I think a definition of DADT is "she knows, but wants to pretend she doesn't know." Sort of a pretend tolerance, I guess.
I think a definition of DADT is "she knows, but wants to pretend she doesn't know." Sort of a pretend tolerance, I guess.
Charlotte -- thanks for bringing this up, as I find myself in the same boat with you (probably a really big and/or crowded boat with everyone else that needs to be in it). I also share your thoughts and consideration for your wife's feelings, as I have said in other threads that this is my deal and not something she knew about (heck, when we got married, I did not know it was going to resurface again after being non-existent for more than 10 years) or signed on for.
I would just say you should do like the military, etc. and have a "Plan B" and probably a "Plan C". Good luck.
I am what I am and also what I am not!
It sure is a big boat!
Very similar for me, where me my long absence from this forum also coincided with my lack of desire, and my dating beginning. I really felt like that was it, and I had grown out of it.
Charlotte, I can see from your above posts that you are still in the "guilt and shame" phase of your crossdressing journey, and have drank the Kool-Aid that posits that what we do is so "out there" and unacceptable that it bears not mentioning. Not only that, it must be kept a deep, dark secret so as not to impact the delicate sensibilities of others who might be freaked out by our proclivities. Kind of like the concept of "The love that dares not speak its name" as was once applied to homosexuality, although we now have full acceptance of that by society to the point where gay marriage is not only legal and accepted in many circles, it is even celebrated in some cases. But you are still young, grasshopper, and no doubt time and experience will temper your views in that regard. It certainly did for me.
DADT is a funny beast. I, too, once engaged in the same self-flagellation wherein I was wracked by the guilt and shame over what I had "imposed" upon my wife by bringing it into the marriage unbeknownst to her. In our case, she accidentally stumbled upon my crossdressing shortly after our first child was born when she came down to our recreation room long after she had supposedly gone to bed and found me trying on a newly-purchased pair of stilettos. She promptly fainted on the spot and...well, that set the tone...it was downhill from there on in, and we moved solidly into DADT territory afterwards. So yes, guilt and shame squared...especially over the fainting part. Talk about a visceral over-reaction...
But here's the thing...I have come to believe over the decades that DADT is also a control mechanism that is imposed upon us by our wives and SO's. A form of emotional blackmail, if you will, to get us to toe the line and have us bend to their will. If it wasn't for the crossdressing, it would likely have been something else for these types of women. But crossdressing is particularly powerful tool in that regard since it is so uncommon and bizarre in some peoples' mind.
Some women are free spirits, open-minded and non-judgemental, can adapt to a crossdressing partner with a bemused "whatever floats your boat" attitude, and life continues on uninterrupted. Others are insecure, controlling, and anal-retentive by their very natures (personality/up-bringing/childhood trauma or some combination thereof?) and need to control every aspect of their lives as well as that of everyone else around them. My wife - all of her other fine qualities notwithstanding - falls into that category. I have finally come to the conclusion that our DADT situation is less about my crossdressing per se, but more about the fact that this is something that my wife cannot exercise any appreciable control over, and that gives her much anxiety. You know..."What if someone finds out?", "What if the kids unexpectedly come across your stash?", "What if the neighbours see you dressed as a woman when you leave the house?", "What if you meet someone we know while you are out in public as "Leslie"?" "Oh, the shame and horror!!! I could never show my face in public again!!!"
Would life be easier if I were not a crossdresser and hadn't brought this into our lives? Of course, but it is what it is. But as for the guilt and the shame...no, that is long since gone for me.
Somewhere along the line, society has brainwashed us into believing that crossdressing is some sort of evil perversion that must only be mentioned in hushed tones, if at all. Well, maybe not so much now, but certainly in the 1950's when my wife and I were growing up. That was the prevailing attitude back then, and it certainly helped shape our world view at the time. But here's the thing...maybe our wives or SO's didn't sign up to become involved with a crossdresser, but what about the wives and SO's who entered into a relationship or else married a "normal" man, only to find out belatedly that he was an alcoholic, an incurable gambler, had massive debts, had a porn addiction, had previously been married but didn't disclose that to her, had an illegitimate child out there somewhere, had a prison record, or even worse...was a pedophile. Did that make those wives' or SO's lives any less problematical as opposed to getting involved with a crossdresser? Do we deserve a special place in H*ll compared to some of those other "complicated" individuals they became entwined with simply because we like to wear women's clothing?
