To piggyback on sandi, why go to a bar at all? Understand your rides, etc, but not why solo. Could your wife be worried this will lead to something she can't live with or that you might be too naive and be hurt and hurt bad?
To piggyback on sandi, why go to a bar at all? Understand your rides, etc, but not why solo. Could your wife be worried this will lead to something she can't live with or that you might be too naive and be hurt and hurt bad?
I think my previous post and explanation of gender behavior and all that is still useful, but now I am seeing something else that may be your wife's main concern. Based on your second post and further description I think your wife may be more comfortable with the dressing and gender issues you have than what could become of them. This is a big concern that many wives have. Will it lead to something sexual with others, mainly men? Will you become what they assume to be the nature of a cisgender sexual woman?
Although gender does not have strong natural connections to sex and controls more of the social role we have in life in general, gender is not without sexual connections that tend to be mentally stronger than is the neurological fact. Much of that comes from the concept of gender being binary and thinking that your sex and your gender are essentially the same thing. Modern research has found neither of those beliefs carry much truth with them. The connections are actually more vague than those concepts would lead you to believe. Nevertheless, perception often defines "reality" more than the plain, simple truth. And your wife is concerned that a major gender shift will, in the classic concept, maybe make you more submissive to the advances of a man who has sex on his mind. That is something women deal with all the time (#MeToo) and in the gender binary concept the stereotypical links of females being submissive still plays a big role in male/female relationships.
But if we all have one identity that is configured in various ways, as I described before, then the bowing to the gender binary is hard to support. As Monica said, " Either you are not interested in men or you are." That is far more the truth with regard to modern gender thinking than traditional gender thinking. If there is a question in your mind about whether you would be able to sexually relate to a man, then maybe you are on some thin ice from your wife's point of view. However, your gender expression needs may very well not be connected to any curiosities or actual desires. Getting a thrill from being touched on the leg or anywhere else is not necessarily a danger sign unless the touch is to the genitals. That generalized thrill of being touched on the leg does not necessarily mean you are ready to hop in bed. It is a long ways between a touch and having sex no matter what sex you are or what gender you are.
I think your wife is concerned about the common first question in the Big Reveal, "Are you gay?" But she wants to explore that more deeply to see what risk there is of you identifying strongly with those women who are sexually submissive to sexually dominant males. Only you can answer that question for you and for her. If you think about having sex as a woman when you dress, then there may be a risk. But it is only a maybe. As Dutchess described fantasy can become your reality and engaging in lots of fantasy can lead you to doing things that are very contrary to wedding vows, love, and faithfulness. They can become self-fulfilling prophecies. On the other hand, if your mate is aware of your desires and inclinations and accepts it even though not preferring it, then maybe you are on fairly solid ground. If not then the road will get very bumpy or impassable. I think this might be your wife's main concern - when in femme mode what are your inclinations sexually? For me, I rarely have any leanings that way, but many others do.
Yes, I remember it, a fall in a cafe's stairs with a cook coming to the rescue.Originally Posted by Dutchess
About having interaction with men when dressed, it seems one of the reasons for that hasn't been mentioned in this thread yet.
Shortly after I came out to her, my wife and I watched a French documentary from 2009 about crossdressing (titled "Crossdresser", imagine that). In that movie a CDer mentioned having given oral sex to another man. Then commented that he wasn't gay, but wanted to sample a full woman experience, to feel like one even in sex. This isn't the first time I see this. I think I have read in these forums a member mentioning the same experience and calling it "scintillating" (I had to look that word up in the dictionary then, but the meaning was obvious without one). So, obviously, some crossdressers consider themselves fully straight but want to experience sex as a woman, oral or whatever. I consider myself not gay, being repulsed by the idea of a man touching me (yes, even my legs in pantyhose, but as I don't go out I never really asked myself that question before seeing the documentary or reading these forums) and having no fantasies about it whatsoever. But as a curious mind, I can understand someone who does it, why he does it, and why it can be enriching as an experience. This is after all a progression on the continuum of impersonating a woman (or to live elements of a perceived female experience). I just don't feel the need to go this far in the experience (I want to feel like a woman in her clothes, not like a woman in all areas of life). But again, I definitely see the logic in declaring that you are not gay and still having sex "as a woman" with another man. Of course, this subtlety will only speak to a crossdresser, whose desire to feel or present as a woman can be driven by a fascination in female things, itself probably stemming from sexual attraction (at least for straight crossdressers). To the non-crossdressing audience, it will be a paradox to make such statements and you will be considered gay. For the same reason, I have the greatest difficulties explaining to my wife that my desire to dress as a woman at times is a logical extension of my cisgender sexuality, while at the same time this is as clear as crystal in my mind. If you are not a (straight) crossdresser, I simply think that you can't understand it.
-- EDIT --
P.S. BTW letting other men touch you when in a couple and the other wife/SO doesn't know is cheating.
Last edited by DianeT; 12-26-2020 at 04:12 PM.
In my experience, even accepting women always seem to think crossdressing is a progression that will lead to you transitioning to female and having male love relationships. Some actually get angry that you are ?just? a cross dresser and don?t plan to transition.
It takes education. My ex-wife had some friends who?d dabbled in crossdressing and it never progressed. This made it easier for her to accept that I was interested in crossdressing only. She was not aware of some of my previous cross-dressing relationships and I never told her about them.
You raise an excellent point, Alexis. In addition to the earnest communication related by the OP, education, and the understanding and confidence that can be derived therefrom, is easily just as important. I would also submit that, by extension, understanding one's self, truly understanding, is critically important too. My wife has been amazingly understanding so far, but if I could change one thing about my journey, it would be to have realized, much earlier, where I was headed. While there certainly was no conscious deception, it feels like it would have been more honest somehow, to have know and shared earlier on.
Calling bigotry an "opinion" is like calling arsenic a "flavor".
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