Stopping without anxiety and stress

[Tomi]

Hello,

I want to share my theory/experience about stoppin CDing. I say theory/experience because I stopped only for a month and a half which is not too long and I don't want to rush into any conclusions yet but since I never stopped for more then a week since I started CDing, it's a pretty long period already for me.

The reason I'm posting this is it seems to me that there is a general agreement in CD communities that we cannot stop it without the urge coming back or without dealing with massive anxiety. And although I do believe that this is ineed the case with many crossdressers I don't think it's a universal truth.

I think the misconception here is that for many the idea of "stopping" means a package deal of never dressing again and never having the urge again. It's obviously never gonna happen since the many years of possitive reinforcement hardwired many things into our brains. But I do belive that it is possible to have a healthy stressfree life without CDing even if the urge is always there from time to time.

To back up my theory I share my story in short. I started CDing 4 years ago when I was 27. It started with bra fetish and escalated into full dressing at home not just to setisfy sexual needs. About a year ago I realized that my dressing was indeed a fetish and I only dressed outside of sexual situation to higher up the stimulus. So I started deescelating and after 6 month I only dressed for sexual reasons once again. I never missed the "just doing things dressed" part. A couple month later I run into a relationship problem related to my CDing, and so I came to a crossroad.

So I decided to stop even though my wife never pressured me to stop, it was my decision. I started meditating daily (which I wanted to do anyway) which helped with the urge and helped see my CDing from a higher perspective. After a month my relationship with dressing started to change. I did have the urge once or twice a week but if the urge rose I started picturing the dressing and realized that the urge is more of a reflex of years of dressing rather then actual desire. I purged almost everything except a bra and a penty to not purge everything. I thought that if I purge everyithing than the urge will be more irresistible.

Now one and a half month later the way I see my CDing, that it is part of me, and always will be, and I accept that, but I'm getting more frustration and stress out of it than actual joy and happines, so I countinue my journy without it, if I can (mybe I can't, time will tell).

I want to clarify again that I'm not saying that anyone can stop and should stop it. I'm just saying that as everything else in the world it's personal thing, and there can be a set af curcumstances where one can stop it and still be happy and fulfilled. The question is how much you want to stop and how strongly is it hardwired into you.

I just wanted to have a story like this here because anyone who wants to stop all he/she can read is "you can't". And although I know that it's only because wverywone tries to be helpful and caring maybe there should be discussion about stopping too if someone truly wants to stop.

Tomi

[Paulie Birmingham]

Congratulations. I have always believed people can quit if they want to. It may be extremely difficult for some people.

[susanmichelle]

My opinion is just how much dressing is in your life. I?ve never done it for sexual reasons my reason is the comfort and sensual feelings I get say from shaved legs and stockings. When my legs were shaved the first time I had to continue as the growing out of the hair absolutely drove me nuts. Even now after 39 years of dressing and shaving it still drives me bonkers with the stubble pricking me everywhere. Guess I actually went a bit overboard as I have no hair on my body except for my head and eyebrows. So the feeling of shaving every two to three days keeps any discomfort I get from stubble down to a minimum. Along with perfume, body oils or lotions and the silky hosiery plus the soft and silky clothing that stimulates the senses.

I assume it?s more like alcohol or smoking it?s an addiction. And I?m definitely addicted to dressing and the sensitivity I get from it.

If you can quit I say more power to you. When it got to me so bad and was causing me problems with my last wife or rather that was her saying that was it. I told her the very first day about my dressing and she stated there wasn?t any problems with it. She even told her kids about it. They said they were ok with it and nothing more was said. Btw she?s now on her 5th divorce so I believe it?s more than the dressing as the others didn?t do it. I wish you all the luck if you do quit and your life is better for it. I?ve gone through all the purges guilt and shame thinking I was sick and so on but I assume the only thing I have to worry about is when it comes to the time to meet my maker and what judgment is given to me then.

When I went to see a shrink for almost a year. They ended up telling me there really wasn?t a cure for it. If I was okay with my life wasn?t suicidal or depressed from it then just live with it. At first I was skeptical but did what was best for me. I believe I would have gotten depressed if I would have quit. I wasn?t hurting anyone else if I was it was me I was hurting.

[Karren H]

Congratulations.... now keep that going for another 58 years... I know I couldn't stop for the last 62 years...

