Possibly a stupid post this one sorry in advance!

If someone asks me my favourite colour I will answer I am not sure, probably settle on green or blue as I wear them the most. But actually I love pink.

What is my favourite outfit its joggers and a fleece. Home alone my choice would be very different.

Why do I shave my hear so short? Because is cheaper as my wife does it for me. However really I would love to grow my hair out.

Any question I am asked, before I actually answer it I think about the real answer in my head, but anything that might link me to cding I change it to a more manly answer. I have done this for about 20 years and affectively I think I have conditioned myself to not answer honestly, around that subject.

So really when I look at who I am, I am deceitful, secretive and generally not that honest. I dress and present myself as I feel I should based on what people expect to see. This is what I do so it must be who I am.

Some things I want to do is to learn python coding, run a marathon, have a fun job I love and volunteer for charity. However I don?t do anything to pursue any of these things, so they are not really apart of me, they are things I want to do. If I do nothing about it do I really want them? So on the same note is Maria really a part of me, or just something I want, or think I want.

I was brought up with honesty is the best policy yet a section on my life is completely hidden and locked away from the world.

Further to this the 2/3 days I work at home completely alone, 90% of the time I wear guy clothes. This is because I don?t want to close the curtains, get changed to answer the door, be distracted, waste time getting changed and I just don't seem to have the desire. The whole process is so secretive!

After all that I think I need to chat to my therapist again. I am beginning to think I only want what I cant have, once I can I don't want it.