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Thread: Dating

  1. #1
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Dating

    In the Transition Update thread that I recently started I mentioned that I have started dating. A member pm?d me and asked if I mentioned in my dating site profile that I was trans. The answer is YES, absolutely! I spent a lifetime pretending to be someone and something that I am not. No more pretending for this girl.

    My profile clearly states that ?I am a post op trans woman.? A few men have asked for clarification on that and I freely give it as well as permission to ask tasteful questions. I hope to maybe find the right guy for me and a healthy relationship will develop. That cannot be possible without honesty.

    I actually had another member call me a poser! Seriously? In my ten years on this forum I have not even altered a picture. My purpose in starting this thread is, first of all, to clarify the dating comments on another thread, help transitioners to realize that there is hope for a full and rewarding life and to certainly encourage openness and honesty, especially in a relationship as well as exercise caution at all times.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 08-18-2021 at 12:57 PM.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    No for nothing I admire you Jeri Ann, because I think as you do.
    One passenger when driving for Uber told me that he would trust more in a trans out of the closet person because after that there's no more to hide.
    I respect all kind of thinking because everybody has reasons to do what she/he does, even wrong or right but they believe in it.
    Sometimes our reasons are the result of so many incepted ideas, traditions, fear, habits and misconceptions or tabues and is hard to see the "reality" for that, I prefer be honest.
    At the beginning I was excusing or explaining myself to everybody, now if someone with in the right way with the right reason asks I will tell the truth.
    I prefer people know a transwoman and get acquainted and see how normal we are and not to pretend to be who I am not. It would be like to deny that I was born in Chile, hispanic and male, my accent, my culinary preferences and my voice will trait me and I know people don't like liars.
    Finally, we celebrate a trans visibility day, for me, every day is an opportunity of being visible...
    I'm not in the business of dating, keep happily married to the same woman of last 42 years but if the case would come I would be the most trans-parent trans...

    Mho.

    Devi

  3. #3
    New Member Emptyeyes's Avatar
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    Excellent topic. I'm pretty flexible in the sexuality spectrum. However, with the more recent chain of events that has been going on, which has been pretty discouraging for me. To be honest, I would feel more safe with dating another trans people.

  4. #4
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    Thanks Jeri Ann. Good to see a mature and respectful approach to dating and self disclosure. I don't know who called you a poser, but they must not know you very well. I would think that most members here would have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for you. In my view you are one of the most level headed, straight forward members here.

    With respect to your dating, good for you. I hope you find someone who can help you feel as special as you are.
    Last edited by Meghan4now; 05-14-2021 at 01:54 PM. Reason: Spelling

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Gosh, thank you for being so open and free! I am that member that sent Jeri Ann the PM. It is a process of personal growth to accept ourselves fully and not to fear rejection, even though it may come, because we are trans. You are an inspiration to us.

  6. #6
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Jeri Ann I aplaud you completely and totally for getting to where you are now. I know of so many who have fallen by the wayside during their transition, but to hear from you of a successful journey is music to my ears ,and a role model for all of those following in your footsteps, best wishes
    Bobbi
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  7. #7
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Transparency really comes down to how well passes in all aspects of either a MtF and FtM. I blend well enough, still have a lot of old male habits and voice. I would love to really look, act, speak, and, very importantly, have the correct female equipment. Medical reasons may prevent me from completing my total physical transition, which I want to do, though I can live with that being incomplete.

    Regarding dating, I am on 5 different sites with fairly similar profiles in each one. Since I am proud of who I am and not afraid of revealing that I am a woman, a trans woman, I clearly state that in those profiles. Those profiles indicate that I am looking for a female as a partner. In my case there is no "hiding" that I am who I am, and, therefore, to me, honesty is the best policy. I have met a just a few women with no true lasting results. I also correspond with a couple of women, who unfortunately, are very long distant. With one of them we are very close in our conversations, and also realize that distance is a big barrier to overcome based on our individual circumstances.

    They are out there, but it is definitely not an easy task, especially for an older woman.

