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Thread: Companion to Charlotte?s would you lie thread :)

  1. #26
    Silver Member Amy Lynn3's Avatar
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    charGG: I agree with your statements of wanting to know all the details about crossdressing, if ask of your spouse. When my wife found my stash, she ask me who they belonged to ? I said they are mine. Of course more talking followed. I go out of my way now to be honest about everything, even if I come up on the small end of the bat. However, it helps ME to be honest, but I must say that some people tell me... you did not need to be so honest. I guess some people want to be lied to, but that is another topic and another day.

  2. #27
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    No, I didn't lie when my ex found out I had suddenly been trying on a few women's things. She was actually relieved that I hadn't been with another woman!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  3. #28
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    HiddenMe,
    At the age we married I never conidered the implications of CDing , I did think it was something that would pass at that age which I'm sure many others thought . The realisation that began to sink in some twenty years into my marriage that was the start of lying to myself , I looked at the male aspect of my life and considered the female side wasn't part of me , which I now know it was .

    It was a shame we finally began to be honest with each other when we decided to separate , it was like a breath of fresh air for both of us , so it possibly wasn't all to do with my gender issues . We sat and chose houses for each other , was were considering who had what pieces of furniture , our kids were on board at the start of this discussion .

    There is no single reason why people lie and some of it is as much to do with protecting others as it could be considered a selfish act to protect ourselves .

    I agree I'm happier now because now the dust has settled my wife is happier too , I did not walk away from my marraige , it was an amicable decision considering all interested parties .
    Last edited by Teresa; 03-11-2021 at 07:17 AM.

  4. #29
    Aspiring Member Territx's Avatar
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    Thank you all so much -- I appreciate the insight into my own "personality(ies)" in many of the comments. I did not try to make notes of the answers by generations but did wonder about it as I read each of the postings. I am a "Baby Boomer" -- I am pretty sure that most of that age did not grow up in an "accepting" household.

    I have posted elsewhere about the reasons for "keeping the secret/denying" but the stigma, risk of losing my family, and the fact that it is really no-one else's business really strike a cord with me. I fervently hope that the generations which follow will be more open to and accepting of this interest.
    I am what I am and also what I am not!

  5. #30
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dutchess View Post
    Its always better for the GG's to know up front . The whole thing <snip>
    But that begs the question, of how much crossdressing is required, for it to become mandatory confessing to it?
    A single Halloween party where he dressed up as a cute cheerleader, and liked it a bit too much, but never thought if it again?

    Trying on mom's heels when he was 9 to see what it was like to wear heels, having older sis saying he looked cute, so he would secretly sneak in and practice walking in them until he got good at it?

    Experimenting with make up and nail polish for a couple of years in high school with the goth crowd, and gradually adding clothing to his wardrobe which would sort of make him look like a girl, though he never had any thoughts of doing it to be seen by others as female?

    Where exactly is the point where it must be brought up?

    One episode? Two? Five? Ten? Months of being a guy who appears like a goth chick every day, even though other goths don't seem to think he's girlish at all? Or how about a loner, who doesn't hang out with the goths, who just likes dressing that way, and spends all of his time dressed that way just because he likes it? If he doesn't hang out with the goths, does that make him a crossdresser? Or a transsexual? And does he have to bring it up after he hasn't dressed like that for a dozen years, and doesn't think he ever will, ever again?

    We have to give our SO's some slack; take them for who they are, and realize that just because we've learned something new about who they were or have always been, we have loved them and enjoyed being loved by them for a long time, and it's been wonderful, and we shouldn't necessarily let one thing, destroy all the other things about them that we love.