Here's another spin on this issue...Earlier this month, I started a thread sharing with the ladies on this forum that my wife had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and was facing a mastectomy, and that I was looking for relationship advice on how to cope with this. My purpose in reaching out to others here was to see if anyone else had faced a similar situation in the past, and more particularly...to get their input to see if having a wife lose a breast had made their DADT situations become even more challenging in the long run because of the added layer of the wife now having additional self-image issues to deal with. I also made it clear in that post that I planned to be 100% supportive of my wife to help us get through this together and ensure that she would not feel any less of a woman in my eyes - or less attractive to me - because she had lost one of her primary female "markers". In other words...the old "for better or for worse" part of our marriage vows.
To be blunt about this...I did not sign up for such an unforeseen thing to happen to us either all those years ago when we first got married...just as my wife did not sign up for being married to a crossdresser. I see a certain equivalency here, and if I can make peace with the particular situation we now find ourselves in, it seems to me that I have a right to expect my wife to accept my crossdressing with the same level of generosity. She "paid it forward" all those years ago, and she should now be able to see that it was a worthwhile investment in our relationship given how things have come full circle now.
Wow. The above post is so tactful (comparing the life accident that is breast cancer with the deliberate lying of a husband about his dressing, or confessing that you shared your wife's predicament with us just to get advice on the REAL predicament, the DADT), so full of love for the other sex that I don't know where to begin. Oh wait, maybe I'll - stop - there.
Yes, please do stop there, Diane.
Your ability to twist my words around is breathtaking. Rather than throwing out some choice bons mots here and criticising my lived experiences and how I've managed them, maybe consider walking in my shoes (heels?) instead. Not everyone lives your particular reality, and if what you and your wife do works for the two of you, then more power to you but don't judge everyone else by your own criteria.
I stand by what I said. DADT is a very complicated issue, everyone's situation is different, each person and their partner has their own perspective on it, and individual personalities come into play here as well. Besides which, my comments/advice were directed at Charlotte, not you, so why are you trying to hijack this thread and move it in a different direction?
I get it, Leslie. Since being transgender, or having these strong urges to crossdress, is not a choice and is, at the least, a psychological condition, and more likely a medical condition, you seem only to be asking for the same level of empathy and understanding that you lovingly give your wife. I recently had an interesting discussion with my “semi-DADT” wife about my gender dysphoria when we had occasion to discuss whether it was a “medical condition,” and fell within the “in sickness and in health” vow we had taken at the alter more than 40 years ago. (She agreed it did.)
I did not know that I had this “condition” when I got married (naively thought my urge to wear girls clothes would go away when I got married and had more sex.) So, I think it is a fair, if unfortunate, analogy that we (hopefully) love and support our partners in spite of their going through illness, cancer, depression, Covid, or whatever. It is not unreasonable to want to be loved and accepted. Nancy
Last edited by NancyJ; 01-26-2021 at 09:45 PM.
Well, I can only tell you what happened today.
My wife works out of the house 2 days a week. Today on her way out this morning I was in the shower shaving everything that needs to be shaved. I got out and started my process. It takes about 1 hour because I go all out including painted nails.
She called me to say she forgot her phone at home. I told her that I would bring it to her BUT I am in full glory. Do you want me to go out dressed? Absolutely not..... Do you want to come home and get it??? No...
Why are you dressed, she asked? Because we spoke of my Hobby and you know that on occasion I dress. Today is the day. DADT is a pain in the butt. If she knows you dress and does not want to see it, she should know that you do dress once in a while. Do you feel lucky?....
I think this thread has gone beyond the original OP question.
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