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Thread: Giving up on an impossible situation?

  1. #26
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry for u, Star! You've trapped yourself and sadly, r obviously unable to do anything about it.

    However, u r a good example to younger folks that in most cases, your life is what u make it!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  2. #27
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    My life is great by every other measure except the one that is the focus of this forum.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    I probably come across like a needy person who hunkers down in the corner sucking his thumb with a blanket pulled over his head. That image is only true of my crossdressing life. Everything else is great, I checked off all the boxes and got a passing grade in everything.

    The dressing part is difficult but I have a long track record of suppressing it and absorbing myself in other things. That only works for so long before she demands attention. That is where I am at now. I need to come up with a reason to get out of town for a couple days. When things open up again that is something that I do a few times a year.

  3. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Star01 View Post
    The dressing part is difficult but I have a long track record of suppressing it and absorbing myself in other things. That only works for so long before she demands attention.
    I've been trying to bang out a comment to your thread. These two sentences struck a chord. On a personal note I am a disabled combat veteran about your age and your station in life. One of the things the VA has experienced within the last decade is an uptick in Vietnam veterans needing a little bit of therapy. What the VA has found is exactly what you're experiencing with cross dressing. By your own admission you have been able to stuff it all in the back of the closet (no pun intended) by being fully engaged in work and raising a family. Then, retirement comes. Work is over. Kids are raised and out of the house (prfe-covid at least). Little irritants then become more pronounced. It is good that you are seeing a therapist. However, IMHO, the is only part of the solution.

    What about those around you. When I started to go off the rails I really was the last person to realize it. My wife saw it. My daughter, the social worker, saw it. "Dad you need help!" I had a track history with them. My wife knows some of the well hidden details that have slipped out on occasion when my guard was totally down. When I was helpless.

    I wonder if your wife is aware of your angst and turmoil. Is she ignoring it? Or, does she not know what to do? How to help you? You have to deal with who you are. She has to deal with it. My wife, who is also a veteran of the same time, knows of the turmoil of those old days. She knows enough to cut me some slack when necessary. She also knows when to rein me in. Have you asked your therapist what her role should be in resolving your issues? You're in a DADT marriage. She knows. Maybe not the full extent, but, she knows.

    My wife is aware of my cross dressing. She wants nothing to do with it. As stated many times I respect her views. However, she does not make snide comments. She is supportive to LGBT rights. She is educated. She does not turn the house upside down looking for vestiges of my cross dressing.

    Perhaps, if your wife understands your needs an accommodation can be worked out.

  4. #29
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Stephanie,
    You make a good point about burying dressing needs in other ways , I managed to do that until I reached breaking point in my mid forties and came out to my wife , I knew I needed help as I was ceasing to function .

    The other point you make is our wives/partners really aren't aware of the mental suffering some of us go through , it does tear some people apart , I felt my head was going to explode . My counsellor was surprised and slightly annoyed with the level of suppression I'd lived with .

    Having those barbs thrown in your face really achieves nothing apart from I nearly ended my life through those circumstances , also I discovered later my wife hated herself for doing it .

    I know I will upset some people but sometimes wives do want to hurt us for our gender issues , OK I appreciate they may feel hurt but they need to consider understanding is far more important , if her man has this need it must be a strong driving force for him to go down that road . At the end of the day no matter how much they try and deter it the need never goes away .
    Last edited by Teresa; 03-17-2021 at 08:05 PM.
    The real me , no going back.

  5. #30
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    Then you just shouldn't get married Teresa . No one wants to hurt you for your "gender issues " . People are hurt period . They don't want to lose their husbands . I know you won't agree with that but its true , they don't want to lose the person they fell in love with and married . Fear and hurt do bad things to people .
    It isn't just about the person who dresses and their needs . There are two people here involved in this . Everyone in the house has "needs' of one kind or another .
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  6. #31
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Star01 View Post
    SaraLin, you are pretty close to understanding my situation and my reaction. I am a non confrontational pleaser who does deal with some low grade depression and anxiety. I am often my own worst enemy and I constantly make jokes out of everything as a way of protecting myself from the heavy conversations. Then there is the cult background which is something most will never understand. There is a lot to unravel with me.
    Star, We seem to have a lot in common.
    Non-confrontational pleaser? yes
    Depression? Yup.
    Anxiety? Um, not so much these days - but some still lingers when it comes to my "dressing" or "gender" issues.
    Make jokes to avoid heavy subjects? Absolutely!
    Cult background? - THANK GOODNESS I AVOIDED THAT ONE! (unless you want to think of "redneck" culture as a kind of cult?)

