Thanks for all the advice, even though I didnt ask anything

[Maria_mtf]

Hello everyone. I am somewhat of an infrequent visitor to this site, often months between visits and normally I come looking for advice and to share my latest problem. This time is different, all I want to do is say thank you for all the great content on here, it really has helped me recently even though I haven't actually posted anything.

I am particularly thankful of those on here who manage to keep the rest of us grounded and help prevent us going femme crazy by reminding us not to be selfish, as I am married and have kids so this bit is very important to me. I would like to explain what I have been through recently but it will probably be a bit long, in summary talking is good for a marriage.

My wife and I have just gone through a rocky patch, 99% of this was my fault. Essentially my wife had enough of the distance and lack of intamacy I had created so she pushed me to explain what was going on, and why I refuse to talk about crossdressing.

I explained how I felt she hated my crossdressing, and as such she must not love all of me, how could she. Or at least this is the simplest way I could attempt to explain it. After talking it through over many days, lots of emotions, I worked out that I had come to this conclusions from probably around 5 or so comments my wife had made over a number of months. I explained that as I result I chose to not talk about it any more as I couldnt see a future with us that involved my dressing, if I embraced it at all I felt we would split up.

I know this was a stupid and cowardly approach and I think has eventually caused me mild depression. As a result of me locking this part of me away I distanced myself from my wife and we stopped being intimate (no hugs or kisses), and often argued about stupid things.

She was obviously not impressed and threatened to leave me if i didnt start being honest with her. As much as she doesnt get why I want to dress she doesnt hate me, and does want to be with me. Also she was extremely upset as to how selfish I was to hide things from her again from her again and said it was unfair of me to make a choice by myself on something that affects both of us.

Following this conversation, for roughly 3 days I felt sick to my stomach with anxiety/stress about what to do about our relashionship. I had figured I had two choices, 1. Finally be truly open with her either or 2. not have a future with her and see where it goes on my own. This is where I really struggled, I have fantasized about living on my own for ages, so I can explore crossdressing properly, and be selfish and do what I wish generally. However I love my family and dont want to break us up, that would inevitably result in less time with my kids. I love my wife, but with all the distance recently I thought I had fallen out of love with her. (Didnt say this bit out loud)

One morning I was particularly down and didnt want to get up. My wife tells me she thinks I am depressed and I need to stop putting off seeing a therapist. I agreed and have contacted one, finally found someone that has experience with lgbt and gender issues and they are fairly close. I had agreed to do this for 3 days but kept putting it off, which just showed her I wasnt willing to change.

We have spoken a lot after that initial conversations and I have been much more open with her, and explained why I thought she hated me dressing, therefore hated me.

One example I want to share. I recalled to her how I told her I wanted to shave my legs (months ago), she didnt want me to so I didnt. I said to her what can I do with that, I want to and you dont want me to, so I cant make us both happy. Her response, its your body so its your call, shave them if thats what you want. She then asks why I want to shave them, dont you want to look masculine? For once I was honest and said no I dont like looking masculine thats why I want to shave. She replied can you look manly sometimes for me? Of course I replied, and I can do that with no hair on my legs. This was all very light hearted and we laughed and smiled for the first time in ages.

My wife has a strong fear of me wanting to transition, and has said she wont stay with me romatiically if I did, but she would support me. I feared that admitting I didnt want to look masculine might confirm to her I want to be transition, even though I dont ever see myself transitioning permanently.

We have agreed to talk more every night, and I have warned her that I have bottled up lots of things over my life, I am finally ready to be fully honest. However she needs to try not explode each time I tell her something new because that makes me regress and hide more. For example I need to tell her I want to have electrolysis on my face, major reason is makeup obviously, but even as a guy shaving is such a waste of time and I wont ever grow a beard.

All this happened just before xmas, which was bad as our run up was hard but we sorted it all our by 23rd, so we had a great family xmas.

I feel like my mindset (potentially depression) and fear to be honest is what made me question my love for my wife. I am a introvert that loves time alone, depression and lockdown certainly messed with my head. Still havent worked out time to dress up and so makeup, she doesnt want to see me in a dress, however a bra and underwear is fine in the bedroom.

I write this feeling loved again, all solved by communication, I dont know why anyone on here hasn't mention how important good communication is ;-)

Looking forward to 2021. Thanks again everyone

[Maid_Marion]

Hi Maria,

That is great news about being able to communicate with your wife!

