As I get older and the testosterone drops, I find myself daydreaming more and more about being fully female. My circumstances prohibit that from ever becoming my reality, sadly. Still, the desire to be curled up next to "my guy" watching a movie or whatever makes me feel almost deprived.
I recall the first time I ever went anywhere fully en femme with people around. It was about 8 years ago to my cousin's house for a "Halloween costume test run". We've all done that, right? It was him, his wife, and the GG I was dating at the time. She knew about me and was my first ally. Anyway, in a moment of silliness, I sat on my cousin's lap and snuggled for a couple of minutes as we all sat around a firepit. We chatted and had a few good laughs. My cousin is a little taller than me and burlier than I, but not very good looking. It was in no way insestuous or sexual, but it felt kinda normal. It was sweet.
That night was a private turning point for me. I think I have mentioned here before that I am a dual-gender macrochimera. I have two people in my head and lately, I (Christie) am getting mentally stronger than my brother (Chris). My parents were sure I was going to be born a girl or fraternal twins. My dad even named me. Apparently, the male me absorbed the female me. There used to be a t-shirt that said something like "My parents went to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy shirt". I make the joke that my parents were supposed to have twins and all I got was this lousy body. *laughs*
I have been married twice (neither ex knew about me) and have had many girlfriends, two of whom knew/know and were/are supportive. What I have never had is a boyfriend. And as I creep up in age, the desire almost feels like a need. It isn't necessarily a sexual need, although that is in there. It's more the cuddling and being pampered and treated like I have always treated the women in my life. I live alone so I am able to be "me" pretty much when I need to. I often sleep snuggled up to a big body pillow. My current girlfriend knows everything about me, even my desires... More or less. Out of respect and dedication to her, it will never happen, though.
Sometimes, the feeling is so strong that it almost feels like a death has happened. My boyfriend/husband passed away and I can't replace him. It gets me thru the night, I guess. And that empty space inside will never be filled. I live with it.
Anyhoo... I guess I just needed to get it off my shoulders to others who might understand. Thank you all, my dear virtual friends and sisters. Much love!
