Sometimes it just make me wonder

[Maria 60]

With the shorting hours at work and knowing that nobody is going to knock on my door because of the covid lock down I've been dressing alittle more then usual. It's now a more relaxing dressing, more casual and doing my chores dressed.
Since the day I told my wife about the dressing surprisenly she was ok with it, we drew a line in the sand and sometimes I try to cross it and sometimes she has to pull me back but all around its wasn't the easiest road but we're still driving on it.
I always felt that she wasn't all happy with this part of my life but does enjoy the aspect of having a husband as a friend to share things and have more in common and if you read my past post she's very supportive as long as we are both willing to bend and keep it in control.
These last few weeks I've noticed something about her different behaviour when I'm dressed or just some things in general. A few nights ever week I may sleep wearing a full slip and pantyhose, when I sleep in male mode she puts her arm around me and maybe put her legs over mine in a more cuddle position. I noticed that when I'm dressed she doesn't touch me at all, her arms folded to her chest and there's a almost small space between with no contact at all. I sometimes sit next to her watching TV or reading and again in male mode more touchy and when I'm dressed she almost goes out of her way to make sure none of her body was touching mine.
Since her car accident a few years back I took over most of the household chores, she's feeling better lately and doing more, the other day she did the laundry. She put her clothes and my male clothes in one basket and even though there was room in the basket for my fem clothes she put them in a different basket, almost like she didn't want my fem stuff touching hers.
Maybe I never picked up on this before because I never really had all this time to dress and now I'm wondering maybe she's not as cool about it as I think and not being honest how she really feels. If she's more honest I could easily pull away alittle I don't need her attention when dressed but didn't think she would act different when I'm dressed. This morning we were having coffee and talking, we do have a strong communication relationship and I was thinking of just asking her what I've noticed in the last while. I then had a flash back of when I was younger and my parents would have an argument and my dad would pull back. I remember asking my dad why he make my mom win that argument and not fight harder to make his point. My dad would answer me that sometimes we have to pick our war, don't go to war for nothing and make sure it's worth it. You know what I think he's right, I decided to leave it alone and hopefully have a great Sunday together instead of going to war for nothing. I just wonder her true feelings, her actions lately are like my fem side makes her sick and she doesn't even want to touch me almost like its poison. I thought I would share this to vent alittle and maybe hear what others here might make out of it. Thanks it's great to have a place like this to vent and maybe not start a war instead. Lol

[Valerie Louise]

I think I'm in the same boat, and agree that letting her decide when its best to talk about this may be best. I'm doing my best to keep open lines of comm, offering to discuss my activity at anytime. I think I've learned what many have ... a woman mulls over things longer than a man does, so we have to give them time. You and I must remember how lucky we are that our wives accept this at all ... some of our sisters get thrown out.

[char GG]

I have heard of similar situations with other wives. They really don't mind if their SO's CD, but they aren't personally attracted to the fem form.

Maybe you are overthinking it by saying these words:

"my fem side makes her sick and she doesn't even want to touch me almost like its poison"

. Maybe she prefers to cuddle with the male form. From your previous posts, it sounds like your wife has encouraged you to CD in the past. So your reaction might be a little bit strong.

I understand that you want to "pick your battles". However, the only way for you to know HER feelings is to talk to her about it.

[Angela Marie]

My wife has no issue with me dressing. I told her on our second date. The first time I had a makeover in Las Vegas she was clearly shocked at how good I looked. We went out to dinner together but that was a bit too much for her. So we don't go out together and I know she would draw the line on going to bed dressed. Those are my, if you want to call them, limitations. As some have pointed out we are lucky to have wives who understand. I don't push the issue about going further and we are both content with the situation as it exists now.

[Micki_Finn]

Calm down. Your wife just isn’t gay. You can either spend your life second guess your wife, or you can trust her.

[Karren H]

Your screwed! She is about to do a 180 on you and probably burn all your fem clothes! Ok... maybe not a 180.... maybe a 90..... tread lightly!

[Beverley Sims]

Tread lightly, observe the signs such as when she is attracted to you and the adverse condition she has for you when dressed.

Sort it out, it 'aint rocket science. :-)

[DianeT]

I don't see why you couldn't ask her about this, and I certainly wouldn't call it going to war. But if that is how you feel it (like Char mentioned, you used very strong terms that probably overshoot reality a bit), maybe you should make sure you cool down before bringing it up. I would think like Micki, your wife is simply not gay. But if you resent the fact that she is not so physically close to you when you are dressed, you should talk about it and not let it fester. My wife is tolerant to a degree but doesn't want to have anything to do with my dressing. After a session, when I come back to her, I know I must not try to cuddle her or be physically close because she's very uneasy. We didn't talk about it, I just see how she is (uncomfortable) and act consequently. Your wife is more accepting than mine but may be uneasy as well with the dressing, or maybe she's sometimes cool with it, and sometimes less. She gives you a hell of a slack, if she needs these little fences once in a while to cope with your dressing, you can probably accept it. But you should talk at some point, to make sure there isn't a situation developing there.

