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Thread: Stopping without anxiety and stress

  1. #1
    Tomi
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    Stopping without anxiety and stress

    Hello,

    I want to share my theory/experience about stoppin CDing. I say theory/experience because I stopped only for a month and a half which is not too long and I don't want to rush into any conclusions yet but since I never stopped for more then a week since I started CDing, it's a pretty long period already for me.

    The reason I'm posting this is it seems to me that there is a general agreement in CD communities that we cannot stop it without the urge coming back or without dealing with massive anxiety. And although I do believe that this is ineed the case with many crossdressers I don't think it's a universal truth.

    I think the misconception here is that for many the idea of "stopping" means a package deal of never dressing again and never having the urge again. It's obviously never gonna happen since the many years of possitive reinforcement hardwired many things into our brains. But I do belive that it is possible to have a healthy stressfree life without CDing even if the urge is always there from time to time.

    To back up my theory I share my story in short. I started CDing 4 years ago when I was 27. It started with bra fetish and escalated into full dressing at home not just to setisfy sexual needs. About a year ago I realized that my dressing was indeed a fetish and I only dressed outside of sexual situation to higher up the stimulus. So I started deescelating and after 6 month I only dressed for sexual reasons once again. I never missed the "just doing things dressed" part. A couple month later I run into a relationship problem related to my CDing, and so I came to a crossroad.

    So I decided to stop even though my wife never pressured me to stop, it was my decision. I started meditating daily (which I wanted to do anyway) which helped with the urge and helped see my CDing from a higher perspective. After a month my relationship with dressing started to change. I did have the urge once or twice a week but if the urge rose I started picturing the dressing and realized that the urge is more of a reflex of years of dressing rather then actual desire. I purged almost everything except a bra and a penty to not purge everything. I thought that if I purge everyithing than the urge will be more irresistible.

    Now one and a half month later the way I see my CDing, that it is part of me, and always will be, and I accept that, but I'm getting more frustration and stress out of it than actual joy and happines, so I countinue my journy without it, if I can (mybe I can't, time will tell).

    I want to clarify again that I'm not saying that anyone can stop and should stop it. I'm just saying that as everything else in the world it's personal thing, and there can be a set af curcumstances where one can stop it and still be happy and fulfilled. The question is how much you want to stop and how strongly is it hardwired into you.

    I just wanted to have a story like this here because anyone who wants to stop all he/she can read is "you can't". And although I know that it's only because wverywone tries to be helpful and caring maybe there should be discussion about stopping too if someone truly wants to stop.

    Tomi

  2. #2
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    Congratulations. I have always believed people can quit if they want to. It may be extremely difficult for some people.

  3. #3
    Member susanmichelle's Avatar
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    My opinion is just how much dressing is in your life. I?ve never done it for sexual reasons my reason is the comfort and sensual feelings I get say from shaved legs and stockings. When my legs were shaved the first time I had to continue as the growing out of the hair absolutely drove me nuts. Even now after 39 years of dressing and shaving it still drives me bonkers with the stubble pricking me everywhere. Guess I actually went a bit overboard as I have no hair on my body except for my head and eyebrows. So the feeling of shaving every two to three days keeps any discomfort I get from stubble down to a minimum. Along with perfume, body oils or lotions and the silky hosiery plus the soft and silky clothing that stimulates the senses.

    I assume it?s more like alcohol or smoking it?s an addiction. And I?m definitely addicted to dressing and the sensitivity I get from it.

    If you can quit I say more power to you. When it got to me so bad and was causing me problems with my last wife or rather that was her saying that was it. I told her the very first day about my dressing and she stated there wasn?t any problems with it. She even told her kids about it. They said they were ok with it and nothing more was said. Btw she?s now on her 5th divorce so I believe it?s more than the dressing as the others didn?t do it. I wish you all the luck if you do quit and your life is better for it. I?ve gone through all the purges guilt and shame thinking I was sick and so on but I assume the only thing I have to worry about is when it comes to the time to meet my maker and what judgment is given to me then.