I used to talk to my wife every night. She saw a therapist, not covered by insurance, but saw no need for me to see one.
She is gone now, taken by a nasty genetic disease. I learned a ton of stuff by talking to her.

Marion

[sweetdreams]

Hi Maria.

I know others have and will emphasize the need for communication.

Probably very important is to move forward slowly. Keep the communication open. This won't resolve itself quickly and there is no need to rush anything.

It also sounds like you have some self-discovery to work on as well and that will take time. Just as an example, I tried shaving my legs for a while. Wife was not a fan of me doing this but I gave it a try. It didn't do much for me. I still do occasionally because I won't go out in public in a dress with real hairy legs, but from a sensual turn-on basis, it didn't do it for me. Leg shaving is very minimal for me at this point.

This crossdressing is a journey, not an event. Things could and likely will change over time. You will discover things along the journey. Things you like and don't like. Things your wife will be ok with and things she won't appreciate. Keep talking and sharing.

It's so important to take the journey with your wife. Keep her in the process and stay aware of, and sensitive to her side of this as well.

[Maria_mtf]

Thanks both for your comments, and sorry to hear regarding your wife Marion.

Taking it slow is the plan both with telling my wife and actually doing stuff, I didnt run off and shave my legs first chance I got.

I am sleeping in night dress tonight though, after having checked first she was still ok with it, good comms still going.

[DianeT]

Maria, first let me apologize in advance for being blunt in the lines that follow. Know that I am doing this in good faith, trying to help you, and certainly not to hurt you. If I do, let me know here or in PM and I will stop.

Your wife seems much more accepting and open to discussion than you seem to think. You seem thwarted in your communication attempts by the possibility of an outburst on her side. But don't these outbursts have something to do with the fact that you are not being fully honest with her? In your own words: "she needs to try not explode each time I tell her something new because that makes me regress and hide more". Sorry, but this is taking the problem from the wrong end. She doesn't need to stop exploding, YOU need to stop hiding things from her. All paragraphs in your post are pointing in the same direction: she's ready to hear it all. So there is a good chance that you are making the both of you miserable by not telling it all. Each additional hiding is an additional lie that will kill the trust in your couple. Reading posts by GGs in these forums will give you an idea how much wives hate this as it undermines and poisons everything.
About electrolysis: your wife is worried about a possible transitioning (like I suspect all not-yet-transitioned CDer wives are). Any kind of permanent body modification will probably add to her anxiety. Do you know men who went through electrolysis just to stop shaving? Because if you don't, neither will your wife probably, so what do you think she is going to think? I could be wrong, but the point about not ever growing a beard seems like a rationalization. Are you sure this is just about stopping shaving? (real question, not trying to be rude). Plus there's your talking about being alone to fulfill your fantasies.
In my opinion, you need to give some serious thinking about what you really want. The therapist may help getting there. Then have an honest talk with your wife where you will lay out all cards on the table (no secrets, no drip-drip-drip revelations anymore) and she will be able to decide what future she wants for her like the adult she is. And let her know right now that you are engaging this process, so she knows she's being heard and respected.
Thanks for sharing and for your honesty, and good luck.

[Maria_mtf]

Hi Diane,

Thank you for your advice, didnt sound blunt at all.

100% me hiding stuff is the problem, and its understandable if she gets upset when I tell her something big. All I am asking is that she try not to have such an outburst when I tell her, she knows she does this and agrees to try. If she cant well it is what it is. Its not a demand its an ask.

I'm 33 and I hide a part of myself every day to everyone, its what I have chosen to do out of fear. Its hard to flip the switch but I am trying. I realise I have promised 3 times on here to be more honest and I keep falling back into old habits. All I can do is try harder this time.

A while ago I wrote a letter explaining lots about me, including the name Maria and lots of stuff I had hidden from her. After reading it she exploded, and afterwards said it was too much to handle all at once. I have mentioned this several times ro her since and suggested I dont tell her every single thought I have at once, she agreed. She asked me to talk to her and tell her something new every week, a day later it was tell me every day, so I did, and that night I told her loads, and she knows there is more. So we are talking about our communication, I am not forcing her to do it my way (any more). I have seen the post from ggs about drip feeding info, but my gg is telling me otherwise, so I will listen to her.

