It's been a big day for me, and I know so many of you have been through similar things, so it's no big deal, but it is for me, and I wanted to share.
My wife has known about my desire to dress for a decade. She has always supported me, though she's never seen me and we're both okay with that. Nonetheless, I've always had trouble talking to her about it - mostly because I don't want to upset her, give her reason to worry about how far it will go etc, but also because I'm just plain embarrassed. I'm a capable person, in control of most things in my life, but I seemingly have no control over my desire to wear dresses.
But the internal dialogue is killing me. Christmas and COVID have made it hard to find time to be me, as have an ever maturing family (who stay up later than me now). Opportunities to express myself have dried up and the inner angst has been very hard. And I realised how lonely it is to carry such a burden.
So I was a big girl today and told her how I was feeling. As much as anything, I simply wanted to share the crazy anxiety I carry, and tell her what I was feeling. I'm terribly embarrassed that it has taken me so long to do so to the person I love and trust more than anyone. It's a shame I have trouble reconciling.
And of course, she was amazing. She told me her anxieties too, and that she loves me no matter what, and that she understands I have needs that won't go away. She offered me only support and kindness.
She found me out years ago - not the way I wanted, but through a mistake when I'd been too afraid to tell her. It is the one thing in my life I'd change above all others. I can't tell you how much I regret that mistake.
Tonight she's encouraged me to have some alone time. So here I sit, as I write, wearing a gorgeous cocktail dress and heels, drinking a beautiful glass of champaign, and feeling how truly lucky I am to have someone like her in my life.