So I hope that this will be the first of many posts. I am brand-new here and stumbled upon the site by searching for transgender chat forums. I am transgender male to female and have been living full-time for a month now.

I've been seeing a lot of posts about what it truly costs to transition; to accept one's true identity. I'm not just talking about the financial costs but the costs about family, jobs, church, friends, and kids. Everything did change for me when I finally accepted myself. This transition has not been easy. Let me start by saying from the outside looking in everything was looking great for me. I had a loving beautiful wife of 23 years. I had four kids; one 18 and three 16 year old triplets. I had a great career that paid very well. I had a huge house and went on some awesome vacations. I was close to my parents and my brother and had many friends. From the outside I should of been very happy. I had everything that a man could ever want, but I was miserable. When I was alone I would cry. I was so depressed. I tried killing myself twice. I was too ashamed to even look in the mirror because I did not like what I saw. I was living a lie. I knew I was supposed to be a woman, but did not want to give up everything I had and everyone I loved. I kept faking it day after day.

I started seeing a new therapist two years ago. For several months I discussed my dysphoria with my therapist. I kept telling her how much I want to transition but it would cost me so much. Almost everyone knew that I was a cross-dresser and would only dress in private. They were okay with that; out of sight out of mind. My parents admitted that they were uncomfortable about cross-dressing, my brother could not stand anyone that was LGBT, and my coworkers made fun of cross-dresser/ transgender passengers. At the time my kids seem very accepting of breaking gender norms, but my wife couldn't stand my cross-dressing. If people had difficulty accepting my cross-dressing how could they accept the real me? I told my therapist I would lose everything if everyone found out I was transgender. I was barely hanging onto my relationships. One day when I came in she pulled out her cell phone and read, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"-- Anais Nin. I immediately burst into tears. I knew that I've been living very tight in that bud and that was causing me so much pain. I knew I had to blossom. I couldn't lie to my friends or my family anymore, but most importantly I realized I had to stop lying to myself. I hit my breaking point; I will no longer be living a lie. I was coming out.

I was told to be optimistic about coming out. I've always had a worst-case scenario mindset. My therapist told me I should give people a chance to know the real me. I wish I could tell you all that everyone accepted me and everything is just perfect. I'm sad to say, it did cost me a lot. After coming out to my parents, they refused to talk to me for over two months. I haven't spoken to my brother in the last several months. My kids that seemed so accepting and open-minded (my oldest daughter is a lesbian and my youngest son is bisexual) rejected me. In fact they told me I ruined their lives and I had to put myself in the hospital to keep from killing myself. My wife of 23 years left me. I lost my house. I lost my vacations. I took a huge financial hit with paying child support. After the dust settled I asked myself, "So was it worth it?".

"Yes."

It took a while, over a year, for to me get back on my feet mentally. My parents who said they will only call me Jason, have been working really hard at calling me Lisa Marie. They have fully accepted me now and recently I overheard my dad refer to me as his daughter. My kids are starting to come around and I think that one day they will fully accept me. While I am no longer married I have a great relationship with my ex. Turns out she couldn't accept me as transgender as her husband but now that we are friends she is one my staunchest allies and supporters. I have met an amazing woman that fully loves and accepts all of me and has been a great companion throughout my journey so far. I never thought in a million years that a female at birth would love me for me. My brother has permanently written me out of his life, but I realized it is his fault. He is the one that chose to walk away and I hold no responsibility for him doing so. It hurts because we were really close, but he is the one with the issue not me. Does kinda suck though going from a 3000 square-foot house to a 900 square-foot apartment but I'm grateful to have a roof over my head.

Now I have been living full-time for a month. I came out to my human resources department last October and informed them I am planning on transitioning from a male to a female. I was nervous and unsure how well this will go. Human resources told me I would have their full support and have been outstanding. Not only did my focus supervisor give me her full support, the CEO reached out to me personally and told me to let him know if anyone was giving me problems. Unfortunately, I am a city transit bus driver and get flak every day from the passengers about being transgender. I hate to admit it hurts having a bus full people laughing and call me gay slurs, but when I ask myself, "Was transitioning worth it?"

"Yes."

I've discovered that despite all I've lost, I still firmly believe it was worth it; I've also gained a lot. Not only did most of my pre-transition friends stayed I've met many new ones. I have never been happier with myself. I am no longer dysphoric; for the most part. While it did cost me my marriage and damage my relationship with my parents, kids and my brother, I still know I did the right thing.

I can finally look in the mirror without shame, which is something that I've never been able to do in my entire life. For me it was worth the cost. For those that are considering transitioning don't only focus on what it will cost you, but also consider that you may finally be at ease with yourself (I know everyone's struggles are different). For me, not living a lie is extremely peaceful.

Lisa Marie