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Thread: Giving up on an impossible situation?

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    Giving up on an impossible situation?

    Forgive me if my attitude has been showing but my crossdressing life is nothing but one frustration after another.

    Small town, year spent at home in DADT, wife pays bills so no purchases, vehicle is shot and won?t start and doing anything in lockdown prompts questions. Home body, do not drink or go clubbing, could never discretely join support groups, no CD friends to serve as mentors. Basically just an old man with some kind of curse that has only caused more anxiety.

    Do not bother offering solutions, trust me, this is an impossible corner I am painted into. My wife is not some kind of ogre, we agreed that she would do finances and she is better than I am at it. She drives the good car and I get the old hauling to the compost rusty beater because that is what I do. I think if there is such a thing as a Devine being he or she played a huge joke. Pick the most unlikely country hick, give him gender issues and watch him struggle. Even therapy leaves me frustrated as I can clearly see what I am but cannot act on it.

    Solutions aside for me this comes down to a simple choice, family and friends or give it all up to dress like a woman. That would surely see me splitting my income and investments and becoming a recluse after I lose everything. I look at this as a curse because it is impossible to fit it into a small town conservative existence.

    Add the fact that I am looked down on for on here for omitting information and lying due to my DADT and things feel pretty hopeless right now. I am the kind of person who will carry on but I can see where some might feel trapped with no way out and resort to self harm.

  2. #2
    Junior Member KimberC's Avatar
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    I wish I could give some sage advice... but I don't have enough experience to do that justice. What I can say is that I don't think you are alone in where you are. Many have been through it. When it comes to having to make a "trade off" that's a decision only you can make but take your time. Where things are right now is not necessarily where they will be in a week, or a month... We live in very crazy times right now, let's let life get back to some new type of normal before we make decisions that can alter our lives.

    There is always here.... and sometimes living vicariously through others is our only release. But take heart and keep looking forward to a better day

  3. #3
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    You are in tough spot

  4. #4
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Your situation is hopeless if you do nothing to change it, or your outlook. I am not judging your choices, only your refusal to make them. I am reading a lot of complaints about your situation, but precious little planning or problem solving. You indicate that you are (or at least were) in therapy. That's good. Have you not discussed appropriate things to try in order to improve your situation?
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

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  5. #5
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    Star, I've always found that exercising an honest sorting of priorities has been inspirational. I've had to put Carla on hold for a while. Furloughed for over a year now with the embellished crisis nonsense, I've had to stay focused on the true mode of reality. Unless you are truly transgender, crossdressing is just a fabulous bonus pastime. Priority and focus are the keys to life. I personally believe in a higher power that always observes but very, very rarely interacts. Usually, the resolve to all of our issues are clear to see if we just open our eyes. The only choice is to own the situation. I'm trying not to pontificate but, I've always believed that true virtue is doing the right thing when no one is looking. CD is enjoyable and doesn't need to be mislabelled as a curse. Just put it all away for a while and concern yourself on elevating from your situation. The solution game is much more rewarding than the blame game.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  6. #6
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    My only comment would not to act while in the middle of this pandemic. We're in odd territory to say the least and that makes taking decisions all the more difficult.

    I must admit I was saddened when I read; "Add the fact that I am looked down on for on here for omitting information and lying due to my DADT and things feel pretty hopeless right now". You are certainly not alone in keeping secrets and non of us is really in a position to judge others. I know there are a few who take the position that not telling is the same as lying. Well that makes me a liar as it does for all who are in the closet but we all have our lives to lead and our circumstances differ hugely.

    So as we say this side of the pond, "Stay calm and carry on". Things have a way of sorting themselves out on their own.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Star,
    I'm sorry you feel looked down on by members of the forum , I have tried to give you support and believed you can move forward even by small steps , I hope your therapist can offer enough support to keep your head above water .

    One thing you mustn't lose sight of is other members have been through a situation similar to yours perhaps even worse , I always tried to hold onto that thought when my situation reached rock bottom and please believe me it has .

    The pandemic has been an ordeal for many to live through it has been a very depressing time for some but at least we are survivning it whereas so many people haven't , try and look on a brighter side and consider life isn't so bad but it could be a whole lot worse .
    The real me , no going back.

  8. #8
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Please just remember, everyone has a different and unique life situation. No one is looking down at another person for their life events. Feel free to vent. People here are supporting each other in the only way they know how - by the caring way that they have been responding.
    Last edited by char GG; 03-16-2021 at 12:37 PM.

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    Positive notes would be that I got my first dose of vaccine, I will be going from junker to showroom soon and buying one of the mid size SUV's and I have lost eleven pounds so far on the treadmill.

    Advice is always appreciated but often falls short of my life experience. I am not so delicate that I can't work through adversity. Just saying that the only solution would be to move out on my own so that I could dress but I will never do that. I am not going anywhere, staying her with my wife and having a good relationship with my family is important to me, I won't demand freedom or flaunt my dressing (if I could dress). My next session starts in an hour and we have been discussing all of these topics and more. There really isn't anything I would do that would be considered drastic or harmful to myself or others. I think I have mentioned that I have always felt in control of every aspect of my life over the years but crossdressing and whatever is beyond it are different. I can't control these things, I can only adapt to whatever they dictate or deny and try to leave it behind me but you all know how that turns out.

