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Thread: Ups and Downs

  1. #1
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    Ups and Downs

    I was out and about this morning, hit the redemption center to get rid of bottles and cans. The woman ahead of me told the clerk to ring her up, she had more in the car, and to "Take care of her ( meaning ME! )", and the owners wife complimented my jacket and hair! ( an UP, and an UP )

    Next stop, the bank where all the girls use my preferred name. BTW, they all look and dress like supermodels! And my teller and I were chatting about nails. Hers were perfect, and I have a new place to try. On the way out, a man held the door for me and I gave him a cheery 'good morning, and thanks'. ( all UPS )

    Then on to the dollar store to pick up some things. At checkout, the young male clerk, after bagging my purchases, said loudly ( at least to my ears ) Thanks, sir, visit again!" ( a DOWN )

    Now, I am living & working, 24/7, as a woman, and almost every single person at work treats and speaks to me as a female. But there are a few guys who will refer to me 'fella', 'bro', or 'dude', which tends to bring down my mood.

    And when customers refer to me 'Miss', or 'Ma'am', it gives me a great sense of satisfaction, while being misgendered ( usually by males ), irritates me and makes me depressed. Obviously, if I want to keep my job, I cannot confront those customers, but sometimes I want to shout "WTF? Do I have to show you my t*ts?"

    So, I guess I am wondering how others deal with this issue, in regards to acceptance and dysphoria.

    Thanks for input and responses
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  2. #2
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    You need thick skin.

    The day I got my HRT prescription, I eagerly walked from the endo's office to the nearest pharmacy. I was presenting female, and stopped to chat with a person protesting alone for a cause (I won't say which here as it involves forbidden topics but I was expressing sympathy with his lonely fight), and got "sir'd". Downer. Then the lady pharmacist to filled my prescription and went on to explain to me how to use the estradiol patches was so nice to me, congratulating me on my big day and offering to change my name in the computer system (I declined, preferring to change it legally first). That was definitely an up moment.

    I've been called "ma'am" when I least expected, and "sir" when I least wanted it.

    I pass better face-on than in profile. That may have something to do with it.

    Now this damned pandemic, and everything has been thrown upside down.

  3. #3
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    Yeah, I know, thick skin. I usually just grit my teeth and mutter something under my breath, like. "I'm NOT a dude!"

    I deal with the public, and see LOTS of GG's who are more petite, graceful, and prettier than I can ever hope to be. Most of them seem to accept, or at least, tolerate me, and I appreciate that immensely.

    So what do Transwomen & transmen do to alleviate the sting? Meditate? Go to a quiet place and scream? What?
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  4. #4
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    Jodie,
    I feel we have to accept that if some do it accidentally we may have to let it go but if it's intentional then we should be permitted to correct them , thankfully it's something I rarely have to deal with .

    I did mention a problem in the M/F section where I was looking for Chino trousers in pastel colours , the sales girl directed me to the male section , when I pointed out they were for men she looked slightly puzzled and then asked what size did my husband normally take ?

    The problem arises more from people who knew me in male mode , I will add I get it wrong sometimes with my social groups because I know they are only dressed for a few hours during the meeting , some get it wrong with me because they assume the same about me . It's partly why I'm considering dropping social groups , as you point out being misgendered can be painful at times , being thick skinned doesn't always work .

    What do I do when it occurs ? I try and move on as quickly as possible , often the next encounter more than makes up for the previous " blow below the belt ! "

    Human nature is strange at times , in my business I had hundreds of satisfied customers over the years and yet we tend the remember the 1% who were a pain in the butt !!
    Last edited by Teresa; 04-23-2021 at 08:28 AM.

  5. #5
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    I have been full time since last summer and these up and downs is my life. Being misgendered happens less because of the look and almost always on the phone. Even in places, where my gender is female. It does bring the mood down. It feels even worse when you don't have other events where your gender is affirmed. Think about only one trip to store in few days during pandemic. You look nice, and then get Sir'ed and that's your only interaction. Now, I have full day of gender affirming experience at my new job, so fewer misgendering events by strangers hurt less.