PS: In 58 years i probably won't be here to hear if you made it or not.... lol

[Krisi]

Crossdressing is something you do so if you want or need to stop, just stop doing it. In the morning when you get up, instead of putting on a bra and panties, put on a Tee shirt and briefs. Instead of a skirt and blouse, put on trousers and a shirt.

It's a matter of will power and of course, your desire to stop has to be stronger than your desire to dress.

I quit smoking about 40 years ago and I quit drinking more than ten years ago. If I had a need to quit dressing, I could quit dressing. Although I typically dress five days a week or more, I have no problem not dressing when we travel away from home.

You have to learn to control your urges, not let them control you.

[kimdl93]

....I quit smoking about 40 years ago and I quit drinking more than ten years ago. If I had a need to quit dressing, I could quit dressing. Although I typically dress five days a week or more, I have no problem not dressing when we travel away from home.

You have to learn to control your urges, not let them control you.

When i read this, I thought of John Prine’s song “When I Get to Heaven”, where he says (as a former smoker and cancer survivor) ”I’m gonna smoke a cigarette that’s 9 miles long” For those of us who once smoked and quit, that desire can linger...may never fully go away.

I suppose its the same for some cross dressers.

[SaraLin]

I'm trying to figure out how to say what I'm thinking without sounding all "lecture-y". Here goes...


I think that the idea of making any decision or "attempt" to stop is laying an artificial "want" on top of the real one.
If someone didn't want to do it, they just wouldn't. It's just that simple. Without the "want", there would be no "doing" - right?

The real reason it's so hard to quit is that what people really want, is to keep going. There might be a whole boat load of reasons why they "should" or "have to" stop - and it might be possible to quit. The problem is that there will always be that yearning, that "itch you can't scratch". Can it be resisted? Will it fade away with time? Maybe for some. Probably not, for many others.

Where YOU stand is for you to decide. How strong is that yearning? How badly to you want to "scratch the itch" and put something on? How do you feel about yourself before/during/after?

Whatever path you choose, I'm sure we all wish you nothing but happiness and success.

[Michelle1955]

My 2 cents, the word / definition of transgender came about to cover basically all of us. CDing definition is wearing cloths of the opposite sex. By default in the public eyes we are all CD’ers.

But their are a lot of people that the thoughts of being a girl started back at very early childhood, for me my 1st pair of panties was at 5 years old+/-, and thoughts before that maybe back to 3 years old but fuzzy memory.

So it was not sexual, as a teenager was extremely hard on me. My brain was saying female and my body was male.
Once my wife asked me about my bras and mad a statement if I was having some fun, I said no.

Cloths are cloths, panties / shareware daily, bras are my next level to satisfy my brain needs at times.
Outer clothing also helps the need.

Do I need to be fully dressed to satisfy my brain NO, do I need female clothing on daily by all means YES.

I’m transgender, and could check off multiple sub headings on the list.
By some definitions I’m heterosexual been married nearly 42 years, but been female for over 60 years according to my brain wiring. So guess I could consider myself a lesbian in some ways. But society would go bonkers.

I am me, I live my life that I was dealt the best I can. I wear the cloths I like.
I have compassion with the young kids that have the same issue I had, some parents accept /some do not. I would have loved to go to school as a young girl. But that is an issues now, back then I would have been in a hospital locked away ‘ burn at the stake.

All of us are somewhat different in our pat, we are individuals.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hmmmm...... in my 20s I was sure that what I had was a sexual fetish. I quit it at some point in my late 20s. Though I can't really say I quit it, so I suppose I thought I quit it, lol. About 20 years later I quit CDing again, this time for keeps, as I decided to change teams and thus their is no longer anything cross about my dressing, lol. I too used to talk about free will. I still believe in free will. I still believe that we are all free to choose. I just realized I was tired of choosing to make myself miserable.

Too you OP, and anyone else wishing to quit, I wish you my very best in your endeavor!

[Sandi Beech]

Hi Tomi,

Good topic even though people probably think it has been covered before. If I had to guess, the number one reason someone may want to curtail dressing is because of the friction it can cause with one?s spouse. That was my case about 23 years ago. I was starting to get ultimatums from my wife and that was just about pantyhose, shaving, suntanning etc.
So I needed to back off or have serious problems.

