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Thread: Finding your femme identity

  1. #1
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    Finding your femme identity

    So if any of you have been following my "Introduction" thread, you may have seen where my wife is extra supportive since I came all the way out with her re: "Becca" (she does not yet know the name...which is maybe subject to change depending...)

    Anyway, part of this discovery process for me is assembling a wardrobe. I'm finding it quite difficult, because some of the things I like to wear arent necessarily me/Becca...

    I just dropped about $250 on some stuff...mostly ladies cut t's that m or f me would wear, but where I'm really struggling is...the "fancier" stuff...

    I guess there's a difference between Becca's "everyday wardrobe" and when she wants to get all gussied up...

    Is this something you all have struggled with in the past?

    I just don't want to end up with like 30 crazy expensive things I'll rarely wear.

    What was it like for you all when you were establishing your wardrobe? What worked for you to get over this "hump"?

  2. #2
    Miss Conception Karren H's Avatar
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    For me it was going to the stores and trying things on before I bought them. To make sure they fit and that they looked good on me. That way I could try combinations and colors. Love Kohl?s mainly for that reason.

    I rarely ordered fem clothing online because they never looked or fit as good as they did the models! Lol.
    Last edited by Karren H; 03-18-2021 at 10:11 AM.

  3. #3
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Gee, when I first began assembling a wardrobe it was basically one outfit as I was totally in the closet.
    Because of when I began and all the image of femininity was, of course, over the top. The sexiest lingerie I could find. Garters and stockings, lacy bra and panty set, short tight skirt and revealing blouse. All things that made me feel incredibly sexy and feminine but also things I could never wear anywhere outside the house.
    Over time that changed as my desire to be in public grew. I still gravitated to sexy lingerie but my outer wear was more "conservative". Not matronly, but things that I could wear out and not be gawked at or seen as a hooker
    By the time I came out to my wife totally my wardrobe consisted of skirts, blouses and dresses that I could wear to a restaurant or such, but still not something for the mall without drawing too much unwanted attention.
    Now if you look in my closet (that's where everything is) you would think that I have hardly any clothes and that my wife has a huge wardrobe. You could not tell my things from that of any other woman's closet. There are slacks and jeans, t-shirts, tank tops and blouses, skirts and dresses, nightgowns and shoes. Nothing would scream crossdresser, nothing is outrageous and I have outfits for all occasions just as anyone else would.
    It's where I've always wanted to be. I just wanted to be an average gal, doing everyday things and now I am and I do.
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

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    Oh, Cheryl, I don't think I'll ever have the desire to go out in public...

    I'm very open with my wife about everything now, but the possibility of running into my peers somewhere? Oof, no thanks! Not that I don't think many of them would be accepting, this is just my thing...I'm not doing it for anyone else and I don't necessarily want to have to explain it to them (if that makes sense, present company obviously excluded

    But I think that's what I'm coming to understand...I don't always want to be "sexy Becca" just Becca...who is by her very nature a little bit sexy , though there are a couple of "extra" outfits that I have in mind that I probably won't pull the trigger on for a little while due to cost. Right now I'm just establishing a base.

    Fortunately my wife's and my styles are fairly similar....largely warm colors and blacks. I'm trying to commandeer sections of the closet that are near hers just so everything blends in together and I no longer have to keep all of my shit in a travel bag anymore.

  5. #5
    Silver Member CynthiaD's Avatar
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    If you search online for "work dresses", "church dresses", "casual dresses" and the like, you'll find things that look nice without being over the top. Nothing beats shopping in person though.

  6. #6
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    It's been a long time since I had the physique for "sexy" as in "trashy" attire. Perhaps being a child of the 1950's and 1960's has formed my presentation. Where I grew up in the 1950's and 1960's women did not wear pants. I can remember the sole divorcee in the apartment building being shunned not only for being divorced but also for wearing pants. Yikes! What's the world coming to. So, I have always gravitated towards dresses. It took a little trial and error to find that being six foot one was a hindrance to wearing dresses. Most women are in the five foot seven or shorter range which puts the natural waistline for dresses on a six foot one person too high on the chest. Sort of looks like a guy wearing his belt at his nipple line. Very bad visual. So, for me it is always dresses. Further it is dresses with no defined waistline; empire waist, sheaths and wraps. Although I fawn over displays of prom dresses I learned to stay away from them because I'd never be able to wear them any place. In my more compulsive days of trying everything I did buy two dresses totally suitable for an evening wedding; floor length. JCP had a great sales. I also bought several ankles length party dresses in solid colors at Christmas time one year. I have not purchased a dress in over two years. That leaves my total of dresses at 162. As some others on this site do I try to color coordinate my undergarments to the primary color of my dresses. I have an extensive collection of colorful slips that fall into the vintage category. If I have to classify my everyday look it is the average middle age woman working in a business environment. Maybe, also what a woman would wear entertaining a group of women at a dinner party. I cannot bring myself to buying any clothes that emulate a man. Heck, my wife grabs some of my male graphic tee shirts because she does not like the female cut. Too bad I cannot grab one of her dresses since we wear the same size. If I predecease her, she is going to have a nice selection of dresses to update her wardrobe or have a big bon fire.
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 03-19-2021 at 04:44 PM. Reason: spelling

  7. #7
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    I found it useful to check out the Discount Racks at Kohl's and Target.
    If something new (to me)was really cheap and fit me I'd buy it just to experience wearing it for a while.

