Hello everyone. I am somewhat of an infrequent visitor to this site, often months between visits and normally I come looking for advice and to share my latest problem. This time is different, all I want to do is say thank you for all the great content on here, it really has helped me recently even though I haven't actually posted anything.
I am particularly thankful of those on here who manage to keep the rest of us grounded and help prevent us going femme crazy by reminding us not to be selfish, as I am married and have kids so this bit is very important to me. I would like to explain what I have been through recently but it will probably be a bit long, in summary talking is good for a marriage.
My wife and I have just gone through a rocky patch, 99% of this was my fault. Essentially my wife had enough of the distance and lack of intamacy I had created so she pushed me to explain what was going on, and why I refuse to talk about crossdressing.
I explained how I felt she hated my crossdressing, and as such she must not love all of me, how could she. Or at least this is the simplest way I could attempt to explain it. After talking it through over many days, lots of emotions, I worked out that I had come to this conclusions from probably around 5 or so comments my wife had made over a number of months. I explained that as I result I chose to not talk about it any more as I couldnt see a future with us that involved my dressing, if I embraced it at all I felt we would split up.
I know this was a stupid and cowardly approach and I think has eventually caused me mild depression. As a result of me locking this part of me away I distanced myself from my wife and we stopped being intimate (no hugs or kisses), and often argued about stupid things.
She was obviously not impressed and threatened to leave me if i didnt start being honest with her. As much as she doesnt get why I want to dress she doesnt hate me, and does want to be with me. Also she was extremely upset as to how selfish I was to hide things from her again from her again and said it was unfair of me to make a choice by myself on something that affects both of us.
Following this conversation, for roughly 3 days I felt sick to my stomach with anxiety/stress about what to do about our relashionship. I had figured I had two choices, 1. Finally be truly open with her either or 2. not have a future with her and see where it goes on my own. This is where I really struggled, I have fantasized about living on my own for ages, so I can explore crossdressing properly, and be selfish and do what I wish generally. However I love my family and dont want to break us up, that would inevitably result in less time with my kids. I love my wife, but with all the distance recently I thought I had fallen out of love with her. (Didnt say this bit out loud)
One morning I was particularly down and didnt want to get up. My wife tells me she thinks I am depressed and I need to stop putting off seeing a therapist. I agreed and have contacted one, finally found someone that has experience with lgbt and gender issues and they are fairly close. I had agreed to do this for 3 days but kept putting it off, which just showed her I wasnt willing to change.
We have spoken a lot after that initial conversations and I have been much more open with her, and explained why I thought she hated me dressing, therefore hated me.
One example I want to share. I recalled to her how I told her I wanted to shave my legs (months ago), she didnt want me to so I didnt. I said to her what can I do with that, I want to and you dont want me to, so I cant make us both happy. Her response, its your body so its your call, shave them if thats what you want. She then asks why I want to shave them, dont you want to look masculine? For once I was honest and said no I dont like looking masculine thats why I want to shave. She replied can you look manly sometimes for me? Of course I replied, and I can do that with no hair on my legs. This was all very light hearted and we laughed and smiled for the first time in ages.
My wife has a strong fear of me wanting to transition, and has said she wont stay with me romatiically if I did, but she would support me. I feared that admitting I didnt want to look masculine might confirm to her I want to be transition, even though I dont ever see myself transitioning permanently.
We have agreed to talk more every night, and I have warned her that I have bottled up lots of things over my life, I am finally ready to be fully honest. However she needs to try not explode each time I tell her something new because that makes me regress and hide more. For example I need to tell her I want to have electrolysis on my face, major reason is makeup obviously, but even as a guy shaving is such a waste of time and I wont ever grow a beard.
All this happened just before xmas, which was bad as our run up was hard but we sorted it all our by 23rd, so we had a great family xmas.
I feel like my mindset (potentially depression) and fear to be honest is what made me question my love for my wife. I am a introvert that loves time alone, depression and lockdown certainly messed with my head. Still havent worked out time to dress up and so makeup, she doesnt want to see me in a dress, however a bra and underwear is fine in the bedroom.
I write this feeling loved again, all solved by communication, I dont know why anyone on here hasn't mention how important good communication is ;-)
Looking forward to 2021. Thanks again everyone