The main thing which worked for me was to take up another obsession in the way of hobbies I was interested in. It did allow me to focus on other things and kept me out of trouble for a number of years. Even so the desire was still there. It was just suppressed to a manageable level.

Of course, fast forward 20 years, and my dressing came back to a level I had never attained before. So in my case it is possible to suppress it if I really want to. The trouble is, it is just too much fun for me to quit.

Sandi

[LilSissyStevie]

Another way to reduce the anxiety is to say "Hmmm, it's a fetish. So what? Where's that petticoat?"

[Kirsty2907]

Hi Tomi

Don?t want to rain on your parade ☔️

Think the jury?s out on this one still..

One thing I?ve learnt on this site is that the CD label is wide and varied in this department..

Some are full time, full on, others not so much

I?ve been at it for probably close to around 30 years, and in that time through availability, life, non desire, stopping have regularly gone months with no activity.

But here I am 30 years down the line and still what I?d call as a recreational CD.

Good luck if it?s truly stopping you aim for, but as I say jury is out as to if you have stopped.

If you?ve only been at it 4 years maybe a good chance at stopping as maybe not part of your ingrained DNA yet, but just over a month is like coming up for air.

I?m like you insofar as interested in stopping stories as think that?s what I want, so keep me posted...

[docrobbysherry]

Tomi, I think you may be treading in waters that r over your head. Many here r NOT CD's. For Trans dressing as not an option they can just easily give up. Because it's part of being the female they feel they r!
But, I'm not a trans. So, I relate to your compulsion, fetish, and sexual needs to dress.

Let me explain something u don't understand yet. U r very young! U r going to be a completely different person at 35 than u r now. Read your post above when u reach that age. I'll be surprised if u don't chuckle at the naivety of your words!

[Tomi]

Hi All,

Thank you for all your answers, the encouraging ones and the critical ones too. And it was good to read about your personal stories in the matter. I try too be not dilusional or repressive or hard on myself so I guess I see how it goes, right know I feel good about myself even though the urge rises from time to time. I certainly don't want to be miserable so if down do road it turns out that stopping does more harm then good, I guess I keep Cding.

Star01, I hear you but therecould be more then one reason to post a thread. My reason was that it bugged me a little that I saw little to none conversation about "stopping without feeling miseralbe". And I just wanted to put another one on the internet so if someone who was intrested in the topic could find opinions different form the general consensus. I believe that discussion and debate pushes forward the society and that is what i was trying to do here

Leslie Mary S, maybe you are right, it was an idea of mine based on my experiences with myself. I think if I threw out everything than the urge would be bigger. It sort of like with people who are taking pills aganst panick attacks. They do carry around the medicine but almost never took it because the sheer existence of the medicine calms them down.

[kimdl93]

This has been an interesting thread. Its good to be reminded that one size seldom fits all.

I am inclined to roughly paraphrase Mark Twain, might say its easy to quit....I have done it many times. In truth my every quitting attempt has been painful at the outset, and ended in relapse. Perhaps that is because I always approach cross dressing as an addictive behavior.

[CynthiaD]

Yes, I can stop cold anytime I want to. I know I can put it out of my mind and not think about it.

But I don’t want to, and I can’t imagine anything I would want less.

It took me a long time to accept crossdressing as a normal part of my life. Once I did, a whole new world opened up to me. I don’t crossdress for thrills, but when I’m presenting as female, I have this intense feeling of "correctness." That something that once was broken is now fixed. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Why would I want to turn my back on that? My female clothing is now just my regular clothes, and I like it that way.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Tomi , I believe that Crossdressing is like the Mafia , You just can't Quit! >Orchid**OO**

[Teresa]

Tomi,
Whenever this question arises very few mention gender dysphoria . You admit that at the moment it's possibly more a fetish thing , so dressing usually means sex.

Some of us may have been through that at one time but when that dies down the need to dress hasn't that is when we have to consider something stroger is driving the need . Attempting to stop and possibly purging clothes proves not to be the answer it only make matters worse . That is the point when you know you have dysphoria and possibly need professional help in finding some answers .

Stopping for some is impossible the suppression of dysphoria is mentally destructive . Not stopping isn't a weakness it's being honest with yourself you are trans so you have to find ways to live with that need .

[Lori Ann Westlake]

This reminds me of that saying: "Giving up smoking is easy! I've done it dozens of times."