    When I went to see a shrink for almost a year. They ended up telling me there really wasn?t a cure for it. If I was okay with my life wasn?t suicidal or depressed from it then just live with it. At first I was skeptical but did what was best for me. I believe I would have gotten depressed if I would have quit. I wasn?t hurting anyone else if I was it was me I was hurting.

  4. #4
    Miss Conception Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    Congratulations.... now keep that going for another 58 years... I know I couldn't stop for the last 62 years...

    PS: In 58 years i probably won't be here to hear if you made it or not.... lol
    I reject your reality and substitute my own!:

  5. #5
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    Crossdressing is something you do so if you want or need to stop, just stop doing it. In the morning when you get up, instead of putting on a bra and panties, put on a Tee shirt and briefs. Instead of a skirt and blouse, put on trousers and a shirt.

    It's a matter of will power and of course, your desire to stop has to be stronger than your desire to dress.

    I quit smoking about 40 years ago and I quit drinking more than ten years ago. If I had a need to quit dressing, I could quit dressing. Although I typically dress five days a week or more, I have no problem not dressing when we travel away from home.

    You have to learn to control your urges, not let them control you.
    Krisi

  6. #6
    Senior Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Hi Tomi,

    Good topic even though people probably think it has been covered before. If I had to guess, the number one reason someone may want to curtail dressing is because of the friction it can cause with one?s spouse. That was my case about 23 years ago. I was starting to get ultimatums from my wife and that was just about pantyhose, shaving, suntanning etc.
    So I needed to back off or have serious problems.

    The main thing which worked for me was to take up another obsession in the way of hobbies I was interested in. It did allow me to focus on other things and kept me out of trouble for a number of years. Even so the desire was still there. It was just suppressed to a manageable level.

    Of course, fast forward 20 years, and my dressing came back to a level I had never attained before. So in my case it is possible to suppress it if I really want to. The trouble is, it is just too much fun for me to quit.

    Sandi

  7. #7
    Silver Member LilSissyStevie's Avatar
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    Another way to reduce the anxiety is to say "Hmmm, it's a fetish. So what? Where's that petticoat?"

  8. #8
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    Hi Tomi

    Don?t want to rain on your parade ☔️

    Think the jury?s out on this one still..

    One thing I?ve learnt on this site is that the CD label is wide and varied in this department..

    Some are full time, full on, others not so much

    I?ve been at it for probably close to around 30 years, and in that time through availability, life, non desire, stopping have regularly gone months with no activity.

    But here I am 30 years down the line and still what I?d call as a recreational CD.

    Good luck if it?s truly stopping you aim for, but as I say jury is out as to if you have stopped.

    If you?ve only been at it 4 years maybe a good chance at stopping as maybe not part of your ingrained DNA yet, but just over a month is like coming up for air.

    I?m like you insofar as interested in stopping stories as think that?s what I want, so keep me posted...
    Last edited by Kirsty2907; 03-25-2021 at 12:20 PM. Reason: Spelling

  9. #9
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Tomi, I think you may be treading in waters that r over your head. Many here r NOT CD's. For Trans dressing as not an option they can just easily give up. Because it's part of being the female they feel they r!
    But, I'm not a trans. So, I relate to your compulsion, fetish, and sexual needs to dress.

    Let me explain something u don't understand yet. U r very young! U r going to be a completely different person at 35 than u r now. Read your post above when u reach that age. I'll be surprised if u don't chuckle at the naivety of your words!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  10. #10
    Silver Member CynthiaD's Avatar
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    Yes, I can stop cold anytime I want to. I know I can put it out of my mind and not think about it.

    But I don’t want to, and I can’t imagine anything I would want less.

    It took me a long time to accept crossdressing as a normal part of my life. Once I did, a whole new world opened up to me. I don’t crossdress for thrills, but when I’m presenting as female, I have this intense feeling of "correctness." That something that once was broken is now fixed. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Why would I want to turn my back on that? My female clothing is now just my regular clothes, and I like it that way.

  11. #11
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    Hi Tomi , I believe that Crossdressing is like the Mafia , You just can't Quit! >Orchid**OO**
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  12. #12
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    Tomi,
    Whenever this question arises very few mention gender dysphoria . You admit that at the moment it's possibly more a fetish thing , so dressing usually means sex.

