Finding acceptance

[Kirsty2907]

Hi all

Would be interested in hearing any stories of getting to accept your CD self...

All my life done the CD, purge, stop, desire, start cycle thing...

Any advice greatly appreciated

[Lori Ann Westlake]

I wonder how far "self-acceptance" depends on acceptance by others.

I had the same problem as others with self-acceptance early on, though fortunately I soon learned that "purging" was no use because this "thing" was going to stay with me regardless. But it seems to me that acceptance by my wife might have played a part in finding self-acceptance. It may or may not have been a coincidence that I started feeling more self-acceptance, and fuller exploration of my "feminine self," a short while after--maybe a year or so, I don't know--I'd been dressing in front of her occasionally, and she was OK with it; she thought it was fun.

Mind you, there is a catch to this. Unlike some people here that I'm reading about, I never did sit down and have what they call "The Talk" with her. It didn't start that way, and I probably wouldn't have dared to do it at the time. Instead, I kind of "eased into" the whole business. One evening I put on something of hers, probably her skirt, "just for fun," and she didn't mind. Another time I added something else. Actually it was fun. She had this pair of light blue pull-on pants with an elastic waist, and I asked her "How do you know which way round to wear these?" She told me "The label inside is always in the back." So I looked inside; there was the label; but would you believe, it said "Front"! She herself had been wearing them the wrong way round all this time! We had a colossal laugh over that. Anyway I can't remember how it all progressed, but I guess another time I tried on her bra, then a blouse, and finally became "Lori" rather than "Larry" in front of her. Luckily she herself was very accepting.

So of course this won't work for everybody, especially if they don't have an accepting wife or girlfriend. This kind of "experiment" may only meet with disapproval instead, even horror and rejection. In spite of that, I think that seeking out approval and understanding from others, whether from some friendly community or on a board like this one, plays a major part in learning to accept oneself.

[Valerie Louise]

Yup, I did that too. Not anymore.
I think the problem I had was the constant social din saying that wearing womens clothes as a man was not only wrong, but somehow an affront to society, and indicated my character was deeply flawed. In the drab world, at work, I was generally thought of as a good leader, and one that put honesty above all things ... quite a departure from the societal view of my crossdressing.
I was able to attend exactly one CD support group, and just meeting others like me, help validate that while I am different, I'm not bad, and crossdressing doesn't make me bad. At least for me, I purged because I thought I could shut the bad behavior down, and be good again.
If you are like me, you will come to learn that this is not going away in you. I wasn't able to purge it out. After countless cycles, I had a long talk with myself, and started applying logic to the situation:
1. Are you hurting anyone? No, as long as no one finds out about it in my family
2. Are you hurting yourself? Not that I could detect, although clearly it took time and money away from other things. But you know, other guys invest in fishing boats, hunting gear, weekly bar crawls ... in comparison, CD'ing is pretty cheap.
3. Is there a downside to getting dressed every now and again, and trying to more perfectly emulate a woman? Except for 1. above, not really. Again, in comparison to other extracurricular activities, its benign. You aren't getting drunk, or throwing money away gambling, or cheating on a spouse.
4. Is there an upside to being a CD? Well ... heck yeah! I see myself as one of a small minority that gets to explore the nuances of both genders. Its taken me years to realize that the resting position of most women's mouths is in a slight smile ... I have to constantly work on holding those mouth muscles just so, to get that look. There are thousands of details like that to learn and emulate, and when you get it right ... wow. All of this exploration is fulfilling and awakens you to the other side in a way a guy who is not a CD cannot fathom. Early on there is the sexual arousal, but as you progress you feel more complete when you let her out.
So, again, for me, it came down to, its all upside, as long as I did not hurt my family, or compromise myself some way that could hurt others (for this latter reason, I turned away from jobs that I had that required security clearances ... I did not want to lie about it in a polygraph and I did not want to be vulnerable to blackmail). This meant, stay in the closet to be sure I never let my family know, for a long time. Unfortunately, when I boiled that down, it meant that I was lying to my wife, by not telling her I did this. And this was the big gorilla in the room ... the lying.
This forum helped me a lot, when I wrestled with telling her. In my case, I did tell her, and it was rough for some time. She's not thrilled with it after several years, but she's beginning to understand it and is helping me. I think this is where a one size fits all answer doesn't work. You know you, and you know your wife. Making the decision to tell or not is a big one, covered in many, many other threads here. Just do not screw this up, because the repercussions can be unpleasant.
She asked me the other day, if I could turn it off, either as a child or now, would I? I told her absolutely not, not anymore ... I enjoy it, it makes me feel complete, its exciting and its a challenge. Am I lying because my kids and friends don't know? Yes, but I do it because I don't want to hurt them, and there is no need to tell them. Does that lying make me a bad person? Nope ... its my life, and exploring the facets of being a woman is my deal, no one else's.
I'm an engineer, not a therapist, so all I can tell you is what happened to me. I don't know if this helps you. But I'm pretty sure that the cycles you are going through are common to many of us. Sometimes the pink fog is so thick you feel like opaque tights are over your eyes and you need to get a bra on, RIGHT NOW. Sometimes the fog completely lifts and the motivation is gone - for me, when that happens I'm saddened that the thrill isn't there. But purging when it happens, telling yourself, "NOW I'm normal", is not rational. Its probably going to come back, and you never were serial killer abnormal anyway.
My advice to you is to love yourself ... make sure the woman in you has a name, and care for her like you do your male self. Do things for the woman in you, and feel lucky she is with you.
You are good, and what you are doing, is not wrong ... its right for you.

