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Thread: What happens as we older CDers get more aged, frail, need more care?

  1. #1
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    What happens as we older CDers get more aged, frail, need more care?

    Hi Folks

    I know we don?t necessarily want to think these things but we will all get older and as CDers how will it affect our lives and our loved ones?

    My SO are in our mid-seventies, reasonably fit (thankfully), but CDing is an important part of my life, but limited as I am in a DADT situation. We have family and have been updating our personal records, updating our wills, Power of Attorneys (a UK thing where nominated relations/reliable friends can help you when you can?t do things yourself). Only my SO knows of my CDing.

    So one evening she says ?What worries me is what if you are ill and dressed. What will the emergency services think??

    ?I don?t think they will bat an eye. They see all sorts of things and as professionals would just ignore what I was wearing and get on with their job.?

    She seemed happy with that, but it got me thinking.
    1. What if I became more frail, disabled etc, how would I be able to CD?
    2. Would a professional home carer be bothered by CDing?
    3. Maybe a time to think about full-time CDing?
    4. What would happen if I was to go into a care facility?
    5. Would I be accepted as a full or part-time CDer?
    6. If the family found my stash, how would they react?

    For the moment the chat with my SO on this subject has not been raised, but it will remain under the radar, so any thoughts/ideas/experience would be very welcome. Thanks in advance.

    Vikky
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Adventure before dementia

  2. #2
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    How you are treated will depend on how you present yourself. If you act like any normal person experiencing a medical emergency, or needing (for example) extended care, your caregivers will focus on your care. If you act like you've been "caught" at something, expect the response to be in line with that. They have a mission and will stick to that unless you give reason for them to be distracted by your behavior.
    Family, on the other hand, may (understandably) feel that they have been deceived. Is that how you want them to "discover" who you are? Ask yourself what matters more, their opinion of you, or your identity. Mind you, I'm not judging either way, just suggesting that you want to face the fact that that choice is something you are making.
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  3. #3
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    U seem very strung out worrying about these questions, Vikky. Unfortunately, when it comes to CDing there r a million others u could worry about as well.

    But, basically, they all come down to these choices:

    1. Dress in secret in the closet. Tell no one. Cheat, lie, and hide from your family.

    2. Tell only those that need to know u dress. Your immediate family and any T friends that u hang out with.

    3. Come out to everyone. You'll soon not give a dam about ANY of the million worries u have RE dressing!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    No reason to worry about medical professionals. When you encounter them, how you are dressed will be the least of your or their concerns. The important question now and in the future, regardless of your health, revolves around your partner. In a DADT situation, its her apprehensions that are the issue, apprehensions about how it may reflect on her.
    Have you the belief that the road ahead
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  5. #5
    Aspiring Member April Rose's Avatar
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    Vikky, this has been very much on my mind of late. I am 70. I lost my wife about six months ago. She was ill for several years before she passed. Because Medical and support proffesionals, like social workers and physical therapists were constantly coming and going I had to adjust my cross dressing around them. (my wife was pretty tolerant of it). One thing that helped was that even pre-covid, these people always called before they came over. It seems to be a professional standard.

    I have come to realize that, when the end comes, if it happens like it did with my wife, I will be too sick to care in the slightest what I am wearing. If it happens suddenly, that's another matter. That's a decision you and I going to have to make. For myself, I specifically chose a grief counselor trained in Gender Identity issues. I'm still working out what to do about myself now that I'm suddenly, sadly, free.

    I see you are near the city of London. By now most big cities have agencies or organizations with some awareness of the problems of LGBTQ seniors. You might want to get in contact with one of them to see if they have any resources to help you make these hard decisions.
    I am a vessel of the goddess. Let me express my calling to a feminine life through nurturing love and relatedness.

  6. #6
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    Hi Vikki , I am 78 nd myWife is 77 and that is 77 and that is something that I often think about , >Orchid**OO**
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  7. #7
    Miss Conception Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    I am 69 and really don't think that about it much but my underlying fear is that I get Alzheimers and put in a facility where I spend my days wandering the halls, sneaking into the old ladies rooms and trying on their bras and girdles! On second thought that might not be too bad... hope they all shopped at Fredrick's of Hollywood... and are about my size!!

