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Thread: Transgender, but don't plan to transition (yet?)

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    Transgender, but don't plan to transition (yet?)

    Im sure I can't be the only one who feels this way, but as of right now I have 0 intention to ever transition. Part of it is certainly fear of what others will say/do etc... but that's actually one of the smaller issues (no one can say, or do any thing worse to me than I have already done to my self) I also have an autoimmune disease which I'm not sure how it would react to the stress it would put on my body (a very real result could be death.) The last, and maybe strangest reason is I have come to accept my lot in life to an extent, I have people in my life now who know the real me, and respect my choice to not be out publicly, but when we are alone always refer to me as female. I have even got to the point where I don't hate my body any more either, and try to think of somthing positive about the way it is now. Has any one else managed to find any amount of acceptance for themselves with out transitioning? Did you still end up doing it eventually?

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    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    I was certain that I would never ever transition. I was very successful at not transitioning until mid sixties. Yes, I kinda did transition.

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    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Jeri Ann, well you sorta, kinda transitioned! LOL
    Never thought I would go this far! On HRT and out and dressed 24/7/365 as the woman I am!
    When the time is right, you will know! Your life will become so much easier and happier!
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    At 34 you've plenty of time to consider the options , the important point is if you are happy with your life does it need to be changed ? No one can force you to do something you're not sure about , also consider it's now recognised there are stages of transition . I'm coming up for 70 next month so I feel my life is possibly as good as it gets do I really need to change my situation , and what difference would it make on a day to day basis ?

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    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Fyi, there is a subgroup here specifically for transgender and non-binary. It welcomes both people in a holding pattern (unsure or contemplating transition) as well those who for any number of reasons expect not to transition socially or otherwise. You?re welcome to join the conversation there as well.
    Have you the belief that the road ahead
    Ascends off into some lights

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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    At 34 you've plenty of time to consider the options , the important point is if you are happy with your life does it need to be changed ? No one can force you to do something you're not sure about , also consider it's now recognised there are stages of transition . I'm coming up for 70 next month so I feel my life is possibly as good as it gets do I really need to change my situation , and what difference would it make on a day to day basis ?
    I wouldnt go as far as saying I am happy, it's more I've come to an understanding with my self. The thing is, even if I did transition I'm still not sure if that would actually make me happy. But who knows, maybe as time goes on and I come out to more people I will change my mind about it. Right now it's just kind of nice to know I have a place where I fit in and am understood. I have been on other lgbtq forums but they weren't very inclusive to transgender people, and the transgender people there were very judgmental and opinionated. It's nice to see my feelings validated.

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    Transitioning is not right for everyone. It is for some, but not everyone. If you don't feel a compelling need to transition, don't! Don't let others pressure you into doing things you don't want to do or are not comfortable with.

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    Member CharlotteCD's Avatar
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    I think I'm in the same boat as you are - for me, the benefits of having family and friends around me is far more important than transitioning and losing my non-accepting family.

    They're amazing on all but LGBT issues, and for that reason I'll never transition and upset them, as none of us are perfect. They can't help a flaw that's come from their generation, and is no doubt ingrained in them as part of their role as parents and protecting me, who was clearly a trans child. In the 90s when I was growing up, everything they would have known about being trans was negative, and was setting me up for a hard life.

    I'm also not willing to transition as I am not passable, and I simply don't have the mental strength to fight back against the negative and abusive comments that I will undoubtedly receive.

    End of the day, I'm 99% sure I'll not transition, but given a situation where I no longer have my family, I'll do it in a heartbeat. I'd rather not be in that situation.

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    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Honestly, there're so
    many things in life I keep not understanding, as non-binary people but 9 had so many problems trying to understand myself up to when I gave up and just live my life trying to be happy and accepting myself was the first step. Then I struggle and wrestle so many nights with the uncertainties and fears of the future. As several here said, I was sure about the catastrophe I would cause in my family, friends, work etc.

    Early in my teens I realize that one of the greatest need of every human being is to find his/her identity, who we are and be happy with who we are.

    My dad told me when a teenager that the most important thing in life was to work in what you were happy, not matter if I would.make a lot of money or be poor but happy.

