Results 1 to 19 of 19

Thread: 1 Week update.

  1. #1
    Silver Member Geena75's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    2,522

    1 Week update.

    It has been a week since I was 'caught' by my wife (see "Curiosity and Fear" thread for details). Nothing to report. I'm still dressing and enjoying it. My spouse, despite many opportunities when it is just the two of us at home and nothing going on, has not touched the subject. I prepare myself almost daily for the possibility of having the conversation -- and am not panicked at the possibility. Knowing her, it is probable that she is willing to let the matter drop as long as nothing new is thrown out before her -- and I have no intention of letting that happen. For the present, I am regarding it as an unsaid DADT setting, which is fine with me.

  2. #2
    Junior Member Scarlett1975's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    84
    That's a tough one, if it were me I'd bring it up as I would have anxiety. Hopefully it goes down as you say and my fingers are crossed for you.

  3. #3
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    667
    I was going to hold off having the talk (Had a postal mare thread), but the anxiety was killing me.

  4. #4
    Member cindylouho's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2020
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    352
    What springs to mind for me Geena is that she either isn't ready to talk about it or waiting for the right time, possibly waiting for you to bring it up, or hoping it will go away, You'll have to figure out how long is too long to put off the discussion, or risk getting locked into a DADT arrangement. Maybe I've missed something, but I doubt it.
    Be the best you, be the true you.
    That said, I love faceapp so much I change my avatar daily

    https://giphy.com/gifs/l0MYEWpv7Ue0RFVaE/html5

  5. #5
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    British Columbia
    Posts
    2,108
    [slow conveyor belt delivering the victim to the lava pit]

  6. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    S.E.Baltimore Co. Maryland USA
    Posts
    43,780
    Hi Angela , That is a great description of the situation, >Orchid**OO**
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Location
    Maryland, USA
    Posts
    11,031
    I would have to have the conversation, the silence would make me uncomfortable. It may very well be a DADT for at least a while but get the talk behind you.
    Crissy

  8. #8
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Denver, Colorado
    Posts
    1,867
    Geena, your wife may be ruminating on the subject and assessing the possibilities. A lot of women and a good number of men do that when dealing with a complex, unexpected situation. It is like torture for the offender, but it is not intentional to ruminate on such problems. Males are more prone to react quickly, often with a lack of adequate preparation and thought. Males get anxious; females can too, but more often they are the ones that search all the angles. Then they start asking questions in an attempt to gather more information. Does she know you are wondering and waiting for the other shoe to drop? You betcha. I think the best approach is to start a conversation, but don't start making statements. Approach as she would. Ask questions. Don't "mansplain" it! Been there, done that. It doesn't work and only creates tension and friction. Be curious about her thoughts and answer questions honestly.

  9. #9
    Reality Check
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    8,842
    You got "caught" so now is the time to have the talk. This is the only way you will know how she feels about it.

    You may find out that she hates it and is thinking of leaving you, you may find out that she will tolerate it as long as she doesn't see it and you may find out that she is fine with it as long as you keep it in the house and don't go prancing around the neighborhood in a ballet gown and heels.

    This is your opportunity, take it.
    Krisi

  10. #10
    Silver Member Geena75's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    2,522
    Another possibility is that she is putting it behind her during this busy holiday season, and will bring up the 'distasteful' subject afterwards. I can understand that. I appreciate all your input, and welcome it -- otherwise, why bother you with it in the first place. I am touched that you have concern about anxiety I may be having, but be assured that I am not experiencing that (having dealt with anxiety from other sources in the past, I know what it feels like).

    Keep the following in mind: 1) I often go months without dressing and don't miss it. 2) I regard dressing up as a hobby, not a lifestyle. 3) My marriage/relationship is totally more important to me than this hobby. 4) I am pretty certain that, if it came down to it, my spouse would want it stopped altogether.

    When it is for the sake of my family, I have walked away from activities I enjoyed, and would do so again. I find that my relationship with my family and spouse is far more fulfilling than any hobby I have had.

    Again, my heartfelt thanks for your thoughts and concerns. I'll keep you posted if anything develops.

    Geena.

  11. #11
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Area Zona
    Posts
    4,470
    Quote Originally Posted by AngelaYVR View Post
    [slow conveyor belt delivering the victim to the lava pit]
    Uh, that's just too funny.

    Moving right along, the getting caught thing is the unfortunate reveal moment. Now there are a few issues that need to be nailed down.
    As a couple, you don't have to always agree but you do need to stay on the same page.
    And open communication should never be compromised.
    Your mileage may vary but, she needs to at least know that you understand her concerns.
    I think the worst part of this proclivity is the clandestine nature. Although we choose to hide it, we don't hide it by choice.
    Societal pigeonholing makes that choice for us.
    And true DADT is just a myth.

