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Thread: OMG! Acceleration phase has begun!

  1. #1
    Electrically Elegant Jonelle's Avatar
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    OMG! Acceleration phase has begun!

    Hello ladies!

    It's official! I'm out to my wife and seeing professional psychologist to help to navigate through what are sure to be incredible changes in me over the next weeks, months and years. I've spent way too many years of my life suppressing my true self and now, at 37, feel no shame in allowing the real me to shine through. I will be consulting about hormones in the coming weeks and am mapping out a plan to begin sharing myself with all those around me. The support of these forums I have felt, although as a silent on looker, have truly helped me to search within myself and accept me for who I have truly always been. Thank you.

    A few questions to anyone who reads this...

    Any suggestion on how to break the news to young children?

    When should I consult HR at work?

    What are some of the toughest challenges I can reasonably expect?

    Thanks again.

    Kisses,
    Jonelle

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonelle View Post
    It's official! I'm out to my wife and seeing professional psychologist .... I will be consulting about hormones in the coming weeks
    Congrats! Do you mean that up until this point, you hid your true self completely from your wife and she wasn't even suspecting up until the moment you came out? I guess if you could clarify, that would be good. With limited information you shared, it sounds like you came out to your wife, who didn't suspect anything up until that point, and are about to start full social and medical transition. <IF> this is the case, then it may feel like a tsunami to your wife, and I would be concerned about your relationship. It is A LOT to process for a partner, and it takes time. Statistics is not on your side. Most relationships fall apart. Just please be mindful of your partner for the sake of the relationship.

    I can share a bit of my experience. I started transitioning around your age. At that point, I was married to my partner for over a decade, and we had 2 small daughters. However, I have been dressing at home all these years (almost right after we got married), and my partner was aware. She wasn't happy about any of that at that time but at least she wasn't shocked when I said that I am more than a CD, I am transgender, non-binary and I can't go any longer without transitioning. It has been 3+ years. She has accepted me for who I am and our marriage is still intact and a happy one. It helped a lot too that we solved other issues we had in our relationships before I started transitioning, also with the help of a counselor.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jonelle View Post
    Any suggestion on how to break the news to young children?
    How old are the kids? I was wearing women clothes at home since my daughters were toddlers, so there were no news to break. They grew up used to it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jonelle View Post
    When should I consult HR at work?
    This depends on what you plan to do change at work. Do you want to present undoubtedly feminine at work? Are you changing your legal name or pronouns? Do you want to use women's room? If the answer is NO to all these questions, than I see no point in talking to HR. If yes, then it will be a good idea to get them involved. For example, I was wearing women's clothes that looked somewhat gender neutral to office for a while without coming out to anyone. I changed my pronouns over the summer to they/them and changed my legal name & gender marker at the same time. I also started to wear very feminine clothes, undoubtedly showing my breasts. Obviously, it was a good idea to talk to HR.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jonelle View Post
    What are some of the toughest challenges I can reasonably expect?
    Relationship with your partner, i.e. your family. Everything else - doesn't come even close in my opinion.

    Good luck Jonelle!
    Last edited by Katya@; 12-05-2020 at 04:03 PM.

  3. #3
    Electrically Elegant Jonelle's Avatar
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    I can't say she is thrilled. She wants to support me as a person but not as a spouse. I can understand where she is coming from, but I feel like I lose either way. She is the best part of my life, so it seems like I either lose that, or continue to allow the essence of my core to be suppressed. It's incredibly unhealthy to do the latter. She doesn't plan to leave me in the short term, but has also expressed her need to figure out what she wants. There is no way I can deny her of that. I feel that we married each other from a place of love that that can withstand anything so I can only hold on to hope that if I continue to try to show her how special she is, we can transcend the social pressures together.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Do you mean that up until this point, you hid your true self completely from your wife and she wasn't even suspecting up until the moment you came out? I guess if you could clarify, that would be good. With limited information you shared, it sounds like you came out to your wife, who didn't suspect anything up until that point, and are about to start full social and medical transition
    I have been secretly dressing since I was incredibly young. 5yo or so, and there were a few instances that we had discussed my desire to crossdress. Our marriage almost didn't happen because of one of them.
    Do you want to present undoubtedly feminine at work?
    I cannot do this without completely allowing my inner self to surface, so yes, I fully intend to express myself 100% feminine at all times. I don't intend to flip a switch, but do intend to gradually phase out my men's wardrobe and replace it with women's. My maneurisms and moods are likely to be the first most notable changes to people given my inability to accept myself by me and building a masculine image to hide it from people. I have a lot of work to do. I am hopeful that hormones will help me from a mental balance space and allow me to begin feeling better about myself.
    How old are the kids?
    They are still very young, and they have seen me in womens clothing. I think it will surprise them some, but don't think they will be overly upset about anything.

    Kisses,
    Jonelle

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    Jonelle,
    For me, <gradually> was the one word that summarizes it all.
    Again, all the best!
    Hugs,
    Katya

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    congratulations, im not trying to rain on your parade,, but i would recommend slowing down a little,
    1] let this settle in with your wife, or it may not end well. { divorce and child support }
    2] without saying anything to HR what are your company policies about this, { you may end up unemployed }
    3] what part of this is insurance covering and out of your pocket. { read 1 n 2 }
    4] do blood clots run in your family { HRT meds can cause them sometimes , my doc asked this }

    good luck on this journey

  6. #6
    Electrically Elegant Jonelle's Avatar
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    let this settle in with your wife, or it may not end well. { divorce and child support }
    Thank you chelyann,

    I appreciate you bringing up some very real consequences. As many of you can probably agree with, all of these things need to carefully be considered. Never, however would i consider not continuing to support the three people that matter most to me in my life regardless of our circumstances. Child support and alimony are very real possibilities that I am prepared for. As far as work goes, I do not plan for this to be an overnight thing. Overall the company has very liberal views on this sort of matter and Insurance will cover most of the costs of my therapy and treatment. I would never move forward with anything without full consultation of health professionals weighing the pros and cons of any recommendations.