    The 'OH MY GOD, HE'S A CROSSDRESSER, HOW TERRIBLE, HOW HORRIBLE, HOW EMBARRASSING THAT I'M STUCK WITH SUCH A SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAN!' feeling is ridiculous. After all, if WE are all of a sudden 'lesser' worth males because we are seen as feminine, I still wonder why women don't understand that they're insulting themselves at the same time, by considering our behaving, feeling, and emulating them, to be a judgement that since WE are now considered less worthy of their love and admiration, then their own lives are, by simple comparison, also must necessarily be considered of 'lesser' worth than men's lives as well. When is equality between the sexes, going to mean that men can be seen as just as good when WE are feminine, if women insist that they be considered as equal when they behave in masculine ways?
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  6. #31
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    I have lied over the years because it has been convenient, safest thing to do and not hurt or compromise anyone else at the time/
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  7. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post

    The 'OH MY GOD, HE'S A CROSSDRESSER, HOW TERRIBLE, HOW HORRIBLE, HOW EMBARRASSING THAT I'M STUCK WITH SUCH A SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAN!' feeling is ridiculous. After all, if WE are all of a sudden 'lesser' worth males because we are seen as feminine, I still wonder why women don't understand that they're insulting themselves at the same time, by considering our behaving, feeling, and emulating them, to be a judgement that since WE are now considered less worthy of their love and admiration, then their own lives are, by simple comparison, also must necessarily be considered of 'lesser' worth than men's lives as well. When is equality between the sexes, going to mean that men can be seen as just as good when WE are feminine, if women insist that they be considered as equal when they behave in masculine ways?
    You know, I read your post with interest. Would you believe me if I told you that this thought, that he is "less of a man" never once crossed my mind? The first time I saw this way of thinking was in this forum, mostly on posts by other male crossdressers. And my honest question is, do you think this is just plain projecting? I know some members posted their wives saying something of that nature but I wonder if this was this honest thinking and not just something they said to hurt the crossdresser in the same way they felt hurt themselves. But I believe that the vast majority of this statement is made inside the heads of the crossdressers. Out of pure curiousity, could this just be one of the demons a lot of you seem to be struggling with?

    The truth is that I just didn't want to be with a crossdresser. It wasn't a "less than" case, it was "not what I need in my life" case. Could it not be as simple as that?

  8. #33
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Cathreen, I confess it was a fear of mine indeed before coming out. From a very early age as a boy you are (or at least were in my time) being told that looking effeminate is the worst thing you can do as a male. If you don't want to enter a fight you are a "pussy", if you show some sensitivity you receive all shades of homophobic epithets, etc. I don't think this is breaking news to anyone. So this thing of being less than a male is very much ingrained in the male psyche. On the other hand, while I've seen female characters disparaging men this way in countless movies and series, I yet have to see this once in real life, so based on my limited personal experience I would tend to agree with you that this is mostly a projection from crossdressers. Steffi your mileage may vary and maybe you have examples to provide on your end. But I think that like some members you overlook the trust factor. If a wife says "Oh my God" it means that she probably wasn't told upfront. If she wasn't, then she was lied to (or "omitted" to, like many members would argue), and the broken trust is often the greater issue, not the dressing (my situation is an example of that). But when the going gets rough, it may be tempting for some to go around telling that their wife didn't like the dressing, about which the common wisdom will agree they couldn't do anything, instead of the lying, which they are fully accountable for.
    Last edited by DianeT; 03-16-2021 at 06:58 AM.

  9. #34
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    Hi Steffi ,
    I just saw that you quoted me on that . It should be all of it that you talked about there . Why not ?? I love goth guys and for me that would interest me even more , I would like to know that . Maybe you all are going for the wrong type ?? Sometimes I think some ( certainly NOT everyone ) of you purposely go with the wrong type in an effort to curb it IDK.

    I totally agree about the projecting here , I see alot of needless self hate here all over the forum and no one can stop that but you. I have NEVER thought anyone was less a man for Cding although you all actually do not behave or feel like us . No one can do that. I cannot FEEL like a man or like you. I don't know what it feels like to be anyone but me .