    At the end of a Kohl's sale it was cheaper to buy sale items than to buy used clothing.

    Marion

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    Most of my early wardrobe was from hand me downs from girls who boarded with me when I was twenty.

    I was always impeccably dressed in those days.

    It is a bit of hit and miss, the miss stores have a lot of unsuitable and cheap fashion so mistakes in purchase can be disastrous.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  9. #9
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    Becca,
    I found my identity when I went full time otherwise trying to find a balance is harder . I had to think hard what everyday meant , what to wear to do ordinary , everyday jobs , how much or little makeup to wear and choosing a wig that worked well for me . I now stick to the same wig and makeup , I don't experiment because it's my identity , people need to recognise me for that so they accept me .

    I agree it's nice getting done up to the nines but a choice for everyday is possibly more important . My avatar picture was taken by a good friend in the art room where I attend my art sessions . Sometimes I'm the only one wearing a skirt , I was a little concerned at first but in fact most didn't notice .

    It is a wonderful feeling to find your identity and be accepted for it .

  10. #10
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Thumbs down No. I've NEVER had that problem!

    From the very get go 25 years ago? I've never been attracted to anything NOT very feminine!
    No T shirts, jeans, or anything gender neutral or androgynous for Sherry!

    I've always been attracted to sexy, over the top, fem clothing and looks!

    To save $$ I've bought most of my things from thrift stores!

    For years my enormous wardrobe includes many "probably wear it only once" clothing items!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  11. #11
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Becca,

    In trying to find my style I looked at what GG's of a similar age to me who dressed "well" were wearing. By well I mean with a degree of style that never goes out of fashion. As an ex engineer one of the rules I lived by was KISS, Keep It Simple Stupid. I feel that applies to how I dress in that I try not to over embellish my look. Clean lines, stay away from bling jewellery. If I wear heels I should be able to walk elegantly so nothing higher that say 8.5cm. I guess one of the ways you know you've found your style is if you look in the mirror and think that looks right.

    If food shopping then simple straight or A line knee length skirt, flat boots or modest heels, things that allow me to blend into the background.

    As for never wanting to go out, never say never. You won't be the first who gets frustrated at being confined by 4 walls and while there are those who will disagree, having experience the things I have it's my opinion every CD'er should experience being out at least once. Then say it's not for you.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  12. #12
    Member Diane426's Avatar
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    I personally feel mine has always been there. For a long time it was hidden by what was supposed to be my male self. Now I have no problem expressing the real me.
    Diane. 🎀

  13. #13
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    So...sidebar...

    Is it a problem that I seem to disassociate myself from "Becca"

    ...like...she is me...I am her...

    Why is this somehow a problem for me?

    Gah!

  14. #14
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Becca

    There was a time when I never thought I'd go out of the house dressed. Then, once I went out dressed, I wanted to go out dressed whenever I dressed. Maybe that's not you, but never say never.

    Until COVID, I had gone to the Keystone Conference 8 years running, with 500+ other girls like us!
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  15. #15
    Banned Read only Cass42's Avatar
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    For me it was seeing some of the styles some TV show characters wore has been one of them.One has been Marya on Hogan's Heroes.Remember watching the reruns with her in them with my mom.Mom saw I liked her style very well

  16. #16
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by beccadeath View Post
    So...sidebar...

    Is it a problem that I seem to disassociate myself from "Becca"

    ...like...she is me...I am her...

    Why is this somehow a problem for me?

    Gah!
    This different for all of us, Becca. I think of Sherry in the 3rd person!
    Last edited by docrobbysherry; 03-19-2021 at 01:07 PM.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  17. #17
    Silver Member darla_g's Avatar
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    My style has evolved over the past twenty some years. I think like a lot of the gurls here i tended towards rather trashy looking clothes. I have gotten rid of those.

    Over time i have acquired a lot of stuff, too much stuff so i am in the middle of a sort right now. Think about that when you are out shopping. I did get a lot of stuff from my local thrift shop. But they've had great stuff from time to time. I tend to really like Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren dresses but really only get it if i find it there or at Ross. Stockings i have been splurgin on more and more. Fiore from europe are the BEST!