    You need to not let anything fester or act like nothing happened.
    When I was told that it would have been a deal breaker and should have been disclosed,
    I asked where exactly was the list that I was given?
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  12. #12
    Seasoned Member Rhonda Darling's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Near Winston-Salem, N.C.
    Posts
    1,146
    Another consideration is that she may be researching the matter. If so, I’d be worried that she might start finding the wrong type of information — debunked medical theories, the great bathroom issue, that dressing is an irrefutable indication of (choose several): gayness, intent to transition, unfaithfulness, deceitfulness, etc. Have the talk and have references to material that you think she should read first — taking the high road.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Be all the woman that you can be!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    . . . and now, On With The Show!

  13. #13
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    667
    Quote Originally Posted by Rhonda Darling View Post
    Another consideration is that she may be researching the matter. If so, I’d be worried that she might start finding the wrong type of information — debunked medical theories, the great bathroom issue, that dressing is an irrefutable indication of (choose several): gayness, intent to transition, unfaithfulness, deceitfulness, etc. Have the talk and have references to material that you think she should read first — taking the high road.
    That was my concern - there are too many people who write negatively about us and re-enforce the whole gayness etc. I had to get ahead of that one and reiterate my commitment to my wife - she even used Phillip bloody Schofield as a "well how do you know you're not gay, you might wake up one day and realise". The trans=gay is really strongly linked.

  14. #14
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Location
    France
    Posts
    1,454
    "The denial is strong with this one."

  15. #15
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    near Toronto, Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    4,275
    Well, as they say in movies involving unstable volcanoes, oil rigs or fuel depots on fire..."Look out!...she's gonna blow!!!"

  16. #16
    Princess Candice candykowal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Arlington Heights, Illinois
    Posts
    1,179
    OH PLEASE!....Like she doesn't know some thing you do are of a feminine nature....so you confirmed her suspicions.
    Honestly, you both lived together for long enough to know your testosterone is waning and you are enjoying things you normally didn't when you got married.
    She wondered why her Caress body soap got low quick, or the nail polish remover bottle wasn't in it's normal spot.
    Why there were heel marks on the kitchen floor when she last wore heels to the nieces wedding last year?
    Well, those are examples of minor things my wife could cue on...its not hard...I still wonder where I lost 2 faux nails on our property!
    She probable has a bag full of things she found of mine around our abode.
    DADT, you bet cha! She knows or is finding out guys do cross dress...move on and continue to move on WITHOUT any explanation.
    You know best, she is letting it ride, and may hold it against you in the future, big deal...like that wouldn't be the first time she got something on you... *giggle*
    I suppose I am saying continue to be hubby first, do what has been working for you both, don't over think it.
    You got this! ...you are doing fine!
    Candice Coleen Kowal ....all my friends call me Candy!

  17. #17
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Area Zona
    Posts
    4,470
    Candy, you're solid GOLD!
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  18. #18
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    Phoenix, Arizona
    Posts
    230
    Quote Originally Posted by CarlaWestin View Post
    When I was told that it would have been a deal breaker and should have been disclosed, I asked where exactly was the list that I was given?
    Well said, Carla! That's the best defense I've heard yet.

    Geena, I can certainly appreciate your dilemma. It's hard to choose the best course of action when you don't know what's going on in your wife's head. And there are several possibilities.

    On the one hand, Candy could be right. Depending how careful you've been--and how observant your wife is--she might have picked up clues to your crossdressing over the years, but chose to ignore them. At best, this could be because it doesn't matter to her what your private hobbies are as long as the marriage is sound and you haven't shown signs of "going off the rails" in any other way. And she might have been reluctant to broach the matter with you out of tact, so as not to embarrass you about a private issue you're not comfortable discussing. She did after all pass last week's incident off by echoing your lighthearted remark about "too much time on your hands."

    If that's the case--and it is "best case"--you have choices. You can let the matter lie, or you can touch on it with her, and there should be no harm done either way.

    A variant of this is that she might have been observant, but in denial: she doesn't want to think about what crossdressing might imply. Do you leave her comfortably in denial of what she's perceived (DADT), or do you raise the matter to reassure her about what it means? Will reassurance "work," or are you better off with her continuing "not to think about it"? That's a harder choice.

    At the other end of the scale is the possibility nobody has mentioned yet. Namely, that your wife might have noticed no clues, never suspected you of a marked "feminine side," and actually bought your explanation that you were "just wondering how you would look as a woman." It's not impossible. It was consistent with the camera on the tripod, and she never actually saw you dressed. And with respect to Candy's observations, if my own wife hadn't known about my crossdressing I doubt if she would have picked up on any clues.

    Caress body soap getting low? No, I never used her hand soap next to her wash basin on her end of the vanity. And we showered in the same place with the same soap: namely, Irish Spring. So what's to notice?

