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Thread: How did you come out to your SO?

  1. #1
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    How did you come out to your SO?

    I just can't. I trashed all my feminine things earlier this week because I refuse to lie to her. My wife is so stressed all the time - if I told her about this, it'd just make her life worse. She's not narrow-minded, she is just always so worried about all aspects of life. Money, weight, what we're going to eat today. I love her so much, but she needs to chill. Telling her about this would add more to what's already there. It's worth pushing this feeling away to make her happier.

    How did you girls do it?

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
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    My wife once said "We can't control other people's reactions."

    Obviously you want and feel that you need to share this part of who you are with her. That you feel you are lying to her.
    Mental health is more important than many of us realize. "Tuff it out" is how we were raised as male.
    I told my first wife when she caught me hiding under the bed in a skirt and blouse. We talked a bit I thought we were all good but then her later reaction was to have an affair. Which that I believe was the beginning of the end.

    Having had that happen I made certain my wife now knew about Joyce before we had gotten too serious.

    You never know ... for sure... how someone will react.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Laurie,

    You know your life and your wife's reactions better than anyone here knows. Only you know if you are able to hold your internal feelings in check for the rest of your lives together.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Meghan4now's Avatar
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    Laurie, Char is right, and free advice is often worth what you paid for it. In my case, there was a conversation that opened up when discussing life regrets and lost opportunities. It wasn't an instant success and we've had to work through the maze of emotions over the years. On the other hand, it's not like there weren't hints over the years leading up to the revealing conversation.

    One thing I would say though is that you need to discern between your fears of how she might react and the real probability of a negative reaction. Many people are surprised by a good outcome, a relief, etc. One complaint I've heard from SOME spouses is why did you hide this, why didn't you trust me.

    A very delicate balance to be sure.
    Put on a Happy Face.

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Every scenario is so different. Just from following you on this forum, there's such a broad spectrum of relationships and expextations. Some women are totally cool with it, some encourage it, some frown upon it but tolerate, some do not tolerate it, and some see this as something that voids the relationship contract. IE, "I signed up to be with a man that fits my definition of what a man is. Period."

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by char GG View Post
    Laurie,

    You know your life and your wife's reactions better than anyone here knows. Only you know if you are able to hold your internal feelings in check for the rest of your lives together.
    We're perfect besides this. I wouldn't care if she liked to dress like a man and go around town. I've come so close to telling her three or four times lately. Her father came out as gay after four kids, so I'd feel like I was doing the same -- even though I fancy women and want to be with her. I'm worried she'd see it as the same thing.

  7. #7
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    Hi Laurie, After many years of marriage, i asked my wife to sit down because I had something very personal to tell her. I began by telling her that I loved her very much and that what I was about to say didn?t change my love or devotion to her as her husband.
    I explained that I had been crossdressing since I was about 10 and that it had, over the last year, become a stronger need. So, I could not keep it hidden any longer. I answered all her questions honestly and referred her to reasonably written articles that I had copied. These articles were by psychologists that helped her understand male to female crossdressing (at least to the extent that it is understandable). While she is not part of my crossdressing (which is fine with me), our love for each other has deepened. She sees this as just another one of my quirks.

    The best I can tell you is to be sure you express your love for her and don?t overwhelm her with you feelings. Listen to her.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    It took me years to convince myself and build up the courage. And a lot of reading of the Ask-a-GG threads. My wife is a very anxious person but she's very courageous too. 20 months ago I pulled the rug under her feet and stopped hiding and lying. She took the blow and managed it to the best she could. We're still recovering, the broken trust is the main damage, for I lied to her about the dressing for dozens of years. The marriage survived so far, but she will probably be forever troubled by this. She is a member of these forums.

  9. #9
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by laurie103 View Post
    . Her father came out as gay after four kids, so I'd feel like I was doing the same -- even though I fancy women and want to be with her. I'm worried she'd see it as the same thing.
    She might think it is the same for a bit ….until she researched it, and you explain it .

    You know her ….but imho every GG I have met and on here..the thing they mostly say feeling betrayed for not being told.
    And that is the hardest thing for them to get over.
    I worry that she will find out by accident ( you see that all the time here) and you should know it does not go away / I personally do not know anyone that has stopped forever. I wish others will see and get it…..just be honest from the beginning and you will not be in this spot.
    Good luck with what you decide.
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    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  10. #10
    Member Happilymarriedguy's Avatar
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    With my current wife I knew who I was when I had met her. I first told her I liked lingerie, not that i wore it just that I liked it. I knew she was the one I wanted to share my life with so I knew I had to tell her. I sat her down after meeting a couple weeks into our relationship, no TV, no radio and no phones....absolutely no distractions... I was prepared on what I wanted to say, and was ready for any question she might ask. It went fairly well, although I gave her time to process it and we probably didn't talk again for about a week. She was understanding I will admit I went from just wearing lingerie when we first met to fully dressing (no wig or make-up) is where I am now. I understand she has bad days so I don't dress on those days. We agreed that I would not dress on any major holiday too.