    The perfect excuse... "Oh don't mind Karren.... he's got dementia and does crazy things!" lol
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  8. #8
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    I almost faced such a situation. When I was traveling on business to Pasadena, CA, I had a heart attack on my first day in town. I had luggage full of Abby?s finery in my AirBnB residence. Three days in the hospital with a partial blockage of a coronary artery. My daughter wanted to fly to pick me up and take me home. She said she would stay at my AirBnB. That would out me because she would find and explore Abby?s stuff. I convinced her to pick me up at my return airport. I came back on schedule but what to do with Abby?s finery? Neither wife or daughter has ever seen Abby?s finery or luggage. I put all of Abby?s stuff in one piece of luggage and hired UPS to deliver it to my office. Wife and daughter were none the wiser. It was expensive but not as difficult as being outed. did not dress in Pasadena after returning from my hospital stay. I was too busy catching up on my business.

    A year later, just a month before COVID hit, I returned to Pasadena. I liked the AirBnB there so I asked the landlady if I could return. I offered to go away quietly if that would creep her out, having someone who had almost died in her home make a return appearance. She told me to come on down, the more the merrier. And so I did.

    I often wonder what to do with Abby?s stuff as I grow older. It all is in a storage unit.

  9. #9
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    Vikky

    Think some of your questions are unanswerable (as they depend on an unknown variable, that said)

    Do you have a known and trusted POA ? If you do then at some point maybe advise them for clearing out house (so they can privately dispose) this requires trust so maybe a family member.

    Or you may just have to get to the point you don?t do it any longer.

    Or you could make it look like it?s your wife?s clothes, ie in her wardrobe to one side. All the women I?ve known talk of being different sizes and haven?t worn things in ages.

    If you go first your wife could sort things

    Some care homes are like separate apartments so technically you?d still be same as now

    Karren - that?s what we think of you now ! 😂

  10. #10
    Member Liz Jones's Avatar
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    Hi Vikky,
    I am in my 78th year with arthritis rheumatism , heart problem, osteoarthritis, Ect & i have /are facing problems -- getting tights on being one ! regarding your appearance -- i am ex fire service & did once come across two men " dressed" ( they had set fire to the kitchen -- chip pan ) none of us made any comment ether at the " job" or at the station later, so dont worry on that score. My main worry ? Having the " urge,pink fog Ect " & not being able to do anything about it........
    Since you are near London ,U/K. have you heard of us-- the Beaumont Society we have a web site--https://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/ Have a look, we are friendly lot & have a Zoom meeting each week as well as offering help, local area meetings be it small groups or larger gatherings, The other night at our zoom meeting we had a member aged 92. So do give us a look in please--- you are not alone.....
    Liz
    Last edited by Liz Jones; 04-09-2021 at 04:04 AM.

  11. #11
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    Vicky,
    I've just turned 70 now divorced and living alone , I've been living full time for three years but your points have taken considerable thought . I haven't officially changed my name so I'm down as MR . for formal documents , I do wonder how would I be treated . My other fear is how long can I keep up the daily transition and what happens if and when I can't , I would prefer to be an old woman rather than an old man but will it be possible and would others be willing to help me keep it up ?

    My medical records will reveal my gender dysphoria so is that enough to expect others to maintain my needs ?

    One thing for sure Vicky , living in the UK possibly makes it easier than most to answer these questions .
    Last edited by Teresa; 04-09-2021 at 06:28 AM.

  12. #12
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Vicky, you have brought a up very good series of questions and they are things that might be important - or not. T think it really depends a lot on the specific circumstances in place at the time your gender issues are relevant. In a medical emergency I doubt anybody is going to care what you are wearing, although there might be some note comparing among the medical people after the crisis has passed. Their job is to do their best at keeping you alive and not being concerned about gender expression.

    With regard to family concerns the more open you are with letting others at least know there is something semi-secret about you the less they will be concerned. The shock and awe can be taken care of before there is a crisis. Most professionals as well as myself agree that letting the most important people in your life know something is far better than keeping it all totally secret only to have it come out in a crisis where loved ones are already concerned and having difficulty only to find out there is something deeper and maybe disturbing to them in addition to the crisis situation. I don't think that is being very considerate of their feelings. Just find some way to let people know you have some "feminine inclinations." Some may think you are the crazy uncle in the family, but at least they won't be surprised.

