I'm sitting here, trying to be productive. I am currently stuck. For some reason the fog hit me good. I have always wondered the "why" as have so many others so I find myself back here after many years searching and at least finding solace in like company.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't been on a hiatus, rather I have been somewhat able to control Emi. One of my obsessions has always been nail polish. Over the years I have typically had a bottle here and there for little projects and often would paint my fingers and or toes for an hour or so then take it off.
There have been many occurrences in my life that have opened my eyes to our mortality. As time goes on I have begun to recognize the ticking clock. I can't make this go away either.
My wife is a wonderful hard working person and mother. She recognizes that I view the world differently and my mind never stops. She knows I have my quirks and seems to be able to compartmentalize my oddities in a way to avoid them being a distraction. I half ass attempted to tell her I enjoyed women's underwear about 9 year ago. Of course I got the are you gay questions and what not. Although she never purchased any panties she has picked up mens underwear that are softer and with a trim elastic.
Nothing was ever said again. A week ago Monday I couldn't sleep, went downstairs and picked up a bottle of black polish I had. I painted my toes and put my socks back on. I decided life was too short to deny myself these things. As the week wore on I intended to tell her but every day something came up that I did not want to overshadow. Finally I had the chance Thursday afternoon. I told her she knows I do weird stuff from time to time and told her what I did. Not much reaction as I expected.
I went into the bedroom to change and a few minutes later she came in and asked if she could see. She said I was a better painter than her. There was no further discussion, when the kids would come home I throw on socks. I took it off Friday as we were going out and I wanted to wear sandals, also, I was feeling a little ashamed. Saturday morning, same urge, I didn't really like the black but had a bottle of green she had picked up for me for a project. So, I redid them in green.
Sunday she left for the store I recognized an opportunity to weigh the subject. I told her that she hadn't expressed her feelings on my recent hobby. Her response was that it was kind of weird, but, she felt it would be weird if she didn't find it weird. That's fair, very fair. I did ask her to pick up a couple other dark colors but she declined as she wasn't going to be in that part of the store. This was a little disappointing I hoped would signify some acceptance.
Anyway, I know I am not alone in all of this. The inner conflict so draining. Some times it is not even a thought and sometimes it is all consuming.
Thanks for listening.