    Just learn to enjoy yourself and dress up!

  18. #18
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    Becca give it time you will me amazed with your progress especially with an Extra supportive wife and use going out in public as future goal its great incentive to get your very best look. Dont worry about your peers unless you live in a tiny town and your not with your wife chances are very good no one would recognize you. Enjoy your progression.

  19. #19
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Becca,
    Not everyone wants to go out in public or needs to.
    For me it was a natural progression. It was something I was driven to do. I wanted to be part of the world as a woman.

    Your journey is yours. Do it as it works for you.
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  20. #20
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    You’re asking the wrong person here lol. I got bored of street clothes pretty quickly and realized my true passion was in fashion and glamor so I just went with it and became a Drag Queen.

  21. #21
    Senior Member Davina2833's Avatar
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    Cass42,

    Your to young to appreciate Hogan's Heroes. Its the best. You are right, Marya is very pretty.

    Davina

  22. #22
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    This is an interesting thread because talks about "identity" buy I'm afraid that would be touch just superficially because paying attention and what we dress.

    When I started in hormones my life completely changed and found that my identity wasn't about dressing. Please don't get me wrong, I read many trans people there saying they can be in male and keep feeling as a woman, that's ok, weird but ok for them not for me. What I dress express what I am.

    I remember being dressed, when a male, with suit, tie, fancy elegant shoes, feeling like business man and I feel more respected and important (silly me)
    and I could walk and act like a gentleman. So what we wear affect our behavior.

    When looking for my identity as a crossdresser, I pick just sexy mini skirts, hot lingerie, etc.

    When I start "full time" all that silliness went away.
    I'm a 61 years old woman but in my spirit I feel younger so I'd like to wear mini skirts to show my beautiful legs, or wide chest open blouses to show my boonies buy it doesn't go with how people see me. Additionally to that, I'm councious about the visibility we, transwomen, must achieve, and I don't want to project a distortions image of sexual people.

    For me now, my identity is not in what I dress but who I am and what I dress must be in armory but just as the external expression of the internal femenine spirit I am.

    So talking about my wardrobe, the first one was hide in my cat, just provocative sexual attires, when open to my wife, start buying more "decent" but equally sexy stuff, when "full time" I get rid of all that old sexy clothes and now it's like a woman in her 40's most oriented to a casual business.

    There's a huge difference on being a crossdresser that lives dreaming, looking to fulfill an identity, and be a real woman that must live 100% of the time as one that already find her identity, to dress pass to a second or third place in priorities because soon I complete my wardrobe and I don't plan too much what to wear, I got the rhythm of everyday life routines....

    Just saying,

    Devi San Martin
    Last edited by Devi SM; 03-19-2021 at 10:54 AM.
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    GCS 072022; BBL 022023; GCS revision 04203;END TRANSITION

  23. #23
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    That is a very interesting take, Devi and I really appreciate your insight...

    I think to a degree this is me externally talking out some of my internal stuff re: gender identity overall. For years now I've been doing the double life thing and it all just boiled over here recently...my wife, as much of a freaking champion as she is, seems to be a little conflicted over the gender identity stuff on my end as well.

    I keep reassuring her that "Becca" (again, she doesn't know about the persona...etc) is not who I want to be full time, just a part of me that I want to explore and have her be fully comfortable with. It's definitely a balance and I guess where I'm at right now is trying to find that balance WHILE assembling a wardrobe

    As I keep saying...it has been a week! I worry I've overwhelmed her...but I mean, I've been a little overwhelmed myself if I'm being honest...so I'm glad that she cares enough to worry about what it means re: our future. She mentioned today that she loves the male me and she's not attracted to females...and I'm just like...can't you just love all of me? So...we're still adjusting a bit, but I'm pretty confident this will work out.

  24. #24
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    She mentioned today that she loves the male me and she's not attracted to females...and I'm just like...can't you just love all of me?
    I don't think it's unusual for a woman not to be attracted to the female form. It really has nothing to do with "loving all of you". She obviously loves you.

    I love my hubby and if he wants to dress like a woman sometimes, that's ok. I'm just not physically attracted to "that look" (if that makes sense). I still love the person that I married. I wouldn't be attracted to a face tattoo either but I would still love the person.

    Kudos to you for being honest and allowing your wife explore this side of you - along with you. You may get a lot of questions at various times. It's just important to keep the lines of communication open and honest.

    Good job!
    Last edited by char GG; 03-19-2021 at 03:41 PM.

  25. #25
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    thanks char! good to know from the GG perspective, especially seeing as my wife isn't...how should i put it..."there yet"(?)

    Like, on the one hand I was offended...but on the other I appreciate that she seems to think I'd pass enough for her to find me unattractive

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