A Man's Touch

[Christie Camelle]

As I get older and the testosterone drops, I find myself daydreaming more and more about being fully female. My circumstances prohibit that from ever becoming my reality, sadly. Still, the desire to be curled up next to "my guy" watching a movie or whatever makes me feel almost deprived.

I recall the first time I ever went anywhere fully en femme with people around. It was about 8 years ago to my cousin's house for a "Halloween costume test run". We've all done that, right? It was him, his wife, and the GG I was dating at the time. She knew about me and was my first ally. Anyway, in a moment of silliness, I sat on my cousin's lap and snuggled for a couple of minutes as we all sat around a firepit. We chatted and had a few good laughs. My cousin is a little taller than me and burlier than I, but not very good looking. It was in no way insestuous or sexual, but it felt kinda normal. It was sweet.

That night was a private turning point for me. I think I have mentioned here before that I am a dual-gender macrochimera. I have two people in my head and lately, I (Christie) am getting mentally stronger than my brother (Chris). My parents were sure I was going to be born a girl or fraternal twins. My dad even named me. Apparently, the male me absorbed the female me. There used to be a t-shirt that said something like "My parents went to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy shirt". I make the joke that my parents were supposed to have twins and all I got was this lousy body. *laughs*

I have been married twice (neither ex knew about me) and have had many girlfriends, two of whom knew/know and were/are supportive. What I have never had is a boyfriend. And as I creep up in age, the desire almost feels like a need. It isn't necessarily a sexual need, although that is in there. It's more the cuddling and being pampered and treated like I have always treated the women in my life. I live alone so I am able to be "me" pretty much when I need to. I often sleep snuggled up to a big body pillow. My current girlfriend knows everything about me, even my desires... More or less. Out of respect and dedication to her, it will never happen, though.

Sometimes, the feeling is so strong that it almost feels like a death has happened. My boyfriend/husband passed away and I can't replace him. It gets me thru the night, I guess. And that empty space inside will never be filled. I live with it.

Anyhoo... I guess I just needed to get it off my shoulders to others who might understand. Thank you all, my dear virtual friends and sisters. Much love!

[Julie MA]

Fascinating. Thank you for sharing such deep feelings. Though to a lesser degree, I too have always wanted a "boyfriend", even before I acknowledged crossdressing. I am bi, so that falls in line. I agree the hug, and touch of someone bigger and stronger than me is nice.

Julie

[GretchenM]

Christie, thank you for sharing your thoughts and the pattern of your interaction between two sides in a chimera situation. That is a very difficult condition to have. In a support group I was in back in 2012 a person who was also a chimera came and talked to us. Many of us seem to show that pattern of switching or gliding back and forth and I feel it strongly, yet we are not chimeras, at least not confirmed as such. So I do have a sense of what you feel as I have similar feelings.

Your feelings, dreams and desires are completely understandable because as a chimera there are many of the bits and pieces of two people in one person and each of those people, if they had become fully developed rather than merging, were of two sexes, two identities, two different genetic assemblages that being in one body need to get along without destroying each other. And it makes perfect sense that hormone shifts due to age would alter the equation that defines the total you.

Perhaps it is best to not fight the shifting that is occurring and explore all that complexity even more deeply while maintaining your principles. However, apparently not being a chimera myself, although I have certainly wondered about that possibility, it is hard to come up with recommendations that would fit you. But I certainly can feel your discomfort and understand the "confusion" that naturally occurs in such a situation as yours. Defining yourself must be a very difficult problem and you have my deepest support.

[docrobbysherry]

This may not be helpful in your self denial state of mind, Christie, but:

I have met countless T's at very many T friendly events and venues. As a result I've not only met, but have been hit on, nicely, by a number of male "Admirers".

I have no interest in sex activities with men as I'm straight. Yet, I have occasionally found their polite, but friendly, insistant attention to be quite flattering and tempting!

Altho sex is on the minds of most, some older ones have only wished to treat me like a lady. Simply to take me out, spoil me, show me off to friends, cuddle publicly, etc. (I am 77).
I think in a more urban, open minded local, u would find opportunities to explore your fem side with men who would treat u kindly and respectfully!

[Pumped]

I find most men absolutely disgusting!

