Should I tell him ?

[Teresa]

I'm faced with a dilemma with a good dog walking friend , he first knew me in male mode when I moved to my new home three years ago and walked with him most days before my dog died . Despite being full time otherwise I still did male mode to walk the dog but decided I had to finally drop doing it just under two years ago , he was OK with it and so were the other dog walkers .

The problem that's arisen is some new dog walkers I meet with him only now know me as Teresa . Today during a conversation my friend still used " He and him " when talking about me . I know he doesn't do it intentionally but the lady we spoke to today looked slightly confused , so how do I approach the subject without losing him as a friend ?

I no longer talk about " My wife " anymore but I still talk about my children which is possibly OK . I do realise I'm making the assumption here that I pass well enough as a woman . I know part of this problem is because my friend knows me as a man and a woman , the problem is he hasn't realised other people haven't .

My other option might be to wait until I meet the lady alone and try and correct his error , the problem with that of course if she has accepted me as a woman she would think it a strange conversation to have . If I take this option it will also mean I would have to have the same conversation with everyone .

I guess I'll have to bite the bullet and approach the subject as tactfully as I can with my friend , or should I tell him at all and let it ride ?

[Julie MA]

Teresa,
For me, you have always been one of the best, kind, and smart sources on this forum. So I'm humbled you are seeking our help.

With your forgetful male friend you could just politely correct him next time, with a smiling dose of "dear" attached. Can't imagine losing a friendship with that approach.

As for the woman, perhaps she wasn't confused, just sympathetic that your friend was getting your pronouns wrong. Perhaps when you see them both, or her by herself, you could mention you knew each other in a "past life". Again, with a kind smile, acknowledging that these changes, and situations are novel for many today. Including ourselves.

And I imagine the word will spread and you won't have to discuss with each and every walker, and dog.

Julie

[docrobbysherry]

I think you're over thinking this, Teresa!

[Robertacd]

Tell him to use your preferred pronouns. I get it old friends are the worst. I have an old friend that keeps misgendering me and using my dead name. He kept apologizing (and complaining how hard it is after 30 years) but didn't really seem to try until I talked to his girlfriend about it, and quit answering to my dead name or male pronouns.

[Leslie Mary S]

I think you have it under control. Do Not reply to the old name, or say he is no longer with you. The problem with gender misuse might get him a throat clearing sound and a strong look in the eyes. After a few of these it will burn the correction incident into his mind.

[AllieSF]

Agreed, tell him your preferred pronouns and tell him that you may be politely reminding him when he slips up. Let the other lady find out as she might. If she wants to talk to you, that is her choice. As Sherry said, do not overthink a minor item like this. I do it all the time to friends and sometimes strangers.

[Teresa]

Sherry ,
No not if you need or want to leave the man behind .

Leslie,
I didn't respond to him using " he and him " when he said it in front of the lady .

Allie,
It is a good point to wait and see if the lady makes a comment if I meet her without my friend , I know I can't assume she didn't notice just because she doesn't say anything .

I guess all I can do is ask him to try and use my name if he struggles to find the right pronoun , the lady concerned told me her name the first time we met and she knows me as Terri .

[Jodie_Lynn]

This is an issue for you?

Do you identify & present as a woman or a man?

Pull him to the side one day, and just TELL him that "I am Teresa, my pronouns are her and she." And if he persists in misgendering you, kick him in the shins!

[Jean 103]

Ok your first mistake was doing guy mode at all at your new place. Water under the bridge, but still it is important that you see this fact. Stop making excuses.

Most well never understand, you have changed teams is the simplest way to put it.

And read my lips, forget about passing, wipe it from your brain.

If you ever have to explain yourself, simply tell the person your are transgender. They can Google it, you don't need to educate the world. They don't need your life history , your not dating.

Don't worry about the lady. Just be yourself and things will be fine.

The guy is another story. I totally understand the situation. You may have to have a few words with him. You will want to do it out of ear shot of anyone else.

It is very simple and keep it that way. Now I would never use these words with a woman, I think it is insulting to them.

Tell him that you now live as a woman and would appreciate if he would address you as such. You can lead with you are transgender if you like. Short simple without chastising him for his actions. He probably doesn't know what he is doing is wrong and he's doing it out of what he knows.

Be up beat and pleasant at all times.

Best of luck .

Love Jean


You can avoid this in the future by no more guy mode.

Be yourself the women will adjust you won't have a problem.

I can't remember ever having to explain myself to a woman. Not recently anyways.

[Robertacd]

I guess all I can do is ask him to try and use my name if he struggles to find the right pronoun

Don't ask him, tell him to use your proper name and pronouns.

Your "friend" is the one that needs to apologize, not you.

[ReineD]

Echo everything that Jean 103 said. Everything.

If you've lived the first 70'ish years of your life as a man, then the people you meet now know that you are not a GG. You can simply correct them good-naturedly and keep it simple. It doesn't matter whether the new GG dog-walker is there or not.