    But you didn't include one - and I bet it's there: Low self-esteem! Call me wrong if you want (please!), but I'm willing to bet that you put your desires and needs dead last because you don't think you're important. Right?

    <sigh> I would love to tell you to have the "Honey, there's something we need to talk about" discussion with your wife, but then I'd be a bit of a hypocrite, since I can't do it either.
    I guess if the pressure builds up enough, something will have to give.
    Till then, hold on and remember that we're here for you - for support as well as if you need to vent.

  7. #32
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Dutches,
    I agree providing dressing is the only issue , at the time I felt it was the excuse my wife was looking for , sometimes you have to accept people move on and the married status changes , people also fall out of love ! At the time we were both relieved we came to that decision . I'm sorry but you don't know my wife , of course she was hurt over discovering her husband was TG .

    I've also said that I have no regrets about being married and raising my family and neither has my wife , we did have good times , there are some wonderful memories we still chat over and share , my children appreciate that and we still share caring for our grandchildren . I don't feel it's right to tell people " Don't get married " , the real problem looking back is we married the wrong person but these things happen irrespective of gender issues .
    The real me , no going back.

  8. #33
    Member Dana3's Avatar
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    For many of us, children of the 50's, 60's and such (Or even an elder generation; or even the current age) we simply lacked the access to information, let alone the information itself.

    Rather most all of us, have been subjected to heavy handed social, cultural, family and even religious conditioning from Birth, as to what a Man ~ Masculinity ~ being Masculine is?

    How to ~ Walk, Talk, Act, Sit, Dress,......
    even how we're "Supposed to think as a man!

    Many of us have been in denial of our desires ~ want ~ need to express our "feminine side" ~ Femininity.

    There's no shortage of us that haven't experienced thinking we were surely the only male that has a want ~ need to express Femininity through dressing.

    Thers no shortage of us who experienced self loathing, been through the purge cycle.

    And there's no shortage of use of who went into heavily Masculine professions ~ careers (Law enforcement, military etc.) to earn, validate, prove and verify to others out Masculinity and status as men.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Many of us, have indulged in various substance abuse, in an effort to deny and bury our "Femininity. AKA ~"Feminine Side?"

    Or to quote the late and GREAT Robin Williams, "Suicide on the Installment Plan!"

  9. #34
    Senior Member BrendaPDX's Avatar
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    Hi Star,
    I feel for you in so many ways, I am also a DADT, so yes, I lie to my wife too.... However, a mid sized SUV, I have changed my clothes in smaller. LOL
    I wish you nothing but the best.
    Take care Brenda

    PS I live in the Portland, Oregon area if you wish to talk.

  10. #35
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    Dutchess, perhaps gender issues should be taught in school; not elementary school, but, in those grades when sexual identity issues emerge. However, given the rabid response against teaching these issues it is not surprising there is a lack of information out there. Heaven forbid there is a discussion concerning gay marriage. There are many posts that have not been deleted which alludes to the oppressive thoughts floating around. Yes, I do agree, if some guy has full knowledge of his sexual identity and sexual orientation he should think carefully about his choices. Gays and lesbians should not be marrying shills anymore, but, they do because too many people in power will discriminate against them. The same with a transgender person. Ignorance is rampant in our society and too many people in power still want to oppress others.

    As to the hurt wives experience because of the deceit I totally agree women have the right to express themselves to their husbands. I think what Teresa and certainly I are thinking is the crude and rude taunts that may be thrown which do nothing to enhance a discussion. It is no different if a husband was to call his wife an ugly fat cow because she gained some weight. Of course, the lack of civil discourse is not limited to issues of cross dressing in a marriage.

  11. #36
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    This is a bigger thing to us than you all think . The devastation to lose the man you fell in love to this can really make some people trip out .
    Gay people rarely if ever marry shills anymore with gay marriage legal . The problem I am having is that I am not sure anymore how many people have actual gender problems . Some yes , I used to think more people than I do now , especially with so many Cd/Tg's with AGP and the huge amount of deceit I am seeing .

    I am ok with the ones who are straight up about this for whatever reason . I have been doing a lot of reading as I am taking stock of my life after the last few years .. Now I am starting to worry more about the wives and S/Os of people like me and some of the wives here . I had to go my situation was just crazy with my ex husband and this left my 14 yr old and I at the time homeless for awhile. I didn't get to choose a home or receive anything to live on I was just out due to this . Ill never forget it .

    Its always about the dresser and his needs. The wife is pretty much left to deal with whatever . Plus there are so few of us here , we all only hear one side and what that side wants us to hear . I've been in this TG world totally out of any closet for 2 decades now and I am really starting to become disillusioned .