    Some of us may have been through that at one time but when that dies down the need to dress hasn't that is when we have to consider something stroger is driving the need . Attempting to stop and possibly purging clothes proves not to be the answer it only make matters worse . That is the point when you know you have dysphoria and possibly need professional help in finding some answers .

    Stopping for some is impossible the suppression of dysphoria is mentally destructive . Not stopping isn't a weakness it's being honest with yourself you are trans so you have to find ways to live with that need .

  13. #13
    Member Lori Ann Westlake's Avatar
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    This reminds me of that saying: "Giving up smoking is easy! I've done it dozens of times."

    I did give up smoking for maybe five years a long time ago, then took it up again. Finally I gave it up for good sixteen years ago, and haven't smoked since. As for CDing though, I've given that up a few times--or rather, tried to--a very long time ago. Finally I just gave up giving it up.

    Even quitting smoking presents different problems for different people. I hardly ever thought about smoking since I gave it up. My wife had more trouble. She gave up smoking ten years ago, but she said she still can't help thinking about cigarettes. I guess it depends how much of the addiction is physiological and retrainable, and how much is psychological and persistent.

    Since people crossdress for a variety of motives, and often a different mix of those motives, some people will have a harder struggle than others to give it up. In particular anyone with significant gender dysphoria and/or actual discomfort with male clothing is going to be constantly under stress. When CDing is more sexually motivated, I dare say the task will be easier. But even "sexual" motivation can be a complex mix in itself: part fetishism, part something else, with nonsexual elements thrown in as well. I've found that what made "giving it up" hard was not feelings of anxiety, just irresistible temptation to repeat the thrilling experience.

    I dare say keeping the bra and panty was a good idea. Perhaps if you threw everything away, you'd be facing an empty future, a desert without crossdressing for the rest of your life, and that would seem too daunting a challenge to embark on. You'd be tempted to throw up your hands. With a few items around, you can always tell yourself "I can still dress if I want to," which makes it easier, "but I don't have to dress today. Or this week..."

    So good luck with your efforts if this is what works for you. I hope you'll continue to let us know how you're progressing--or not progressing, as the case may be.

  14. #14
    Tomi
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    Hi All,

    Thank you for all your answers.

    I tried to stress it but maybe I wasn't clear enough which case I'm sorry. I know that there are many types of CDers and I know that for many or most of them it's not a choice, either because of gender dysphoria or because CDing is so huge part of their identity. I'm not trying to convince them to stop CDing, in fact I'm not trying to convince anybody Hell, maybe I can't stop it, I don't know.

    The reason I post this thread is that I know that there is a group of CDers who wants to stop (just like myself), not because they repress it or because their wife makes them, simply because they not happy being a Cder but the urge is strong and need some guiding. And if they google "how to stop CDing" to get help or to read about other stories to not feel alone all they find is "you can't stop it's always gonna come back". And maybe to a person with gender dysphoria it's harmful to stop but maybe it's also harmful to tell someone "you can't stop, stop trying" if his true desire is to stop. I hope I'm making sense

    All I want is to have a few "here are some advice/stories if you want to stop" type of posts among all the "stop trying, just accept yourself" posts which are all great honestly and I'm happy that there is a community which encouragees accepting.

    Maybe I'm young, maybe I'm naive and 1 week from now I'm gonna tell you that you are right. But right now I believe that we are conscious human beings with free will, and the desire to CD is not written in stone just like any desire we have. And if someone want he can overcome it. And if that is true maybe not all of us wants to hear the "you can't stop it" phrase when asking for help. And maybe it's only that it's 1 time out of 100 or less, but if that is the case, there should be 1 post for every 100 post for that type of CDer too.

    Is it nonsense?