Regards to electrolysis, my plan was to tell her thats what I want and explain the reasons why, first on the why list is makeup and beard shadow. Im not going to ask for permission or even suggest I do it. I get what you mean regarding transition, but I dont want to hide from her the fact I want it. I have only had one full makeover, beard started to show before the 3 hours was up. Electrolysis would fix this, but doesnt make sense to do it for makeup when I have worn it about 3 times in 33 years. I have a habbit of starting new hobbies then buying expensive stuff as a begginer before actually putting in any time to it. I have an obsessive personailty. Getting electrolysis after one makeover would be madness.

Is it a window to transition, no its not. I cant picture myself as a woman full time. I work from home and dont dress every day. I always want to be a dad to my kids and a husband to my wife. I may fantasize about being a woman but that is just it, a fantasy. Maybe one day that will change but I doubt it.

Men should have electrolysis, quick google says on average men spend 45 days of their live shaving their face and neck, cant argue with google facts!

As for what I really want, I have thought long and hard about it, and its a suprisingly difficult question to answer. Hopefully therapy will help me with this. What I really want is my wife and kids to be happy.

[Teresa]

Maria,
I may have commented before but much of this is so familiar , so I do understand the dilemma you face , trying to be honest with yourself while being honest with your wife , that's not always on the same page !

Body shaving is sometimes illogical , both my brother in laws and my son have very little or no chest hair , neither of my brother in laws have much leg hair , does anyone question their masculinity ? I know the answer may not wash with your wife but body hair does ecourage more bacteria so you ytend to smell more when it's warm , female deodorant apperas to be more effective but I tend to use less , I may still sweat but there's no odour .

You mention a few time about " the selfish act " but consider you are dealing with something inside you which will always be a part of you , whether you dress everyday , once a month or once a year , being TG is nothing to be ashamed of , if counselling helps then keep on doing it , I was lucky I managed to get mine on the NHS , my GP was very supportive .

You will have fantasies , until you can come to terms with your needs , my life only achieved a balance when I was free to be Teresa full time , OK that will be a tough one for your wife to deal with . The fact I'm now a happier and contented person means I'm being accepted by my close family , they prefer that to the alternative .

These days there are accepted levels of transition , I really don't have a need to start hormones or go on to surgery , so it's no all or nothing , dealing with your dysphoria is the important point .

[DianeT]

Maria, since your wife herself asked you to do it in waves, that's cool. Just make sure she knows there's more in store and that she can have it when she wishes so. I understand that it can be difficult if she has a fit at each new revelation. When I came out to my wife, she had various reactions ranging from distress to anger and I didn't always take it well, but I tried to keep in mind that she was the injured party, not me, and that I had to let her take the blow and be patient about it. Maybe your wife overreacts to some of the information (but how would we do ourselves if faced with similar disturbing info?), and it's good that she admits it and tries to reduce the stress next time, but she certainly needs to let steam out and you need to be tolerant about this, because it is very important that she feels entitled to express her feelings and pain.
My wife was also very worried about transitioning. Just like you, I had fantasies about it (EDIT for my wife: about imagining being a woman, not about an actual transitioning process), especially when younger, and never thought it would change to a reality one day. However in these forums you will see a lot of theories about CDing being an antechamber for transitioning, that it is the destiny of all CDers, and that if it doesn't happen it is only because adverse conditions prevented it to blossom (such as being too old when it becomes socially possible). I don't subscribe to these generalization theories, although I admit that for the individual it is hard to be 100% sure about what one really wants deep in his mind.

[Stephanie47]

My aged grandmother died at 91 years old. She was always a wise woman. She told my brother and I "Words once spoken cannot be unsaid!" Cross dressing aside how one truly feels about anything usually comes out in a moment of passion, i.e., the truth is revealed. I've been married almost fifty years. Over those many decades my wife has said some things which really struck my heart, and, those words did not always involve cross dressing. I have read many retorts on this site from wives about the secretive behavior of their spouses. I readily agree perhaps one should have disclosed this personal 'kink' a future husband has, but, his cross dressing is usually associated with a lot of self loathing, disgust and hatred for who he may be. I think those ideas of self are brought about by societal dislike for anyone not like the herd. That aside, when the truth is revealed what happens?

I went back and read Maria's prior posts/threads. Nothing seems to have really changed.

Not knowing the full details and only one side of the conversations I can only draw upon my own relationship. My wife and I are in a deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. As I have said many times on this forum she has not said 'boo' since 1983. It has driven me to secrecy. We had 'The Talk.' Her words, once spoken cannot be unsaid. She said exactly what she meant. She did a little backtracking, but, what is backtracking worth? To me, it is telling me you wish you did not say what you really mean. The Genie is out of the bottle, and, never can be put back in. Hence, one has to deal with it.