    I think the problem is that my thinking borders on transgender but my circumstances are too restrictive to get away with even the most modest attempts at crossdressing. True, the lockdown is making it all more difficult on top of what it already is.

    Then there is the R word and a quarter century of cult indoctrination. It's pretty hard to be comfortable with my gender issues when I have all that baggage to deal with. That is mostly what we are focusing on in therapy. Remember, I am the one who got found out dressed in the mid 80's and reported to church elders who "excommunicated' me for a year. That adds an extra layer that most of my peers on this board will never understand.
    Last edited by Star01; 03-16-2021 at 12:58 PM.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Star,

    I am sorry to hear you are in such a tough situation.

    Firstly no one should ever be looked down upon due to their situation.

    My only question would be is does your wife realize how badly you feel not being able to dress ?

    I wish you the best on finding a solution even if its take some time.
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    My wife cornered me one day back around 2003. She never saw me dressed so I am not sure what prompted her to blindside me like that. I think it was because I shave my legs, grew my hair long and got my ears pierced. Maybe she saw some clothes or something but that never came up when she made her demands. All I remember is that she asked if I was going to transition, said I would be an ugly woman, can?t ever be a real woman because I can?t have a baby and that she never wants to see me dressed or know that I dress. That blind sided me, took all of two minutes and neither of us has said a word about it since. I believe she said something about not knowing if she can handle it which implied I was on thin ice. I have honored her request and not said a word since.

    My wife is very liberal, watches shows on the subject and probably knows more about it than I do. She is not ignorant about this subject and is not religious so the anti LGBTQ teachings are not a factor. I think in her case she knows enough about it to know what she would be in for if it gets out of hand. Anyways, to try and have a conversation would be forcing this on her, this is our 51st year so I know when she means business and this is a subject I dont dare bring up. Like I said, the choice is pretty simple, her or continue to lie and omit as some here would suggest.

    I think basically we have two schools of though here. Some of us will bend over backwards save the marriage, some will bend over backwards to save their girly time.

  12. #12
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Star, I empathize. Though single, I can relate some, as i am almost 67yo, and also live in a very small midwestern town area, and i could never let it be known around this area, that i am the big tall loner older guy who dresses up as a woman! SO, i hide it all, too. "R" word has been an issue in my life, also, to say the least! It is forbidden. Health issues, and if I get injured or seriously ill, and having no one to watch my back, or help me if i go down, too. And if my landlord had to find me down, hurt, and all my lady things, too!! Or if my landlord had to call my bother and sister 130 miles from here, to find me and my stash, I would be humiliated and shamed the rest of my life or their lives. I can empathize with you a lot. As i wish i had never had this compulsion, and the double life and isolation, and shame it sometimes causes. Though it is so thrilling to do occasionally. But, I cannot let it control my life. I DON'T consider it lying, to keep it secret. SHe may well have secrets she will never tell, too. It is sometimes wise to not reveal some things, as that could make things MUCH worse. We all hide some things. Carla has some very good input,
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 03-16-2021 at 07:09 PM.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Star,
    While you continually say you have a good marriage and how much you love your wife I can't help feeling from your last comments that you are allowing yourself to be bullied because of your trans issues . She really is throwing barbs at you to deter you , " you would make and ugly woman " Can't be a real woman because you can't have a baby " . She has to consider how insulting that is to women who also can't conceive . She may hope you would make an ugly woman so you won't compete with her .

    To be married 51 years is wonderful but it shouldn't appear like a prison sentence , I was married 45 years but I'm now still able to live a life I'm now happy with , after my wife had used most tricks in the book to deter me from my trans journey . The only life you appear to live is totally under her rules , you really have to consider your needs in life at some point for your own mental wellbeing .



    Sorry I'm being a little harsh but I feel strongly now about people being bullied and controlled especially over trans issues , I didn't realise how bad my life had become until our separation . Love should be a two way emotion and not used as a weapon !

    While rules don't permit religious comments , I do feel very let down and ashamed of the attitude of some sectors , at times they appear to fuction by two sets of rules when there should be none at all .
    Last edited by Teresa; 03-16-2021 at 07:38 PM.
    The real me , no going back.

  14. #14
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Star01 View Post
    I think the problem is that my thinking borders on transgender but my circumstances are too restrictive to get away with even the most modest attempts at crossdressing. True, the lockdown is making it all more difficult on top of what it already is.

    Then there is the R word and a quarter century of cult indoctrination. It's pretty hard to be comfortable with my gender issues when I have all that baggage to deal with. That is mostly what we are focusing on in therapy. Remember, I am the one who got found out dressed in the mid 80's and reported to church elders who "excommunicated' me for a year. That adds an extra layer that most of my peers on this board will never understand.
    Things are a little clearer now. If your "thinking borders on transgender", get that sorted out. Hope for arriving at a place where you don't need to transition. I mean that, because if you can't, your life will be less than ideal, whether or not you actually do transition. If you find that it's truly not for your, count your blessings.

