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Thread: Sad day. A new beginning.

  1. #1
    Junior Member Tiffany in heels's Avatar
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    Sad day. A new beginning.

    Hello my ladies. I?ve posted before and come on to read from time to time but honestly it breaks my heart to see my position and read about all of you who have such great accepting wives.

    As of last night my wife has left me for good. For so long we have tried to make the best of our situation but she cannot and will not accept my dressing.

    The choice was my dressing or my wife. I chose my wife and it still seems like an obvious choice but like a drug addict, I could not stop. I tried but the occasional panty under my clothes or some hidden underwear were found only to make everything worse.

    Today is honestly one of the the saddest days in my life. I am left alone with my clothes. I look at my stuff and it just seems like I?ve lost so much because of it. I love my wife. But she cannot accept me for who I am. And the lies of trying to hide everything is what made everything fall apart.

    As sad as today is, please do not think I would hurt myself or anyone else.

  2. #2
    Junior Member paula_16's Avatar
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    I’m sorry things didn’t work out as you hoped. One door closes, another opens.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    Hi Tiffany,

    Sorry to hear that.

    Marion

  4. #4
    What a great life
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    My first wife was the same way, I thought I would louse the crossdressing need if I got married at the age of 25 but it didn?t happen and it started a bad marriage that lasted 9 years before we divorced. That too was the worst time of my life times I cried day and night hated myself for my selfish need to crossdress. Year and half later I met my second wife, First date I told her that I was a crossdresser and I was so nervous she could see it was something that I couldn't control and she was ok with it. We are married 28 years and still going strong. You will find a good woman it takes time and just be honest with her. Sorry for your pain.

  5. #5
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    I have clumsily brought two long marriages come to an end. I’m told that it takes two people to wreck a marriage, but I can’t help assuming the majority of the blame in either case. I wish I had worthwhile advice to offer, but I have nothing, except that the sun will rise again tomorrow and you will make your way because you have to.

    PS: Many (perhaps most) people that have experienced divorce will have a tendency to project their situation onto yours. Remember, each situation in unique, so be wary of the experience of others.
    Last edited by kimdl93; 04-18-2021 at 07:39 PM.

  6. #6
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    I?m sorry things didn?t work out as you hoped. One door closes, another opens
    When Ive read your post this is what I first thought too.
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

  7. #7
    Member Lori Ann Westlake's Avatar
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    Tiffany, I'm very sorry indeed to hear of your loss. It's even worse since you have a daughter. The only thing you can tell yourself is that if someone can not or will not accept you for who you are, even after an eleven-year marriage, that person is not for you.

    I don't suppose you ever got your wife into couples therapy, did you? From what you'd said in past posts I imagine she would continue to refuse any discussion of the topic. It might have helped if she'd had some therapy for her own issues that you've mentioned, but I guess she didn't. Anyway she didn't keep her end of the bargain. Nearly four years ago you said she told you it was OK for you to dress in private. So you had a DADT, which you did your best to keep, including the "don't tell" part. Yet she's walked out on you anyway. So you can't go blaming yourself for this. You are who you are.

    If she won't change her mind, my best hope is that after you've healed from this blow, you'll be free to find a more accepting partner, then you won't be forced to live this uncomfortable life any more. In the meantime, though it may seem small compensation, at least you can breathe a sigh of relief because you're not forced to keep pretending any more. As Janis Joplin sang: "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose." Until better things happen, take good care of yourself!
    Last edited by Lori Ann Westlake; 04-18-2021 at 03:19 AM.

  8. #8
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Tiffany, you have my sympathy. I've been there. I couldn't fault my ex for no longer wanting me, though; we don't get to choose what turns us on, or turns us off. I understand well, that for her, it was just such a turn off, that she didn't want to live with me anymore.
    I hope having your friends will be enough, for you to carry on, and manage to deal with this.

    I don't understand the other door opening; I've been waiting 22 years for that other door to open, and it still seems welded shut.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  9. #9
    Member JennyMay's Avatar
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    Tiffany, I?m really sorry to read what you have written. I don?t think words help much in times like this but do keep on keeping on.

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Tiffany, I'm sorry to hear that your marriage has reached its end. I know how bad it can hurt.

    I know it's not much help, but there are a lot of us here who sympathize with you and wish you all the best.
    You're not alone.

