Missed opportunity

[Maria 60]

My wife had an early appointment with her mother this morning and I got up early with her. We were having coffee on the couch and I was here on the community reading and my wife asked me "why am I so stubborn and why I say no when I really mean yes and miss so many little opportunities in life because I hold back and not show my true feelings.
This went back to what had happened at the mall last night, with the restrictions lifting we are going back to routine slowly. Walk and eat at the mall and then we have some alone time and I go for a fem drive.
We were in the mall and my wife seen a widow display with a prom style dress I always wanted, she said my birthday is coming up and she wanted to buy it for me. We went in the store and the dress was also 60% off. Even at 60% off it was still expensive for a dress that wasn't going to see the light of day. As we went to the register our son called and I walked away as she paid, I finished the conversation and my wife walked toward me without the dress and I asked her what happened. She told me the dress was a final sale and since the Covid I packed on a few pounds and she didn't want to spend the money if it didn't fit me. She then told me not to get upset but she told the girl that the dress was for me and if it was OK if her husband can try the dress on. My mouth dropped and my heart started racing and all at once that small store became so much smaller. I guess she seen my face go white as ghost and told me to relax because the girl didn't flinch and told my wife it wasn't a problem at all. I told her I didnt want to try the dress on. My wife told me I don't have to come out of the dressing room and just try the dress on and make sure it fits. She then asked me if I was wearing pantyhose under and I said yes and asked her what that had to do with anything and she told me if I try the dress on it will give a better look. I refused again and I looked up at the girl waiting at the register and she was starring at us and my wife made a hand jester that we weren't buying the dress. I walked out of the store and started breathing normal again and nothing was said about it until this morning.
She asked me why I am the way I am? why do I say no when I really mean yes, and all the amazing experiences and opportunities Iam missing because I'm embarrasted, shy and stubbornness for no reason to be.
She told me when I told her about the dressing 35 plus years ago we drew a line that we were both able to live with and I cross it now and then but pretty much I respect it. But a situation like last night that she was going to cross her own line and instead of jumping with excitement I pushed the brakes myself.
Her disappointment is that I'm missing out, she knows how bad I wanted that dress and the reason she asked me if I was wearing pantyhose was in case I decided to come out of the dressing room it would have looked better. She said I could have just tried the dress and at least I would have had the dress now, but if I decided to come out of the dressing room she would have been happy to see that big smile I get when I'm doing something like that and she wanted to share this moment with me.
The sad part is, she stressed that Id rather not been embarrassed in front of that girl instead of doing something I would have never dreamed and made me happy.
She asked me why I get the way I get, as soon as I get close to doing something unbelievable with the dressing I pull back, the time with her sister I almost had a nervous breakdown and as soon as she told me she asked the girl if I could try the dress my face went white and I started hyperventilating.
She didn't understand, the mall was dead and the store was dead, the girl was on board she didn't care I could have tried the dress on and came out of the dressing room and did some spins.
Instead it was a lost opportunity, that may never happen again, if it was planned it wouldn't have had worked out, it was spontaneous and she feels bad when I miss out on chances like that.
She asked me is it because I want to protect her from this because when I went to have a coffee with the guy at the crossdressing store I walked down the street and sat in a coffee shop and then with her sister I went so far until I maybe realized how close to home it was and I panicked..
I really didn't have an answer besides I don't know why I get like that at times, I guess it was a really small store and maybe I didn't feel comfortable with that girl and that she really did catch me off guard, after all she did start the sentence with "don't get upset". I reminded her about the time I tried on the a skirt at another store, but it was a big department store and she was watching if anyone was coming, but that store last night was small and anyone plus that girl would have seen me.
I honestly don't know why I start to hyperventilate and shake and get nervous in some situations.
She had to go out and she ended it with keeping me honest, she told me not to look into this to much, like she sees things any different. The line is still in the same place and last night was just a spontaneous moment and in the future I should take advantage of those situations instead of overthinking things.
She is right I should be happy that she does want me to help me. Sorry it was so long I guess I get to much in detail.
I'm just wondering if anyone here would have felt comfortable trying on that dress in a small store like that, no wig or make up. Being seen just as a man in a dress and pantyhose and after all the time when I went to the coffee shop I was fully dressed. Maybe that was the difference.