  15. #15
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    Everyone controls their own Destiny, Good luck with your choices >Orchid**!!**
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member April Rose's Avatar
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    Tomi, it is most certainly NOT nonsense. We are all different, that is for sure. I think that the one thing you can say about the people in the transgender spectrum is that there are no two of us alike. In some cases the only thing we have in common is the cross dressing. I know one former crossdresser/activist who still was attending trans social events , but who never dressed any more , because at 84 she had just lost the desire.
    In my case, though I have been attracted to feminine clothes, for my entire life, I have stopped dressing several times for long periods of time. The longest, almost three years. I had reasons to do so, and they were valid ones. If you think that cross dressing is causing you more discomfort than it is relieving, then by all means you are logically justified in doing so. Especially if it is interfering with your relationship.

    When I stopped for the longest period of time, I did so with the help of a psychologist. I spent plenty of time and thought on preparing myself to do so. Consequently, when I decided I needed to start again, I didn't see it as a failure of will or as being overcome.

    There is an analogy to the smoking thing here, though it is not exact. This is more an obsession/compulsion than a physical addiction like smoking. I too, have quit smoking lots of times. But, you know what? Eventually, years ago, I quit for good.

    I think you are on the right track with the meditation. Hobbies, sports, or other activities that you really enjoy can help as well.

    The idea of sites like these, I think, is that we should help each other. Some times that requires stopping to think so that we don't become an echo chamber for our enthusiasms. Your posting this question is a real contribution, in that it will encourage some real thinking, outside the familiar well worn paths.
    I am a vessel of the goddess. Let me express my calling to a feminine life through nurturing love and relatedness.

  17. #17
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    Look out for Pink Fog it will always be up ahead. If you still have a bra and anything else you may have hidden from us wink wink, You are still crossdressing just not as much.

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    My only comment is that anything I said in the past about quitting and stopping should be taken with a grain of salt. I am not unaccepting about my crossdressing, everyone else in my circle is unaccepting. I will never not be a crossdresser, I am simply temporarily out of action for reasons beyond my control. I will be 70 this fall so buckle up dear, it?s a long and winding road.

  19. #19
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    IMHO, a short hiatus from cross dressing proves nothing. There are many factors governing our lives. I also believe there is body chemistry/hormonal influences/psychological factors which govern responses. When I was in the army (Nam infantry) I had absolutely zero interest in cross dressing, and, basically women were a distant memory. My priority was living. If I got a clean pair of fatigue pants every three months I was happy. Footwear rotted off your feet. I got married and thought cross dressing was a distant memory. They resurfaced for whatever reason. I suspect while in the military my body was flooded with male hormones which overrode anything else. Out of the military with a low stress job and a beautiful wife I suspect there was a return of female influences in my chemistry. Just speculation like anything else. When my wife was diagnosed with three negative breast cancer in 2016 the furthest thing in my mind was donning women's clothing. My time was spent being a supportive male husband and protector. Again, pure speculation, but I suspect there was hormonal action.

    Short self imposed denial is easy to accomplish. It's the long term denial that is an achievement. But, further, I have to ask at "what cost" does one subject himself?

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    Stephanie_47, I can relate to the service experience, Early 70?s, flight deck of a carrier working in catapults launching planes. Focus was important to avoid getting hurt or worse on the flight deck. Intakes, jet exhaust, afterburners, spinning propellers, we had to keep our heads on a swivel. No women on board ships in those days, if someone got caught dressed in woman?s clothes they would probably get booted out with a section 8.

  21. #21
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    The need to stop is often driven by guilt and shame , when I discovered I was born transgendered I accepted there was nothing I could do to change that so I had to learn to stop feeling guilty and ashamed . Obviously if you have a wife /partner who doesn't approve it also adds to those feelings .

    At your age I had so much going on with my life the need to dress was more on the back burner , I snatched moments when I could , as I grew older the feeling became stronger instead of gradually fading away .

    Thinking you can stop is one thing achieving it is very different and usually it will come bouncing back just when you think it's gone away . People have various triggers which are sometimes very hard to explain but they will always be there and catch you out .
    Last edited by Teresa; 03-26-2021 at 10:15 AM.

  22. #22
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    If you want to quit, delete your account and dont come back.