    If you see the common ground in all these things is happiness.

    In my case after looking for my identity for around 50 years, belonging to different clubs, fraternities, sport teams, all.kind of jobs, hobbies, making more or less money, the happiness was avoiding me. I learn to live without her. I didn't know who I was buy I just turn to help others because people was grateful with me and that, I believed, made me happy, but so many people pass by my side and I helped so many of them. I never saw again many of them and many forget what I did for them and happiness keep eluding me.

    One day I read something that made a huge impact on me about a survey made to old folks in hospices, nursing homes about regrets in their life, most of them express regrets not for things they did wrong but things they never did.

    As all.of you, i could feel a strange happiness dressing as a woman but that was the worse of my options to be happy. That was the more negative choice I could have, it was against all odds even think about it but the happiness I could feel doing it was the biggest I had felt before and the.need for grow and grow more.and more.

    We trans people suffer from something called dysphoria but everybody that suffer it, suffer it in different levels of intensity. I learn that my dysphoria was directly connected with my gender identity.
    There it was again that elusive thing in the life of many and in mine too. Identity. I won't get in the details on how that would affect my religious life that for me, was more important that even my own family, so my struggles were huge.

    It's complicated to explain here all the nightmare I lived in my life but the light at the end of the tunnel was to realize that the happiness for me was on living my real identity.

    After all those thousand of nights suffering evaluating the odds against I chose for my own happiness, called me selfish, I know I'm not one but my family is with me. The same wife of the last 42 years keep loving me, my three kids with their wife and one grandson keep loving me, some friends had gone so they weren't friends.

    I have just one regret, why I didn't do it before? The answer is, just for lacking of enough knowledge but there's nothing I could do better to fix that so I'm in peace and happy really happy.

    All the endless search for jobs, hobbies, sports, etc ended.

    Devi San Martin.
    Instagram @devisanm
    HRT 04302018 Full time 032019
    Electrolysis started 082019
    Orchiectomy 06032020
    Legal name and gender marker changed 10262020

  10. #10
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    To the OP:

    NO ONE can tell you what you need to do to be YOU except for yourself. There is no "Rules Committee" for who is, or is not a transgendered person. Although there are many out in the trans world who do try to dictate who is 'trans enough', they do not speak for the community as a whole.

    Live the life that is most comfortable for you. But also, sometimes, stretch the envelope to see how it feels.
    Best of luck on your journey.
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  11. #11
    happy to be her Sarah Charles's Avatar
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    I was in that camp for many, many years and while I missed out on being my "authentic self" I was able to make progress in other areas. I had a career where I felt it would be a problem to come out, so I didn't. My family had issues that needed to be addressed, so that became a priority. My kids are mostly stable and extended family have been able to move along without my involvement. More specifically, my wife was in an extended and eventually life-ending battle with cancer, and I was her primary caregiver for the last almost 7 years of her life. I was also able to develop relationships with friends who have found it easy to stand by me now that I've come out. I see all this as an investment of my time in my future.

    I may have wanted to transition earlier, but didn't seriously consider it as possible. I was fortunate to be able to manage my dysphoria and although it was stressful at times my challenge could be met. Those limiting factors that had me convinced I couldn't/shouldn't transition must have been real enough. Because now that they have been resolved at age 71 I'm relatively happy, with lower levels of stress and finally in transition.

    All this is to say your situation is as unique and any advise you get either for or against transition needs to meet the conditions you set. If it doesn't resonate with you, it may not be time for you to listen to it. You will make the best choice for you and your family. Coming here should be seen as shopping for other opinions, life experiences and cautionary tales, but neither permission or approval, that's yours alone.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.
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    Thank you all for the kind, supportive words! The last few weeks for me have been pretty great as far as opening up to people about who I really am, and you have all made me feel a lot better about my choices, and the path I am choosing to take right now. It's just really hard for me to comprehend the amount of acceptance I have been receiving lately.

