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Thread: Marriage before the tell. . .

  1. #1
    New Member
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    May 2021

    Marriage before the tell. . .

    Curious what the relationship between the marriage before the spouse knew and the reaction.

    Obviously this applies only to people who told the spouse AFTER the marriage.

    I would assume that if the marriage was rocky to begin with that this could be the killing blow, but if the marriage was good before that there might be a rough patch, but it would survive.

    In no instance could I imagine a BAD marriage suddenly improve witht he disclosure of this particular "hobby"

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member
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    Apr 2016
    You always think you can stop dressing. I was married for 11 years before I told my wife, more i blurted it out. I was going through some stressful times and everything came surging foreword. She took ot very well. We talk for a couple hours. I told her that i wanted to start dressing again. She agree and the next day i was off to the races and haven't looked back. She still doesn't want to see me dressed (that's ok). We talk about it occasionally. Overall life is good.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    South Western PA
    I did not tell... for over 25 years. Never planned to tell either but she discovered some of my things I had left that morning in the closet. I was out on a business trip fully enfemme since I did not have to meet anyone and she called me on the cell.... boom! So I told her. lots of crying... she was upset too! Thought she was going to leave but she didn?t. That was 17 years ago and it has been rough at times. She still hates my hobby but as long as I keep it out of her face she is ok with me as her husband. Still have not regained that trust I lost with her on that day. It is all y fault. Should have told her before but in the 70s was not exactly acceptable to do this. Still my fault and wish she had never found out.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Jun 2017
    Central Fla.
    Well, let's see...

    In my first marriage, I didn't tell her before we got married. Then came the day she found my (tiny) stash. Lots of tears, talks, and more tears later - I thought she'd come to accept this part of me. But then one day while helping me shop for something pretty, she made the comment "I must be as sick as you are." Eventually the marriage crumbled.

    I remarried, and again didn't tell her up front. I stupidly thought (again!) that love would overcome the urges. I was wrong and eventually had to come out to her. She seemed OK with it, and we had some good times, but this marriage was doomed from the start. She had told me the truth when she said she couldn't seem to stay with one man for more than three years. Of course, she blamed my dressing, but we both know better. Ah well.

    After that, I resolved to tell anyone I got involved with before things got too serious. I dated some. None of the ladies went running for the hills, but most of them were not looking for what I had to offer and moved on.

    There was one lady I loved dearly and who wholeheartedly accepted my feminine self. We might have married, but she had a bad drinking problem and wasn't interested in stopping. I wasn't going to allow myself to go down with her, so we had to part ways. She would still call me "girlfriend" whenever we talked - no matter how I was dressed at the moment.

    After a few years of getting to know and accept myself better, I met my current (AND LAST!) wife. She knows but isn't on board with all of it. We have a set of ground rules about my dressing. Of course I would like more freedom, but I respect her feelings too, so a compromise is only fair.
    Last edited by SaraLin; 05-07-2021 at 06:54 AM. Reason: clarity

  5. #5
    What a great life
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Central US
    My first marriage I didn?t tell I thought I needed to get married because that was why I crossdress. I finally told her she said I would have to find someone else marriage lasted 9 years.
    Second marriage I told her on first date and she said If that means that much to me she could live with it thats been 29 years last month. Life is good

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member
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    Jan 2012
    I have lived alone for many years. Never ever thought that some day it would have one great advantage. The freedom to dress at home all the time.


  7. #7
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    It applies to both those who tell before and after. I never really told my first just sorta emerged over months after we married. As long as it stayed a bedroom thing it was tolerated and wasn’t a major factor in the divorce.

    In the case of my second wife, I told her what I believed to be true at the time, which was that I was a cross dresser, but had no inclination to dress fully nor to go further. Over time, that perception of myself changed for whatever reason. That change over time along with other behaviors eroded trust and, in her eyes, made me someone other than the person she had married 16 years before.
    Last edited by kimdl93; 05-07-2021 at 08:52 AM.
    The women are lovely,
    the wine is superb.
    But theres something
    About the song that
    disturbs you?

