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Thread: Coming out to women, but not to men?

  1. #1
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    Coming out to women, but not to men?

    I'm just wondering if anybody else is in the situation I've found myself, which is that I've now told four females that I am on the transgender spectrum, and with the exception of my wife they've been really supportive (not that my wife hasn't, she's just not able to understand it, but has accepted it is what it is).

    When talking with one of them, she suggested that a male mutual friend of ours would be totally supportive and would be the type of person who wouldn't mind if I was dressed when we met.

    I dismissed it. It's never happening. Decision made.

    I've thought about this a lot since, and I wonder if it's just fragile masculinity in action where I simply cannot reveal a female side and a perceived weakness to another man.

    Anybody else in this situation where they'd happily tell women, but not men?

  2. #2
    Member VS Fan's Avatar
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    100% agree .... not sure if it’s the presumed lack of negative physical response (a beat down) or if it’s simply that women (generalizing here) are more sensitive, accepting etc... but I’ve come out to maybe 6 or 7 women, and only one guy (who happens to be married to one of the women)
    Kelly a.k.a. VS Fan

  3. #3
    Junior Member Amelia_Rose's Avatar
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    I totally agree! I am much more comfortable with the thought of telling women, but men do give me pause. I feel like women are more likely to respond in a positive/neutral way, where as man are more likely to make the automatic assumption that you are trying to seduce them because, let's be honest, as men we do a lot more thinking with what's between our legs than what's in our skulls...
    Never forget that life is short. Whatever you believe, there's no guarantee of tomorrow or a second chance, so live your life the way you want! Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and let's make this world a little brighter together!

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    Charlotte,
    I think most of us feel safer breaking it to a woman first , we are possibly more aware of what reaction a man might give and we aren't looking for confrontation we are searching for accecptance .

    Some of my coming out process happened here on the forum , looking back it was a sensible thing to do , like minded people could give you words of advice that had some value because they had lived it themselves .

    We touch many nerves in a man that we don't in a woman , some are not of our doing and the reactions can be unpredictable , women may ask if you're gay men may not as sometimes there might be a hidden agenda .

    Sorry to repeat myself but telling someone is very different to them seeing you , that's why for some time I used pictures , what people imagine you to look like and what you actually do can be a total surprise to them .

    Support can vary , some are OK as long as it's not on their doorstep , some are great knowing but don't want to spend endless hours talking about it , it maybe a big thing to you but it's possibly not to them .

  5. #5
    Senior Member Angela Marie's Avatar
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    Well, I have come out to a few women, including my wife; which I did on our second or third date. I agree that men may be more judgmental and I suspect it may be a bit of homophobia. As an aside when I go to my gym I always wear leggings; all types and colors and some clearly feminine. I have never had a negative comment from any men but I have had positive comments from women who told me how much they love them, where did I buy them, etc. Anecdotal to be sure but thats my opinion. I also have been mulling the possibility of wearing nail polish which should be interesting.

  6. #6
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    I agree, Charlotte. In general women are more accepting of diversity than men. The gender binary thinking has established males as dominant even though that is gratefully being attacked from all sides. Fragile masculinity may be a significant factor in this. That dominance is a difficult thing to maintain in these modern times and I think that has a lot to do with why masculine gender expression seems to have drifted more toward the macho version.

    However it is important to also recognize that younger males (Millennials and younger) are not so much that way as the older males. It appears that men and women in the younger set view things in a more egalitarian fashion and, in my experience, there is a good deal more acceptance of diversity in gender expression and gender identity in the younger age group. So, perhaps the machoistic tendencies of older men is fading in the younger group. However traditional masculine values are still important to younger males; it is just that there seems to be a slow decline.