Long before cross dressing arose as an issue in my marriage my wife and her cousin sat and filleted a cross dresser who lived down the street from us. "Poor woman, she married a cross dresser." His wife dumped him like a hot potato. Yikes, what is in store for me. Well, it was not too bad. My wife said, had she known she would not have married me. The truth is revealed. Then how does one proceed in the marriage.

I am not stupid. I do not raise a red flag in front of the bull and take the chance I may be seriously gored. I do not want to be hurt by endless confrontations. Nor does my wife want to be reminded of my "needs." Sometimes people do not survive endless battles. I don't not known if it "is great news about being able to communicate with a wife," if nothing gets resolved.

So, this all will become a balancing act. Weigh the pros and cons. Both spouses will do that. Who will win? And at what cost will the victory come? My wife uses and expression that may wrap it all up; "I love you, but, sometimes I do not like you!" I don't know if a spouse really loves his or her mate if one constantly throws it back in the other's face.

[sweetdreams]

I think sometimes the "hiding" can be more of an "I don't know what I don't know."

In my case I wish I could turn the clock back to when the wife and I got married. I wish I had the maturity, understanding, wisdom, and courage to tell her about my CDing. I wish I could have told her what this was all about before she committed herself to me. Through most of my life it was underdressing and bedroom play which she learned about and went along with after she married me. I honestly didn't know what this was and the role it would play in our relationship. In the beginning it was a very occasional thing in my life. Something that was rarely done. I was on a four year cycle it seemed. After we were married, being around her femininity and girly things brought it to the forefront in a way I didn't expect. I lacked the understanding of what this was. I most certainly couldn't have imagined putting on makeup, a dress, high heeled shoes and heading out the door. Even just a few years ago I thought this was impossible. Now I can't wait until my next outing. I just didn't know, and for forty years through our child rearing years, crossdressing was fairly subdued and stayed on the back burner. It was only recently in my older years that the push to supersize this became significant. At 33 years old, which is where Maria is now, I could not have told my wife the extent of what was to be. I just didn't know. Lots of things changed. Also keep in mind back 30 years ago, there was no internet so we (CDers) couldn't share ideas and experiences to help others understand what this might look like. It was also a timeframe where society was not that pleasant for us. It was more difficult to understand what the possibilities and ramifications might be. We were for the most part isolated from each other, left alone to stumble in the dark.

Even today I don't know what the end picture is going to be like. We have grown children still at home. I'm waiting for them to finally launch out on their own so I can experiment a bit more with just being a MIAD around the house maybe on a frequent basis. Once I do this it might be something that wears thin after a while. Not everything we have in mind turns out to be as exciting or fulfilling as we imagine. My leg shaving experience I shared above is an example of this. I thought shaving my legs was a really girly thing to do and initially I was enthralled. After a while it became a task I had to do in order to wear a dress. The physical sensation and mental infatuation wore off and it became a pretty mundane have-to-do process (funny, I think it's probably just like real girls experience in shaving their legs).

Also in my post above I tried to suggest crossdressing is more of a process than an event. This was to propose the idea that many of us don't know the extent or limits of where we might end up. It's not like we wake up one morning and say "oh I'm a crossdresser and I know exactly what that means". For many things we need to experience things in order to judge how they fit with our psyche. Like teenage girls we need to do dumb awkward things in order to understand and develop our sense of who we want to become as girls. It's a learning process. Sometimes there are huge decisions to be made. Today I can say I have zero interest in transitioning. Even if I were to go as far as implants and presenting every day (also not on the horizon), I don't think I need to trade in my genitalia. I'm quite happy with my male stuff and the things I would need to go through for the change over is extensive and daunting. Wow what a commitment that takes. My heart goes out to those who do transition. Just not convinced I need this. But who knows. Maybe one day I wake up and my brain is pushing me hard in that direction. I can't be 100% sure it won't happen.

There's also the idea of sharing too much with our spouses, in too short a timeframe. This will tend to make this much scarier then it needs to be. Like trying to take a drink from a fire hose. It starts to resemble more like drowning than drinking. It can take time for someone to take it all in. Patience is a virtue. It's not only the explaining and discussing, but also the experiencing of what this means. Even now as the wife and I occasionally venture out into the real world with this, we both need to experience how the world will interact and accept us. This all takes time, patience and open discussion.