    Long term care facilities are basically an extension of the medical community and I am sure or even know that personal differences and quirks in residents are nothing unusual. Their job is to make you feel welcome and comfortable and if that means letting you crossdress then they will likely allow it in a carefully managed way. My mother recently died in a nursing home and working with the staff I came to see that they are not judgemental about strange behavior in residents so long as it is not disruptive and harms others.

    So what is a reasonable conclusion? Let at least your closest family and loved ones know something about who you are in a deeper sense. You really can't control much beyond that.
    Last edited by GretchenM; 04-09-2021 at 07:07 AM.

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    To put it bluntly when the time comes where someone has to bath, dress and feed me it won?t matter how I am dressed. At that point I will have lost my independence and the future will not be a source of optimism.

  14. #14
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Being in that age range as well I've given some thought to all this.
    As for EMS if they needed to be called ... so what. They are professionals and will just do their jobs. I might regret the fact that some clothing could be damaged in their haste to provide care, but it's a small price to pay. I'm sure they've seen worse and such so ... and besides, I'm at the point where I really don't care what strangers think any more.

    As for the other questions.
    If I became ill or frail to the point where that became a consideration I don't know what I'd do. I'm not sure if I would continue or if I would surrender to the aging process and mourn the loss.
    As for a nursing home or such and going full time. It would depend. Can I take care of myself and dress myself? Do I even want to be in a home where I need to depend on others for my care. It's a long story, but I saw first hand as a youngster how such things go. How family reacts, how distant they can become, how dependent one is on the staff and how uncaring they can be. How lonely and depressing some situations are.
    I'm not sure I want to endure that simply for a few more days of breathing.

    Sorry this became so dark, but the question was asked.
    Wear what makes you feel Confident !

  15. #15
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    I am 73 and have to deal with (but not dwell upon) my end. My wife knows I am a cross dresser. She has limited knowledge of my wardrobe. I suspect if I predecease her she will ultimately find my wardrobe. If my demise was quick and sudden (auto crash?) she will stumble upon my wardrobe. If I were to become ill (cancer?) I would probably start to preen my wardrobe down to a bare minimum. If I was terminal the wardrobe will be gone before i die.

    If my wife and I were to die together I would hope my son and daughter would not change their opinion of me or my wife for tolerating my needs. I do say need as this is NOT a hobby. Recently, my kids learned a deep dark secret (guessed it) about their grandmother. It made absolutely no difference to them, but, would not tell others because it is not anyone's business to begin with. So, there is hope for me.

    As to ending up in an adult care facility. If I am lucid I suspect I would just this part of me fade away. If I lose my mental capacities I wonder if I would become demanding and want to wear women's clothing. Many times people succumb to an altered state of mind.

    Maybe I need to start preening some of those twenty plus Xerox boxes of clothing.
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 04-12-2021 at 10:19 AM.