I have thought about it and the big hairy man is a total turn off, but maybe a lean smaller built guy with a nice swimmer's body. I think the term for them is "twink".

[alwayshave]

I have thought about it and the big hairy man is a total turn off

I agree with you first statement. I just don't find any men attractive.

[JulieC]

I too find most men unappealing. However...

Many years ago, I was in charge of my employer's phone communications, along with a lot of other responsibilities. One day, there was a problem I couldn't fix, so I called in a telephone repair order. So, a guy shows up...yeah, a telephone repair guy...how stereotypical huh? Never before in my life had I ever even begun to think about having physical relations with another guy. But this guy...he caused a reaction in me, inside of me. I couldn't describe it to myself even if I tried. I was professional and polite, but I had to excuse myself when I could.

The next morning (Saturday), I was in a grocery store mulling about the feelings I'd had the prior day, and thinking to myself, "I wonder...?" And here I am surrounded by what the world has to offer in the form of Mr. Saturday Mornings in all their scruffy beards and sweatpants. That shut down that thought _really_ quick! hahaha

Still, I like to think of myself as 99.9% hetero...except for that .1% in case Mr. Telephone Repair Guy ever shows up.

[Jodie_Lynn]

I think the term for them is "twink".

A 'twink' is a young, effeminate male, who generally assumes the 'female' role in a homosexual relationship.

[docrobbysherry]

The term "twink" is short for twinkle toes. We used that term in the 50's for wimply men!

[AngelaYVR]

A friend of a friend of mine is gay and has made it clear that he fancies me something rotten. He will hold open doors, help me with my coat and generally be quite chivalrous. I will honestly admit I find the attention to be quite flattering while having zero sexual interest in men. It is perhaps because that it is infrequent that I find it welcome, if it were a regular occurence I feel I would tire of it quite rapidly. As it is, his actions reinforce the the deep seated feelings I carry about with me, just as surely as the dress and makeup do.

[Karren H]

Lately, I do not want anyone to touch me!

[Sabine Janus]

Med are disgusting, i have no idea why women put up with us.

[MonicaPVD]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Attention and validation are exceedingly powerful forces. That our society has been taken over by social media is just one example of the absolute power of attention and validation. Those of us who strive to look or feel like women may, at some point, enjoy these forces coming from a man. Whether or not you are physically or sexually attracted to a man is irrelevant. The fact that your presentation as a woman is somehow appealing to a man can easily trump your intrinsic hetero fears. That's OK. Enjoy the moment. Carry on.

[Star01]

The idea that there are straight crossdressers who aren?t gay or at least a bit bi curious is still hard for me to comprehend. I can?t imagine wearing dresses and lingerie and not ever entertaining the thought.

[Denice]

The idea that there are straight crossdressers who aren?t gay or at least a bit bi curious is still hard for me to comprehend. I can?t imagine wearing dresses and lingerie and not ever entertaining the thought.

Yeah. The thought has crossed my mind

[Lacyfem]

I fully understand your feelings as at one time my dressing was just for me and my being as attractive as I can mostly for me. That changed awhile back when I realized that my sexuality was changing also as I more and more wanted to be attractive to a man, not all men of course and I think our ability to put ourselves out there now on the internet has definitely helped change how I think. I still find women attractive and so love admiring them when they are dressed well and don't find men attractive as a male but when dressed and I become Lacy it's hard to explain but I then do find men attractive but not all men again. As in real life we are not attracted to all of the other sex anyway so finding the right man is a challenge and I've managed to find a few boyfriends now that Lacy can enjoy. 99% of women want to attractive to men so find it interesting for those here who love emulating a woman have no interest in being attractive to them as again it's part of being a woman. As it doesn't mean you have to sleep with them but when a man finds me attractive I've succeeded in becoming the woman I love being inside and out.

[oh to be rachel]

Never thought much about men sexually, but at a Halloween party where I went dressed as a woman several years ago, I was groped many times from various men. I was completely freaked at the time.

As I roll the events through my head now, I wonder if my reaction was a sign of my vulnerability. What would have happened if someone really pressed it. I don't know what might have happened.

On the other hand, it can suck to be a woman. Some men are total asses. Given me a whole new view of the me-too movement.

