Hello again,
As with the revolving door of my affliction, I say hi again. To reflect, to reach out, to contribute.
It?s been a few years since cross dressing has been on my mind. It?s amazing how it can go dormant for long periods. Now in my late 30?s, it?s never completely gone away. It?s never always been there either.
The reason I?m back is because I find myself at the top of a waterpark slide. I?m at the top. I just have to push myself off. I?m full of fear. I might have fun as I let myself go and succumb to gravity and find the joy in the rush of sliding down. But I have fear. What if something goes wrong. I?m high above the ground. When taking a risk, you can gain a lot or you can lose it all.
Analogies aside, here?s where I am at. It?s been nearly 10 years since my wife found my stash of photos of me dressed up. We almost lost our marriage. But she?s actually a bit alternative herself and she says that she is ok with me dressing. She even bought me some things to show her support. But I?ve kind of parked the issue since then. Whenever it?s been brought up, I toss the topic aside, saying that I haven?t thought about it, so it?s no longer relevant. I fear the uncomfortable, I run away as fast as possible. Confrontation is not my thing.
Two nights ago, my wife brought up our rocky sex life (infrequent). And reminded me that I never initiate sex and that I seem disinterested in her. I reassured her that I love her and I?m attracted to her and enjoy our sex when we do have it. All of that is true. I also mentioned that I think part of my avoidance of the cross dressing has stunted my sexual energy in the bedroom. I said that denying it may be holding me back from expressing myself and feeling sexual. While I love her and enjoy sex with her, it doesn?t ?do? it for me the way cross dressing does, or even thinking about it. I think the most difficult thing that I have come to accept is that for me, dressing up is largely sexual. That realization comes with a lot of conflict. What does that mean?? Will I no longer have an attraction for women? Does that mean that I?m just a pervert? Will my wife never truly be satisfied as long as I have this? Where do we go in the marriage with regards to our sex life? In contemporary culture you never see examples of a man and a women having a romantic time, and the man dons a sexy outfit, and his wife gives him a glamorous eyeshadow look. I know she?s open to trying to incorporate whatever turns me on in the bedroom. It?s just hard for me to picture. I?m anxious and shy generally speaking. This is WAY out of my comfort zone.
I?m at the top of that slide. Do I let myself go? Do I climb back down? Will I fall off the edge?
Much love to all. Maybe it?s too personal of a question. Anyone reading care to share some insight?