    My Kat was more man than I ever had in my life and he was out 24/7 . He thought he was less of a man too . I was proud of him as a person , it didn't matter what he had on, I could and did trust him, that seems to be a rare thing . I don't think I could do that again, not because of the dressing but of all the deception that appears to go on and I could not talk about gender all the time. I dont want to play dress up or be with anyone who cannot WAIT for me to leave the house so they can dress . If you can live a normal life and dress that's fine . Its not a masculinity percentage issue nor could I give a care about what anyone thinks about me either . Family , friends neighbors etc . I'm not that shallow .

    Edit : I am totally cool about those of you needing to stay in the closet so you don't lose your jobs or simply feel its no ones business outside the house .We lived on the west coast but it was too dangerous for me to take Kat home to my hometown in Tx he wanted to go but where I am from I rightfully feared for his/our safety . Nor could he ever be employed at even a fraction of what he once was doing anything like he had before .
    Last edited by Dutchess; 03-15-2021 at 07:53 PM.
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  10. #35
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    Cathreen,
    We struggle with so many demons !

    Men possibly have a harder time living with the thought " being less of a man " , we never see the statement of " being less of a woman !" It is hard to come to terms with that , from my personal experience much of this doesn't have a perspective until we find a balance , which in my case meant living fulltime . It doesn't matter if I'm less of a man the important thing is I'm more of a person , the true me . As I now live alone I still need traits of a man but they are overlaid with traits of a woman , I'm possibly a better person for that .

    Sometimes I feel that is what our wives/partners have a problem living with , they prevented us from being us , not a crossdresser but a TG person . My wife now knows she made that mistake , she may not have been able to live with a husband who wore women's clothes but when the reason why is revealed she misses the true person I am .

    Perhaps it is all to do with projection in our minds because some of us are searching to be at peace and find that balance , sadly we have to live through misleading and lying at times , I'm so glad that is over for me .
    Last edited by Teresa; 03-15-2021 at 07:50 PM.

  11. #36
    Member CharlotteCD's Avatar
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    DianeT made a good point, which is that the broken trust is worse than the dressing.

    It certainly is in my relationship, where I've broken the trust multiple times due to the secrecy of my binge eating episodes, and the dressing element.

    My wife actually said to me last night about how damaging my secret eating is because of the trust, not the eating disorder. It's the same with the dressing, although I think she didn't want to speak about that.

    She did at least say that normally women are suspicious of men or have trust broken because of affairs, but all least she is 100% sure that affairs have never been and will never be an issue. She knows me.

  12. #37
    prissy chic ellbee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    But that begs the question, of how much crossdressing is required, for it to become mandatory confessing to it?
    Can we explore this angle a bit more? Because it's certainly an important one, IMO.


    I say that, as during my decades of CD'ing, it has *not* been at a constant/consistent level. It has always varied in duration, degree & intensity.

    And I doubt I'm the only one like that.


    I've gone months & even years without CD'ing, for whatever reason(s). Sometimes all I needed was a pair of black opaque tights -- while other times I've had a huge entire wardrobe costing I don't know how many thousands of dollars. Sometimes it was just to pleasure myself physically -- while other times I was "living the TG life," seriously contemplating transition. All along that spectrum, really.

    And yep, also throughout all that? Nothing.


    Heck, there were even times where a romantic relationship with a GG was developing. Whoops, time to cut out the CD'ing! And that wasn't necessarily completely voluntary, either... I mean, increased attention is naturally being turned to her, instead. Besides, at the time? You don't want to screw up a good thing, ya know?

    Cool! Maybe I'm finally licking this thing, for good? That a GG, the right GG, was "the cure"?? Nope, WRONG! Because it always came back, amidst any given relationship. Ah well, back to the ol' drawing board...


    Also, what's good for someone at age 25, may not necessarily work for them at age 35. And 20 years from then? Who knows!

    Keep in mind, that doesn't mean that a CD'er is going to transition somewhere down the road. Odds are, they won't. In fact, their CD'ing may actually taper off to something very minimal & infrequent! So, that aspect of change isn't always necessarily a "bad" thing, in the eyes of an unapproving SO.



