"It hurts too much to face the truth..."
Pet Shop Boys, from "Behavior", 1990
Let's see, it has been over a year since I've been pondering this thread. I've had a few start/stops. Here is one of them...
As I dip into these pages for the first time in quite a while, and writing something that is seemingly meaningful in forever, I notice that there are not as many familiar faces around. That's OK. I don't know you and you are not likely to know me. Not that I am famous but I'd like to think that I've had a history as somewhat valuable contributor here and there.
Thing is, the mystery of the essence of my very being has become just that...a mystery. What I have held true in my heart for as long as I can remember has utterly disappeared. But instead of trying to find it through the writing of words (which failed miserably), I thought I'd try a different approach. I'd rather write about the amazing memories of a time gone by. One that is still recalled with fondness and may or may not be rekindled at some point. Whatever happens, it is OK. I could never have fathomed the equilibrium I feel not without transition. If my past gender dysphoria was measured on a scale of 1 to 10, it would have been an 11. Now, it is a -1.
-1...that admittedly blows my mind.
I'm going to try this with a periodic stream of consciousness about memories from the past. Something happened this evening, hearing the song "To Face The Truth" which brought more than one tear to my eyes. Finally the inspiration that leads me to write these words? Well over a year since any meaningful gender expression that is true to my nature. I hear songs that make me think of friends that are in my thoughts daily, yet I have failed them. Kim. Diana. Erica. Sherry. Alice. Honey. And those of you who have moved on before I was ready to let you go. But you were ready to move on. I miss you. Do those of you who I have forsaken during this pandemic miss me? Does it matter? I think it does. I miss you. All of you. I have thought of you all nearly daily. Gosh, I want to come back. Christine, I want you to come back. I allowed the tenth anniversary of your passing to pass but it doesn't mean I miss you any less.
I feel as if I have a story to tell but it is one that doesn't have a conclusion in this world of ours. Let's see where it goes.
is anyone willing to indulge me? Is anyone willing to help me? Can I help any of you?
Let's find out, if anyone is willing to try.
The memory for today.
"Your Song" by Elton John.
March into April of 2014. Diva Las Vegas coincided with a chance to see Elton John at Caesars Palace. Alice. Diana. Kim. Erica met us afterwards. "Your Song" resonates with me to this day every single time I hear the song. I remember my outfit. A 3/4 sleeve mini dress with black tights and knee-high boots. More important was seeing a legend. Most important was the legendary company I enjoyed. I cannot believe it has been so many years.
Do you all remember?
Going back and reading some old emails. My teeth clench, my eyes water, just like those days when my existence was caught in a vice of dysphoria. Now it is a feeling of love and longing to know how my friends are doing.
I will make this right.
EDIT:
I'm reading through some random emails from the past and I came across the following from Christine. Unvarnished and unedited. Take from it what you will. Christine is gone, I just adore remembering. Kind of brings this post full circle. I didn't realize there'd be a PSB reference to make the circle unbroken. From August 4, 2007.
Hi Sara,
Yesterday's meeting was a delight. Music, shopping, fascinating conversation, making a new friend -- in my book of Enjoyable Outings (Esp. After A Long Work Week), it doesn't get better than that.I was happy to meet you, happy to find that you in person are similar to you in print (the mark of a good writer, you put your true personality into your writings, including emails. Not easy. I feel like I have finally just started to do this myself)....You look great, you pass easily and your "at-ease" level is higher than some transitioning/transitioned friends I know. I hope you know this, but in terms of being and presenting as your true self, you are doing wonderfully....
I had to write another sports blog (Elton Brand) when I returned home. Still wired, I decided to write a long-overdue post for Woman In Progress. It's up now, about a nice evening that happened to me last month.....No need to worry about my blogging about yesterday. If and when, I can be vague about the meeting place and use a different name for my new friend.
While writing last night, I played Disc 4, "Songs." Went thru it three times. Loved pretty much all of it.....From Adam to Eve -- why have I heard nothing about this before? I might have to blog about this song. "Look at me . . . feminine." Amazing. Brix has it down. I coulda done without so much of falsetto guy, but that could be just me....Covers were great--ok, now I know ALL the words to Blitzkrieg Bop . . . Catherine du-ing Husker Du -- now it makes sense.....Throw Your Arms Around Me -- heard it before, loved it again......Aussie pop clinches the disc for me. Put me down as a fan of My Friend The Chocolate Cake, Mutton Birds and Porcupine Tree (dreampop, nu shoegaze).....And "Hockey" is hilarious. Gotta love Jane....
So thanks for it all, especially being patient and flexible enough to make our meeting happen. A very relaxing and memorable day for me. I look forward to our next meeting.
Your new LA friend
(Pet Shop Boys wrote about me in song -- "West End Girl"
Christine
PS: You can call me Christine, or Christina, or Chrissy, or Chris, or Christy. Just don't call me Mike, and all is good
