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Thread: Marriage before the tell. . .

  1. #26
    Struggler with CDing Pixie_94's Avatar
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    From all that I see I doubt I'll even get married. Quite a complicated situation.

  2. #27
    Aspiring Member
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    coming out to my wife was the biggest mistake i ever made in my life.
    overnight we went from a marriage made in heaven( abet me living a lie) to a marriage of convienance
    also i lost my wife's trust something that can't be totally regained

  3. #28
    Member Cacique82's Avatar
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    I told her 8-ish years into marriage, together 16 yrs total at that point. She always knew I liked seeing her in lingerie and often bought her some things. I?d always had a few panties-my own, I kept for myself but late one night I told her and she was fully accepting. She understood and really didn?t seem surprised. After that I did take things slow and told her I had some stockings and panties. Eventually I told her I wanted a chemise and a nightgown. Totally ok with it. I feel blessed. This was about four years ago.

  4. #29
    Senior Member Angela Marie's Avatar
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    I told my wife on our second date. My first wife did not know, although that was not the cause for our divorce. But knowing her she would have gone off the rails. My wife knows, and while she is not crazy about it accepts it. She has gone out with me a few times dressed but that was a step too far for her. I understand her feelings and do not try to push the envelope. Telling her upfront was the best move to make. Not only for me but for her as well.
    Last edited by Angela Marie; 05-10-2021 at 04:20 AM.

  5. #30
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    Giselle this is my biggest fear.

  6. #31
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    When I got married, I hadn't crossdressed in ten years, so I thought that perhaps I had either outgrown it, or 'beaten it'; so I saw no reason to ever bring it up, any more than you would tell a future wife that you shoplifted some chocolate bars when you were a kid, but hadn't stolen anything since then, so why bring up something that has no bearing on the present or future?
    But all that was going on, was my mind had buried the crossdressing desire deep in my subconscious. Years later, when stress overcame my mind's ability to suppress it, out came the desire to crossdress, front and center, insisting that I be the girl I was supposed to be, and dress up again. Unable to resist, I ordered some clothes online to a private mailbox, and dressed in private, always wondering what I would say if I was discovered. Over and over I went in my mind, what I would say, always coming to the conclusion that all the good things about me would surely overcome this one little thing, crossdressing.
    Oh, how wrong I was. Back then, I didn't understand that sexual attraction isn't based on anything rational, that it's a deep seated thing that most people don't understand at all, that they just chalk it up to 'chemistry'.
    And when my wife discovered some lingerie I accidentally left in sight, she blew a gasket. She thought that I was having an affair, and asked who it belonged to. I had only seconds to decide which way to go; lie, and let her think I was cheating on her, or tell the truth. I made a fatal mistake. I told the truth. A few years later, in therapy, she admitted that had she known, she never would have married me. So the end result was the same, alone again, naturally.
    I don't fault her for divorcing me, but I do fault her for blackmailing me during the divorce for all our assets, threatening me with being outed to my family, everyone at work, and all my friends.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  7. #32
    Member nancy58's Avatar
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    I did not tell until 12 years into the marriage. It was not until then that what had been a passing sexual fetish became a dominant force in my life. I was unhappy with my job, overwhelmed by the challenges of rearing an 8-year-old with recently diagnosed ADHD, and feeling unfulfilled in my marriage. We survived as a couple -- 29th anniversary is coming up this summer -- but I wish that I had had the confidence to broach the subject early in our dating relationship. Or, for that matter, that I had been willing to explore the whole thing 35 years ago when I was in no relationship at all. Had I been able to get beyond the self-recriminations, perhaps I would be a trans-woman now instead of a mostly closeted crossdresser. But anyway, with 20/20 hindsight, you're better off to get all of the possible deal-breaker issues out in the open with your SO before you commit to marriage.
    Last edited by nancy58; 05-15-2021 at 06:44 PM. Reason: I thought I was responding to someone else's post, not my own.
    Nancy
    "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life that you love, you have to find the courage to live it." -- John Irving

  8. #33
    Member SissieScott's Avatar
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    Lexi, I had that happen with an ex girlfriend...told her early on....she had 100% no issue and at times would encourage me. FINALLY I can be myself.....the *secret* is gone!!! Well until the break-up and was scorned......the only way she could hurt me was to TELL.......and she DID........EVERYONE complete with PICTURES! Looking back now...... Quite possibly the BEST thing that ever happened to me! Everyone knew all at once, and no painful explanations 55x over. It helped with my self acceptance and 99% didn't care, with some even saying WELL DUH!!!! Not only that, my next relationship started on a dating site. We spoke for 3 weeks prior to meeting. After dinner on our first date, we sat and talked about EVERYTHING, including my crossdressing. 17 years later we are still together and celebrating 16 years of marriage in June! She is fully supportive and helps me pick out make up and sometimes she will surprise me with a sexy outfit that she knows I would like, but what SHE wants to see me in.

  9. #34
    Claire M Claire M's Avatar
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    Before I met my wife, only dressed in my Jr. High and early High School years and only fully dressed a handful of times. Usually it was just slipping into some of my sister's underwear if they presented themselves. I didn't dress at all and really didn't think about it much for about 14 years ... until about 3 years after we got married. So to me there wasn't much to tell beforehand. It was a phase I had gone through when I was a kid that had been over a long time ago (almost 10 years) and I no longer had any interest in.

