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Thread: Christmas Day Dilemma .

  1. #26
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    Christmas is a season, not just a day. How about visiting other family (if you’re going to) on Xmas Eve, Boxing Day or another day?

  2. #27
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    Teresa, protecting your Mum seems paramount. Up to you if you want to be ordered by your ex wife. Being on your own sounds ok, maybe not preferred, but there are worse things that could happen and I am sure you can inject specialness into the day.

  3. #28
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    Teresa, stay put in your own home. Today, the toll in the USA was 3,500+ deaths and 200,000+ new cases. Tomorrow? Las Vegas taking bets? Anyway, one slip up and you or your aged mother may be dead or disabled. My son and his family live four minutes away. My daughter is 35 miles. We did not celebrate Thanksgiving together. My wife made apple pies which I delivered by placing them on tables outside their homes. My kids will NOT come into our home. We have not gone into their homes. That's the way it will be Thanksgiving. Our kids are out in the community where they can become carriers. No matter how well your mum looks age is a factor. The immune system in the elderly is not as strong as in the young even if there are no underlying conditions.

    My wife's friend comes over and sit on the outside of our home separated by a storm door. They eat scones and drink tea. My wife and I visit her mother on Wednesdays. Same deal. She is inside her home behind the storm door and we are outside.

    Stay home. If you must, bake her a pie.
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 12-19-2020 at 12:12 PM.

  4. #29
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    No , you should not go anywhere in guy mode period.

    If you are following the rules than follow them. Otherwise have Christmas with your mother.

    It is past the time when everyone should be adjusted to you. Sounds like your mom gets it.

  5. #30
    Member Vale's Avatar
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    My own approach is ? think about next year?s Christmas. Do i want to take the chance that I or one of my loved ones will be gone due to an accidental exposure to COVID this Christmas?

    My answer is no! FaceTime will have to do this year.

    Love to all,
    Vale

  6. #31
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    Helen,
    My sister's aren't school age one has turned 50 and the other in his forties , he also has three teenage daughters two of which will be at my mum's home on the day . My mother is aware of the figures and she is worried . I almost feel like calling my sister to tell her to make other arrangements , I do feel she is acting irresponsible .

    I don't see my children and grandchildren very much but that is partly my TG issues with my son and also staying safe during the pandemic .

    Pumped my son had dropped in at my home and had coffee with me but he feels his sons are too young to understand . My daughter is totally open and accepting I've been out several time with toi shows and shooping trip , I did the Xmas meal for her and her family and she invited my to her home last Xmas . Her mother in law only accepts me as Teresa and we've been out with our granddaughter . My ex and my daughter have had heated debates over my TG situation , I felt bad at the time as I felt she was caught " Piggy in the middle " .

    As a P.S. I also suggested to my mother that I give Xmas day a miss and cook a meal for her and my sister if she chooses to come at the New Year depending on the lockdown rules after Xmas . ( I am assuming they will be higher as Xmas is bound to cause a spike in the infection rate .)

    Marguarite,
    I've been dropping in to see my mum once a week for sometime so we are in regular touch .

    Jean,
    I hope it's the last year where I have to do male mode to collect the cured hams from the village butcher . I usually deliver one to my daughter and one to my son , which is also a good time to drop my Xmas gifts in and see the boys . As the hams are large I now split one with my wife so I usually do that at her home .

    My mum has been amazing especially at 91 , she really hasn't batted an eyelid over meeting me as Terri .

    Stephanie,
    The figures are scary , I see them as a medium sized town being totally wiped out every few weeks .
    Last edited by Teresa; 12-17-2020 at 10:40 AM.

  7. #32
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    Hi Teresa, your motto should inform your decision "the real me no going back".
    Sharon

  8. #33
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Well the wife and I had the conversation, no, not that one. The one about should our teacher daughter see her nan on Christmas day when we're all sat around the table enjoying turkey and trimmings and the answer was no. Too risky.

    So a compromise has been reached. Christmas day we'll Zoom so nan and grandchild can see each other. Then boxing day, daughter will come to us as will nan but instead of sitting around the table they can sit in the conservatory, doors and windows open, socially distanced, bathed in hand sanitiser, masked if deemed prudent.