  8. #8
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    As I mentioned in another thread my first date was four days ago. On my way to meet John for the first time I refused to let myself contemplate the magnitude of what I was doing. I needed to keep a clear head. Traffic was nuts and I ran a little late. The trendy Tex Mex cafe in the Midtown district of Houston was on a busy corner diagonally across from the CVS where I parked for free. John was standing inside the low iron fence that separated the patio area from pedestrians. After crossing the street I went up to him and we hugged before I went around to the entrance, through the restaurant and out to the patio. It was a delightful experience and my date was a perfect gentleman.

    Today was my second date this time with Don. I was early this time and waited in my car for about ten minutes for him to arrive. We met for the first time in the parking lot and walked into the restaurant together. Again, it was absolutely a delightful time. This time, however, Don asked if I would like to do it again. I said certainly.

    I do not know how to be anything but myself. Open and honest in communication before meeting as well as during time together has seemed to work so far for me. It has actually been a natural experience.

    My next date may not happen. I am not very pleased with the communication so far with Chris.

  9. #9
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    Thanks for the dating story. This is something I hope to do soon. It is great to hear someone else in my city is out there doing it. How was the dialogue with the gentlemen before the date? As a fellow Houstonian, I know that trendy Tex-Mex place across from CVS in mid-town. I know people who have been towed from the CVS. Please be careful.

  10. #10
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Conversations before the first date are mandatory for me. I has to go well or there will be no date. That is the case with guy #3. We will see. BTW, for me communication begins with messages on the dating site then moves to either email, text messages, phone calls or any combination of the three.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 05-18-2021 at 04:58 AM.

  11. #11
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    So happpy for you Jeri Ann
    I am living vicariously through you!
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  12. #12
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    I must emphasize that much of the conversation on these first dates centers on my being transsexual, the struggles, treatment, etc. The issue must not be an elephant in the room. I give them permission to ask me anything but avoid lewdness or kink.
    I sense the comfort level rising as the conversation continues. If nothing develops for the long term with these guys, they will at least know more than they did about trans women.

    Yesterday evening I received a message from Don saying that he really enjoyed our time together. I was pleased and responded appropriately.

    Update:
    Unfortunately the third guy did not work out. He insisted on sending me love letters after I warned him not to, way too crazy for this girl. I have blocked his mobile number and will block his emails
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 05-18-2021 at 10:57 AM.

  13. #13
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    I
    give them permission to ask me anything but avoid lewdness or kink.
    Smart move...
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

  14. #14
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    This whole dating thing has been a learning experience for me. I have learned that many, if not most, men around my age have no experience with transgender people. So much so that when some read in my profile that I am a "post op trans woman" they don't even know what that means.

    I have learned that some men will shy away from a transwoman, some do not have a problem with me being trans and some even have a thing for transwomen, like my last date. I thought that Mike had possibilities. He was good looking, a perfect gentleman and more than ok with me being trans. Right away he was smitten with me. After a couple of hours of conversation, however, I began to realize that we had different philosophies and value systems. I couldn't believe it when he told me that, not only has he not gotten his Covid vaccination, but he wasn't going to and had many conspiracy theories to back up his decision. It broke my heart to end it with him. It could never work out with us.

    Someone told me that I might have to kiss a bunch of frogs before I find my prince. That would mean a second date at least for me. I do have a request for a second date but nothing planned yet. So, in the meantime, I just have lunch and drinks with frogs.

    I have a lunch date tomorrow with Stewart and one Friday with Terry. Both of these guys know that I am trans. I remain hopefully optimistic that eventually I will meet someone that I can connect with. But, I will not compromise my values or attempt to conform to what someone expects me to be. I did that for most of my life.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 06-22-2021 at 12:00 PM.

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I am learning from you!

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member MarieTS's Avatar
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    Jeri Ann, dating is a big step many ts gals shy away from due to confidence issues, and sometimes well founded safety concerns. Great job "getting out there" and sharing experiences with your sisters.

  17. #17
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    I just was wondering how it was going. I agree do not compromise your values . You will meet the right one. For me it always happened when I-was not looking.
    I look forward hearing about your next two dates .
    Fingers crossed
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    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  18. #18
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    The first meeting yesterday with Stewart was definitely a no go. I am beginning to realize that in the culture of on-line dating some expect sex on the first date.

    The guy I met yesterday had absolutely Nothing going for him. We parted amicably with no expectations for a second time. A couple of hours later I start getting very angry and obscene messages from him. I had to block him from my phone and report him to the dating site. He obviously became livid because the date didn?t end up in bed.