[Genifer Teal]

I think my acceptance came from others acceptance. I started going out, Halloween, a support group, them friends in the city. The city became a regular thing. There was no putting the cork back in the bottle. I knew if anyone was to be with me they had to accept all of me. This is who I am.

[udcd]

Like you, self acceptance in my case has been hard. I’ve got my wife’s support, and have a therapist to help me. But I still have plenty of inner turmoil regarding my CD. I’ve finally stopped purging, so that’s a step in the right direction. I’ve also come to realize that this is a major part of who I am, and it will not be something that goes away or that I can stop. Now I just have to be ok with myself to move forward. I wish you good luck in your journey. It’s bumpy, but with the right people, it’s worth traveling.

[Teri Ray]

I am not sure there is a correct answer to the question to "getting to accept your CD self." I believe its something that each person deals with in their own way. For me, I suffered bouts of self shame and guilt for a long time. The guilt, doubt and shame never became great enough for me to stop having this desire over the long run. I did find that the internet helped me to realize I was not alone with this desire and I believe that helped. Over the years I just came to accept that I was not going to ever rid myself of the desire and feelings to dress enfemme. Part of getting there for me was finally telling myself that my desire did not make me a bad person. Slowly the shame passed and the feeling of acceptance of my desires took over. I believe being a member of this site did help me get there.

Not a great solution, nor is it good advice but thats my story. Best wishes to find a path that will work for you.

[Teresa]

Kirtsy,
At times when everything is falling apart you have to start believe and accept yourself , maybe not so much as a CDer but as a TG otherwise you may stop functioning as a person .

On the surface you may think it's just some something you need to do on occasions but for some it's far more than that so pehaps it's not always a good idea to dismiss it as just a bit of harmless dressing .

Purging normally stems from guilt but you generally feel worse for doing it and that need surfaces again , at the end of the day you just have to come to terms with it and finally accept it .

[nvlady]

It was a gradual change, but I have come to accept the fact that this is something I was born with, it is not my fault since it is no different than being born with brown hair or brown eyes.
I could go out in the world with my hair dyed black and wearing blue contact lenses, but when I get home I know what my natural look is. Just like I go out in the world wearing dirty jeans after changing the oil in my car, but when I get home I want to clean up and put on some lipstick.

[docrobbysherry]

When I first arrived here those many years ago, I suffered from guilt and embarrassment from dressing for 10 years in total secret.

People here explained over and over how I wasn't hurting anyone and stifling who I really was! It took several years for me to accept and internalize that attitude.

But, I did! And, it changed my life completely! For the better!

