The inner storm.....

[Emi]

I'm sitting here, trying to be productive. I am currently stuck. For some reason the fog hit me good. I have always wondered the "why" as have so many others so I find myself back here after many years searching and at least finding solace in like company.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been on a hiatus, rather I have been somewhat able to control Emi. One of my obsessions has always been nail polish. Over the years I have typically had a bottle here and there for little projects and often would paint my fingers and or toes for an hour or so then take it off.

There have been many occurrences in my life that have opened my eyes to our mortality. As time goes on I have begun to recognize the ticking clock. I can't make this go away either.

My wife is a wonderful hard working person and mother. She recognizes that I view the world differently and my mind never stops. She knows I have my quirks and seems to be able to compartmentalize my oddities in a way to avoid them being a distraction. I half ass attempted to tell her I enjoyed women's underwear about 9 year ago. Of course I got the are you gay questions and what not. Although she never purchased any panties she has picked up mens underwear that are softer and with a trim elastic.

Nothing was ever said again. A week ago Monday I couldn't sleep, went downstairs and picked up a bottle of black polish I had. I painted my toes and put my socks back on. I decided life was too short to deny myself these things. As the week wore on I intended to tell her but every day something came up that I did not want to overshadow. Finally I had the chance Thursday afternoon. I told her she knows I do weird stuff from time to time and told her what I did. Not much reaction as I expected.

I went into the bedroom to change and a few minutes later she came in and asked if she could see. She said I was a better painter than her. There was no further discussion, when the kids would come home I throw on socks. I took it off Friday as we were going out and I wanted to wear sandals, also, I was feeling a little ashamed. Saturday morning, same urge, I didn't really like the black but had a bottle of green she had picked up for me for a project. So, I redid them in green.

Sunday she left for the store I recognized an opportunity to weigh the subject. I told her that she hadn't expressed her feelings on my recent hobby. Her response was that it was kind of weird, but, she felt it would be weird if she didn't find it weird. That's fair, very fair. I did ask her to pick up a couple other dark colors but she declined as she wasn't going to be in that part of the store. This was a little disappointing I hoped would signify some acceptance.

Anyway, I know I am not alone in all of this. The inner conflict so draining. Some times it is not even a thought and sometimes it is all consuming.

Thanks for listening.

[SissieScott]

The inner conflict CAN be draining and all consuming. The more you're *denied* or *stonewalled* the worse it can get, and I know from the mistakes in my first marriage your needs/desires may come out wrong or at the wrong time. My best advice if this is truly draining and consuming to you, is try to set a time with her without any other distractions and have an honest discussion about your likes and desires. Try to be as open as possible and try to avoid *half truths*....only to *spring* something on her next week, that will instantly give her hesitation...."OMG, what's next"??!!??!! Also give her an opportunity to express her fears, concerns, and questions....and answer them fully and honestly.
My current wife was told EVERYTHING early on, and it has been a slow progression over the years, slowly progressing as she became more comfortable. Even though now after 16 years she is totally onboard and buys me nighties, panties, and make-up..... wigs, lipstick, and hip/butt padding are still *deal breakers* for her, so for her I don't do it.

[docrobbysherry]

My question is: Why at this late date do u ask for and need your wife's complicentcy in your dressing? Why weren't u honest from the beginning?

One reason mite be that your urge to present fem is increasing? In that case u need to be honest with yourself and your wife. So, u can both prepare for the storms to come!

[Emi]

Ironically, out of respect for her and our marriage. At the time, as maybe some are, I was naive to who I am. I thought I could beat it. I can't change that now.

[SarahBJackson]

Hello Emi, a fellow Michigander. I read your post and I sympathize with you. Sometimes, life offers you more than one potential path. I urge you to pick the path that satisfies your self image and happiness. You sound like you have a very supportive wife too, as I do too. Good luck navigating your future. You are not alone.

[Vikky]

HI Emi
I can sympathise with the feelings you have as I have some of the same. In lockdown there has been virtually no possibility to dress as my wife does not want to see me dressed and she has been around all the time. In the evenings she watches TV all the time and I am banished to my (wo)man cave. Thats been very limiting.
Whist she bought some items for me some years ago when my dressing started (6 or 7 years ago) she has never done it again. She knows I have femme clothes, and even washes the lingerie but never comments, just leaves in in my room when dry.
Lately the ?pink fog? has bitten my big time, especially while she has been away for a few days seeing relatives. I respect her thoughts but on her return I think I will have to address the situation and at least get agreement to dress in the living rooms in the evenings.
Good luck.
Vikky

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi EMI , Things can become complicated sometimes, >Orchid**00**

[Teri Ray]

Hiya Emi,

I can very much relate to your story. No two familes have the same dynamic. Each has there own unquie situation. Many here have been where you are now. Your wife seems to be somewhat understanding. This desire is never simple nor easy for your spouse to understand, much less accept. Heck I still struggle to understand why I have this desire to crossdress. Take things slow and over time your wife may come to agree that your desires may be odd (off normal?) however within limits is harmelss and doesn't make you a bad person. Best wishes for your desired outcome and when appropriate keep communcating as best you can.

[Emi]

Thanks everyone, I am still not happy with myself and until I get there it will always be a struggle.

[Stephanie47]

Emi, I think if you pose a question to the GG's on this forum they will tell you they would want to know "where are you headed with all this?" Is nail polish and a panty the end of the story? Or the beginning? Are you suppressing your perceived needs for marital harmony? Do you really want to go the full nine yards and "dress to
the nine?" Or are you suppressing your needs because you're conflicted within yourself? There is a different.

A long time ago I was terribly conflicted. Back in the 1960's the word on the street was any man who wore women's clothing was gay. That brought about a lot of conflict within me. Decades ago I was able to sort it out. Self acceptance. The challenge, which has continued for decades, is trying to express myself when necessary without ruffling the feathers of my wife. Unless you approach the subject with your wife, you're never going to know what her limits may be. She may be more accepting than you image. Or it may blow up in your face. I wish you good luck.

[Candy]

I feel your same inner turmoil

[Emi]

I have accepted that there is a feminine personality in myself, without a doubt two different beings and not one "confused one". What I struggle with is how to be happy that way.
I'm not sure how far I'd ever want to go with it, that's where my inner conflict arises. Sometimes the little things (painted toes) satisfy me and other times I feel I'm standing on the edge of a rabbit hole knowing full well I can turn around or jump. I've never jumped.

[nancy58]

. . . also, I was feeling a little ashamed.

Don't feel ashamed about a little nail polish or any of the other aspects of crossdressing. (But don't get into your wife's things without her permission, because they are HERS.) You hurt no one, and the nail polish gives you a good feeling. Enjoy it, and don't allow your worries about what other people might think affect your enjoyment. Some of those other people probably get off on things that would really creep you out; as long as they're with consenting adults, no harm, no foul.

[Sometimes Steffi]

A long time ago I was terribly conflicted. Back in the 1960's the word on the street was any man who wore women's clothing was gay.

I'm sorry, but the word "gay" was not used in the 60's. A pejorative 6-letter word beginning with "f" was the word used. And it was a nasty thing to be called.

[Candy]

I kind of relate to the Gender fluid thing.. I move in between without too many problems.. never heard the term before

[-Elle-]

Maybe her saying you?re a better painter was an invitation? Though, she also may not want you to be better than her at something like this too, ask her is you can paint her toes. Pamper her feet with a wash, massage and painted toes so she can see your shared interest can benefit you both.