    Star you belong here just as much as anyone else . We are all trying to find our way and its not easy . I think many here are just in a bad way due to the sickness . I really think things will get better here for many people when things ease up a little .
    Last edited by Dutchess; 03-18-2021 at 06:46 PM.
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  12. #37
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    I believe that your comment "It's always about the dresser and his needs..." is as inaccurate as it is unkind. For the sake of brevity, we'll leave the pronoun thing alone, especially since we seem to be talking about cross-dressers. Let me stipulate right here that I agree that there are a lot of CD's who are selfish, self-absorbed, inconsiderate, etc., but their numbers pale in comparison to the unaccepting and inconsiderate spouses of MtF CD's. There's a big difference between "losing the man you fell in love [with]" and kicking him to the curb.
    On the other hand, we are in complete agreement on the "huge amount of deceit". Anyone with gender issues who hides those issues from a partner in a committed relationship is not fully committed to that relationship. Deception almost never ends well, but with that said, we should probably acknowledge the many, many CD's who do not discover that their issues are not going away until well into marriage (or whatever arrangement). It should be safer for those people to open up. It is most definitely not in the majority of cases.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
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  13. #38
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    "This is a bigger thing to us than you all think."

    I remember your posts of several years ago. Based on your very descriptive narration of your former spouse I think you are totally justified at being irate and worse. And, you're correct there have been many posts on this forum with the husband basically throwing out there "Take it or leave!" Just this week I made a comment to such a comment that it was totally inappropriate. The attitude which was expressed was no different than telling a wife her position in a marriage is to be available for sex when he wants it, pump out some babies (preferable sons) and cook and do the laundry. Too many people woo a man or woman on their best behavior. Later, it all falls apart.

    When my wife and I had "The Talk" she threw out some nasty comments, hurtful comments. After getting her composure back she reflected on things she told me before our marriage. Basically, I was totally in the dark about other secrets that were yet to come. Just based on what I knew I think most guys would have just melted away in the night. Later, she revealed other "secrets" with the proviso, "If you ever ask me about it, I'll divorce you!" Wow! I've been able to piece together all the tidbits. Of course, those secrets were secrets of the past to be kept in the past because she is not that woman. I understand the pain woman go through when their husbands change. For me, it is totally acceptable for a wife to throw the dishes at her husband upon the reveal. That's impulsive. To continuously to throw dishes or berate a husband does nothing to resolve the issues. I'd rather experience divorce than have two spouses be at each other's throat. If the guy is truly a pig, take him to the cleaners.

  14. #39
    Member Dana3's Avatar
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    I for one, am one who told my wife I was a crossdresser BRFORE we married. Not only that I emphasize that was a crossdresser the.day before we actually got married.

    With that said. I.have NOT once in going on.9 years of marriage imposed my wants and needs upon my wife, nor have I indulged in cross dressing thr entire time we've been married.

    I'm not in a DADT, relationship, nor is it discussed. I.don't own nor posses, nor have any clothing, makeup, lingerie, jewelry.

    Its been my own personal experience in.three long term relationship with GG's, as well as observing other men and their relationships with wives ~ GF"s that it is the men that are expected to comform to the wants and needs of the women, make changes.
    To subjugate not only their wants and needs, but goals, dreams and aspirations as well.

    I myself am and have been in a intimate less marriage 💑

    I married my wife because I love 💘 her and she's my best friend. She's not in the best of health, with multiple serious medical issues. Without me, even with Medicare, Medicare Part D, she couldn't afford many of the medications without my supplemental military retiree TriCare insurance. She would have to.live off $780 a month Social Security.

    I.would suppose i.could force my wants and needs as a crossdresser, telling her to like it or leave?

    But to.me that would make me nothing more a selfish, self centered, narcissistic piece of nothing indulging in emotional abuse.

    She has enough on her plate dealing with very real day-to-day medical issues, without my adding to her stress.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    With my "Starter Wife " of 11 years, my crosdressing was limited to wearing just panties.

    On rare and occasional moments.

    In our divorce, she got EVERYTHING from a eleven year marriage, child support ($100,000 plus) full tax credit for both children, walk a way without owning anything ~ debt free.

    I.walked away with the clothes on.my back, my personal belongings and all the bills from the marriage to.include her car payment.

    She married her third husband within weeks of the divorce.

    To this day? I'm estranged from my two adult children (DD age 40, DS age 37) and still the worse and poorest excuse for a man, husband, and father that ever walked the Earth to this day.

    What was her excuse for cheating and leaving me?

    Because I was a "Work-A-holic"

    Actually? I was a career United States Marine who was assigned duty at Marine Corps Recruit Depot, Parris Island, South Carolina.

    Teo years as a Marine Drill Instructor, and three more as a Primary Marksmanship Instructor.