[Dutchess]

I also agree that your wife just isn't gay .
This is common that sometimes we need a break . Sometimes just for a bit sometimes for good and all in between . It can be the dressing or the time spent doing it or even the behavior if its different from your usual self
Many times I felt I was in character in a play that never ends and i just needed to be me again . We arent there of course so we can't know if you maybe pushed things a bit far for her. Too far can be a really fine line.
Sometimes we give it all we've got til there's no more give left .

[Geena75]

If I have this right, you have been dressing up more lately and are getting the sense of disapproval from the wife. You are reluctant to bring on the discussion for fear it will go very negative. One option would be to try dressing up less and observe her relative reaction.

[MonicaPVD]

Proceed with caution. Imagine that you married your wife not knowing that she always dreamed of riding and owning a motorcycle. One day she confesses and, even though you think it's dangerous and somewhat nuts, you are OK with her getting a motorcycle, and all the related gear. Only, one day she decides that she is going to start wearing her leather jacket in the house, when relaxing with you, even when going to the bathroom. Then one day you get home and she's wearing her helmet in the house. All the time. You love her. She loves you. Her wearing a jacket and helmet in the house hurts no one and, arguably, you should have no problem with it. Good luck with that.

[Crissy 107]

Nothing stays the same, good or bad, a good guess is that it is related to you dressing more. Lighten up some and see if there is much difference. Eventually you may have to bring it up just to clear the air some. Good luck

[Aka_Donna]

Not all comms are verbal. It sounds like two nights a week is too much for her at this time. Our unverbal arrangement is simple. Rarely dress during daylight hours, then after dinner some nights a week. It's not fixed and varies according to both of our modes. I've noticed when her stress goes up from other junk in life, then accommendations are lower. Sometimes it seems like a teeter totter, but it works and for us it's less stressful to have set rules.

You could run a test. Be more a man for a bit and see if it changes. FYI, about 12 months ago, she couldn't stand seeing feminine clothes on my side of closet. Now it's a non-factor. All life is fluid until it ends. There is still much hope!

[Stephanie47]

When we had "The Talk" my wife told me "If I wanted to be married to a woman I would have married a woman!" Thus, we entered a Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage (circa 1983. She does nothing to encourage me, nor discourage me. If you're married long enough it's not too difficult to figure out boundaries.

Maria, it sounds as if you're wife really does not want to see it is the marital bed. I do remember a while ago you mentioned your wife asked why you don't sleep in a full slip. Perhaps, she was seeing if you would. Or perhaps, she thought she'd try it, but, it has fallen flat on its face. Many guys are really dense and cannot figure it out that many women want cuddling, hand holding, compliments, etc and not just a roll in the hay. If she drapes herself over you when in male mode, and, sets up a no man's land when wearing a slip and hosiery, it really does not take much to understand the non-verbal communication.

[GretchenM]

Maria, I think there are a lot of possibilities and it is probably presumptuous to think it is this when in fact that has nothing to do with it. Re-read what Char said. A lot of wisdom in there and, most important, it is from a pure woman with a different perspective on our behavior than most women have. Think hard about the ramifications of Char's words. Eventually you two will need to communicate about it and that needs to be done very gently and without any agenda in mind.

I'm sorry, but I think the "she is not gay" explanation is pretty much baloney. I suspect she wants to be close to you, but the question becomes what constitutes "You" in her mind? I suspect sex has little to do with it and perhaps nothing to do with it. It is all kinds of subtle things. And the fact that she will cuddle with you in bed when you have on some female undergarments tells me it is probably not the clothes that is the difficulty.

It may be the whole package that is a problem. Does she have a problem with hugging or touching her female friends? Probably not. Perhaps that is a clue to what concerns her. She knows it is you in those clothes and she loves you, but the expression of femaleness you present is a barrier for her in the living room environment while it is not in the bedroom. Perhaps to her it is a bit of a rejection of who she is, perhaps all kinds of deep, deep things.

Your wife is a complex creature, just like you. As Char said, " However, the only way for you to know HER feelings is to talk to her about it." In time, the conversation will happen, but it may not happen until she wants it to happen. And that is OK. Clearly, something is making her uncomfortable. Don't assume. Learn and then act accordingly and compromise if necessary.

Stephanie 47 also put what I was saying in a very good way.

(Sorry, I misread about the cuddling in bed when you wearing something feminine. Doesn't really change anything)

[Star01]

As Char points out tolerance does not necessarily lead to total acceptance up to and including during intimacy. There are a whole bunch of us who would dress any way our wives wanted us to for one more roll in the hay. Women sometimes develop physical problems that end intimacy and that is my situation.

Anyone with a wife who?s partner is even partially accepting should count their blessings.

[Julie Martin]

Everyone has to work out their own boundaries. My wife (2nd marriage) found out after 10 years together, I was terrified. It wasn't easy, but after a few days, we had a very long talk, and she said she understood, and though she didn't want to "do my nails" for me, I didn't have to hide it. I am a very occasional CDer so that helps. It would be an easy mistake to take her understanding as a green light and go too far, too fast, which it seems that many do.