[GretchenM]

Kirsty, the cycle you describe is so very common. I am sure you know that and that your history has largely been that way. I finally was able to accept myself as a result of several things. First, I realized that I had a right to be who I am and not let others decide how I should live in terms of my role in society. I realized that I could serve the typical male role as well as another more female-like role. And I found that I could mix them at the same time. All it took was to set aside the strict expectations society has for everyone based on their sex - more literally the kind of anatomy you have in your crotch which few ever see. Think about that. Something that is kept hidden is the basis for how you are supposed to behave. Last time I checked my brain was still in my head and it is my brain where thinking occurs and decisions as to who I am are made. In fact, sex has little or nothing to do with that. In short, I abandoned the gender binary - the idea that your gender is defined by your sex and therefore your sex determines your role in life. Bull!!!!

In time as this realization sank in I was able to set aside many of the rigid expectations society has for males and females and how we are supposed to ideally interact and go through life. Many of those expectations are really the same for both sexes, but some are viewed as naturally different for males and females and that everyone should comply with them. Men should not wear dresses - only women can wear dresses. Men are tough and should not wear lace or fabrics with flower patterns as it is confusing to other people an just "unmanly" (whatever that means).

In short you have to find ways to move beyond the rigid expectations and realize that gender (your sense of self, your identity) is marginally linked to your sex, at best, and in many ways has nothing to do with your sex. It is a big step and it took me a couple of years to reach that. Today I can be suitably male in many ways and suitably female in other ways and it really has nothing to do with what clothes I wear. It is all about behavior and how I treat others and react to how they treat me. So why the women's clothes at times? Because, just as my sense of self can be far more male-like than female-like it can also be more female-like than male-like. I still live in a binary society and so I use the traditions for those GENDERS not because of my sex but because of my identity and sense of who I am. Let's not forget that there are still a lot of people in this world who go around practically naked and they accept each other for who they are. Things are changing in our technological world and we are gaining the maturity of our nearly naked friends who make a living hunting and gathering, at least in the matter of gender identity. For us: "You are transgender? That must be horrible." For them: "You are transgender? Cool."

[Kirsty2907]

All

Really appreciate the thoughts, just wanted to say thanks and I am reading and re reading them all...

Thanks to all so far.
Especially
Lori Ann
Valerie
GretchenM
As your reply?s must have taken a bit of your time.

[Stephanie47]

I never went through the purging routine. I have ditched some dresses that I bought before I understood women's sizing as relates to my male structure; height and weight, etc. I am not a hoarder, but, perhaps not having many things when rowing up, I do not want to toss them because I associate them with part of my inner being. That being said, it took me a long time to overcome self loathing. I viewed cross dressing as unmanly. Something out of the norm. Disgusting.

I evolved. I reflected and still do on what I have done with my life. I have done all the things and more society expects of a man, husband and father. It's like the scales of justice. The tokens of accomplishments are on one side. That stack is tall and heavy. On the other is this one token; cross dressing. Now, it comes down to an issue of acceptance by others. I have to deal with their problem; my cross dressing. My logic may be a little twisted. I still have to weight what I may lose if I screamed from the rooftops "I am a cross dresser!!!" A counselor I have seen for the last ten years for war related issues told me I never put myself first. It's always my love ones. I suspect I do not want to viewed as "damaged goods" either with the PTSD issues or the issues cross dressing may arise. So, although I am at peace with myself I have to keep it to myself.

[MonicaPVD]

I have been a closet CD with friends and family for most of my adult life. However, my alter ego gets out as often as possible during business travel and in cities that are within reasonable driving distance yet far and large enough that I'm not going to run into acquaintances at every turn. It's a challenging existence but it's me.

[Alice Torn]

It is a constant thing to deal with , that is for sure. iam not married and have not had a SO, but i do NOT think you are truly LYING to your family. It would be lying IF THEY ASKED YOU IF YOU CD AND YOU SAID NO. Your are protecting them and you from a possible family break up. Some things do not need to be told, at least at this time. Maybe much later, to your wife, or after the kids are 18. I doubt if anyone tells their spouse every last thing they think or have done. I think we ALL have our secrets.

[DianeT]

Hi Kirsty, I never had any shame. I knew it was an odd thing to do, but never felt like it was wrong. Wrong by what standards? Not mine at any rate. Everyone else's? Possibly. Guilt? Maybe, because I hid it from my wife. But it came very late. Before it was more an angst to be discovered. I don't understand the guilt as a thing related to the dressing itself. What do you feel guilty of exactly? And what do you think is shameful in dressing? Has it got something to do with your education?