    At 64, I'm still working a full.time job btw

  15. #40
    Member Cass42's Avatar
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    With my family,I talked them about going fulltime when I was 26 and my plans going fulltime at 27 years old.It was after we got home from a trip to Thailand,met so many ladyboys.Talked to them and saw some were like me.Mom saw it too and she was glad I met them taking pictures with them.It inspired me to go fulltime and it all worked out.Went back to Thailand 2 years later with my wife Dana getting my pictures taken with them as Cassie fulltime.Reunited with some I talked to and thanked them

  16. #41
    Aspiring Member April Rose's Avatar
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    Star, does your wife at least know you are struggling? I am not talking about dumping your gender issues on her, but does she at least know you are in counseling and have at least some general idea why? My experience with women in general, and a long marriage in particular is that women want to know whats going on in their S.O.'s head.

    In 2003 Barack Obama was against Gay marriage. A Lot of evolution in thought has taken place since then. If your wife is as liberal minded as your post indicates, perhaps her thinking has revolved as well. Either way, the "traditional male" stoic thing is a false flag. If you are struggling she has a right to know. Eighteen years is a long time between conversations.
    I am a vessel of the goddess. Let me express my calling to a feminine life through nurturing love and relatedness.

  17. #42
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    The are some people who believe in fate, as in a higher power has a plan in mind for me, and she will reveal it to me when she's ready. I, however, believe in free will. I can think about my situation,make choices and take action to change my situation.

    I'm in a DADT relationship. But, nonetheless, I can buy clothes, and pick them up without my wife knowing. When there's (free) will, there's a way. Think of something that you want to change and make a plan to change it.

    For example, I found someone who would do a makeover for me, and had clothes, shoes and jewelry so I could have a photo shoot, looking even more beautiful than I ever imagined. However, it would require that I take a two-day trip out of town to accomplish it. It turned out that I got a trip scheduled to that city. I'll leave you guessing whether the trip was a real trip sponsored by my company or if I concocted the trip to meet my goals.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

    Gender fluid (adj.) - Describes a person whose gender identity is not fixed. A person who is gender fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel [more] like one gender some days, and [more like] another gender other days.

    Ref: https://www.lgbthealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/LGBT-Glossary_March2016.pdf

  18. #43
    Member Lori Ann Westlake's Avatar
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    Star, I'm sorry you feel so stuck in this situation; also that you were feeling that some members of this forum had been critical of you. I read that other thread on "Lies and SO," and when reading other people's comments I think we need to look at the context of what they're saying, and their own circumstances. You're in a DADT relationship, and in that thread the whole topic of DADT should have been off the table entirely, when a married couple have essentially agreed to "keep things" from one another. That thread was really about what I'd call a NANT relationship--"Never Asked, Never Told," That's a whole different ballgame, and if people were condemning lies and omissions in that context, it's got nothing to do with you and your own situation.

    Anyway I was glad to see you found so many friends and supporters coming out of the woodwork when you posted this thread. While there are things I could say, happily much of it has already been said by others here.

    Anyway you never know how many friends you have. Not just here, but probably in your town as well. You may live in a small town, and it may be hidebound, but if it's the kind of place where people have lived there and known one another all their lives, then they've known you as a man and as a human being for a very long time. If they knew you were a crossdresser, would that really change their opinion of you very much?
    Last edited by char GG; 03-20-2021 at 05:26 AM. Reason: Sending PM

  19. #44
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    I think that the notion of "condemning" anyone in the other thread alluded to is a complete invention. Nobody was condemning anyone. We were characterizing what a SO may consider a lie even if the CDer sticks to "omission", and comparing the consequences (mostly the same). In France we call this "calling a cat, a cat". It has nothing to do with judging or otherwise moral considerations. Anyone feeling judged or thinking s/he is told s/he is a bad person should carefully read the posts again.

    -- EDIT --
    If all CDers experiencing difficulties want to hear in a thread is "you are so right and keep doing what you do", maybe create a dedicated section for that. But I think some (like me) need to make progress and welcome advices and criticism. Some have difficulties with their couple and may want real advice, not just comforting words (even if comforting words are useful, not questioning that). Some may be living out of reality and may need some information to get through (e.g. consequences for SO). Etc. We try to help these like some of us got help this way. People can listen or not. It may tear the pink fog and some don't like it. But at least we try. And we do this in good faith.
    Last edited by DianeT; 03-20-2021 at 04:27 AM.

  20. #45
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dutchess View Post
    There are two people here involved in this . Everyone in the house has "needs' of one kind or another .
    Very well put...And if they don't have the gumption to talk things out, then no progress is made.
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

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