But, when she went away for a few days, I did my Julie thing, which she knew since I shaved..I usually have a beard. Despite what she said, and how she thought she felt about it, her reaction surprised both of us..she was very upset and distant for several days. That was enough for me. I am keeping to my once-a-year or so outings. Fortunately dressing is not important enough to me to risk my marriage. She married a man...and that's what she's getting. I'm good with that.

[Dutchess]

Gretchen I think the Shes Not Gay thing was more about not being attracted to the female form ( for me anyway ) .

I thought about this post today while I was out doing errands for some reason . Even though I commented before I was thinking about what Maria said about her wife draping herself when she is in man mode .
This would happen to me with my way out ex husband . I didn't know until 3 years in unlike Kat so I much more knew him and preferred his male presentation even though I tried to be supportive . I remember clearly having the same reaction , finally , after some years of trying to work it out, broken boundaries etc .. I was just done . but .... the moment he had on a t and some faded levis and his skater shoes , I was all OVER him . That male visual was like a magnet . I am also very straight . Very .

[ReineD]

I remember asking my dad why he make my mom win that argument and not fight harder to make his point. My dad would answer me that sometimes we have to pick our war, don't go to war for nothing and make sure it's worth it.

And this is precisely why your wife reacts the way she does. I think you're correct in surmising that the crossdressing is not her favorite thing about you - you said she doesn't hug you in bed when you're wearing femme things and she keeps your femme clothing separate when she does a load of laundry. These are good clues.

Your wife has likely done a cost/benefit analysis on your relationship, even if subconsciously, and it looks as though she has decided that the good of being with you outweighs the bad. So like your dad picking his battles, she has decided to be supportive of the crossdressing even though she prefers you in guy mode and she keeps her opinions to herself so that you can feel free to dress.

I'd say this is pretty normal for a crossdressing marriage. Most wives are not attracted to the femme side of their husbands. And the fact that she has decided to keep her opinions to herself is a testament to the quality of your marriage.

You also said,

... now I'm wondering maybe she's not as cool about it as I think and not being honest how she really feels

But she IS being honest. You said that you have a line in the sand and when you cross it, she pulls you back. She speaks up. It sounds as if she does know the line beyond which it is too much for her, and she lets you know when that happens. This does not mean that she is thrilled with the other things, just that again she has decided, like your dad, that the crossdressing is not a battle that she wishes to fight. She likely understands that it would be difficult for you if you couldn't dress at all. So she compromises.

Congratulations!

[Bea_]

I can totally relate to the feeling of my wife trying to accept but pulling away when faced with the reality of whatever item I might be wearing. It feels like rejection, since what I might be wearing represents a good part of who I am. I cannot help but think that real or perceived rejection wouldn't take a toll if left to itself. It's kinda like being told you're ugly but your other qualities make up for it.

Your wife may or may not be consciously aware of her reaction. I know I've had the feeling that my wife has "thrown up in her mouth a little" when certain aspects of my developing style has been revealed to her. As time goes on, she seems to adapt and accept those things as endearing parts of who I am rather than a outright flaws. Some of that has come about through conversation and some through mere exposure. Talking may help in your case and may not. It may be all the acceptance she'll ever be able to muster. I can only wish you the best.

[GretchenM]

Dutchess, I think you make a valid point about not being attracted to the female form. And, as usual Rheine, you add new perspective to the subject. It really is a complex dynamic and dependent on how one conceptualizes the linkage between sexual identity, sexual orientation, and gender identity. And there is also the matter of the practicalities of applying whatever relationship exists between those three concepts. This seems to have something to do with whether you view gender identity as being more binary than non-binary or if you favor a non-binary view of gender identity.

Clearly, sexual identity and sexual orientation have strong linkages, but even there a spectrum is found because gay and straight are relative terms in many ways. The existence of bisexuality provides a bit of the linkage between sexual identity and sexual orientation. But if gender identity is the collection of social behaviors that serve to define a person's chosen role in the social fabric the whole equation becomes really complicated and very dynamic. I suppose it depends on whether one thinks of gender identity as being something that you have just like your sex which is purely defined by genetics or, alternatively, you think of gender identity as more of a process that is constantly changing as we move from social environment to social environment. I prefer to think of gender identity as a process rather than a more or less fixed state of being as is clearly the case with sexual identity.

Sexual orientation does, in fact, create a bit of a linkage between sexual identity and gender identity. To me it doesn't solidify the relationship. Rather it makes things a bit more fluid and greatly increases the number of possible combinations that a person can find that fits their experiences well. It changes things from a fairly well defined binary (gender identity + sexual identity = more solid bonding) to a very fluid relationship between the three that turns the consistency into something more like maple syrup than crystalized maple syrup. The crystals can flow and change shape but it requires a lot more time to flow than the fluid syrup.

Conclusion is that I suspect it depends a lot on how you personally view the relationship between sexual identity, sexual orientation, and gender identity which all have somewhat fuzzy definitions. Therefore, I take back my assertion that "not being gay is baloney." It depends on the person. However, that still does not clarify why Maria's wife does not want to touch Maria when Marie is not showing a male-like gender identity and expression. It might just be a matter of how her wife fits the three big categories together in her mind. No clear solution appears. But it is nevertheless fluid and can change with positive experiences that upset the existing concept.