[CynthiaD]

I went through several "splurge and purge" cycles and then one day, as I was preparing to purge yet another time I said to myself "These are my clothes and I’m not going to throw them away." I’ve never purged since. I quickly went from being ashamed of my crossdressing to being proud of it. Now I’m pretty much 24/7. Not completely, because I still have to do many things in male mode, but I’ve limited these as much as possible.

[Karren H]

I have been crossdressing for 60 some years now and during my teenage years there was a lot of guilt. Until the 10th grade when I found a Look Magazine with an article about the Transvestites of New York City. I was not alone!!! Never really had guilt after that and really never had any big purges. Was not until my late 40s that I started expanding my dressing to include makeup and hair and jewelry. Making crossdressing so much fun! Still is to this day!

[Lucey]

A quote from one of my favorite classic books by George Orwell "1984"...

He gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark moustache.

O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast!

Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished.

He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Brother.

[jacques]

hello Kirsty,
I think my wife accepted my dressing well before I did.
May be my acceptance has come with age - I cannot think of a particular moment or incident. Perhaps the repeating thought "I am doing nothing wrong" was involved?
stay healthy!
luv J

[kellyanne]

You can find 80 year old ladies here that will advise the same thing -you can't change who you are and purging will not change you.

" Know thyself"

Best accept who you are, there is no flaw in not being like everyone else and being your unique self.

I remember purging all in my early 30's never worked in the 20s and like a fool I did it.

Since then I accept who I am it is much, much healthier and far cheaper.

[Kirsty2907]

Ta all

Ye trying to accept it, but I?m a stubborn old sod, so it sticks in my throat a bit.

Think my issue is, is it?s not right and at odds of myself..

Talking to you all does help, again it?s the whole I?m not the only one out there, it fact I?m getting impressions it?s quite common and by others standards I?m quite low key

Lucey..... you are clearly more intelligent than me, I was with you all the way up to ?a quote from? ... then you lost me 😂

[Beverley Sims]

Just don't purge and get out and meet others.

Sounds easy, but it 'aint. :-)

[phili]

I was violently threatened and told I should be ashamed at age 4 or so, so I hid my crossdressing- I didn't feel shame, I felt ignorance and cruelty and people wanting to look good in the eyes of others at the expense of what was honest and simple.

For 60 years I tried to explain to people why it was ok, with not much success. Most people are pretty invested in the mythology of he men and pretty women. Finally I saw the end of my life coming down the road and said, its now or never.

I told my wife, who screamed.

I then spent 6 years analyzing every possible reason why I shouldn't be who I am. I pretty much know gender upside down and backwards, every corner, every hope, every dream that will never be, every lie, every natural impulse that gets squashed or altered, or promoted. The power structure involved, in enforcement and control efforts, the politics, the bargains, all of it. And that's before we even get to what it even means to be trans-ish!

Bottom line is that your desires, as you feel them, are perfectly valid, but your social setting is structured so as not to support them. You have, like many of us, gotten by with your meager ration of crossdressing, but the burden of restriction is heavy, so we want to throw it off [purge].

The cause of it all is the constant temptress within, who is actually just our own plain jane girl self wanting to be seen and known and play her part in our life.

I can say that when we get older, particularly, hardly anyone really cares what we do any more. We aren't in their way and they don't have to please us, nor do we really have to please them, most of the time. If someone thinks you will pervert the grandkids, the grandkids will actually get very curious about you and want to know who you are someday. That's a rotten thing to do, but they will pay a price in time too. But other than that,most people will still let you bring them groceries or fix their car or whatever, or work on a committee etc.

[Di]

Kirsty, please do not purge again.
Come talk to us we will support you.
I hope you find acceptance within yourself.

[Cass42]

Knowing I was different and accepted that I was feminine in a way.Luckily I hung around good friends in my life that are still in my life supporting me to this day.My mom too,she has inspired me not to give up.My wife Dana of two years as well whom has supported me since day 1 we started dating