[Stephanie47]

Tell your friend that using male pronouns is confusing to others who only know you as a woman. If the woman you encountered brings the subject up, then enlighten her.

[Shelly Preston]

I think you have to tell him.

If you don't he will just continue to use he /him making it even more difficult.

At worst he can use Terri all the time.

You have to make him understand your old pronouns have gone.

[Teresa]

Update for today :-

I brought the subject up this morning by saying we might be confusing the lady by what she sees and what he calls me , it might be better just to say my name . He thought about it for a few minutes then we talked about another subject , I know it will take time .

Jean,
I do agree I made the mistake by doing the first year of walking my dog in male mode which was also what my TS friend told me . She also told some people just don't get it even she has a friend who still calls her by her old male name , it's not deliberate but just an old habit they struggle to lose . You know my on thoughts of passing , the lady accepts me for what she sees , we met ther again today , we chatted very comfortably for a few minutes .

Jodie ,
I won't be kicking anyone in the shins , this guy was the first I made friends with and was happy to accpet me in male mode and my transformation along with his wife although she only knows me as Teresa and that's how I prefer it .

Roberta,
I don't expect him to apologise it's up to me to remind him tactfully when he slips up , which I will now do , it would be different if I knew he was deliberately doing it .

Reine,
When you meet someone new it's hard to know how they do see you . Another lady in my dog walking group said out of the blue , " Your'e lucky , you pass very well " she also knew me in male mode when I first moved into my new home , I have to admit her comment was very unexpected , so I may have been chewed over by other ladies in the group .

[GretchenM]

Be gentle, kind and understanding. It is a difficult change to make for some that know you both ways. But emphasizing that you're are now Teresa and intend to stay Teresa helps their brain to more actively reprogram the memory of who you are now and largely replace the memory of who you were in the past. It is really up to them to adapt to the new you. But you can also be forgiving and kind when they slip up. Each error should be addressed in private and some gentle feminine touches to his arm or hand or other feminine "touches" in consideration of social distancing will help with the shifting of the association. To revise a memory that is deeply set it often requires more than a single channel of input. By associating the correction with other sensory stimuli the brain can change the neurons more easily so you become Teresa in their mind.

[Angela1954]

This is hard for most people. Your friend seems like a decent, honorable person. I just think you have to go with the flow. Remind him gently, and as someone else said, and privately. He may slip up from time to time but a reminder with a smile will put him at ease. His acceptance of you as Teresa is what is important, not the few times he inadvertently slips up.

[Beverley Sims]

I feel like I would keep it to myself until the penny dropped, shooting him between the eyes then may be the best move.

Presenting as a woman you always need practice to combat the colly wobbles when they are there.

Say nothing until you have to. The surprise may more than likewise be pleasant.

[Teresa]

Bev,
That's the point I don't have any reservations ( colly-wobbles ) in myself , that usually means other people are OK in accepting me , it's only when a slip up occurs that a problem arises .

It's possibly similar to you being out with your wife and start to refer to her as " he and him " to other people , it would raise a few odd looks and that's how it feels for me now .

[CynthiaD]

If it were me, I’d tell him that I’d recently come to the point in my transition where I really want to be referred to as she and her. I d explain that I know it’s hard to make the switch, but I’d really appreciate it if he could try. I’d also tell him that I value his friendship, and that I feel much happier as a woman than I ever was as a man. Just my two-cents. Good luck, and much happiness.

Cindi

[Helen_Highwater]

Teresa,

"approach the subject as tactfully as I can with my friend " seems the right thing to do. As others have said for us within our community we're more aware of these things and it seems the young are to but for those of a more mature age it's not something that ever appeared on their radar.

So a "Look I hope you don't mind me saying this but..." and gently explain that he unwittingly caused a bit of confusion as you could see the puzzled look on what's her name's face. Old dogs can learn and with an understanding of these things often follows greater acceptance and perhaps an inclination to pass such knowledge on to others.

[Lisa516]

Teresa,

Have you reached a final decision on how you're going to handle this ? Just curious that's all.

[Teresa]

Lisa,
I haven't mentioned it again to him but I've decided not to meet up with him everyday but still walk the same route , if I bump into him that's fine , I felt he may need some time to consider what I said .

[Rogina B]

Most people have no problem with gender as they give it no thought. No reason to. I highly doubt he is thinking much about yours. I would love to be wrong !

[Teresa]

Rogina,
I know he discusses my situation with his wife , they are in an odd situation as he knows me in both modes and his wife only knows me as Teresa . She wants to see me in male mode but I've refused . He made me smile on one occasion because he said his wife wants to know what I do with my " Bits " .

The bottom line in all this is they have never met a transgendered person before , so they really don't know how to deal with it , on that basis I would think he does does give my gender issue some thought , " He becoming She " takes time to adjust to . For all that I'm grateful to know both him and his wife as friends .

[Rogina B]

You realize that you are at the "tolerance" stage of your friendship. Not further than that.