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Thread: Do not take my threats to quit and purge seriously

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    Do not take my threats to quit and purge seriously

    I have been going off about my situation, my usual woe is me song and dance, and suggesting that I am going to purge and stop. As the saying goes ?how is that working out for you?.

    Not so well. I had an anxiety attack last Friday and my BP spiked. After monitoring my BP for my doctor he decided that underlying anxiety is likely the root cause of my anxiety and is going to get me started on medication. Meanwhile I soothed my soul by soaking in a hot bath, shaving from head to toe and putting on scented lotion and bikini panties. That helped so I think it will be a regular treatment.

    I just need to accept that my DADT is going to put limits on how much I can do. Better days are coming, likely a new vehicle next week so we aren?t sharing the same car, second Covid shot in a week and a half and I will reach immunity after my two weeks on 4/20. I would speculate on how an old hippie can celebrate reaching full immunity but I degress before I get in trouble.

    Anyways, my wife is antsy to get out on some overnight antiquing trips. Star will be staying home to tend to the cats. The sun will come out and better times are on the horizon. The BP is resolving by itself as the anxiety subsided. I walk over two miles per day on a treadmill and have lost 15 pounds so far since January. Star has been comatose on life support for a years. You can imagine how happy I was when she opened her eyes and started to come around.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Hi Star, Too bad on the anxiety attack, keeping your BP regulated is very important so that should be a priority.
    As for your DADT situation everyone that is in one will be different, I too am in a DADT marriage and if we compared notes we would see that.
    Exercise is very important on several levels so keep up with that. It sounds like you are getting a handle on this so continued good luck. If you find the need to talk you can PM me I am always around.
    Crissy

  3. #3
    Princess Candice candykowal's Avatar
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    Oh Star, I am glad to hear you are coming around to a better side of life, you were worrying me a bit.
    I think a majority of us can relate to you and what we go through to balance our existence in our circles.
    Keep riding on a high note and you will find opportunities to learn, take advantage of, and find time for you!
    It's not being selfish, its keeping in balance for all of those you love and love you.
    BIG Hugs sister!
    Candice Coleen Kowal ....all my friends call me Candy!

  4. #4
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Star,

    Any reason why instead of doing two miles on the treadmill you can't simply go out the door and walk two moles outside. You know, doing it the old fashioned way.

    I'm not being flippant, it's simply that getting out of the house, grabbing a few lung fulls of fresh air, perhaps pausing to listen to bird song can have a calming effect on someone.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    Helen_Highwater, I live across the road from a walking, biking path that goes seven miles south and over eighteen miles north. If I want to go for a stroll in the fresh air I have a big yard and live in a smaller town with a state park nearby. I walk inside because the treadmill is cushioned with springs and I have seventy year old knees. The path would cause them to bother me after a week of every day. I have the treadmill setup in the family room with a 55? 4k hdtv so if I want relaxing scenery I can visualize being anywhere in the world. Also, I live in Minnesota and we just now finally started to warm up. A few weeks ago the walking path was like the Indy 500 for snowmobiles and the ice on the path was treacherous. I have a big yard that is starting to green up and when it does I will be out there getting plenty fresh air. If I get the urge for the outdoors it?s not that long of a drive to forests where I might get chased by an angry moose.

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    PS, do moles have a leash law or can I just let them follow me when I walk them. LOL, I think you meant to say miles.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member Beverley Sims's Avatar
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    The trouble is these feelings come and go all the time.

    Confusing really.
    Work on your elegance,
    and beauty will follow.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member
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    Star, does your wife know or understand that your inability to express your true self is undermining your health; mental and physical? Does she intentionally do anything to give you "alone time" or is it you just waiting to seize some unplanned time? When you mention going to therapy does your wife think it is for cross dressing/gender issues or something else? I hope she does not believe you're going to be "cured."

  8. #8
    Platinum Member
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    I have read that there are three key prerequisites to achieving a personal or business goal. First it to know (clearly) what you want...that may not be as easy as it seems. Second is to seek understand reality, at least reality as it may apply to what you want. Third is to figure out what you can do to achieve your goal given the realities you will have to deal with as you seek to do so.

    This applies to fulfilling a personal need just as much as any other goal.