    Anyway, an observer here may not be able to tell, but plenty of CD'ers can & do struggle internally -- at least for a good chunk of their lives. Contrary to popular opinion, it's not always all rainbows & puppies & glittery pink things. Plenty of angst & confusion, as well as guilt & shame, for example. Many of the regular posters here? Seems that after a long & bloody battle, they've simply come to accept that this is who they are, and that fact is never going away. Others out there? Not quite there just yet -- if ever.

    But trust me, it's definitely some psychological torment & torture. Do you know how many times I've purged & "quit," costing me Lord knows how much time, money & effort? Hint: I didn't exactly do that for fun, ya know?


    Finally? Plenty of us, perhaps at least at one time or another, probably (erroneously) viewed this as some sort of personal weakness. Strong "manly men" simply don't do this, right? And you know what? Oftentimes a man doesn't want to appear weak & unsure of himself, in front of others. You know, kinda like how a cat will hide when it's sick... Natural instinct for self-preservation, is all.

  13. #38
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    Ellbee,
    The fear is we might be considered " weak men " , I'm not sure if I like the analogy of , " It takes balls to do what you do !" but we know the meaning . People have said you are brave or courageous even my wife .

    I did my bit as a man with no regrets now I've found the strength to do it as a TG female and I do believe it takes strength to continually do it until it becomes normal and natural , that is when you are truly being honest with yourself and everyone else and thankfully the lies are behind you and that applies to both husband and wife in that relationship .

  14. #39
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Late to this but I'll chime in.

    Re the reasons for lying or not disclosing: fear, shame, convenience, etc. This is understandable and all well and good. No one asks CDers to shout it from the rooftops and tell coworkers, friends, neighbors, extended family, even kids maybe. But a relationship with a wife is like none other. Wives deserve the truth.

    Over the years, I've read some CDers say that their wives have kept secrets from them, and so why should they disclose "private" things. I just want to say that I would not want to be in a relationship based on lies. I want my SO to know exactly who I am, and I expect the same.
    Reine

  15. #40
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    I have employed all the usual justifications for hiding and/or denying this part of myself. It seems that one of my many character flaws is being willing to lie as needed to preserve or at least maintain plausible deniability about my secret.

    It is also true that over time, I have found increasing stress and difficulty in maintaining the interlocking networking of lies I have told over the years. And as noted earlier, such dishonesty has resulted in irretrievably lost trust from the loved ones closest to me.

  16. #41
    Aspiring Member kellyanne's Avatar
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    I stayed single to avoid the issue, in university, my GF - a lady who self identified as extremely liberal - was in fact extremely conservative in gender role expectations.

    For good or ill, to her mind, she loses a great advantage of " special treatment" if gender roles are mixed.

    It was obvious crossdressing could not be part be a part of the relationship - that was my last GF 30 years ago.

    It seemed like nothing but trouble would result were I to be who I am in any relationship with a woman.


    I have enjoyed the company of many Ladies while dressed and with rare exception, all the Ladies I met in human relations services had no issue with it and many would bring me panties or other items of clothing.

    I knew I could only be who I am and I am a a transgendered man. Marriage or a long term relationship I did not see as viable options

    I reasoned early ,as a naturally happy go lucky person, that a predictable , happy contented life alone as a TG would be more probable than a stable happy marriage given my disposition .

  17. #42
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    Hi Di , Guilt probably has a lot to do with it, >Orchid**OO**
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  18. #43
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    I lied to my wife before we got married. But, it was a lie of omission, not commission.

    I thought (or maybe hoped) that this crossdressing was a fetish and I'd be cured once I got married and could have all the sex that I ever wanted. Year right! But in a sense, she lied also. She didn't tell me that I wasn't going to get all the sex that I ever wanted.

    Even Steven, right?

    Not quite. She's told me several times that had she know, she never would have married me. Had I known, I would still have married her.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

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