    Nail polish remover not in its usual place? Well, I'd put things back where I found them. Anyway there's some in every bathroom, and if she even noticed the level was down a bit in any of them, she'd no doubt assume--often quite rightly--that I'd been using it to clean something else. Acetone is handy for that.

    Heel marks on the kitchen floor? Not on tile. As for the carpet, my wife wasn't a fussy housekeeper and didn't go looking at the floor with a magnifying glass. There's still a plaque on the wall reading: "My house is CLEAN enough to be healthy... and DIRTY enough to be happy."

    It all depends on you two as individuals, your traits and your lifestyle. If you're in the habit of doing wacky things anyway "just for fun," your wife might have dismissed your "experiment" as just that, and thought little more about it.

    That presents different choices. The easy one in the short term is to "let sleeping dogs lie": to dismiss the whole thing and not worry about it, as your wife might have done herself. The only problem with that is, what happens if she catches you again in the future? Unfortunately you've painted yourself into a corner a bit by giving her an explanation that was not entirely true. That could make matters more awkward for you next time, unless you can "prepare the ground" beforehand. But if you're lucky, you may have plenty of time to do that.

    Unfortunately the most dangerous possibility lies somewhere in between these extremes, as Rhonda and Charlotte pointed out: that your wife may have read significance into the incident, and is processing it on her own without discussing it with you. The obvious risk there is that she could be encountering false, damaging information--or have some already in her head.

    If she turns to the Web for information, there are certainly worse places to go. I was pleased to see that simply typing "crossdressing" into Google immediately yielded the following results: a link to a sensible enough Wikipedia article, then this:

    What does cross-dressing indicate?

    Dear Alice, The term cross-dressing is usually used (but not always) to refer to cisgender, heterosexual men who wear clothing and accessories that are considered feminine or associated with women. ... Folks might cross dress for fun, for political motives, for sexual reasons, or to entertain.

    This was followed by a link to a more detailed article from Columbia U. titled Understanding cross-dressing | Go Ask Alice!

    Thankfully this was all very CD-friendly. The problem with some wives is whatever misleading trash others might already have put in their heads; or worst of all, the habit of yakking to female friends who could be thoroughly ignorant or prejudiced or both, and can poison a woman's mind against her husband. Eric Berne more than half a century ago was one who pointed out how some of these "friends" can be toxic and destructive to a woman's marriage.

    If that kind of damage is occurring, then it's important to try and monitor what kind of misinformation your wife might be receiving and be in a position to correct it with regard to your own crossdressing. How delicately you open the discussion with her is another matter.

    But overall I'd play it by ear. See if you can sense any subtle change in your wife's attitude toward you, or if there seems to be anything "on her mind." If not, take your time. If you need to discuss the subject with her, you might want to "ease into it" in a light and roundabout way, "test the waters" beforehand and gauge her reaction, rather than plunging in heavily with "Dear, there's something I need to tell you..." If you can convey the notion that crossdressing isn't such a big deal to you, it may not seem such a big deal to her either.

  19. #19
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Location
    France
    Posts
    1,454
    Quote Originally Posted by CarlaWestin View Post
    Although we choose to hide it, we don't hide it by choice.
    While I understand what you mean by "by choice", this argument isn't going to fly with a wife. When I hid my dressing from my wife, I didn't really think it through at age 16, but during a life of adulthood it's hard to pretend that I wasn't conscious at some point that I was lying to her. Past that point, it's a choice.

    Quote Originally Posted by CarlaWestin View Post
    When I was told that it would have been a deal breaker and should have been disclosed,
    I asked where exactly was the list that I was given?
    Here you are transferring the responsibility of the dressing and its consequences over to your wife...
    When you are consciously lying, you do it for a reason. So, again, hard to pretend that you didn't know it could be a deal breaker. If my wife cheats with another man she'll have a hard time convincing me that I had to make a list so she knew it was off limits. Yes, even with George Clooney.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marianne S View Post
    If you can convey the notion that crossdressing isn't such a big deal to you, it may not seem such a big deal to her either.
    Marianne, your post is a comprehensive cookbook for tricking a suspecting wife and making her think she's imagining things (and treating her like she has an IQ of 10). After reading your post I think Geena will be better trained at hiding things, deceiving her and taking advantage of her hesitations. Was that the idea?

    Quote Originally Posted by Marianne S View Post
    or worst of all, the habit of yakking to female friends who could be thoroughly ignorant or prejudiced or both, and can poison a woman's mind against her husband.
    Dedicated to all GG SOs who will one day make the extra mile of educating themselves on all things crossdressing, stumble on this site and have a blast discovering the infinite poetry dispensed in your descriptions of all things female. Like my wife. She's a real fan.
    Last edited by DianeT; 12-21-2020 at 03:29 AM. Reason: Added "your". Replaced "hiding" with "lying" since what I meant didn't seem clear to some members. Style.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State