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    Aug 2018
    I married in 1970 at around 19. I didn?t know that the kink I was involved in at 12 was going to ever come back. At the time I could say in good faith that I didn?t think there was anything to reveal. That?s how this works for some of us older ones who grew up when it was not accepted by society. Many of us found ourselves getting hit by the urge to dress in our 40?s and beyond and only then did we realize it was even a thing. That has been my experience.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
    I had dressed early on and quit when I got married to my first wife. That marriage broke up for other reasons and I got married to my current wife. We have been married for 38 years. A few years ago I started traveling for my job and that made dressing possible again. Of course I got sloppy and she found out. It was a struggle for maybe a year. I purged and promised to stop. I was miserable and she noticed it. One day we sat down and talked and she gave her blessing to start dressing again and she explained I was in a better place mentally while dressing, so go ahead, but she didn't want to see it. This slowly evolved to me dressing when she is home, and she even shops with me now.

    We had a great relationship before and still do and I am certain that is what got us through it.

  10. #10
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    Tired to broach the subject before marriage.
    She would wear a nice dress and pantyhose and we'd start fooling around. I would make a comment on how great it must feel to wear stockings or would ask how it felt to wear a dress but she failed to take the opening.
    About 10 years married and she finds photos and goes silent for 3 days. Finally I get her to talk and she asks "who is she?". Who is who I ask. "Her" is the reply. Round and round till she finally says "the woman in the pictures I found" and shows me. I start laughing ... didn't go over well ... and say "that's me".
    "yeah right, WHO is SHE !!"
    Ok, wait here and off I go to get my stash. Then I show her. Let's see, brown cowl neck dress, chocolate stockings, brown platform shoes, long brown wig ... see, I wasn't cheating, it was me. Then I wait for the shortness of breath, heart attack and her collapsing on the couch. None of that, no yelling, no screaming, no throwing stuff happens. I simply get the age old question ... WHY?

    Well for a few weeks we talked and cried ... lots of crying (ME) and she never left. Now she's fully accepting and we are closer than ever and I no longer steal time from her to dress. I dress and spend all that time with her.
    I'm one of the very lucky ones....
    Wear what makes you feel Confident !

  11. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    I met my wife when we were in the army. I had not worn any women's clothing in years. I did think whether I should bring up some youthful activities I had not done in many years. At the time it was just a fleeting memory. So "What would you do?" Sounds like that television show. I just chalked it up as a distant memory. After marriage the desires crept back. I love the feel of nylon. I loved adorning my wife in sexy lingerie. One night I tried on one of her nightgowns which was the one I bought her. She walked in on me in the kitchen sipping a glass of water with it on. She asked why? I told her I liked the feel of the nylon. We did end up buying me several nighties and some hosiery. It was treated as nothing more than some bedroom kink. After a while I started buying nylon full slips. I did not try to hide them. They were kept in a box in the bottom draw of my armoire. About 1983 our second born child, a daughter, opened the draw, the box and yanked out a vivid red Vanity Fair bra I had bought. My wife asked "Why would a man buy a bra when he has nothing to pack into it?" Valid question. That's when the wheels fell off the bus. It was a rough time. I did bring up the fact I had tried on my mother's clothing in my youth. She thought I should have disclosed that fact. "Lying by omission?" Guilty? Guilty of not disclosing some youthful behavior I thought had gone into the history books? Debatable? She had not disclosed some very sordid details after we were married which probably also fall under "lying by omission." She said it would have been two-faced to throw me out (end the marriage). She said, she had wished she never told me of her sordid past because it would have made it easy for her to just walk away. Thirty years after we were married she found out some of my issues dealt with killing people and watching fellow soldiers killed. That was alright. Rather be married to a combat infantryman with all its baggage than a cross dresser? So, we do not talk about either subject.
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 05-08-2021 at 12:04 PM. Reason: spelling

  12. #12
    Senior Member JocelynJames's Avatar
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    Jul 2012
    Gardner , MA
    My first marriage failed and she never knew I dressed. I feel every marriage has secrets, but the bigger the secret , the more stress keeping it. On my second ( and final) marriage now. I told her 5 1/2 years into the marriage. I was a typical marriage before that though. Work , family , vacations , ups and downs ,etc. I only had a few items and dressing would be very intermittent . She told me after I ?fessed up that she never knew or even suspected , that I seemed very much the ? manly man? . I think that was partly why she was mad for a bit- I had been ?lying? for about 7 years. We?re a much stronger couple now as a result. She fully agrees and says our love is deeper than previously as well.
    If you only knew the power of the pink fog! ~Joss

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Feb 2017
    Hi Sabine, I told my wife 36 years into our relationship. It took me years to build up enough courage and cross that bridge. That was 17 months ago. It sure rocked the boat and my wife is still recovering from the blow. She's posting in these forums. Lost trust is the main sore point but she tries hard to believe me again when I tell her things. On my end I try to meet her halfway by switching from an habit of keeping secrets to full disclosure mode about my intimate thoughts and practices.
    Not sure why you ask this question in the first place but I hope it helps you.