    It's managed risk.

    Teresa,

    Sorry, I didn't make it clear, I was referring to your sisters kids and the real risk they present to your mom. I would counsel having a talk with her to see if like us, there's a safer way of facilitating the day.

    I can invisage real family breakup if should your Mom fall ill the blame sits with a teenage grandchild. Unusual times call for unusual actions and we are talking literally life and death here.

  9. #34
    Member cindylouho's Avatar
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    One last point I'd like to add Teresa is what does your Mother actually want? This may not necessarily be what she's told her child since parents will always defer their happiness to their childrens'. The Pandemic has been very difficult for my mother in law. This is an energetic, cheerful, and extremely positive person in her late 70s who over the course of this past year has become melancholy, fearful, and extremely lonely. We were all planning on doing Xmas at her place this year until the gov't started threatening everyone with steep fines for such get togethers. The thought of her being alone at Xmas has weighed heavily on me for the last few weeks, of course if she had it her way she'd have everyone over no matter what she might openly say to her children.
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  10. #35
    Non-Binary Member Krea's Avatar
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    There are two separate components of this issue.
    One is the refusal of your ex-wife to acknowledge Teresa. The event will be at her home, so she can stipulate whatever ground rules she wishes, however unreasonable they may be. As Teresa is not welcome, you would be acting very reasonably to decline. Your daughter is accepting of Teresa, so she will surely understand.

    The other issue, which supersedes TG considerations, is the pandemic situation. Whilst it may not currently be illegal in the UK to have large family gatherings, my opinion is that it is highly inappropriate to do so and i am astonished that anyone would even consider it.
    My advice would be for everyone to stay at their own home. Corona virus will not cease to be contagious just because it's the festive season....
    "The only way is onward. There is no turning back."

  11. #36
    Member cindylouho's Avatar
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    Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I would never waste my time trying to make someone think the way I do. My opinion, and I make it with full respect to the seriousness of the situation and need for safety, is that too many people are too frightened by the pandemic and the accompanying regulations. Nothing is going to stop me from seeing my daughter at Xmas, nothing.
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  12. #37
    New Member from Scotland paulinescotlandcd's Avatar
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    It is a tough old call but I would stay home and stay safe. Let's be honest Christmas will be over in a flash and when it is you can at least look back and say you did the right thing.

  13. #38
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    Helen,
    It's wasted breath on my sister and ex wife . I totally share your sentiments , I do not want to be responsible for spreading the virus , I feel I've bent the rules enough so far . As Krea points out the virus isn't going to take Xmas off to let us celebrate .

    Cindy,
    My Mum is trying to please everyone at her own expense and safety , I'm annoyed and frustrated that other members of my family can'r see it . She is worried about me spending Xmas alone but I told several time not to worry about it , I will be happier knowing it's the right thing to do .
    It's my daughter's birthday on the 21st , this year I've sent her a card with some money in it .

    It might be better if the government had laid down stricter rules but the problem is who is going to enforce them ? Leaving people to make their own decisions usually means most people will ignore the safety advice , that is the problem I'm having , I will just have to politely say to everyone ," No thankyou " and stay safely at home .

    Sharon,
    I agree but I won't deny it's hard at times .
    Last edited by Teresa; 12-18-2020 at 06:44 AM.

  14. #39
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Teresa, think about the meaning of Christmas. It's a celebration of life, and acceptance.

    Now that everyone knows, or at least anyone who needs to. Don't you think in the spirit of the season and the fact that the whole world is going through this trying time. Wouldn't you think they would drop their objections to you being you ?

    Frankly if they can't, all they deserve is a lump of coal.

    Yes your mom is great, the last to know, and it sounds like your strongest supporter.

    Teresa you know and understand my my Christmas party dilemma. As with me, for you it is time.

    If they can not accept you that they do not have the spirit of Christmas in their heart and do not deserve to be graced by you presence.

  15. #40
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    I would think your ex wife would be out of the question (I like how someone called if a half-hearted invite). And if you see your mother it is a covid gamble. Plenty of people are doing, and I am not here to tell you what to do in that regard.