I did give up smoking for maybe five years a long time ago, then took it up again. Finally I gave it up for good sixteen years ago, and haven't smoked since. As for CDing though, I've given that up a few times--or rather, tried to--a very long time ago. Finally I just gave up giving it up.

Even quitting smoking presents different problems for different people. I hardly ever thought about smoking since I gave it up. My wife had more trouble. She gave up smoking ten years ago, but she said she still can't help thinking about cigarettes. I guess it depends how much of the addiction is physiological and retrainable, and how much is psychological and persistent.

Since people crossdress for a variety of motives, and often a different mix of those motives, some people will have a harder struggle than others to give it up. In particular anyone with significant gender dysphoria and/or actual discomfort with male clothing is going to be constantly under stress. When CDing is more sexually motivated, I dare say the task will be easier. But even "sexual" motivation can be a complex mix in itself: part fetishism, part something else, with nonsexual elements thrown in as well. I've found that what made "giving it up" hard was not feelings of anxiety, just irresistible temptation to repeat the thrilling experience.

I dare say keeping the bra and panty was a good idea. Perhaps if you threw everything away, you'd be facing an empty future, a desert without crossdressing for the rest of your life, and that would seem too daunting a challenge to embark on. You'd be tempted to throw up your hands. With a few items around, you can always tell yourself "I can still dress if I want to," which makes it easier, "but I don't have to dress today. Or this week..."

So good luck with your efforts if this is what works for you. I hope you'll continue to let us know how you're progressing--or not progressing, as the case may be.

[Tomi]

Hi All,

I thought I give an update of my progress to anyone who is intrested in it.

I stopped CDing 3 months now. The urge is less powerfull and more distant everyday. Right now I have a relatively strong urge in every 2 weeks which lasts a couple of minutes, but fades quickly. And the other thing is when the urge rises it's not so much about the whole CDing as an experience anymore, rather it's about a specific item which misses at the moment.

A couple things that helped me get here that I want to share with you I believe that I needed ALL of them to stop CDing organically and not feeling miserable about it. Without either of those thing I would have relapsed by know. Which is OK by the way, but more on that later.

First I meditate everyday once or twice. That way I can refelect on my urge and not repressing it. If it rises during meditation, I just stay with it and let it pass, that way I experience it's not concrete nature, which means it always comes and goes, just like bad weather.

Second I have hobbies that channel my intellectual/creative energy so I have less oportunity to think about CDing.

I purged gradually. I always purged the items that no longer missed so much and kept only the core items. And if my relationship changed to another item, I purged it too. So I purged everything in two months. Right now I only miss my bra and my wig if I'm missing it at all.

And last, I know that if I fail, it's ok to go back. My wife accepts me and supports me, just right now it's better for our relationship if I'm not doing it. So the thought of 'stopping forever' isn't there which would mean it's harder to stop.

+1: I know that my CD urge is not so deeply in me as many of you so I'm sure that helped stopping too. I only started CDing three years ago, and I have 2-3 experience from younger age which could be related to this. So it's more of a "fetish to experience my defenitely real but not so big feminine side".

The interesting thing I noticed which is wirth mentioning, that my sex life with my wife is far better and more intimite, because I don't channel a large part of my sexual energy to a side activity.

Again I want to stress that I don't say everyone should do it, I just want to have this sort of experience in the forum too. Mybe I'm not the only one with this set of circumstances and I wanted to have this sort if discussion, which maybe can help or encourage others who want the same thing as me.

Cheers,
Tomi

[JulieC]

Hi Tomi! First and foremost I wanted to say I really appreciate you staying here and keeping us updated! That leads into my first thought...

There's a potential that this forum has massive confirmation bias. If (if) there are people who have been able to successfully stop being CDer, they're almost certainly not here anymore. So, we have a forum of people who either never thought of quitting (I think that's very, very few of us, if any at all) or people who tried to quit and couldn't. So, the responses here will be from people who didn't try to quit or failed. However, I and I know others here have searched around the net and tried to find success stories of people who stopping CDing. That's a virtual desert. Contrast those two points of information, and to me that speaks volumes about the ability of people to stop CDing.

I think it's dangerous to view crossdressing as an addiction. Addictions can be mastered and produce healthy, long term benefits in so doing. Psychological repression yields the opposite effects. I am not a trained psychotherapist, but I seriously doubt any psychotherapist would advise attempting to repress who we are. Addiction isn't who a person is; it's a physical and mentally learned behavior. We're not born addicts.