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    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    I also had 0 intentions of ever transitioning. As it was I made it to 45 before I realized my mistaken thinking. Now I've finally accepted who I really am and I feel foolish for denying my own truth for so long. Ah well, at least I made it eventually. Whatever path you travel, enjoy it!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nadine Spirit View Post
    I also had 0 intentions of ever transitioning. As it was I made it to 45 before I realized my mistaken thinking. Now I've finally accepted who I really am and I feel foolish for denying my own truth for so long. Ah well, at least I made it eventually. Whatever path you travel, enjoy it!
    Wow! Going by your picture I would have guessed closer to my age! And well I have managed to accept my self for who i really am and am slowly coming out to more and more people. Just wish I didn't nearly have a heart attack every time I tell some one new hahaha.

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    Junior Member Adelina's Avatar
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    I can relate. As I get older, I think about it more but don?t know that I?ll have the nerve - until one day when it may catch me. For now though, not yet.

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    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Virtually all of the transwomen I know give the same advice - If you don't want to transition, then don't. It's difficult, expensive, and will almost certainly have a negative impact on your relationship with family and friends. The also say that, on balance, it was worth it in order to live as who they really are.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
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    Aspiring Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aunt Kelly View Post
    Virtually all of the transwomen I know give the same advice - If you don't want to transition, then don't. It's difficult, expensive, and will almost certainly have a negative impact on your relationship with family and friends. The also say that, on balance, it was worth it in order to live as who they really are.
    Maybe I am an exception, but while my transition did have a negative impact on some relationships, it actually greatly improved the majority of them! I have another trans girlfriend that had the same experience.

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    Member HelpMe,Rhonda's Avatar
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    As someone in progress and not totally out, relationship with spouse has suffered, relationship with children has become almost unbearably better, relationship with others out to are just a new kind of weird since old version of me was such an introvert.

    Internal happiness with gender has gone from negative to off the charts, even at the early stages.

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    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dorit View Post
    Maybe I am an exception, but while my transition did have a negative impact on some relationships, it actually greatly improved the majority of them! I have another trans girlfriend that had the same experience.
    I am with Dorit. My kids did not like it. My son totally recovered, and though he may not gender me correctly to others, he talks with me now about his trials and tribulations like he has never done before. My daughter still has a few struggles with my change but we are still close, just not as close as ever.

    I "never" say "Don't transition if you are not sure you the opposite gender". I do say "Don't transition if you are not sure of what you are." and "What you do when you transition can be nothing, and that is OK."

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    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    There will always be exceptions to the "almost certainly have a negative impact on your relationship with family and friends."

    Exceptions do not negate the potential for problems. When I came out to my family everyone seemed to understand and were accepting. It didn't last long. Only recently have I had occasional contact with two grown grand kids. Other than that I have not heard from my daughter and the rest of the family in many years.

    Transition can be risky and that needs to be considered. Is it worth it? Each person needs to figure that out for themselves.

    I know of several transwomen who spent time on this forum, transitioned and moved on with their lives while maintaining a marriage with a supportive, if not encouraging spouse. At least three that I can name eventually split up. So, even the best of situations may not remain that way.

    It is a shame when a trans person is not given a chance by family, friends, employers, et. because we become the best version of ourselves.

  21. #21
    Member Felicia M's Avatar
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    You are certainly not alone in feeling that way. As many have stated it is an incredibly difficult process and decision and so many factors come into play. I am paralyzed by the fallout from friends and family and what the
    outcome may be. There are so many variables that you cannot control.

    I will say I have found a level of acceptance with myself that I am happy with. I don't think at this stage I will ever transition but in the back of my mind I continue to wonder if that will change. In the meantime try to
    enjoy life for what it is and enjoy the journey that you are on. If the time is ever right you will know.
    Last edited by Felicia M; 06-11-2021 at 08:32 AM.
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    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    [QUOTE]
    Has any one else managed to find any amount of acceptance for themselves with out transitioning?
    Yes at my current age, reading the level of support found here and by walking that fine line helps immensely.


    Did you still end up doing it eventually?
    Never say never and great deep personal question for me to ponder.
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

  23. #23
    Member Amanda_Nicole's Avatar
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    I think Felicia hit it right on the money. Many of us wish we could transition but are paralyzed by the fear of losing our loved ones and careers.
    The feeling of transition never goes away even when we say never. Only time will tell!

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