    All that said, women in general seem to understand gender variance better than men. Differences in the mode of communication by males and females play a large part in that. Women tend to seek more information by asking questions while men have a higher tendency to make firm statements; these may be derived from the status in the gender binary which is still widely applied even though slipping in popularity mostly as a result of the actions of women to be less tolerant of such dominance. Whether that translates to a higher acceptance of a husband who has a more feminine identity is occurring is an interesting question. I suspect there is still a resistance in public, but perhaps a higher acceptance in private. Baby steps maybe. But in the older women tolerance with a husband is probably not shifting much as there are so many more traditional values held by older women than in the younger women. Tradition seems to be a strong element in older women with the younger women taking a bit more free form pathway.

  7. #7
    Reality Check
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    If you "come out" to anyone who doesn't have a good reason to keep your secret, you have come out to the world. It may take a while, but everyone is going to know about it.
    Krisi

  8. #8
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    Just throwing my experience.
    Women will commiserate with the female experience.
    Men will grab your boob.
    It's sad.

  9. #9
    Member Jackie27's Avatar
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    I hove only came out to women and all have been very supportive. But I was selective to who I did come out to. There have been at least a half dozen and it feels so wonderful to do it and have their support. It does take a load off my shoulders to have a friend who does not judge me.

  10. #10
    Member Jennifer0874's Avatar
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    For me I know the women in my life are very accepting of LGBTQ+ issues. The first woman who knew was my mom who found some of her things in my room when I was in high school. She was a strong single woman who let me know it was okay. Because of issues with my father growing up, I truly don’t trust most men.

    My closest friends are women and the strong emotional relationships we have led us all to have deep conversations with each other. We have opened up to each on such a deep level there are few secrets.

  11. #11
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    It's a difficult thing to get past sometimes.
    I think it's that we resist admitting that we are not as "male" as others since we have this distinctly feminine side to us and we feel that we will be seen almost as a lower class by other males.
    With women we are expressing that femininity to others that have those same traits. I don't know ... maybe it's just easier to talk to others with whom we feel we have a shared experience to a degree.

    It's funny because I've been struggling with something similar for a while now. My older cousin is gay and married to his partner. They know that we accept them and I would love to be able to come out to them, yet I'm afraid that I will be rejected. How weird is that...
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  12. #12
    Girliegirl Jillian Faith's Avatar
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    Absolutely, I have only come out to women and feel more comfortable in discussing my cross dressing and need to feel pretty. The only males I have discussed my cross dressing with are either other CDs and 1 Drag Queen who worked the MAC counter at our local Macy's. All of my male friends would be appalled that I cross dress and would assume I do because I'm a closet gay and want to have sex with men.
    Jill

  13. #13
    Silver Member NancySue's Avatar
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    I?ve only told woman..my wife. There?s no way I?d ever tell any of my men friends, especially in our conservative town. One of my golfing buddies wore a pink golf shirt at a golf outing last summer. He got teased the whole day. Another friend, after a few beers, told us he wears pantyhose when he goes hunting to keep his legs warm, at his wife?s suggestion. The message is loud and clear. 🤫

  14. #14
    Chick for a Day Tricia Lee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CharlotteCD View Post
    I've thought about this a lot since, and I wonder if it's just fragile masculinity in action where I simply cannot reveal a female side and a perceived weakness to another man.

    Anybody else in this situation where they'd happily tell women, but not men?
    Yes, for sure. Me included, and probably the vast majority of people on here.

    I think some guys would be OK with it for the most part. But I have lots of male activities (sports and things) that I do with different people, and I absolutely believe that if this was known it would affect those activities. I don't want the potential impact.

    I'm not overly concerned about any kind of physical response. It just seems like unnecessary drama to go around telling people who aren't impacted by my dressing up, or unlikely to be the slightest bit interested in it, let alone be really freaked out by it.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by CharlotteCD View Post
    I wonder if it's just fragile masculinity in action where I simply cannot reveal a female side and a perceived weakness to another man.
    I believe you are correct.

    I see it often here, CD's will go out of their way to make sure everyone knows they are "not gay". I hang out with a group of CD's and TG's on Zoom every Friday night. During the night at least one of the CD's has to show everyone some of their porn collection, I guess to make sure we all know they are still attracted to GG's.