    Date number five will be tomorrow. Terry asserts in his profile that he has high values and is a gentleman. Hmm, we?ll see. I my have to take another break from the craziness.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 06-24-2021 at 10:30 AM.

  19. #19
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Omg! I don't know what I would do if I were in the dating business because men are so assh.... to get one decent guy, no driven just for testosterone is like to get lottery....
    HRT 04302018/ Full time 03/2019
    Orchiectomy 06/03/2020/ gender, name legal changed 10/26/2020
    Electrolysis face 08/2019, genitals for GCS 06/2021
    Breast augmentation surgery 01/31/2022
    GCS 07/11/2022 END TRANSITION

  20. #20
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Jeri Ann, I never did the online dating thing but my cousin has and the stories I could tell you. Always be safe (I know you would …but I do not trust them.
    She also has told me when she kindly rebuffs their advances they turn ugly .
    Glad you reported him.
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    Sherlyn,My beautiful sweet girl
    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  21. #21
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Just like the rest of the internet, online dating sites attract all sorts, but afford opportunities to trolls with anti-social tendencies and intent. One look at the comments sections of even innocuous posts says a lot about the mentality off a certain segment of the population.

    I met my second wife via an online service years and years ago…before it became a commonplace thing. At the time, I just put myself out there and waited. She approached me and we were both very, very cautious over the weeks and months before we finally met in person.

    I know its unorthodox for people of my age to let women take the lead in establishing connections and relationships, but I think we both felt safer and more confident in the process. Besides, I was very flattered than any woman would want to know me.

    PS…we lasted 16 years, and but for my increasing desire to present and live as a woman, we might have stayed together. (Yes I told her about myself very early in the relationship…but I changed over time)
    Last edited by kimdl93; 06-24-2021 at 10:38 AM.

  22. #22
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Maybe half of the couples that I know met through social media.

    Before online dating was a thing dates came as a result of work, friends, various activities and, gulp, bars. None of those have been possible.

    I will carry on with the dating site thing for the duration of my subscription, four more months, I think. I understand that there is a possibility that I may not ever meet the right guy for me. In the meantime I will not take risk or compromise.

    I have anther first date tomorrow. We?ll see.

  23. #23
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Jeri, have you ever been the one to reach out, like my ex did? I know its a even more risky for a transwoman, but on the other hand, it puts you in somewhat more control of the situation.

    I’ve been single now for going on 5 years, but I just can’t see putting myself out there again…not on line nor through traditional channels. Maybe it age…maybe its just emotional wear and tear.

  24. #24
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    No, I do not make the first contact, nor do I suggest meeting. Even after being contacted I may not respond. First thing I do is check out their profile for location, age and other details. Smokers are out so are men more than five years older or younger. I get sometimes 20-30 messages a day, some from thirty somethings who are turned on and looking for a hookup.

  25. #25
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    For a pretty good while now the dating sites are known to be basically hook up sites . It didnt used to be that way and if you havent used them at all or in a long while you probably wouldnt know it . People really have gone back to the old fashioned way of meeting OR Ive met alot of cool people in my facebook groups for all my varied interests too , from thoroughbred breeders through creole cooking . NOT your everyday weirdos who try to friend you for cash but actually people you interact with in the groups so you get to know them on an acquaintance level first . 3.5 years after losing Kat I am still not ready to date but I AM learning to make men friends again safely like this without a dating /sex expectation . We are talking about horses or cooking or whatever .

    Being from Texas/Houston area I get what you mean about the type of men you are seeing ( conspiracy theory folks ect ) you are WELL within your rights to make that loud and clear up front that people like that need not contact you we cant talk about that here but you know what I mean . Those are time wasters.

    The last thing is a LARGE dating site red flag ( a facebook one too ) if they tell you they are an engineer ( or a surgeon/Dr).. pay attention - unless they tell you what kind they are without you asking - thats 99.9999% a scammer or if they tell you they are an engineer for Shell or Schlumberger in the North Sea or in Dubai /ANYWHERE in the middle east , cease talking immediately . I don't care what the picture looks like that's not them . Dating sites are FULL of these types .
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