    Unfortunately, when I started again it was "just this one time" which snowballed into a small stash of panties I could slip into occasionally, then to a small wardrobe. Unfortunately she found me partially dressed on day. We talked about it very briefly then it fell off the table into one of those "unspoken" subjects and has for the most part stayed there for over 30 years.

    I think it much easier to live with the silence than to bring it to a head and live the rest of my life without her.

  10. #35
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    An addition to my original comment about not telling as I didn?t know it was going to come back. I have commented on my DADT and is likely sounds worse than it actually is.

    My wife and I take a lot of small mini vacations and trips separately as we have three cats. Someone has to stay home to maintain order and feed all these critters. She has booked an August vacation and I often make car trips for sports, photography and songwriting. Basically I have a lot of freedom to come and go under normal circumstances. The pandemic was making it difficult and now that restrictions are being lifted and I solved vehicle and health issues the future is much brighter. That is the way my wife respects our DADT, if I want to go to Indiana for an auto race no questions asked. Every so often we both go on a big vacation together but we give each other plenty of space. The problem at least for me was the pandemic as my DADT is flexible under normal situations.

  11. #36
    Super Moderator Raychel's Avatar
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    We were 12 years into a bad marriage before I told her
    I never felt that I could trust her with my secret.
    That should have been a huge red flag there,
    No feeling of trust right from the very start.

    Anyways, I did tell her finally, we had some more rough times, but did continue on with the marriage for
    another 11 years, Until I finally got to my breaking point.

    There was several life events that got me to that point
    But honestly the crossdressing was not a huge issue,
    There was a lot of other issues with the marriage from the very start.
    Even with a bad marriage we did survive thru the crossdressing
    It was the many other things that killed it

    If there is true love, Trust and understanding from the start, this does not need to be an issue.
    and is you are 100% sure this is not a phase you are going thru You should be totally open and honest

    just my thoughts.
    Last edited by Raychel; 05-16-2021 at 10:47 AM.
    my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress

    "Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"

  12. #37
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    When my now why and I decided to move in together, I told her as I wasn't going to hide anymore. She is accepting, if not encouraging.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  13. #38
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    I have cross dressed for most of my life and it was not something I shared with my wife to be back in my 20's, I kept it secret for most of our marriage, or so I thought, she had found some of my things but decided not to say anything, until one day she caught me out and we had the conversation. The reason I hadn't shared was because she loathed any men who dressed in women's clothes, drag artists etc, so it never came up

    When she found out, she didn't want to engage or try to understand, she was embarrassed and worried that someone who knew her might find out, so the only good thing to come out of it was that I didn't hide my things anymore, the marriage finally ended, not because of my dressing, but I guess overall it didn't help and I promised myself I would be upfront next time

    It has to be part of my life, my new partner knows and is accepting, she bought me my first panties recently, all on her own as a present, that was really nice

  14. #39
    Call me a cab...ernet!
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    My story is similar to Karren’s. When thinking about back then (I was married in the early 1980’s), girls like us had no resource to consult regarding our dressing. There was no internet groups like this where we could gain a better understanding of what is a life-long desire. I thought, or maybe hoped, that when I got married this desire would just go away. I can truly say I never thought I would be doing it through the age of 60. So while I wish I would have told my wife before I got married, I had no understanding of this need or its enduring implications. Flash forward 17 years into the marriage we were going through a rough spot and she found some of my panties and accused me of having an affair. When I told her they were mine, her first response was “can’t be, those are too small?. So I tried them on to show her (just barely gave her a glimpse under my guy pants). Initially she was accepting and even bought me a few pairs of panties and I slept in bed with them. But that waned after about 6 months and I take the blame because I think I was more like a kid in a candy store about it and wanted to wear panties every night to bed. Flash forward another 20 years and we have been more a DADT situation. We have brief moments of when it becomes a topic of discussion, but mostly silence exists around the topic 99 percent of the time. In one of our last discussions my wife said “I wish I never knew about your dressing”. How painful that is. I almost avoid the conversation now as it always leads to her trying to convince me to stop and me saying “not possible”. But acceptance, or a minor amount of acceptance, is what most of us want and need(at least what I know I want and need). That doesn’t mean I want to come out to other family members or friend because I don’t. But I would love to be more open about it (like telling her I’m in Macy’s buying lingerie, or that I’m taking a cute nightie on my trip with me).

    So now, I am less discreet. My lingerie is not hidden as much as it is placed in areas where she can easily find if she looks. My panties are in my underwear drawer with my male briefs, leggins, slacks on shelf with male jeans. While she was gone for a week, I bought heels and lingerie and clothes and did not hide the packages and know she saw them. It’s getting time for me to again broach the subject and discuss again with her as I feel it becoming a barrier in our relationship.

    In the end all I can say is this is a challenge for all. When I told her I know I transferred a lot of the weight of this to her.
    Last edited by Brandybea; 05-30-2021 at 08:21 AM.

  15. #40
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
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    hello Sabine,
    I had been married for about 2 years before cross-dressing found me again. There was nothing to tell before then.
    luv J

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