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Tiffany

    I am really sorry for your situation. Although some do have accepting wives, I am not one of those. I am definitely at risk of having the same thing happen to me. I just try to keep it out of site and out of mind so to speak.

    The good thing is that there are accepting people out there. I know for sure that if I ever had to start my life over again, I would be up front with it as early as possible with a potential partner.

    Thanks for sharing your story and hurt because it has to be difficult for you. Your story does highlight that some can never accept the dressing. No wonder some of us are so fearful about coming out.

    Good luck, better days will be coming so hang in there.

    Sandi

  12. #12
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    Tiffany,
    My 45 year marriage ended just over three years ago , so I know what you're are going through , my wife also couldn't live with my TG issues and I couldn't live without them . Time is a healer so now I have a good relationship with my ex wife and I still have my children and grandchildren .

    Seeing the clothes is not the real reason , if you have dysphoria you have to find ways to live with it , the clothes will end up being your support to get through this so please don't purge them out of guilt because the underlying feeling won't go away .

    Don't beat yourself up over it , try and see there is a new life ahead , I'm now full time and have no regrets .

  13. #13
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    I agree a great deal with what Lori and Sandi offered. It appears that you tried to reach some kind of middle ground, but her position remained quite rigid. Sometimes that one sided adjustment works, but not often. Either can adapt, but it is best when there is coordinated adaptation so nobody has to overhaul their entire sense of self to satisfy the other. In the long run, that rarely works. It is difficult right now and there is no way to avoid that, but you do have to meet at least a minimum of being able to be you. Not everything is a choice; some things are required and with those, flexibility can be hard to come by with regard to some things. It is sad that she feels the way she does, but she has a minimum as well and perhaps the combination of both of your minima just didn't match.

    Your identity, your sense of self (who you are), is something that is very hard to bend very much. But it is the same way for her. And you each had and have expectations for each other. They never mesh perfectly - everybody is different - and bending two senses of self to match sometimes is just not possible when it comes to critical aspects of our individual lives. Some things can't be deleted. It leaves a gaping hole in your sense of self and that hole is where something fundamental to you existed. You can patch it, but you cannot replace it with something else and realistically expect that patch to replace what was lost. In other words, "You gotta be you." The fundamentals cannot be ignored.

    Take care of yourself. No rush to find a new mate. You do need to mourn the marital collapse. Compatible answers for you will come. There are others here who have gone through this and are better for the result. Teresa is a fine example of a good adjustment. That said perfection is hard to come by. You might want to contact others here who have gone through this successfully.

    I see Teresa popped in here. Listen to her and consider what she says carefully.
    Last edited by GretchenM; 04-18-2021 at 07:47 AM.

  14. #14
    New Member SavannahVee's Avatar
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    So sorry to hear. Sending strength.

  15. #15
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    Tiffany,

    I am sorry to hear about your loss. Take life slowly and keep moving forward. As time goes by hopefully you will heal and grow from the loss.

    Best wishes!

  16. #16
    Junior Member atlflygirl's Avatar
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    Hi Tiffany,

    Strangely enough, the same thing happened to me last night. My boyfriend told me at the beginning that he couldn't accept my dressing and that I would have to stop doing it, even when he wasn't around. I had agreed to stop dressing and did for a while, but last week I slipped and ordered some new panties and stockings. He found out somehow (wouldn't tell me how) so he became violent, shook me and said, "Be a man!" Well, I know I don't want to be that man, that person that's masculine and gruff. He told me to throw away what I had ordered, and this time I refused. He told me, "I can't invite you over to see Momma knowing what you do." It made me realize that I need someone who accepts me and loves me for who I am, not someone who is ashamed of me. From now on, I'll be much more open about my dressing with potential mates, and hopefully, I'll find someone who likes it.

  17. #17
    Enby Member Krea's Avatar
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    Tiffany, i am truly sorry for you that this has happened.

  18. #18
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    Tiffany, first, sorry to hear your marriage is in peril, perhaps lost, maybe not. Before posting a comment I did go back to read your previous threads. Even if your marriage ends, your wife and you have a child. Based on your previous posts I guess she is about eleven. Basically, your relationship will not totally end. There is custody and visitation issues if there is divorce.