    So don't feel bad as you become more comfortable with yourself you will find it easier to come out.

  16. #16
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    It is easier to come out to women.I have 4 women in my neighborhood who know me as Michelle.Three of their husband know I crossdress but i don't really associate with them
    much.It's just easier with other women.The guys don't hassle me or anything.It's actually kind of nice to have some girl friends.

  17. #17
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Women r rarely as threatened by a man to woman trans as males tend to be. Especially American men. So insecure!

    However Charlotte, u may have your own insecurities to deal with. Worrying men will think less of u for instance!?

    There's a reason why so many here who tell others about their dressing add, "But I'm not gay!"
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  18. #18
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    I definitely felt more comfortable telling women over men. My original perception was that I feel more close to women than men so thought that is why. When telling a woman you are accepting femininity (positive) but when you tell a man you are rejecting masculinity (negative). So I also agree with the "fragile masculinity" comment earlier in the thread.

  19. #19
    Another fine dress AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    Was the suggestion to tell that guy a coded way of saying she knows he is also a club member?

  20. #20
    Happy being Stevie Stevie Allyn's Avatar
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    Angela, that thought had crossed my mind too.

  21. #21
    Senior Member kayegirl's Avatar
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    Most of my friends are married people, and when coming out, it was to both partners at the same time. My feeling is that it is wrong to tell just the woman, and expect her to then not tell her hubby, or to hope that she might tell him for you.
    And just in case you are wondering, only one coutlets reacted negatively, mainly the wife who could not handle the news. They are no longer on my Christmas card list!

  22. #22
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    I wouldn't say that I'd 'happily' tell women, but I won't tell a man (other than anonymously, as here). I've had mostly bad experiences with men in the past. The constant competitiveness, always who's higher in the pecking order, the dishonesty in so many things, being taken advantage of by many, and beaten by others.
    Nope, I've learned the hard way that men aren't likely to be my friends.
    Women? I've told a few. One was gay, and suggested several times that I 'try it', but she didn't push it. The other gay gal was fine with me being who I am, as I was with her; me deep in the closet, her married to her wife.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  23. #23
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    I think that coming out to women is both easier and safer.

    I believe that we all know men who are very nice and kind.....and then when anything they perceive as "gay" enters their world they go completely bananas.

    No one wants to come out to someone who just might punch them in the nose! I don't think that too common, but I also think that statistically it will happen to someone somewhere.

    Like most, or all above, I first came out to women. The first man I came out to was my bff's hubby. He was supportive, in fact a tad bit too supportive. I later found out he had ulterior motives. The next men I came out to were the husbands of my gfs at a Halloween party. There were no bad reactions and the Earth, to my sheer shock, did not explode....

    Even then a couple were shocked when they saw me at the Christmas party. I guess they thought Halloween was...Halloween. Even though I was very clear when asked the inevitable questions.

    I do though have no desire to come out to my male friends from that part of my life. I think it is an issue of possible ridicule and/or nonacceptance

  24. #24
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    I don't know if women are really more accepting, it's possible. But homosexuality and crossdressing are two topics questioning the male identity which may be bothering some men and make them uneasy or downright hostile. It kind of removes the carpet from under their feet in the areas of virility, social role, etc. I don't see that happening with women because they are not the primary subject as females and for this reason would less fear rejection from them.

  25. #25
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    There are two categories of disclosures.

    Of those I knew, they were all women that I dated (give or take four).

    There were people I didn't know; a guy at Sephora (making an appointment for a makeover), an SA at Nordstrom (to arrange trying on clothes after the Sephora makeover), a nail tech (who was great), another nail tech (who became my friend Michelle), a SA at a Dangerfield in Melbourne, a SA at a Ted Baker store in Las Vegas.

    So I haven't disclosed to anyone who didn't have a need to know. They were all female because I date females.

    The others were transactional, so male or female didn't really matter.

    But on the whole, I would prefer to disclose to women, because they are more accepting, IMO.

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