    I'd be happy to help deprogram your cultural biases, but not in this particular forum. Rules, you know. L)
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  15. #15
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    What you are facing is so common there’s a word for it: a dilemma. You’re starting to see it. You feel like it’s a trap, but you understand it’s a choice, but you’re not fully appreciating what that choice is. You see it as losing your friends and family, but you could also see it as a chance to see who really loves you, and to make NEW friends and family. Your town won’t accept you, maybe it’s a choice to move to a new town or city. I know it’s really frightening but you have to look beyond the short term cost and understand the long term benefits of your decisions. Don’t get stuck only seeing the bad.

  16. #16
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Micki,
    I agree , I chose to move twenty miles away which has worked out fine , it's not that far to visit family and old friends now they have accepted me , it was a surprise but it does happen , in fact I have lost very few old friends and made far more new ones .
    The real me , no going back.

  17. #17
    Feminaut Julie MA's Avatar
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    Therapist told me, "you do have a choice to change things". So do you.

    As for others, looking down on you, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". These no ones are not you, and risk nothing by telling you how you should live.

    Love and accept yourself first. The choices above will be so much easier.

  18. #18
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    Star, I'm with Julie here. It sounds like zen or something, but its not. You have to love all of you, and that means accepting the woman in there. I kept Val bottled up until I made the choice to tell the wife. No, it wasn't fun, and its taken years to get to a point where there are rules that let Val come out. But had I not done that, I'm certain I would resent everyone that forced her to stay locked up. You may not realize that you are resentful, but if you look hard ... all I know is, that I was, and I'm not now.
    Geez, 2003 is getting close to two decades ago. Maybe you ought to at least consider trying to have a deep conversation with her about how badly this hurts to bottle it up. If she won't even consider talking to you about something that deeply affects you, you might remind her that love goes both ways and she should be committed to your mental health, and engage in communication. I'd use the therapist time to talk about this stuff.
    Please put the religious anti CD stuff behind you ... like a lot of the dogma, its all about control and power. No one knows, or controls you, better than you.
    If Star is her name, love her, too.
    We are ALL with you. Vent, complain, let it all out. Take the actions you think are right ... all we can do is advise.

  19. #19
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Star, I'm pretty sure you're going to reject what I'm about to say, but I'll say it anyway...

    It seems to me that you're basing your ENTIRE problem on two minutes' worth of dialog (MONOlogue?) from 18 years ago. As you said in post#11, "neither of us has said a word about it since.".

    You also say "My wife is very liberal, watches shows on the subject and probably knows more about it than I do."

    Now, here's the part you're not going to like: It seems that it's more YOU that's standing in your way, than it is her.
    Do you really think that she has been incapable of learning, growing, or changing her viewpoint over the last 18 or so years?
    Do you honestly believe that she thinks so little of you and the marriage that she'll throw it all away if you tell her you need to talk about your feelings and needs?
    Do you truly need to victimize yourself this much?

    Not that I'm one to talk - I'm still "stuck" in the same semi-DADT situation I was in when my wife and I got married. In the last few years, I've seen signs that I could probably "get away with" a bit more, but I still haven't pushed it. For me, I don't really need to, so I don't.

    But - for you, it sounds like you're about to explode if something doesn't give. I know it's up to you to decide what you can or can't do - what you will or won't do.
    Just please, for goodness' sake, at least consider that maybe your wife isn't such an ogre on the subject as you might think.
    She possibly thinks you quit way back when, and hasn't given it much thought since.
    And here, you're eating yourself alive trying to "please" her over something that might not even be there any more!

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
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    Where are you? What part of the world? I'm soon to be 66 and could use a friend to do stuff with. Work on projects with kinda stuff... nothing sexual at all. Or just have a beer or something.

  21. #21
    Junior Member JennyMay's Avatar
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    Star, I don?t have any advice for you. I just wanted to send you good thoughts. I, for one, am not judging you. It sounds like you are depressed and I know what it feels like to sit in that black pit. It is horrible but, as the story says, this too will pass.

  22. #22
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about your tough situation.

    I was in a tough situation when my wife was dying as I had to juggle a full time job and be a full time caregiver.
    I was too busy jumping from crisis to crisis as her situation changed by the week.

    It could have been worse. I lived close enough to work to drive home during my lunch break to feed her.

    Marion

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    SaraLin, you are pretty close to understanding my situation and my reaction. I am a non confrontational pleaser who does deal with some low grade depression and anxiety. I am often my own worst enemy and I constantly make jokes out of everything as a way of protecting myself from the heavy conversations. Then there is the cult background which is something most will never understand. There is a lot to unravel with me.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Joyce Swindell View Post
    Where are you? What part of the world? I'm soon to be 66 and could use a friend to do stuff with. Work on projects with kinda stuff... nothing sexual at all. Or just have a beer or something.
    Upper Midwestern US.

  24. #24
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    Nothing is hopeless, please know we all care about you.

  25. #25
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    There has been so much support here for you and all I can add is look to the future with optimism and work out a gradual change of lifestyle.

    Even finding friends in a like minded group near you.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

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