    On January 20,2017 you did make the comment your wife had been molested as a child. That fact makes her response to your cross dressing more understandable. Has she ever sought counseling? I suspect she entered marriage wanting nothing more than a plain vanilla sex life with a plain vanilla man. She found your sex toy. She saw pictures of your en femme. I would think those events are terribly upsetting for her because of her experiences. Yes, pure speculation on my part. Without counseling how will she be able to separate her past from her present. A counselor may be able to tell a wife her husband is normal with an added quirk. Just given the percentages of men who do admit to cross dressing it is really not normal (based on percentages) to find cross dressing in a marriage.

    IMHO, you're dealing with a very complicated issue that transcended more than your cross dressing.

  19. #19
    Member Lori Ann Westlake's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by atlflygirl View Post
    I had agreed to stop dressing and did for a while, but last week I slipped and ordered some new panties and stockings. He found out somehow (wouldn't tell me how) so he became violent, shook me and said, "Be a man!"
    This was abusive behavior on his part and not to be tolerated. You're lucky he didn't get more violent still. He had no right to dictate to you in the first place. I'm glad you're free of him.

    As it happens, I've participated on more than one site dealing with abusive relationships. Not because I've been involved in one myself, I'm thankful to say, but for precisely the opposite reason: because my family and others closest to me never behaved that way. So controlling behavior of that kind was alien to me, and out of plain curiosity, I suppose, I always wondered why some people behave that way--and why others put up with it.

    There are reasons for all that, which are not relevant to this thread. All I want to point out is that your ex-boy"friend" (some "friend"!) had no business imagining he could "shape" you like some object into a person who fulfilled his fantasies of a perfect partner. His hiding of information ("how he found out") was another tactic to intimidate you by making you believe he's some "eye in the sky" who can see everything you do. (Thanks to the Alan Parsons Project for that metaphor.) And congratulations for refusing to put up with his crap! Guilting and shaming are typical tactics of abusers. People like him, prone to controlling others, are welcome to go jump in the lake (says "Liberty Lori"), and you're far better off without him. Who knows what he might have done to you if you ever got him really mad? By all means be assertive about who you are, and you will find a partner more worthy of you.

  20. #20
    Princess Candice candykowal's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about your marriage, but I have seen this happen so often, it is really the norm for most who are engaged or married crossdressers, who tell or are found out.
    Those accepting girlfriends and wives are a rare occurrence, in my many years of interacting with our community.
    Those wives who do accept are either dependent, also variant, less influenced by religion or family values, or have family who are like minded.

    Make no mistake, she is going to miss being married to you. Keep the divorce amicable and you might find she has a change of heart in the future.
    The dating scene for mid-lifers isn't all that great. She may come to find your CDing was a plus compared to those who have no stress relief.
    Also, keeping your daughter informed and educated to your needs may come to find a caring and accepting person who will support you.

    Wishing you all the best during these times, Tiffany!
    Candice Coleen Kowal ....all my friends call me Candy!

  21. #21
    Member Lux's Avatar
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    My divorce was 100% due to my crossdressing. I wouldn’t change who I was and it ended the marriage. I reluctantly chose to be a single father than a married miserable person around my kids. Fast forward years later, I’m happily married to extremely supportive person and my kids and I enjoy a very close relationship. My wife is younger and I believe the younger generation is much more accepting. I could be wrong but I also get the feeling that my ex-wife expected me to “give up” crossdressing and beg forgiveness and now regrets the divorce.

    Tiffany, as dark as life seems now I can almost promise that you will someday look back and say it was for the better. Hang in there.

  22. #22
    Member Lori Ann Westlake's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by candykowal View Post
    Sorry to hear about your marriage, but I have seen this happen so often, it is really the norm for most who are engaged or married crossdressers, who tell or are found out.
    Those accepting girlfriends and wives are a rare occurrence, in my many years of interacting with our community.
    Those wives who do accept are either dependent, also variant, less influenced by religion or family values, or have family who are like minded.