It's true that being a CDer isn't an A/B thing, either you are and thus spend 10000% of your time CDing or thinking about it, or you are not. I am a crossdresser, but I also don't feel the need to dress frequently. I can go weeks or months without it and be ok. I can't go years. So, for some like me or people who have it even less, it might be possible to repress it for years at a time and think you're ok. Ultimately, repressing CDing doesn't mean you've changed. It just means you've stopped expressing it. For me, the longest I went was a couple of years when I was actively trying to repress it. I'd purged, swore up and down to myself that I wasn't going to do it anymore, and more. It didn't work. Fast forward two years and I found myself in pantyhose. The impact this had on me was mentally intense. It was a virtual explosion inside my mental, spiritual self. I recognized then that whatever I was, it was not a person who could repress CDing, and doing so was going to be unhealthy.

Maybe there are others who could go 10, 15, 20 years without crossdressing and think they are fine. But, at what cost? Others have noted here before that the lack of CDing changes their behavior, their outlook, and their interactions with others. There are some wives that have been mentioned on this forum that actively encourage their husbands to crossdress when their husbands become edgy and irritable. Maybe it seems like it's helping to repress, but maybe it's causing negative reactions as well that you might think are not associated...but are. Self confirmation bias. Having a strong desire to stop doesn't change who you are. Further, you also have to consider just where that desire to stop is coming from. Internal only? Doubtful. Little boys are raised with enormous pressure to conform to what it means to be a guy. Non-conformance is bad, penalized, beaten either physically or emotionally or both, and more. Self loathing among crossdressers it not uncommon. Where does that self loathing come from? Outside. If there was no social construct against CDing, nobody would try to stop. Think about that.

Is it a fetish or it is crossdressing? Again I'm no psycho therapist, but if you're desire to crossdress is at least sometimes not associated with sexual desires, it's unlikely it's a fetish. I had thoughts that way too, that it was a fetish. For me, a central element of crossdressing is pantyhose. The first time I ever crossdressed (before the age of 10) was in my mother's pantyhose. I've always been sexually attracted to women in pantyhose. My wife indulges this with me. But, I don't need pantyhose in the bedroom to function, and don't think about it as a need. It's something enjoyed. I mentioned above about the time I went two years without crossdressing and then put on pantyhose. That was in a completely non-sexual setting. It had nothing to do with being a fetish. It might do to carefully assess for yourself whether it is a fetish or crossdressing. Interestingly, it could be both. It's not neither. Just because you've stopped it as a fetish doesn't mean it's not crossdressing. But, if it's at least some crossdressing, then trying to address this is a fetish could be as dangerous as pouring water on a grease fire.

Yes, we do have free will. Yet, we are also who we are because of our genes. I can put in colored contacts and change the visual appearance of my eyes. It doesn't change my eye color inside. I can put on men's clothes and give the visual appearance that I am a guy. It doesn't change the reality of my being a crossdresser. Having free will and the ability to repress CDing for months, years, even decades doesn't mean you're not a CDer if crossdressing is your nature. You should be aware that some studies have been done on the structure of the brains of transgender people. There's a lot of science that yet needs to be done on this, as its only just beginning to become vogue for science to get into this, and thus research dollars being available. However, the science points to TG brains having structures of the opposite sex of that they were born with. So, if you are a crossdresser as opposed to having a fetish, there's a fair chance your brain is wired this way, no matter how much meditation or repression happens.

One of the forum members above noted their experiences on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier. Another noted their experiences being in Vietnam. It would never be the case that we would see women in dresses, heels, hose, and makeup in such situations. Our inner selves don't identify such situations as being those in which we would find ourselves in such attire. That doesn't make us less female. A woman isn't less of a woman because she's walking across a flight deck in a flight suit, nor is she more of a woman walking in heels and a business suit on the way to an interview. How crossdressers express themselves is no less complex of a picture. I am not less of a woman because I look down and see sneakers on my feet, and I am not more of a woman because I look down and see pretty red heels on my feet. I am who I am. But, if I spend too long not seeing those heels on my feet, my expression of self becomes too tightly tied to being a man, and that isn't who I am. Denying my own identity is unhealthy. There are many women who never wear feminine attire. But, they aren't any less a woman for doing so. For women doing that, their identity can still be solid; they always know they are a woman as they are presented with that evidence every time they take their clothes off. For crossdressers who never wear feminine attire, there is never any confirmation of their identity, and the psychological pressure of that will eventually mount.

