Since another post mentions New Year?s resolutions I have been thinking about how I should approach this new year.
For the first time since I was 18 it is just me. I am alone and on my own for the first time in my life. I am filled with self doubt. What do I want in life? Who am I? What am I? Where am I going and what bus do I take to get there? How can I find the blue bird of happiness?
Sometimes I think that I have more issues than Time magazine?.
I have social anxiety disorder. I am afraid to make a phone call or to talk to strangers, i.e. order pizza, make an appointment. I have anxiety going to the store because I must interact with other people. Even the New Years day Zoom meeting. I was looking forward to attending but got cold feet just 10 minutes before it began. I literally ran to my bedroom and stayed there for an hour. Sometime I get better after a few minutes of interacting getting to know someone, but other times I remain afraid and embarrassed almost wanting to run away from the conversation. I have a very difficult time making new friends and keeping friends. My wife knew of my disorder and helped me to get through daily life. But now that buffer is gone and I feel completely exposed.
How do I become more self disciplined? How do I get over the social anxiety? How do I make new friends and meet new people? How can I constructively spend my time?
For the New Year here are some of the things that I want to do. I want to join the group meetings with Lehigh Valley Transgender Renaissance. I want to attend zoom meetings with crossdressers.com I want to get better at playing guitar, I want to learn how to use and apply makeup. Maybe this year will be the first public appearance for Rachel? Start voice training? Start HRT? Electrolysis?
I am looking forward to working with a therapist for my issues. I want to move past just seeing the therapist to survive day to day. I want to explore my gender dysphoria and my social anxieties. I want to be set free to be the best me that I can be. I want to be the best friend that I can be and I want to be there for others as they have so often been there for me.
It is a long journey in front of me. Maybe I will find a new partner to share it with or maybe i won't. But either way I know that I must change if i want to be happy. I know that I do not want to take this journey alone and I will need to make new friends. A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.
Hello friends.
Love,
Rachel