  6. #6
    happy to be her Sarah Charles's Avatar
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    The thing that buoys me best is the love and support from the people who know me the best. They seem to understand I'm happier now than I have been in years and years. I get misgendered often enough to remind me I'm still giving off too many male cues. The worst was my primary care physician. He has only known me as a transgender woman and has a transgender daughter, but he still referred to me as "he" when talking to his assistant the last time I was in his exam room. He was embarrassed and apologized, but like I say, it tells me I still have more work to do if I want to avoid that kind of reaction. The only other option is to just let that kind of comment roll off my back as I embrace my role as Transgender first and Woman second. I'm not sure what other options I'll have, since I can't control what everyone thinks or sees, I'll just have to manage my responses to stay happy.
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  7. #7
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Well, I think the topic or question in this thread is how we manage those ups and down so not to hear stories but to mention a couple would explain my reaction:

    Few weeks ago I had to stay three nights in the hospital for an emergency surgery, gallblader removal. All nurses, doctors refer to me as her, she, mam etc. I was always wearing that horrible gown they give you there you need to fight to cover your butt that's always uncovered. The day I was discharged, I was dressed, of course as a woman (I'm living "full time" for the last two years) I was leaving and a nurse, I never saw her before, run behind me calling me "sir " I don't want to brag about my self trust but I didn't turn back to see her because I thought it wasn't for me but she reached me and asked me "sir are you leaving?" The nurses around correct her then she realized her mistake and apologize. For me was an down and up like in the end of a bungee. I didn't have time to feel bad but later, that day at home, I was thinking, omg! everybody knew I'm a transwoman, of course! I was in the surgery room, they saw me naked and the mouth or word is runs fast..I feel some kind of sad...

    Few days ago, while we camping, I was flying my drone and a a guy from a near site ask to his wife " how does she control it?" The wife whisper something I couldn't hear. Later at night the guy came with some pieces of wood for our campfire and introduce himself calling us ladies, when he comes back to his site, to his wife he corrects his wife and I hear him saying "she is a woman, I told you" I hope he was talking about me and not my wife....lol

    Coming back home from the camping, we stop on those post on the road where they sell fruit, in the conversation, in Spanish, my wife refers to me like he, then correct herself and say she....when in the car I thank her for calling me she bit I said nothing for her mistake....

    Sorry for the long story but I love details...

    My point is this: we will rarely pass all the time as a cis woman. Last year, traveling with wife for 7 states, every time I opened my mouth I was misgendered. This year I'd been in voice feminization therapy for around 2 months, I'm a musician and I know better the techniques about pitch, Nasal voice, etc and I'd been misgendered very few times at the phone but don't make me be mad or upset, the old male voice shows up.

    I prefer to accept I'm a tramswoman and the world needs to know more transwomen, we need to be visible, not just one day of the year, March 31st, but everyday.

    Everytime I'm misgendered is an opportunity to expose myself and kindly correct the person, I always receive apologizes in return.

    I know I'd been lucky. I live in California where people is more supportive but ladies, just realize that this is not about us, transpeople will always find adversaries but the more we give the fight, weaker they will be.

    Bad feelings about being misgendered are right, reasonable.and understandable but don't help.

    Stand up and be proud about who you are! You're a precious creature and as Kay Shappley said in the Texas senate, "God made me and God doesn't make mistakes".....be proud of yourself! I hope this pride month we can go on the parade and proudly show we are proud of who we are..

    Devi San Martin
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  8. #8
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    Thank you all for your wonderful advice and replies. I guess I was having a bad day and needed to vent a little.

    Sunday, I had what I consider a major UP moment. Briefly, the Bakery Manager ( a GG ) had approached me two weeks ago and asked if I was interested in becoming a cake decorator. Being part-time, this would be more hours, so I said yes. A week later, an opportunity for a 40/hour, full-time position opened up and I applied. When I walked into the bakery on Sunday morning, the manager looked at me ad said "You B****! ( rhymes with 'twitch' ) I was stunned for a moment and asked what I did. She said that she really wanted to have me in her department and here I am applying for other positions!

    She wasn't really angry, and several times during the day, when I was there she would tell other co-workers that I was a "B", and explain why, joking. I wasn't upset, but VERY happy that she sees me as 'just one of the girls'!

    That's why I really love working for this company, because 99% of the employees accept me as who I am.
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  9. #9
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Jodie, that's a fun and great story. I'm glad you're better..
    I remember one day, while driving for Uber, a woman called me the same way. When later that day I told the story I would laugh a lot thinking on the same, she was insulting another woman...lol

  10. #10
    Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    There's no difference between what we might experience and what an overweight person might experience. This world is full of people who are broken or miserable or consumed by self-loathing. Those are the people who will do and say things to inflict pain. Your description of the people who complimented you speaks for itself. They are positive, enthusiastic people that uplift you. Don't let a loser live rent-free in your head.

