while over the years she discovered some past pantyhose wearing . She always has hated my crossdressing I wrote her a letter 3 years ago that I cant stop dressing and finally accepted my issue of being gender fluid.
Last edited by char GG; 12-05-2020 at 02:24 PM. Reason: Not necessary to quote the post before yours
I went through something similar but I am 69 and that happened about fifteen years ago after I had been shaving for a couple years. My wife confronted me about my dressing as a result. We continued to have intimacy up until a few years ago when we mutually decided that it wasn't pleasurable for either of us and she had developed some minor health issues. Actually I don't really miss it anymore as it had become quite a chore. Personally I like the feeling of being shaved too much to go back to being hairy again but the motivation to do the deed fades as we get older in many relationships. I'm OK where I am at but if you are younger and have many years ahead of you then I would think some kind of counseling would be in order. It's impossible to answer such a personal question that is unique to you and your wife on a forum like this. All the best to you Jade P, I hope that you are able to resolve this problem as it can have a big effect on a person's day to day disposition.
Jade, you make it sound as if you reverted to a hairy ape, she'd "jump your bones." That may be. My wife and I are in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. We had "The Talk." She has no desire to be involved in my cross dressing. We hashed it out and after so many years of marriage I understand she has her own issues which would affect acceptance. I do nothing to "push it in her face." No body modifications. Fortunately my genetic code has given me no hair on my legs and minimal stray hairs on my chest. No hair on my back.
Your hairless body is a constant reminder for your wife. In some ways it is pushing your femininity in her face. I think it is imperative your wife engage in counseling; not necessarily to persuade her to accept your gender identity, but, to understand it. Your wife may have incorrect assumption about the issue. What it is and what it isn't. I read on another forum comments from a counselor that many women, even if not presented with a picture, create a visual image of their spouse attired as a woman. It is possible your wife has an image of you as Jade. It is possible your hairless body is just a crutch on which to hang her disapproval of your gender issues. If you revert to being a hairy ape it is possible nothing will change. She has deeper issues she needs to address. One of the issues in a marriage is addressing the fact there is an issue. Sometimes the first issue to address is embarrassment the issue exists at all. You and your wife need to hash it out with counseling.
If you're at least talking about it, perhaps she joining this forum and discussing it with the GG's would be productive.
Jade, if your wife is sincere about restoring intimacy she would be willing to see a therapist, or whatever is necessary. After 2.5 years, it doesn't sound as if she really cares, tho.
I think u should do what most non sexual, just friends, roommates do. Start dating and find someone compatible!
My guess it's only a matter of time before she does!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
Jade: Try to be patient and if you go to a counseling by yourself that may give you some ideas on how to get her to understand You as a person.
Your right about not shaving because I had let hair grow back and we still lived as friends.Originally Posted by Stephanie47
Jade
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You may be right. We still love each other and I have no plans to be intimate with anyone else. My wife has told me that she has thought of other men and that she wants what most women want. She tells me this depresses her and that our marriage is a lie.Jade, if your wife is sincere about restoring intimacy she would be willing to see a therapist, or whatever is necessary. After 2.5 years, it doesn't sound as if she really cares, tho.
I think u should do what most non sexual, just friends, roommates do. Start dating and find someone compatible!
My guess it's only a matter of time before she does!
This is as bad advice as I've seen. Work it out or conclude it. Do not start dating around if you have ANY desire to remain married, remain friends, or not piss her off enough to take you to the cleaners in court.Jade, if your wife is sincere about restoring intimacy she would be willing to see a therapist, or whatever is necessary. After 2.5 years, it doesn't sound as if she really cares, tho.
I think u should do what most non sexual, just friends, roommates do. Start dating and find someone compatible!
My guess it's only a matter of time before she does!
Jade, you can not force the issue on her. She will decide what she wants. You need to determine if you can live with it, and what path will bring you the most peace.
You say that she misses intimacy also. You also said it has been 2.5 years. Is that when you shaved your body and she found out about your gender fluid issues or has she known for a long time? Obviously your lack of body hair is a turn off but you said that you grew is back and still nothing. Perhaps something else is bothering her but the only way for you to find out is to talk about it. It sounds to me like maybe she thinks you pulled a "bait and switch" on her and can't get past that. (I'm only guessing).
You may have to "start" dating her again. Show her how much you care. Like a new beginning for both of you. Where there is still a spark, there is most likely hope.
I agree with Meghan. If you want to remain married, don't date around.
Last edited by char GG; 12-05-2020 at 02:39 PM.