  9. #9
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie47 View Post
    Star, does your wife know or understand that your inability to express your true self is undermining your health; mental and physical?
    In 2007 I had a growth removed from my temple that contained B cells that resulted in every test imaginable and four years of visits to an oncologist who in the end found nothing. He had other patients with the same thing who would get one due to stress. He let me go on my way and left a couple additional ones on my back and chest as they weren't disfiguring. Those have since faded away since 2011 when I stopped seeing him. The past number of months I have been dealing with a blemish on my face and had finally made an appointment with the dermatologist. Seeing as the dentist I go to started in dermatology and switched to dentistry he is big on checking those things and I knew he would ask about it. I haven't gotten out much due to age so I find that after a year of mostly being in my home that it's stressful doing things I used to do without thinking about it. The dentist had implemented a new policy of checking BP and the stress of all that combined gave me an anxiety attack. I have done public speaking and even did television segments in 2003 so I learned how to push myself through stressful situations without revealing how stressed I was to others. When a person gets older some of those things like that can cause the onset of anxiety attacks that trigger health issues. I can't say for a certainty if my lack of opportunities to dress were a contributing factor, I have never had the freedom to dress and limit it to when my wife goes overnight or when I travel by myself and get a room. Aside from those rare opportunities I can never dress fully and in fact am limited in how much I can shop and store clothes.

    I guess that I'm probably a little different than a lot of us because I only ever see myself dressing in private and not going about my one horse town dressed as a woman. I'm a loner and don't have a "wing sister" to accompany or the clothes to make a public showing happen. Truth be told I hold myself back because I just can't wrap my head around being the center of attention for something as far out in left field (my thinking) as this. In my heart I'd love to dress 24/7 but it would never fit into my reality. Maybe some day it will get to the point where I just have to do it but I'm a loner and a loner minus my handful of close friends, relatives and families = 0. Knowing my personality which can be negative and abrasive in spite of my best efforts to contain it makes it very difficult to meet people. Anyways, I have been monitoring my BP and have an appointment for that on Monday and one for the blemish in a couple weeks. It seems to be fading but it would make crossdressing witch is already difficult just that much more difficult with that. Imagine the late Lemmy of Motorhead with those big bumps on the side of his face in a dress and it's not exactly a confidence booster. Thankfully in spite of hanging on longer than one would expect it does appear to be subsiding and there might not be anything left to show the dermatologist. I was freaked out because I went through four years of scans and tests and my former oncologist doesn't participate in my Medicare supplemental plan so I would have to start over with a different doctor or pay out of network costs to see him.

    I procrastinated making an appointment hoping it would fade away and stressed myself out thinking about it. The pandemic and not getting out much added an extra layer of anxiety to an already stressful situation. After all that it would be kind of anti climactic if this thing fades away and I end up cancelling the appointment but I would be happy if that is what happens. I am thankful that the dentist took my BP (it was over their threshold to clean my teeth) as it's always fine when I take it first thing in the morning. It was 133/71 this morning which is considered normal but I had no idea that my anxiety raised it like that so I'm thankful they caught it. I have been walking on a treadmill 2-3 miles a day and feeling great otherwise and have lost 15 pounds since the first of the year so I wouldn't have caught it as I only took it once in the morning.

    That has affected my thinking and in turn my posts and participation in this board. On a side note I have been in therapy for a year so I have all the resources to work through this. Thanks for your concern.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim2016 View Post
    I have read that there are three key prerequisites to achieving a personal or business goal.
    I worked in offices for forty years and participated in all the seminars and classes that teach how to prioritize and organize. This really boils down to the simple fact that either I demand more freedom to dress or keep it to myself and be stealth about it. To put it in context, we celebrate our 51st next week and get along fine, things are peaceful and almost zen like in our home. My wife is a wonderful person who is well liked by everyone, the matriarchal "go to" person for our whole family. She told me how she felt about it and I complied with her wishes. She is not sitting there plotting how she can stand in the way of my crossdressing and probably never thinks about it as being a factor. The only incident in recent memory was a year or two ago when she offered to take my clothes basket and wash my stuff to make a full load. I said "sure, thanks". A few minutes later she yells from the laundry room "an eyebrow pencil fell out of your basket, is that yours"? I mumbled something like "what (with a surprised tone) just throw it away" and nothing else was ever said. To be honest I have always felt like I "married up" and I bend over backwards to please her. She probably doesn't even know that, it's all in my head, but yeah, I admit that I am a bit of a mess and often am my own worse enemy.
    Last edited by Star01; 03-26-2021 at 12:53 PM.

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