  11. #11
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    Monica,
    I feel gender issues go deeper than the obvious appearance of an overweight person , most people can change that by eating the right food stuff , being misgendered cuts deeper because you can't change your gender assignment .

    Jodie ,
    I'm in two minds whether " Bitch " is a compliment or not , I understand your acceptance but I have a TS friend who runs a social group and everytime I attend she would say , " You bitch , you've done it again !" simply because I'd put a nice outfit together . I know it's in fun but it's something I struggle to accept .

  12. #12
    Country Gal.... Megan G's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    I feel gender issues go deeper than the obvious appearance of an overweight person , most people can change that by eating the right food stuff , being misgendered cuts deeper because you can't change your gender assignment .
    So what qualifies you to triage someone?s psychological discomfort/distress as ?less than yours?? Do you not think we also see obese patients in the ER for mental health crisis with suicidal ideation? Do you not believe when a person is insulted due to weight that it ?doesn?t cut deep? and effect their well being? Do you not believe that it effects how they view or see themselves or that it has an effect on their day to day lives?

    You say ?people can change by eating the right food stuff?... the same can be said for trans people you know.....we can have surgeries to correct, we can participate in therapy....and i can make this list go on and on.....

    Their pain is not worse, nor is it less than..... it?s just different and at the end of the day ?it?s pain?. Why not support them instead of saying ?we have it worse?.

    Unbelievable
    Last edited by Megan G; 05-05-2021 at 09:00 AM.

  13. #13
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jodie_Lynn View Post
    So, I guess I am wondering how others deal with this issue, in regards to acceptance and dysphoria.

    Thanks for input and responses
    This is the clearly stated purpose of this thread, how to deal with how others perceive and treat trans people who are just trying to live life without ridicule, unacceptance and taunting.

    It is a persistent problem and can have devastating effects, more than just making for a bad day, and certainly warrants discussion in this section.

    We can give advice but there is no perfect solution because situations vary so. Developing thick skin or learning to ignore unpleasant reactions by people may work for you or may only have worked so far for you.

    I transitioned years ago. I no longer have gender issues, no dysphoria whatsoever. I took care of my issues medically, mentally and legally. My life as a woman is very successful.

    I bought a house four months ago and, as far as I know, my neighbors know me only as the woman I am.

    I am confident enough in my identity to meet with legislators at the state capitol, volunteer with a Habitat for Humanity construction crew and work the rodeo. However, I still have ups and downs.

    I am on a dating site. Not an LGBT "friendly" site, just an ordinary dating site for cisgendered people. Even though my profile clearly states that I am a post op trans woman, I get more messages and request from men to meet than I can keep up with. That can be considered a high, I suppose.

    On the other hand. last week I went to my sisters house to get something from her. I never go in her house, I am not allowed. When I got there last week her four year old grandson was there. My sister came out in the yard where I was and told me that he didn't know that she had a sister so I must pretend to be a friend. At the same time I saw my brother in law hurriedly get the grandson in their ATV and go to the far back of their four acres as quickly as he could to keep me away from the vulnerable child.

    So, how did I deal with the obviously down experience? I cried. Several times I have cried. I am crying as I write this. I have developed some thick skin but there are times when things get under that thick skin and go straight to the heart. My sister was the last remaining family/loved one that I had and I will forever grieve her loss but I have to let her go. She is toxic to me.

    It has also helped to talk to friends about my experience. It actually has helped relating it here. So Jodie, talk about it, post here about it, develop thick skin if you can and cry if you must. In the end always look to the future and anticipate better things.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 05-05-2021 at 12:24 PM.

  14. #14
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Jodie Lynn ,
    I hope this does not sound flippant because I mean it heartfelt / hold your head high , be proud and the jerk at the store his ignorant comment says more about him than you.
    I know easier said than done..... Believe in yourself .

    Jeri Ann,
    I thank you for posting your heartbreaking and pain to help others .My heart hurts and I tear up when I read your post.. You are amazing, smart funny, and a beautiful person inside and out . I feel she has to someday realize her ignorance but you are doing the right thing , you should not be subjected to such toxicity.
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    I wrote a heartfelt response to this and got timed out and lost the message! Cry, laugh or be frustrated! Be strong! Hugs Lana Mae
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  16. #16
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Jeri Ann,

    I'm so sorry to hear about the insensitivity of your sister. It has to be devastating to you, because family has that capacity to hurt our souls, whereas outsiders can be brushed off eventually. I hope that someday she comes to her senses. A sibling can't be replaced. Your tears are understandable.