  16. #41
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    Sounds like an opportunity for some time to rest and do something you enjoy alone. Use THE VIRUS as a reason if you must. As for me, I have similar issues but they solved themselves. THE VIRUS has come to my house and just in time for Christmas. Our Christmas will be on several dates with small groups from our THE VIRUS jail release date, expected December 25, to January 18.

  17. #42
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Helen,
    It's wasted breath on my sister and ex wife .
    Then perhaps it's time for some hard talking. Lay it out for your sister and ask her if she's truly prepared to be responsible for her mother's premature death. For her kids to potentially have to carry the blame and the effect that could have upon them.

    People are selfish and act in their own self interest, more like children than adults. If you've decided to do what is undoubtedly the right thing and stay away then for your sacrifice to then be cancelled out in the most cruel of ways deserves to have the consequences spelled out in no uncertain terms.

    Edit: I've just seen that the R value has risen past 1 to between 1.1 and 1.2 and covid cases are increasing in England rising sharply in the south. Add to the mix that when the kids go back to school, those of secondary age will be tested for covid. How will they feel is one returns a positive test?
    Last edited by Helen_Highwater; 12-18-2020 at 11:46 AM.
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  18. #43
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    I've now had the conversation with my ex-wife and she fully supports me for deciding to stay home , she didn't realise the pressure my mother is under is also annoyed with my sister for letting this situation arise , she also said how nice it was for me to be invited as Teresa . My wife was fairly close to my mother so she still drops in and has coffee with her , at first I did wonder what her motives are but it's less important now .

  19. #44
    Member Rileyaz's Avatar
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    HI Teresa,
    First of all, screw the ex. She doesn't accept you as you are.
    Second, Love your mother. She truly loves you.
    Whatever you decide, do so knowingly.
    Riley

  20. #45
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Having just listened to the announcement of the heightened restrictions by the PM I think although you've already made your decision not to go it's now been taken out of your hands.

    Also, given the increased risk of transmission of the new variant you do really need to have a serious conversation with your other family members as to whether or not they visit your mother over Christmas. I know this thread started about your seeing her while dressed in the presence of others but the last place any of us want to be reading a post from you is in the Births, Marriages, In Memoriam, Passing of Members, Family and Friends section.

    My wife and I have already talked about stopping our daughter's fiance from visiting us for Christmas dinner as he's not part of our support/household bubble and could potentially pose a threat to my wife's elderly mother and shielding sister for whom we act as carers. Hard times, difficult choices but also necessary if we're to defeat this virus as quickly as possible.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  21. #46
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    Helen,
    I do agree I'm not in the highest tier but the virus doesn't know that , my ham trip on the 23rd is going to be enough of a risk .

    I didn't mention it but one my sister's sons is travelling up from Devon and has planned to stay over at my mother's home .

  22. #47
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    The matter really has been taken out of your hands, Teresa. All of you should stay home on Christmas Day and beyond, stay safe, and dress however you please.
    That bottle of wine will have to wait!

  23. #48
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Teresa, It matters not the reasons for ones break ups but where an ex is concerned over time it always goes belly up, after my divorce i kept in touch with my ex until it came to the point of it being a waste of time and we talk no more. You should not allow your ex to dictate how you should dress are who to see or whatever. Dress and be you, see your mum and your daughter if you can. In a way it is time IMO, to move on with your life, live it as you want to and how it makes you feel best.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  24. #49
    Aspiring Member Joni T's Avatar
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    Your ex is an ex for a reason. You live alone. Your ex should have no bearing on your current life. It's at your Mom's place. Her place, her rules. Go as Teri. If your ex doesn't like it, I'm sure she'll be free to leave.
    Just for the record, I collect ex's. I have 2.

  25. #50
    Member Geena Gee's Avatar
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    I've been invited to some friends houses for dinner, but I don't want to risk it. I don't have any family locally, my parents are both deceased, and my ex didn't invite me to Christmas dinner WHEN WE WERE MARRIED, so no reason to think that she would have me over now. Anyway, I plan on spending Christmas Eve and Christmas day with the only person that accepts me for who I am... ME! Things are bad here in Texas, and with the vaccines so close, I can celebrate Christmas with the people I care about in July.
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