I wish you the best of luck. I really do. I also hope you continue to post here and tell us of your journey. I would pass on a couple of bits of advice; if you're not sharing this journey with your wife, you should be. Two, if you're not sharing this journey with a psychiatrist who is skilled in transgender topics, you are venturing out into a completely unknown world armed with....nothing. A psychiatrist trained in TG topics can help you navigate this, and would never try to convince you to be TG. Doing so without such support is very likely to lead to serious problems down the road.

[Tomi]

Hi All,

Thank you for all your answers.

I tried to stress it but maybe I wasn't clear enough which case I'm sorry. I know that there are many types of CDers and I know that for many or most of them it's not a choice, either because of gender dysphoria or because CDing is so huge part of their identity. I'm not trying to convince them to stop CDing, in fact I'm not trying to convince anybody Hell, maybe I can't stop it, I don't know.

The reason I post this thread is that I know that there is a group of CDers who wants to stop (just like myself), not because they repress it or because their wife makes them, simply because they not happy being a Cder but the urge is strong and need some guiding. And if they google "how to stop CDing" to get help or to read about other stories to not feel alone all they find is "you can't stop it's always gonna come back". And maybe to a person with gender dysphoria it's harmful to stop but maybe it's also harmful to tell someone "you can't stop, stop trying" if his true desire is to stop. I hope I'm making sense

All I want is to have a few "here are some advice/stories if you want to stop" type of posts among all the "stop trying, just accept yourself" posts which are all great honestly and I'm happy that there is a community which encouragees accepting.

Maybe I'm young, maybe I'm naive and 1 week from now I'm gonna tell you that you are right. But right now I believe that we are conscious human beings with free will, and the desire to CD is not written in stone just like any desire we have. And if someone want he can overcome it. And if that is true maybe not all of us wants to hear the "you can't stop it" phrase when asking for help. And maybe it's only that it's 1 time out of 100 or less, but if that is the case, there should be 1 post for every 100 post for that type of CDer too.

Is it nonsense?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Everyone controls their own Destiny, Good luck with your choices >Orchid**!!**

[April Rose]

Tomi, it is most certainly NOT nonsense. We are all different, that is for sure. I think that the one thing you can say about the people in the transgender spectrum is that there are no two of us alike. In some cases the only thing we have in common is the cross dressing. I know one former crossdresser/activist who still was attending trans social events , but who never dressed any more , because at 84 she had just lost the desire.
In my case, though I have been attracted to feminine clothes, for my entire life, I have stopped dressing several times for long periods of time. The longest, almost three years. I had reasons to do so, and they were valid ones. If you think that cross dressing is causing you more discomfort than it is relieving, then by all means you are logically justified in doing so. Especially if it is interfering with your relationship.

When I stopped for the longest period of time, I did so with the help of a psychologist. I spent plenty of time and thought on preparing myself to do so. Consequently, when I decided I needed to start again, I didn't see it as a failure of will or as being overcome.

There is an analogy to the smoking thing here, though it is not exact. This is more an obsession/compulsion than a physical addiction like smoking. I too, have quit smoking lots of times. But, you know what? Eventually, years ago, I quit for good.

I think you are on the right track with the meditation. Hobbies, sports, or other activities that you really enjoy can help as well.

The idea of sites like these, I think, is that we should help each other. Some times that requires stopping to think so that we don't become an echo chamber for our enthusiasms. Your posting this question is a real contribution, in that it will encourage some real thinking, outside the familiar well worn paths.

[Teresa]

The need to stop is often driven by guilt and shame , when I discovered I was born transgendered I accepted there was nothing I could do to change that so I had to learn to stop feeling guilty and ashamed . Obviously if you have a wife /partner who doesn't approve it also adds to those feelings .

At your age I had so much going on with my life the need to dress was more on the back burner , I snatched moments when I could , as I grew older the feeling became stronger instead of gradually fading away .

Thinking you can stop is one thing achieving it is very different and usually it will come bouncing back just when you think it's gone away . People have various triggers which are sometimes very hard to explain but they will always be there and catch you out .