  14. #14
    Member CharlotteCD's Avatar
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    Oct 2009
    My wife found out a year into our marriage. She accidentally found my stash, and confronted me. The usual are you gay etc questions. She didn't like it, I explained how I don't know why I do it, I just have to.

    Fast forward 11 months later, and things had been fine. They she accidentally opened my post and found it was some lace underwear I'd ordered (and had been told was lost in the system!)

    Cue discussion number 2, reiterated all of the above, explained the trans scale and where I sit on it, that I don't want her to see my fully dressed, she doesn't want to see it either. Two months later we decided we would have a child together, and here we are the best part of 18 months later and we're still together.

    It's rocky, and I struggle with my situation on a daily basis, but I love my wife and daughter, and do what I can to get by and be who they want me to be.

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member Territx's Avatar
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    Oct 2016
    Houston, TX
    Charlotte -- congratulations on the baby girl and being able to talk to each other while coming to an "understanding". Wish I had some prophetic advise - then I would publish it and live off the royalties. Even though I have not had to go through this specific issue (and hope that I never do) I have found most things in marriage involve some degree of compromise. Good luck.
    I am what I am and also what I am not!

  16. #16
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    First marriage, I told her after we where married for about 2 years,at 9 years, we where divorced.
    single for about 15 years, met my new wife on blind date. I told her after 3 dates.;on the 5 date,
    She asked to see e dressed. All I had at the time was a few skirts and 2 tops. She sad is that all
    there is, and I said yes.I assured her that I did not want to become a woman. e where Married
    6 months later. We were together for 19 years, Until she passed on.

  17. #17
    Silver Member darla_g's Avatar
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    Dec 2007
    terrapin station, you need to guess a little bit
    My situation was perhaps much different from most. I had crossdressed as a teen but quickly gave that up when i was a little overzealous and shaved half my eyebrows off. Not well received by classmates! Didn't really think about it for years

    Fast forward maybe 25 years later when we got invited to a costume party for Halloween (the mega holiday for CDers!) I was married had a good relationship. My wife actually helped me quite a bit for the party and even helped me shave off all my body hair. Bought a wig, shoes, clothes for the outfit. it was quite a nice outfit, a few pics remain. But afterward found a new home for the shoes and outfit was donated.

    The revelation was maybe a few days later afterward when i mentioned that i had a great amount of fun and wanted to do it again! Things were always good, but maybe at a point we had "the talk".
    Things eventually evolved to a wonderful situation , she has her limits which i am certainly good at. But she helps me, is my primary photographer. I am very happy being a CD but have no interest in transitioning or anything like that. Pink fog can be a dangerous thing.
    Last edited by darla_g; 05-07-2021 at 04:19 PM.

  18. #18
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    Dec 2015
    Long story short.

    Got married at 21, didn't tell her.
    She saw me dress up for 4 Halloween Parties.
    The Pink Fog somewhat faded.
    After 35 years of marriage, Pink Fog came back strong, I told her.
    She took it very bad, said we'll stay together for the family.
    Now I'm deep in the closet!

    Last edited by Judy-Somthing; 05-09-2021 at 09:40 AM. Reason: typo
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  19. #19
    Aspiring Member GracieRose's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    I didn't tell her when we got married because I thought that it would go away now that I was married.
    About 10 years later, it was obvious that it doesn't go away, so after much trepidation, I told her. I didn't like keeping a secret from her. I couldn't explain it since I certainly don't understand it.
    She tolerates it, but I haven't told anyone else because she would be mortified if anyone else found out. If anyone else finds out, I suspect that out marriage will be tested.