I agree with you and I love her and will live as friends
The "dating" deal has some merit. Do you two just go out for no reason at all for dinner? Go shopping? Go for walks in the park? Many marriages just seem to "dry up". No dating, just the usual come home, eat, watch TV and repeat, then wonder what happened when the spouse looses interest. Toss CD'ing on the pile and it all comes crashing down.
My wife and I went on a "date" this afternoon. She was not going to go at first, but I told her to come with and it would be a "date"! We went and bought burgers at a chain burger joint, ate in the car and talked. Next stop was a couple home stores to pick up supplies for a remodel we are doing. All the time we are talking and joking around, nothing special, but we enjoyed the time together.
Jade,
It sounds as if my wife and yours are very similar. Mine has always had a huge problem with my shaving. She said she did not want to have intimacy with someone with smoother legs than hers. She also refused counseling after one visit. The bottom line , some women will never accept the shaving and pantyhose.
So I would give it a break every now and then and we were able to get back to normal. If you can not pause the shaving, it may be a big problem. In my case, we gave up on intimacy a few years ago because of her health so it is not an issue for me any more. Still , I always understood her position. It was crystal clear. She would never give in, so I had to balance things as best as I could.
Fast forward to today, and I just do most everything in secret to avoid conflict. That has been my only way to deal with the issue, and keep my sanity.
Sandi
Thanks Sandi for your post. I have tried everything mentioned and wont give up. I just feel selfish because my issues caused this. I should have told my wife before we got married. I am hoping some day she finds me attractive again.
Jade,
I think Char and Stephanie made good observations. I wonder if you came shaved in front of your wife with her agreement or not. Because if not discussed before, it could have been a shock and create a resentment she cannot get over.
Furthermore, because you seemed to have a good relationship with your wife, she should perhaps more easily agree to go to joint counselling to restore a dialogue on sex life instead of going with the goal of understanding your dysphoria. Just a guess.
You need to define boundaries together (what is acceptable for her in order to restore an intimacy ?). It is not easy but you seemed to still love each other so there is still hope.
Jade,
It's possibly a mixture of issues , OK your change of appearance isn't what she expected but when women hit the menopause they can lose all interest , despite my gender issues I didn't touch my wife again after the age of 55 in an intimate way for over 15 years , it was how she felt and I respected her for it .
I had the same reaction to counselling , I was the one who was broken and needed fixing not her , so she always refused to take any part .
You can't beat yourself up over every issue because you feel guilty about your gender issues , other people have to live with problems that aren't always of your doing .
OK the other point could be that your wife is using your gender issues in considering the end to the marriage , it does happen , people just move apart , it's no ones fault especially if children have finally flown the nest .
The body shaving issue has two sides to it , your wife may not like it as she knows you are trying to feminise your body on the other hand it is your body and have the right to do as you chose with it . I find it ironic that male members of my family have little or no body hair and no one passes comment but shaving hair off is frowned upon .
Last edited by Teresa; 12-06-2020 at 07:18 AM.
Teresa, I think you should read more carefully what Jade wrote.
Both of them haven't lost interest in sex. And women need as much as men to have a life long intimacy! Not being fertile anymore is a relief for many GGs who are free to live their sex life with no consequences.
And Jade made no mention of splitting apart as far as I can judge.
And no, in a marriage you cannot do what you want with your body. Or you have to accept and shut your mouth if your wife chooses to stop shaving, have a breast reduction and everything that pleases her. I think all decisions which have consequences on the couple need to be discussed by the couple. This is the key of good partnership.
2.5 years without intimacy Is not a good thing. It is an important part of a relationship and human nature. Unless she is physically not able to, hard to believe she would voluntarily give it up completely. My wife and I have reached an agreement if one of us is physically not able to have sex, the other can get it elsewhere. We would rather have our partner enjoy intimacy than go without
Miel,
I think you'll find many members can relate to women after the change of life and the loss of intimacy , I made an important point in that I respected my wife's wishes .
I appreciate Jade may not have mentioned any talk of separation but it's also important to remember our actions aren't always the cause of loss of intimacy .
I never interferred in any decisions my wife made to herself , it was her body , she could chose any hairstyle in any colour , she decided if she needed to lose weight . OK she might ask what I think , so why doesn't and man apparently have the same choices , as you say it is a partnership but it's not ownership !!
It's also a known fact marriages end when children move on , people move apart , interests change , it's no shame in accepting the inevitable if two people aren't happy for whatever reason . After twenty + years and now divorce my wife has started telling me how much she loved me and has asked me if I still love her , I hate to say this but she's left it too late .
