Gay, Bi? Scared

[Lori Ann Westlake]

Nicole, I'm afraid I have no practical advice to offer from personal experience. I've never had (nor sought out) an encounter of this kind, though I concur with the advice of others regarding personal safety especially.

I do appreciate the obstacles in your way, because they would apply to me as well. I'd be concerned about health issues as well as the risk of violence. Then I wouldn't be sure how to go about finding a suitable partner, plus, being married, I wouldn't want to cheat on my wife anyway. Apart from all that, I've never wanted "gay" sex in the first place.

However, I can identify with what you said about wanting to experience sex in the role of a woman. That's different from being "gay," because it's about the role in which we imagine ourselves during sex, as distinct from the partner we imagine ourselves with. So from the time I started crossdressing, some of my own fantasies ran toward "lesbian" encounters.

That's one place where it's necessary to distinguish between fantasy and reality, as others have pointed out. There's a mental exercise here. If I imagine sex from the viewpoint of an onlooker, a third party, it's only attractive to me if the scenario has a woman in it. Normally of course that means sex between a man and a woman, and for this reason alone I could see the appeal of actually being the woman in such an encounter with a man. However, the idea of sex between two men does absolutely nothing for me, So if you're looking for a sexual experience with a man, then as Stevie said:

Just keep telling yourself, "It's not gay if your wearing a skirt."

And maybe it isn't "gay" sex, not in your mind. It's "TRANSex"! But what happens when the skirt comes off, and a lot of other clothes too? If female clothing is an indispensable prop to imagining oneself as a woman, then if you end up naked in bed with a man, it seems to me the illusion of femininity and "transex" would pop like a bubble, and "gay sex" is what you'd be having.

If that still floats your boat, then that's fine, but it is a point to consider when weighing fantasy against reality before seeking such an experience. You've used the term "gay" yourself, so if you think you'd be content with an encounter you accept is "gay," that's fine. You mentioned previous encounters with "girls," which I took to be T-girls, though I don't know what exactly a "minor gay encounter" entails! I can only hazard a guess, but this may seem different from sex with a male who's presenting as a man.

Apart from that, sex, like any experience, involves all of the senses--sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell, and all kinds of behaviors. That's where fantasy can collide with reality. In fantasy we can make things happen any way we want to. In reality we have to deal with everything we perceive with all of our senses, and with whatever a partner chooses to do with us. So while I can imagine in limited ways how sex as a woman might be exciting with a man, I've always thought that if I ever tried it, too many extraneous elements would simply repel me.

It's just something to think about realistically, including what "kind" of sex you're looking for, or might end up with. Of course, "your mileage may vary," so if after thinking it through thoroughly you're still irresistibly tempted, I admit the only way to find out is to try it out for yourself. Good luck anyway, whatever you do.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I just have one thing to add. Make sure that the man your interested in really knows that your not all woman.
,There's a case getting a lot of press around here where it didn't turn out very well for the "woman" involved.

A college football player had sex with a woman, but didn't realize that the woman was actually a man en femme. He came back for a repeat a few days later, but this second time, he found out. The medical examiner concluded the death was due to "blunt force trauma". In fact, every bone in her face was broken.

The man was arrested and is being tried for murder. His excuse, "He shouldn't have fooled me."

Never underestimate the power of a man's insulted ego.

[Genifer Teal]

We all come here with different goals in mind. They are all ok. As long as every idea is safe sane and consentual, it's fine. Once you get over the taboo feelings you can open up to the experience and decide if it is right for you. Ask others in the community about safety and specific people. Explore you're interests but do it safely.

[Leelou]

This topic always fascinates me when it comes up, so thanks for posting. I really enjoy reading others thoughts and experiences in this area.

I would love to have sexy time with another crossdresser, but have no interest in sex with men who don't dress. My only experience has been watching crossdresser/tranny porn. I like watching two crossdressers together and tranny on female, but when it's crossdresser/men I don't care for it. I'm pretty sure it would be the same in reality, maybe someday I'll find out. I've already experienced sex crossdressed with women, and know I really enjoy that!

[Devi SM]

Nycole,

I can say I have enough experience to give you a good advice.

I was writing and thinking exactly about this last night.

This is what I wrote:

"It's a known fact that's not a good idea to go shopping to the grocery store when hungry. You'll leave with a lot of food, most of it just sugar and many things you won't actually eat."

I was a crossdresser. Now I know that I wasn't a crossdresser but a transexual or transgender woman

As many here,, my main release valve was to dress but it wasn't enough, sex was a huge ingredient that could pacify me, at least that's I thought, but it didn't too. In the way of exploration as you (I post something here) I arrive to the conclusion I was gay, because sex was more satisfying for me as a woman than sex with a woman, not that I didn't enjoy sex with a woman but with a men fitted better in my non-ending search for satisfaction and identity.

In that moment, when I still feeling not satisfied, I confess all my feelings to my wife. I was looking and asking for freedom to experience my identity, that in that moment was deeply rooted in my sexual identity.

Luckily, my wife accepted but with the condition on no meet guys, at least for sex,.other crossdressers would be ok but not for sex.

So now, I had all the freedom, at least to dress every single day.

I start going out on a weekly basis but still not being enough so I decide to look help on a therapist.
I was around a year on therapy with a family therapist with experience on crossdressers.

Affortunately, she advice me to talk with my PCP and she referred me to an endocrinologist.

When I started in hormones everything start changes included my sexuality. All those cravings for sex began to fade, of course testosterone was blocked.