  23. #23
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    Paulie,
    That's a silly thing to say , for starters you can't delete your account and secondly not being on the forum won't stop people dressing otherwise why do people join in the first place ?

  24. #24
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Tomi, much of what you say is true of some people who have or desire to crossdress. And we are all different and follow different paths. The science though says something different for most of us. Certainly for some it is a fetish while it is an absolute need for others. There is a well defined pattern that nearly all of us follow in the course of our lives. There are variations along the way and some are able to not comply with inner feelings and needs that are not just simple desires and interests like a hobby. For the vast majority the behavior has a good deal of an intermittent aspect. And determining whether something is a fetish or not is a difficult process because the boundaries between fetish-habit-need are very fuzzy and best left to the professionals.

    As Teresa points out, anyone can stop at any time but if the behavior is a need dysphoria of some degree will arise at some point. The dysphoria is really an important aspect, almost critical. If you feel dysphoric something is not consistent and your brain is creating that discomfort to tell you that you have a flat tire that needs to be changed. All of that occurs in the subconscious brain and the vast array of neural networks that have basic patterns undoubtedly set by some kind of genetic influence. As behavioral geneticists point out, all behavior is rooted in genetics - it is just a question of how much genetics vs. environmental influence there is.

    And then there is the most fundamental question of all. Our personalities and sense of self follow definite patterns - it is not just choices. I think you generally get that part. Thus, the question arises as to why, usually between the age of 5 and 10 years old, do so many of us have this powerful drive to put on girl clothes? Psychologists and psychiatrists are in general agreement that the desire that drives some to do that is clearly not just curiosity or a sexual thing. Why do some children show well defined gender reversal as young as 2 years old even before they have developed a defined concept of gender at around 3 years old? Two year old boys who refuse to play with boy toys and are uncomfortable when they have to wear certain clothes. This is likely an emerging identity that is the reverse of what one would expect based on their sex. There are things going on in the subconscious that are not even reaching the child's consciousness.

    I don't really want to play the "age card," but after 75 3/4 years I have had periods, as long as 8 years, where I had no desire to express my female-like traits and characteristics in the form of clothing. But those female-like aspects were always present even when I tried to suppress them only to create a severe dysphoria in the process.

    The psychologists have found that is a normal pattern with people who have a certain configuration to their identity, their sense of self, or as the neuroscientists call it, your personal Theory of Mind. For me, the dressing is simply expressing something that is there no matter what clothes I wear or even if I am buck naked. For most of us it is that way even though we might think it is just a desire to crossdress. It is well known that our subconscious often plays some dirty tricks on our conscious mind. Best example is the idea of "conscious decisions." Your consciousness has no ability to make decisions; it only interprets sensory input and implements the decisions that are made in the other 99% of your brain where consciousness does not exist. It doesn't even determine whether something is logical or not - that is done elsewhere and the result is sent to the consciousness to inform it of the results of millions and millions of calculations done without your knowledge or you even sensing they are occurring. Your consciousness writes the articles that are published in your personal newspaper. It is probably just communicating what the reporters learned - but it is the reporters (the subconscious) that do the hard work.

    I will be the first to congratulate you if, after 20 years, you no longer have this need and in that time the feelings never touched you. But the chances are that you do have some degree of gender reversal. It may be small; it may be large and is just growing now. But I would bet good money that it is there. Otherwise, why would you have tried it in the first place and found it satisfied something in you that was important to your sense of self?

    There is nothing wrong with that. We are all different and nobody is more or less different than anyone else. The average tends to set the normal, but the average is about the most useless statistic there is. Much more important is the variance which defines the diversity and in humans the variance approaches infinity. We are all different and therefore we are all equal. Love who you are, but who you are is a journey of discovery in itself. It is always changing, but it changes according to a vague, highly generalized genetic pattern that keeps the changes within certain boundaries that fit our species. It is like a rubber band or a sheet of latex. It can take many shapes but it does have limits.

    Keep up the creative thinking. Your posts are very good.

  25. #25
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Have you considered that there is more to the picture than you are willing to admit? No one could make the diagnosis from forum posts, but the symptoms you describe could be related to gender dysphoria.
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