  16. #16
    Silver Member franlee's Avatar
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    I too have considered these issues. My current attitude is that my wife will be the one to assist me and vis-versa until I can't CD any longer. But living out in this rural area and being well known and kine to so many around here it is a problem when it comes to EMS and such. I feel if I needed assistance my wife would strip me of my clothes and such while they are in route and before they arrive. No need to redress just throw my bathrobe over me if I can't put it on. And having been in the EMS and LEO role for over 3 decades I understand there are some questions that don't need answers so maintaining your privacy is mostly up to you.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Fran
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  17. #17
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Going on 67, all alone , no close friends in my region, hostile siblings 130 miles away. I am having severe left shoulder problems now, mental alertness issues, Weakness lately. even though i still work part time as a van driver for a nursing home, giving rides to people older or around my age, to doctor appts. I see myself becoming more like them now. I have skeletal issues in my neck, shoulder, hip, and left foot , and forgetfulness a lot, and it is sometimes affecting my performance on the job. I also do yard work for a person my age, that had serious knee issues, and i have a difficult time now, doing some of the work. Slowing down, more lately. I do not dress much at all now. I have no ne to help me, if i get hurt, or seriously ill. If i die, at home, no one will know or find me for some time. My landlord will have to find me dead, and i hope I am not stinking and decomposing when they fine me!! They would need to contact my brother who is hostile to me much of the time, and he would find my stash. If i got hurt, and in the hospital or nursing home recovering, he would find my stash, and i would never hear the end of the ridiculing! I am seriously considering purging it all , and quitting Alice for good now, as tough a it can be to do so. I have not dressed in a few months or more. I destroyed all my Alice pics, and all but one video. I am feeling much weakness lately, though i stay active, walk, work, and take good suppliments. Have had some very close calls driving recently, that could have killed me, or gotten me injured badly. I have a gut feeling my demise is not far off, and it is like premonitions. Part of me does not want to live though what i see as terrible times just ahead. Part of me would rather go rest in peace , but part of me wants to stay strong, for my dearest friends, my three young cats. My cats and i love each other so much, and it breaks my heart to think of them losing me, and not having a loving home. They need me. I need to make a cheap will, as i do not have much really, just an old vehicle, and odds and ends, and not much else really. I may check into one of those things that calls for help, that you wear, in case of emergency. None of us are promised to live another day, and we just don't know what day or night will be our last.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vikky View Post
    1. What if I became more frail, disabled etc, how would I be able to CD?
    2. Would a professional home carer be bothered by CDing?
    3. Maybe a time to think about full-time CDing?
    4. What would happen if I was to go into a care facility?
    5. Would I be accepted as a full or part-time CDer?
    6. If the family found my stash, how would they react?
    Hi Vikky.
    1. With difficulties. I have a hard time imagining that CDing will be my concern when I find myself in that condition, but your point is valid. You never know.
    2. No idea. But if s.he does, you can probably ask for another person to come who will not.
    3. Talk to your wife first about that, not to us.
    4. Let no one tell you you don't plan ahead! That is a good question. I can't imagine on what grounds they could refuse.
    5. In the care facility? By the staff or residents? Either way, you will probably be a local hero for a few days, after which business will go on.
    6. They will learn a thing or two about you. Is it really a problem? Not if they love you. Everyone has his little hobbies or secrets.
    Long life to you.

  19. #19
    Miss Conception Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Star01 View Post
    To put it bluntly when the time comes where someone has to bath, dress and feed me it won?t matter how I am dressed. At that point I will have lost my independence and the future will not be a source of optimism.
    Yeah.... but be better to be dressed in a pretty frock..... then they can push you and your wheelchair into the great room and park you over by the popcorn machine so you can listen to the elderly gentleman sing Dean Martins greatest hits while enjoying some refreshments.

  20. #20
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Karren, You dont have to be old and dying to love Dean Martin, and all the old great singers and songs. and orchestras. I like Mantovani, 101 Strings, Ray Conniff, Doris Day, and lots of "old peeple music."
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  21. #21
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Karren,

    I loved the part where you said, wearing a pretty frock and wheelchair parked by the popcorn machine! That made me smile today.

  22. #22
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    Karen Sutton....Good luck finding a girdle to try on. lol. Seems girls like us are the only ones who wear them now

  23. #23
    Member Liz Jones's Avatar
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    Vikky,
    I think it can be summed up in one sentence--- " How do you know what the emergency worker is wearing under their uniform......... "
    Liz

  24. #24
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    Hi Girls

    Thank you all for your thoughts on the points I made. They certainly raised a few concerns, ones that girls here of a ?certain? age have been clearly thinking about.

    For clarity I should mention that my SO is VERY conservative, and although she tolerates my crossdressing, it is definitely in DADT situation, which has been difficult giving the covid lockdown.

    I am not worried about what emergency people consider about my attire, but my SO is very worried, and it was she that raised it and would be embarrassed by it.

    My family was mentioned, and their view about CDing. They are mature adults and I think they would be OK about it, maybe shocked, but accept it. Not my SO, she would be horrified by it being known about.

    She is the one who considers my CDing as a ?hobby?. Not me, its part of me, a need, and I would miss it enormously if for some reason it was taken from me, which is why I raised in the question about future care, living in an older person?s facility.

    What line will I take in the future about my CDing? For now I don?t know, but it exercises my thoughts regularly and I will probably see a gender therapist once things get back to normal after lockdown etc.

    Thanks again everyone, and good luck in your own path.

    Vikky
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Adventure before dementia

  25. #25
    Aspiring Member April Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Liz Jones View Post
    Vikky,
    I think it can be summed up in one sentence--- " How do you know what the emergency worker is wearing under their uniform......... "
    Liz
    Liz; I actually have met such a person!
    I am a vessel of the goddess. Let me express my calling to a feminine life through nurturing love and relatedness.

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