[DianeT]

I was always astonished that men could grope women (or men) they didn't know or were not intimate with. It is such a possession of the other human being, such a reduction of her/him to a thing at your disposal. I can't wrap my head around it. Even in private it's rare I grope my wife (I used to do it more when younger), I realized a few years ago that it wasn't an innocent thing to do and try now to tread more carefully. I never did it in public however, because she's not my thing. Groping is a "Man's touch" that most (probably every) women has experienced, especially when younger. Women don't usually talk about these things. But if a group of women starts talking, then you realize (and they sometimes realize too) that they all faced such situations one way or another. My wife revealed to me a few years ago that she was routinely groped in crowded subways, where pervs think they can't be busted easily. When she told me that, many, many years into our relationship, I felt very ignorant of what her life really had been, and wondered how many husbands didn't know either what their wives were going through.

[MissSixties]

Groping is wrong. Never done it in my life , however when i dress up in something nice and go to a gay club and a guy touches me i am not offended, morally wrong but i assume they think well why are you here?
On the subject i have been wanting this next level for a long time now, done the kisses and hugs a little play but want to go all the way, the plandemic slowed the time line up , lockdown and mask wearing is not conducive to doing a lot

[Rachelakld]

So true Christie
my female side never really had sexual thoughts for the first 50 years, it was always about being out, shopping, doing normal daytime public stuff, but lately... the thought of being dated by a guy and maybe even bedded isn't unappealing anymore (luckily for me, she's very fussy and she's not actively looking for a date)

[Nadia Wren]

My best friend passed away 10 years ago.

When we were in High School, we would kiss in public just to be defiant. There was a couple times that we had what could be considered homoerotic moments, without any touching.

As i get older, I find myself fantasizing about him when I'd like 'A Man's Touch.'

I had a stash when he was alive. My stash has since grown in the years since he passed. There is a lot brought up about getting caught on this site. If there was one person to out me, I wish it was him.

If hind-sight is 20/20, I'd welcome his touch. His widow is the only other person I told about my dressing, aside from my SO. The fantasy's of him have only recently surfaced.

I guess it's good because it is a fantasy and not a regret.

[SaraLin]

I'm with Cheryl T.

It's the idea of being on a date - with me as the female half, is very appealing. It's not about sex. It's about being seen, treated, and feeling like a lady. It's the little things I'd love, like having the door held for me, holding the chair for me, compliments on my hair or outfit or whatever, MAYBE even a little light flirtation - but it's not necessary.

I have a GM friend who fully accepts my feminine side and if I were able to get a "kitchen pass" would almost surely be willing to do to dinner with his adopted sister (me). But I don't see that ever happening. My wife would have a major fit at the very idea of me leaving the house dressed. To go out on a "date" - even a friend date - would be ten times worse.

I can understand her point of view and would never do it to her. But the dream persists.

[Kelli_cd]

I'd much rather dress up and be found attractive by a lesbian!

[FrannGurl]

Each and every one of us is different, but since my divorce about 10 years ago, I have been dating men and enjoy it very much. I had been with a few before that, but wasn't quite sure how I felt about it until after my divorce. I've even had two long term relationships since then with men that lasted several years. For me, it's not just the physical attraction to men, but the attention and the company. A man who is a gentleman, is kind, affectionate, has a good sense of humor, ect. are all things I find attractive about them. I will definitely say without a doubt though, that I find many of them to be complete jerks who I could do without, which is about the nicest way I can say it on this forum. I'm not a born female of course, but it gives you a good sense of how it must feel to them.

[docrobbysherry]

Jodie Lynn said this:

"BUT, if you are a crossdresser, dressing for your own pleasure, you may find the attention of men to be uncomfortable. You have to examine the motives for doing what you do"

Yes, I dress for own pleasure and am out a lot. And, I'm clear about my motives. When men r pleasant and flatter me, I enjoy it and tell them so. But, if they hang around I quickly and with no uncertainty explain I'm NOT into men! That generally discourages them. It is NOT my fault if they don't understand "No!"

U simply have to be honest and open with the men u meet and not play games with them. That's exactly what I want from the women I'm attracted to as a man!