Last edited by Teresa; 12-06-2020 at 11:06 AM.
Wise words, Teresa, and my experience after 51 years of marriage are much like yours. When my wife lost interest in sex I did not like it or understand it. Then I figured it out. Intimacy has continued, but not sex. It is now close cuddling and that is fine once the expectations of sex are put aside. Actually, a bit nicer because neither of you have to put in that much work which at our age (mid 70's) is not necessarily healthy when you get that stimulated and excited. Sex can be lethal for the elderly.
That said, the gender variance I show was a problem at first and it was always tense. Once again, I respected her wishes and now she accepts a bit more as she has come to realize there is a need there that has to be addressed. But if I showed up in a dress, wig, makeup, boobs and the like there would be hell to pay. Love for each other doesn't necessarily include such drastic changes. But a good deal of love is respecting each other's values and wishes AND finding compromises where we can each have at least of some of what we personally need while respecting some of our individual differences. For us, it works great.
From talking to friends, coworkers, relatives over the years I've heard the same story over and over that their wives loose interest in "it".
My wife didn't know I CDed and she lost interest about ten years before I started CDing again.
Last summer I was working with my nephew who's in his mid 50s and is far from a CDer, he told my about how his SO has lost interest.
"This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
Much more fun than fishing.
I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?
Judy, it is like I said, people just let their marriage "dry up". You need to keep things rolling, keep dating, let your spose know you still find her attractive and interesting.
Last night we settled own for a quiet dinner and watch a movie. I was wearing one of my tight bodycon dresses, hip and butt pads, my huge 38M bra and forms and heels. We got done eating and sat and held hands while watching a movie. when the movie was over I tuned the stereo on to some soft jazz and we cuddled, necked a bit and talked. She poked fun at my ridiculous boobs, and I thanked her for putting up with me and my" insanity". We were both tired from a busy day and went to bed shortly afterwards and just cuddled some more and fell asleep snuggled up together.
We will have been married for 38 years this coming June. It hasn't always been this good, but we both work at it and put some effort into our relationship. Stop working on it and we see what we hear about so many times on this group.
Last edited by Pumped; 12-07-2020 at 04:10 PM.
This subject has been brought up before. I know many of you "know" someone that can confirm your thoughts that women lose interest. However, having worked many years with women of the age range you are talking about, it's not that they lose interest in intimacy, they usually lose interest in the particular "person" they are with. Obviously it could be for many reasons; a couple of the biggies are lack of hygiene, smoking, lack romance (outside the bedroom), lack of interest in their wives while increasing interests in other pursuits (drugs, drinking are also biggies), or their spouses lack of interest in their own fitness, and medical issues (in either partner). So to all of you who think it is an "age" related thing, think again. There are plenty of women who crave intimacy but are tired of being expected to be "interested" when it suits the other partner, when so much of the passion women feel comes from the brain.
Pumped knows what I'm talking about.
EDIT: I might add that if you are keeping secrets and are focused on those things, your wife might not know exactly what is going on but she will feel that something is off. It's hard to hide "a secret" no matter what it is and that may have some bearing on intimacy.
Last edited by char GG; 12-06-2020 at 02:18 PM.
Pumped ,
The problem is it takes two to work at it otherwise it's a fruitless exercise , repeated rejection is difficult to recover from . It's hard to cosy down when you can't agree on the same TV program or one can't accept the other's choice of music , like I said some just drift apart .
Char,
Sometimes you have to accept you've had good times but for any number of reasons it's not happening anymore , no one is really to blame . As you say it's not always the wife that loses interest but when the cracks appear they can't always be papered over . We attempted to keep things as amicable as possible through the divorce so we are still able to chat and recall the memories of some wonderfull holidays .
I'm still not certain if my TG issues are the whole picture but we don't throw the blame at each other , my wife understands my issues but she couldn't live with it at the time , she now has doubts if she handled it right but she also accepts she doesn't have to live with the situation anymore .
Last edited by Teresa; 12-06-2020 at 11:43 AM.
Judy,
The fact your wife didn't know you crossdressed doesn't mean that your attitude/habits/interests/etc. weren't impacted by your crossdressing with consequences on your couple.
I find it funny how many of you congregate between males to put the blame of the dimming sex interest on your wives. Maybe it's true for some of you, but generalizing it like you do seems specious at best, and, honestly, not very credible, ignoring a few elephants in the room like the one that led us to subscribe to this forum in the first place.
Teresa, your obsession about splitting couples when they get old is really getting old too.
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