    Kisses,
    Jonelle

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    Jonelle,
    Dealing with young children is a mixed bag , some say it's OK they are resilient enough to deal with it , I still feel it's something being placed on young shoulders when they have enough going on in their lives . Don't forget it will impact on their lives as much as yours , gradually seeing daddy disappear , having problems with other kids at school , of course your wife has suddenly taken on double the workload and stress , she will have bad days as well as good , its is your transition not hers .

    HR should be fine with the situation but ther are no guarantees your work colleagues will feel the same way , a loss or change of job may impact funds for your transition .

    You will probably have to accept it's a gradual process , you may have to take two steps back everyso often which will be very frustrating to you at times .

    It's also important to consider its' your journey and you have can control it , if it needs to stop or change direction then so be it .

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    Jonelle,

    Congrats are moving forward living authentically! Brava!

    Katya and Chelyann have provided some good thought provoking questions and suggestions. Your employer's liberal views should be beneficial as you transition.

    Put together a plan and walk, but don't run as you proceed on your journey.

    Best wishes!

  9. #9
    Electrically Elegant Jonelle's Avatar
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    Thank you, it has been a long time coming. I am going to see my practitioner this week to discuss hormones and cannot be more thrilled to start down this journey. So far, my wife has been somewhat supportive, although we have a lot of work to do even outside of all of this.

    Kisses,
    Jonelle

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    Just be honest with children, they can handle it, young children don't have the same gender hangups adults have. Those hangups are learned behavior.

    As for HR: My plan is not to even involve HR until it's impossible to hide the phisical changes and have legally changed my name. I don't want any of the busybodies at work tracking my progress and all that BS. I am going to flip a switch and let the small minds deal with it.

  11. #11
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonelle View Post

    A few questions to anyone who reads this...

    Any suggestion on how to break the news to young children?
    You said anyone.

    As many of us here have done, I went through a painful period in my life with separation, divorce, courts, hiding things from family, putting work and every other relationship in jeopardy.
    And I'm just a crossdresser. I still have a stake in the world as my male heterosexual self. It's been rough but, I'm older now and I've found my place.
    IMHO you need to simply get away from your situation instead of having everyone around you just magically understand your selfish dilemma.
    I'm sure others here with batting eyelashes will feel your pain but, your jamming the car into reverse all of a sudden at the sake of your family is shameful.
    You got married, had children, made that commitment and now the most important thing you can think of is being a girl? You need to check your priorities.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  12. #12
    Electrically Elegant Jonelle's Avatar
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    *jamming the car into reverse all of a sudden at the sake of your family is shameful.
    You got married, had children, made that commitment and now the most important thing you can think of is being a girl? You need to check your priorities.
    Shame is certainly one way to express the remorse I feel for hiding my true self for so long from all of those I love the most. I will say however, that what seems to be lost on you, is this isn't about a desire to change who I am, but rather the answer to a life long struggle with why I was/ felt the way I did. The lying to myself and others is more detrimental in the long run than anything that results from my transition. It's one thing to consider everything and everyone that you have made commitments to, yet quite another to embrace their feelings and share something so personal with them.

    Kisses,
    Jonelle

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    Member Leasa Wells's Avatar
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    Any suggestion on how to break the news to young children?
    there are some good books on amazon that talks about this with children, Introducing Teddy a gentle story an many other


    When should I consult HR at work?
    When your ready, read the HR book and be prepared to answer questions.

    What are some of the toughest challenges I can reasonably expect?
    From yourself over coming your fears

  14. #14
    Electrically Elegant Jonelle's Avatar
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    What are some of the toughest challenges I can reasonably expect?
    From yourself over coming your fears
    I'm finding out pretty quickly that my fears are largely insecurities and that society as a whole places such a large stigma on all of this. It is with that sentiment that I find the need to be an advocate for change, and the only way I will be happy is by changing the hearts and minds of those less understanding. It's so important to be true to one's self. If others can't be accepting, than it most likely comes from a place of ignorance or intolerance. I can only hope to help others along the way.

    Kisses,
    Jonelle

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    As my therapist said, if someone has a problem with me being trans, it is their problem, not mine.

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    Jean, that's my exact answer when people ask why I am not seeing a therapist.

    I don't have a problem with begin trans.

  17. #17
    Electrically Elegant Jonelle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robertacd View Post
    Jean, that's my exact answer when people ask why I am not seeing a therapist.

    I don't have a problem with begin trans.
    Is it hard to lose friends when coming out?

    Kisses,
    Jonelle

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    Jonelle, I haven't lost a single friend since coming out, and several have gone out of their way to be extra-supportive. The worst any friend has said was: "well I can't say I understand but you're my friend anyway". Same with my kids (one of which is mtf trans herself).

    My wife on the other hand...

  19. #19
    Electrically Elegant Jonelle's Avatar
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    So.... I finally started a hormone regimen. Last night after my blood work was reviewed and I picked up my script, I left the pharmacy and went home with zero hesitation to begin this poetic journey. Wish me luck.

    Kisses,
    Jonelle

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    Wishing you best Jonelle!

  21. #21
    Aspiring Member MarieTS's Avatar
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    Excellently put, Kim.
    Jonelle, if staying in your marriage remains a priority I suggest you heed Kim's sage advice.
    Hugs
    Marie

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