Then, and just then, I could see my life and find that it wasn't even to dress but to be a woman.

The rest is history, I'm legally a woman, still happily married to the same woman of the last 42 years. I'm a very different person now and have certainty what's my sexual preference and no more promiscuity.

Btw, it's a very dangerous road, in many ways, to explore sexuality especially with men, most of them are Iike dogs, you know what I'm talking about.

I can't tell here the dangers I was in, the bad experiences I had. If someone would had told me what I'm saying now thi gs would be different.

My humble opinion based in my own experience.

Devi

[CharlotteCD]

Take off my makeup, wig, clothing and shapewear and I'm a man.

There's no hiding that fact, and if I were to have sex with a man, it wouldn't be "I'm femme so it's not gay". It would be gay, and there's nothing wrong with that, but there's no lying to myself.

There's just no appeal really. The sex itself would be fine, I enjoy pure mechanical sex of different shades, but I don't find men attractive. Do I want to feel beard or stubble? No. Arm or leg hair? No. Rough hands? No.

I love everything female, both as what I aspire to be, and as what I want to be with.

[HeatherW]

Sexuality is a 64 count crayon box. There are many different shades. Most of those shades you will never, ever use. Others will be a mainstay in every picture. As you sit coloring with one of those mainstay colors, your eyes constantly drift to those rare colors as you search for some place to use them.
As someone else has already said, have you ever looked at a man and found yourself attracted to him? Or is it a fantasy, where there is always a faceless man and the only clear parts are you and his penis? Personally, there are very few men I have found attractive, and none that I have ever kissed on the lips. I have, however, found a great number of women I have loved, and kissed (one that I love and married) and a fair few penises I found attractive. There are sexual acts that attract me. There are sexual acts I find pleasurable that women cannot complete. So that created my initial quandary. "What does that make me?" For years now, I don't care. Why do I have to label myself? For the ease of others I describe myself as "sort of bi", which of course initiates the conversation wherein I can go more into detail. The important part is the conversation, and ensuring the other participant is completely clear on boundaries. If they are not okay with your boundaries, you should not be okay with them. Exploring your sexuality and establishing your likes and dislikes is fine. Just remember, you are an adult and you need to think and act responsibly in your exploration.

[MonicaPVD]

I just have one thing to add. Make sure that the man your interested in really knows that your not all woman.

I would add, make sure that the man you're interested in is not mentally unstable or ill. Here's why. Every single man that has ever become violent or deadly because they "didn't realize that she was a he" was lying. Well, maybe a few were tricked by a gorgeous, slender 19 year old "trap" crossdresser, but even that is difficult to believe.

Of course they all knew. Of course they were turned on by the kink of it all. However, some dangerously insecure - or mentally ill - men can't deal with a phenomenon known as post nut clarity, whence they become overwhelmed by guilt as soon as the deed is done and may be motivated to act violently. This is a real thing. I've experienced this to a lesser degree in the past, particularly with younger guys. Some men will react by pushing you out the door as quickly as possible and others may react by becoming violent to the point where your life is in danger. You can avoid this by being careful about who you play with. A general rule of thumb is to avoid men who are both really pushy about getting busy with you and really paranoid about being spotted with a CD.

[Alexis00]

MonicaPVD that is great advice!

I try to set expectations and ground rules before going out. If someone won’t communicate by text or phone what they are looking for and hearing what you are interested in, the likelihood of having a good time seems pretty small.

[mbmeen12]

men can't deal with a phenomenon known as post nut clarity, whence they become overwhelmed by guilt as soon as the deed is done

Well written when dealing with newbies/1st timers too. "IF" you do decide to date, take the actual date slow i.e. drinks, talking, dinner. Quality vs quantity!

[XemmaX]

I would say, take it slow and be open about your lack of experience. Be aware most men do not want a real relationships with us. These people will also mostly self indentify as straight. Id avoid those as they are nore likely to be really bad. I had some good times amd some very bad times delving into the world of men. You will get a feel on how they talk to you if they are right for you.

[Stephanie 334]

Hello all....

I'm sitting here reading some of the threads...

And I am at a particularly difficult time in my life because my wife, best friend, soulmate have left me to be fitted with angel wings.

Some 27 years ago I started dating my wife. She was bi before we started dating and early on, she inquired if I had ever been with a guy. I said not really but said I would try it if she wanted me to. My thinking was she might want to incorporate bisexuality in our lives going forward.

She set it up and as a result, I had my "date night" at our apartment after we met the guy at a restaurant a couple of weeks prior. As a result of our get-together I "lost my cherry" and discovered my bisexuality going forward and enjoyed it.

From taking on the female role with a guy I discovered my female side and that led to my crossdressing for the past 17 years, eventually going out to gay clubs as a female and just enjoying the interactions with crossdressers, lesbian females, gay guys and just being one of the girls in the ladies room.

There is more to this entire dynamics with the wife, crossdressing, and being bisexual that centered around the wife and it was all OK between the two of us and how we handled it.

So now that she is gone and I'm alone I need to move along with my life. Before she passed we spoke about that.

I

[Natalie5004]

Stephanie, sorry to read about your loss. We all have or will experience that one way or another eventually. Stay strong, and get dolled up.

[mirima1992]

I have found a couple of guys on Doublelist. Simple rule I follow is meet them at a nice hotel in a room they paid for. It pretty much ensures civilized behavior for the most part.

[Di]

Since the OP has not been back on for two weeks and not seeing everyones advice I am closing this thread.

To everyone that took the time to answer and stay within the rules to help the OP figure things out thank you.