    Jodi Lynn,

    Nice thread. Don't let some people get you "down". Stay "up", then you win. You are the better person.
    Last edited by char GG; 05-06-2021 at 05:17 AM.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Monica,
    I feel gender issues go deeper than the obvious appearance of an overweight person , most people can change that by eating the right food stuff , being misgendered cuts deeper because you can't change your gender assignment .
    Some people are obese due to causes outside of their diet. It might not be the majority, but they certainly exist. And they suffer like transsexuals, or anyone with a condition beyond their control that society judges people for. Even if it is due to something they can control, why would it be any more right to hurt them versus a trans person?

  18. #18
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    Jeri Ann,
    I'm so sorry to read about your sister's reaction , as a grandmother her actions are questionable . I have a similar situation with my ex-wife and my grandsons , it hasn't reached the point you described and I hope it doesn't . The question is who is trying to protect who and from what ?

    Your sister may appear toxic to you as I feel my ex wife was to me but when she was alone she felt bad about her actions , she knew her behaviour was wrong , all you can do is give them time . This is true of my sister , I never thought she would accept me but she has through my mother's help but it has taken time . I try not to write people off too soon and it's gradually paying off .

    As far as this thread is concerned we must also consider it's not always about us , I know we can and do touch a nerve in others , harsh words or criticism aren't aimed at us as much as they are being used as a smoke screen . Often it's a case when we reveal our trans situation others find the opportunity to open up about their own issues , it's happened on numerous occasions with me .

    They don't have a problem with you , they have a problem with themselves , other people also live in the closet over personal problems .
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-06-2021 at 06:46 AM.

  19. #19
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Jeri Ann,
    They don't have a problem with you , they have a problem with themselves , other people also live in the closet over personal problems .
    This is absolutely wrong! My sister and her family certainly do have a problem with me. In the past, even when it is planned for me to come by, I had to message her when I turned on her street so that I didn?t have to step foot on her porch to knock on the door. The incident last week was not an isolated event. I have been tolerating the abuse for years but not anymore.

    I have a very good life. My transition has been extremely successful. I live my life as a woman without incidents. However, my relationship with my sister has been a ball and chain. Her behavior actually embarrasses me. It is true that they have issues. They are extremely prejudiced, racist, homophobic and transphobic. These are some of the things ?wrong with them?. But, these are the things that cause them to obviously ?have a problem with me.? It doesn?t make it right to explain or excuse their behavior. it doesn't keep your heart from breaking. I have addressed these things many times with my sister. Many times I have told her that, ?You are what you repeatedly do.?

    Jodie?s op was about the ups and downs of how others treat you and how to deal with it. What I must do is avoid a toxic person, not explain her cruel behavior away. When your heart has been broken it is of no solace to say that it is their problem.

    Thanks for all of the words of encouragement in this thread and the pms. I will be ok. My younger sister has always been a burden to bear. I have had to let her go. That is how I have dealt with a situation as asked for at the beginning of this thread.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 05-06-2021 at 12:53 PM.

  20. #20
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    @Jeri Ann

    Thank you for sharing your pain and I hope that you can move forward.

    Before she passed away, I confided to my sister that I was trans, and that she wouldn't think less of me. She said "I waited 17 years for a baby brother or sister, I won't stop loving you now". We hugged and cried, and I answered her questions as best I could.
    A few years after she passed, I came out to her three adult daughters and son, explaining that their Mom had known and kept my secret. One niece asked if her two boys were "safe around me"; another said that "he" was always welcome at their home. My nephew supported me, but his wife wasn't happy about it.

    The message was clear: I can be whatever I want, as long as they don't have to see it, acknowledge it. or accept it.

    Long story short, I haven't seen my nieces, grand nieces, nephew or grand nephews in 5 years.

    It still hurts.
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  21. #21
    Super Moderator Raychel's Avatar
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    So sorry to hear of the issues with the family Jeri Ann
    Life can be very hard at times. And for those hard times to come from family members that
    should be there supporting your every step.
    Well that just sucks.

    Finding peace with yourself and being happy with your life is the key.
    If they cant be in your life and enjoy the good times with you, then it would be their loss.

    I had a time when I was not talking to my brother for a long time,
    My ex-wife would ask me very often how I could life not talking to him.
    It was simple for me to answer. If they could be in my life and enjoy good times, then great
    if they were just gong to cause stress in my life, then they could be gone.
    Life has enough stresses and is too short to be dealing with that stuff
    my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress

    "Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"

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