  20. #20
    Connie Connie D50's Avatar
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    May 2006
    Southeast WI.
    Seven days away from 44 years of marriage. I did not tell her before we married like many I started dressing young, Again like others no matter how many time you snuck into your mom's or sisters closet you think I can stop. It didn't take long to enjoy the new and very convenient closet of my wife's. In the first few months I didn't come out and tell her I kind of started to play around in the role playing games. Then I told her it was something I did when I was young and how much I enjoy it. She played a long, of course I over did it. She got mad I slowed down. We go on the same roller coaster even today (2 daughters 7 grandchildren later) The only difference is now I have my own closet ok I lied again my own one in a half closet full of my own cloths :-).
    Last edited by Connie D50; 05-08-2021 at 06:57 AM.

  21. #21
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Denver, Colorado
    When we got married there were only momentary hints of what had dominated my younger life. I was deeply embroiled in graduate school and had far too much to do in my life than to be concerned about dressing or expressing any kind of outward female-like behaviors. The moments were fleeting at the most and did not last long enough to have sufficient time to do anything more than put on lipstick and then wipe it off as the She vanishes. Life continued to be very busy and hectic for the first 10 years. Then, wham, she came back - big time. In some ways it was like I was 8 years old again. I dove deep into the closet and stayed there until 2012 when the Big Reveal had to happen.

    My wife is not very talkative about issues, but I could tell she was deeply hurt by my secretiveness during all that time. She tolerates a little bit of underdressing but does not want to see or meet Gretchen. It is workable but still like walking on eggs. I have explained a lot about the behavior (she is also a biologist), theories of origin, patterns, etc. But she resists a good deal. It is not a deal breaker, but it does limit me. That is OK. I can compromise and so can she, but the boundaries are tight. It has been 52 years now and we still love each other very much even though we both have developed patterns that tend to irritate each other a bit. Like having a tiny piece of gravel in your shoe - you notice it but it is not enough of an irritant to stop everything and take it out. Bound to happen. We ARE different people.

  22. #22
    Gold Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Aug 2018
    Maryland, USA
    It seems to be a somewhat common theme here that we thought when we got married our urge to CD would go away. I know I did but of course that never happened.

  23. #23
    Senior Member Davina2833's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    E TN

    Exactly what I through!


  24. #24
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Central California
    My first wife did not really know. She was stepping out on me anyway. We got divorced after 13 rough years and 3 children later. I did dress at home at night when she was working second shift and all the kids were in bed. I locked my bedroom door.
    I bought her a fancy matching bra, panties and garter set. She never wore them, I did.

    Second marriage totally different. She found my stash when we were living together summers. She asked and I told her that they were mine. No more questions since.
    Now married 20 year next month. We had a real talk 2 years ago when all this dressing stuff raised up in me again, (drop in testosterone?). I was getting bolder wearing some makeup like mascara and dressing in bra and panties for bedroom play.

    I got more bolder and started putting my dresses in our walk in closet. She told me to move them away from her clothes and we had a good discussion with tears and I promised I will stop. 1 month later, I cannot stop. She gave me half a green light, "Do not let me see you dressed". I am fine with that.

    Now I use the closet in the spare bedroom for all my shoes and skirts, tops and dresses. Last week she counted them and asked about the money I have been spending. "All on special sale" I told told her. And it is true. I never bought a $100 dress but I do have some I got for $30 on sale. I love my women's clothes and accessories. I have asked if I can dress at home for my Birthday but it kind of became a issue and did not happen.

    She tells me that she loves me completely and is not OK with the dressing but I think she half understands and gives me plenty of time to dress at home when she is out working. I work from home and can spend probably 5 good hours every day dressed if I want to.

    I have been out shopping and driving but she does not know that. I also like nice dressy clothes so I am not blending in with the things that modern women wear. I think most of them dress poorly most of the time. But yesterday I saw a beautiful young women in a real nice dress at Trader Joe's. She was lovely.

    Even when I go all out getting dressed with wig and all, and I usually do for the full effect, I should get tagged if you look kind of close from 15 feet or so.

    In the end, I would really like to go out for dinner at night with a small group of women for dinner and drinks.
    Last edited by Natalie5004; 05-08-2021 at 10:16 AM.

  25. #25
    Life is more fun in heels Genifer Teal's Avatar
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    May 2005
    It's not an easy topic to "just bring up" in a relationship. Never the right moment. I decided early on they had to know from the start. Now it's hard to hide anyway. Could never have gotten married without telling. The internet made that clear and also not to purge, ever!

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