So in summary, what I'm trying to say is, as much as I agree being open and honest is the best course, I think there needs to be some resilience and adaptability built into this journey we (and our spouses) find ourselves on. It's a journey of self-discovery for both us and our spouses. Boundaries need to be discussed. Relationships require people to bend a bit. Sometimes there are show stoppers. Sometimes the show stoppers will mean the relationship isn't going to work. Sometimes with patience and caring the boundaries can move a little. This is quite a challenging undertaking we have. The best we can do is try and be true to ourselves as we know the truth to be in any moment in time, to share this truth with our spouses while being respectful and sensitive to their feelings. To do the best we can, with what we have, and what we understand about it, with love and caring for ourselves and those around us.

[c2candice]

Hi Marie,

Your story is all too familiar for me. And likely a lot of people here too. The hiding, the intense fear, the shame. The confusion. The sadness. The crippling fear and anxieties that shut me off from connecting with my partner.

I think of the connection between me and my partner as a hose. When I try and stop any part of an emotion from her, it plugs the hose and clogs the entire connection eventually. It could be a work dispute that I’ve not shared and considered it meaningless to bring up, though it’s obviously taking up my mind. It could be me thinking about a conversation we had and fixated on something. Most of the time though, it’s cross dressing. Either me wishing for more time. About me dreaming up “the conversation”. Her accepting wholeheartedly and even encouraging and loving it too!! Most of the time, rejection. Disgust. Horror. Laughter. Confusion. Or worse yet, acceptance at first and then slowly change to disdain. All of those things occupy my mind.

See I’m a man of contemplation. I often have conversations in my head between me and others with whom I am dreading a conflict. Most of the time I play out the worst case scenario in my head. So, I conclude the other persons thoughts, emotions, reactions, opinions before they even need to have them. I then act accordingly. Assuming the worst. Stuff that idea aside and keep marching on, in silence.

This pattern plays itself out in any manner of work, family or friendship relationships. It’s no surprise that the cross dressing conversation is another one.

Slowly I’m becoming more accepting of myself. I think that’ll help. The other thing is to embrace the uncomfortable and potentially awkward situations. It feels like running straight into a burning building. Who knows, maybe I might just save a soul or two if I’m courageous enough.

I’m doing better. I’m talking to my wife more. I’m revealing more every conversation. Reaffirming her fears at the same time.

She worries that if I’m dressed feminine, I’m going to be passive in our relationship. Even though she leads our relationship most of the time, she still likes me to be “manly” and take charge in the bedroom. I get that. She wants to be desired for her feminine spirit. And I can understand that she fears that I won’t desire her anymore, and my desire or obsession will turn inward. Having been around these boards a while, I read that it’s a common feeling for an SO that is trying to understand. They still want you to want them. No matter how you’re dressed.

Sorry that turned into a long post! Take care.

[Teresa]

Candice,
My counsellor tried to cure me of living off assumptions , those conversations going on in your head but never being spoken openly . She was so right have the open conversation because we can't keep going round in circles with assumptions , it's mentally destructive .

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Maria , You sure have a lot on your plate, Hope it all works out for you , >Orchid**OO--

[Maria_mtf]

Sweet dreams and candice, so much of what both of you said resonates with me it really does, thank you both sharing. Sweet dreams it was reading your posts and the replies that helped me recently.

Stephanie thanks for your comments, one of them really stood out, about reading my previous threads and not much has changed. I hinted to this a few times in this thread so I am well aware this is the case. Since our chat my wife is happier and we are both more affectionate with each other. All I can do is try to be honest this time, and not go back to hiding my emotions.

Teresa, hello again, always appreciate your comments. With regards to shaving, my wife has actually commented about shaving to reduce sweat/smell with regards to herself. This is one of the reasons I used to shave my armpits, and my wife didnt mind. I used to shave my chest, I didnt realise I hadnt told my wife and she didnt realise I did until the other day which I found a little funny. Although its hard to miss my 6 or so hairs!

Thanks Orchid :-)

[Robbin_Sinclair]

Hi ... A person can live a long life and never know how secretive it is. I still live in secrecy but one thing I did learn is importance of hugs, nice comments and a smile. Every day, I think about what would happen if she was gone. How I would cry for the opportunity to say hello.

INITIATE, don’t just participate in being the nicest person you can be. It works for me honey.
Love ❤️��