    Make no mistake, she is going to miss being married to you. Keep the divorce amicable and you might find she has a change of heart in the future.
    The dating scene for mid-lifers isn't all that great. She may come to find your CDing was a plus compared to those who have no stress relief.
    Also, keeping your daughter informed and educated to your needs may come to find a caring and accepting person who will support you.
    Good observations, Candy! There is so much wisdom on this thread, from you, from Stephanie (who like me took the trouble to do some research), from Gretchen, Teresa, Sandi and others--all the more valuable for seeing the problem from different angles. It is indeed important for Tiffany to do her best to keep the divorce amicable--just not to beat herself over the head for it, that's all. Especially since this couple still have a daughter to raise together. And if Tiffany as a "man" has been the kind of father I imagine she would be, she should never have to fear losing her daughter's love. Not, at any rate, without some very toxic interference, which I hope will not happen. And as you say, Tiffany's wife may well find that for women especially who divorce in midlife, "the grass is not greener on the other side"!

    However, it's your observations about "accepting" wives and girlfriends that interested me especially. I may be biased since I'm lucky enough to have an accepting wife myself, but I wouldn't say they're so rare. It would be useful to take a poll. There are a fair number on this board, even wives of some who are actually transitioning. And that's a far harder thing for a wife to accept--a husband who is becoming a full-time woman--than the majority of plain old crossdressers who just want to wear panties under their clothes (not my bag, but many do), or to be a woman now and again while remaining "her man" all the rest of the time.

    Are these accepting wives all "dependent"? That implies a degree of coercion: "I guess I have to put up with this because I can't expect anything better." I wouldn't put my wife into that category. She always thought my crossdressing was "fun."

    Are these wives "variant"? In what sense? Lesbian leanings, perhaps? Not true of my wife either. Though a certain openminded willingness to experiment sexually, whatever that may mean, might be implied.

    "Less influenced by religion?" Yes, that's probably true. But let's not forget, scads of people today have discarded the strictures of "traditional" religions, or have found spiritual beliefs of their own. And while I'm aware that we're not supposed to discuss the R-word on here, I hope I'm not violating any boundaries by speaking in generalities, and won't be edited for pointing out that there are ways of "filtering" traditional religious beliefs by retaining and continuing to respect and treasure what is timeless and valuable within them, while quietly discarding or ignoring what is no longer useful or constructive in modern conditions. I would say that approach is true of my wife and myself.

    "Less influenced by family values"? What "family values" exactly would those be? My idea of "family values" is those that keep a family together, functioning in a healthy and mutually supportive way. Especially two parents acting as a team to raise the children they gave birth to. Now I honestly don't know what my own family or extended family, or my wife's, would have said about crossdressing, since I never asked them! Being older, they might well have been prejudiced. However, on the whole they were pretty good at keeping their families together and raising healthy children, despite any challenges they might have faced along the way. So I have a sneaking suspicion they might have dealt constructively with the "problem" of crossdressing, had it ever come their way. (And for all I know, it might have done!)

    As for "having families who are like minded," I don't know that any of them were "like minded" about crossdressing and similar issues. But they have beeb "like minded" about the "family values" I cited above.

    I suppose in the end some of this "acceptance" boils down to being "independent thinkers," and who gives a damn what the rest of the world thinks? And some of it to "variance" of numerous kinds, because Nature, thank goodness, didn't make us all the same, as though we were all stamped out of little cookie cutters. And on top of that, the fact that some wives (at least) actually appreciate a husband who has a "feminine side" they can connect with, even if he does wear a skirt from time to time. For some, it's a lot better than a husband who's totally insensitive to their needs and feelings. There are women out there who are like that.

    Perhaps a difference is when two partners are closer to one another gender-wise. As opposed to some couples where their mutual and social interests are fewer. She goes out with her girlfriends and he takes no interest. He goes out with his guy friends and she takes no interest. My wife and I always shared everything and took a natural interest in whatever one or the other of us was into. We can talk with one another about anything. That's a trait to look out for.
    Last edited by Lori Ann Westlake; 04-18-2021 at 04:59 PM.

  23. #23
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Tiffany, I have been in your shoes twice before, both times the initial periodwas hard going but as the days turned weeks and months a new life emerged.Yes you are grieving right now, rightly so but from experience there is a future for you out there. Right now you have to be strong for the future, which will be bright and good for.
    Hang in there life will get better and be good for you once again
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  24. #24
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    Hi Tiffany , Every now & then we hear this same sad story and it never gets any easier to read about it,

    I wish you all the best trying to move forward, >Orchid **OO**
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  25. #25
    Feminaut Julie MA's Avatar
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    Not to be trite, but "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end". I hope your new beginning includes someone who can love all of you.

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