    Now with my first wife, she found out late one night. She was pregnant and our sex life was next to nothing. I was doing laundry on a regular basis. Well late one night as I was getting ready to wash her nightgown the urge came over me and I just had to try it on. I went in the back bathroom, locked the door and tried it on. This went on every time I found her nightgown in the wash. Well one time I forgot to lock the door and she came looking for me and found me in all my glory wearing her nightgown. I slept on the couch that night, but we talked about it the next day. She didn't have a problem with me wearing lingerie as long as the kids didn't see it.

    My love for lingerie started at a young age, and as I entered my teenage years I would use my mom's lingerie to give myself some pleasure. I thought the urge would stop when I got older, but it never did.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    I didn't have to tell her, she found some panties I washed and thought were hidden away. Later in the day I found them on the ironing board, and then we had friends show up for dinner. I didn't get a chance to talk until late that evening. It wasn't good, but in time we got through it.

  12. #12
    Member HelpMe,Rhonda's Avatar
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    Didn't tell her until I decided I wasn't really a crossdresser but actually transgender. Was stressing out so much about telling her and the rest of the world that it was clear something was wrong, and I couldn't lie about anything other than the huge lie of omission I had been doing with everyone all the time my whole life, so just dumped it on her after a first session of therapy.

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    While we were still dating, and when things were starting to get a bit more serious, I explained that there was something that she had to know. I sat down with her and explained my whole story to her.
    Honestly, I expected that she'd bail out and I'd be alone again but I guess she saw something worth keeping me around for.
    We negotiated some "ground rules" and moved forward.
    Our 20th anniversary is coming up real soon, so I guess I'm doing something right.

  14. #14
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Forgot to add this important one : https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...l-your-partner
    Read this carefully if you want to tell your SO.
    "There's one thing I don't understand. The thing that I don't understand is every [bleep]-ing thing about crossdressing." - The Blimey
    For those who consider telling their SOs, read this fine manual first: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

  15. #15
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    I was getting more and more depressed and constant lying and hiding things was becoming too much. So one day i started to tell her about my secret and it just kept coming like a fountain.

    Explained that i was not gay and all the normal assumptions that comes with the disclosure. She is my soul mate and stated after a lot of tears and huggs she stated she loves me for me. That was many years ago and we have been together 36 years now. I dress nearly all the time in the house unless anyone is visiting. x

  16. #16
    Member SissieScott's Avatar
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    After meeting my current wife, the feelings for me were almost instant, and wanted to tell her very early on to give her a chance to RUN! After 25+ years of *sneaking around* I was well aware it wasn't a phase or going anywhere. I sat her down, no distractions, and told her EVERYTHING......not safety drips or drabs pending on her response or look.....EVERYTHING.... I even proceeded to show her my *secret* drawer. She WAS caught of guard, but after time and talking she was accepting and somewhat intrigued. SLOWLY it has progressed over the years with HER comfort level and constant HONEST conversations. We are now *empty-nesters* and just celebrated 16 years of marriage. Now I wear panties daily, wear makeup and dress at home in the evenings (when no one is coming over) and nighties to bed every night. She even buys me stuff she KNOWS i would like and some stuff she would like to see me in. She still isn't ready to go in public with me fully dressed, but we have talked about it and moving closer to a night out together.
    My best advice is constant open and honest conversation, and always take her opinions, doubts, questions, and wishes. Remember it's OUR *baggage* we are dumping on THEM..... Just think how hard it has been on ourselves over the years.
    "Out of ALL the thing I have lost, it's my mind that I miss the most"

  17. #17
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Throwing clothes away does not change who you are, and does negate your deception.
    How did I do one of the scariest things I've ever done? By accepting who I am and wanting to never again enter a relationship where I hid that.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  18. #18
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    I met my wife while we were both in the army. I had dappled in my mother's lingerie draw many years before. I thought my desires/needs were in the distant past. It did race through my mind. Not whether I should tell her, but, I still had self doubts about my own sexuality. I had never discussed my forays into my mother's lingerie draw. What did it mean? Did it mean I was gay? That was the generally accepted word on the street back then. I lusted over attractive women. My future wife and I had a robust sex life. Basically, there was nothing to tell or explain. So I thought.

    My wife and I love shopping for nighties for her to wear. She had bought some before we were married. She was (still is) drop dead gorgeous. Even my son blurted out not too long ago "Mom was hot when she was young!" As a wedding present I bought her a white peignoir set in size medium which ended up swimming on her. I knew zero about women's sizes at that time. She was five foot two and 115 pounds. I was way off, but, she wore in anyway. One night after we had been married for awhile I slipped it on because I loved the feel of the nylon. I had loved the feel of my mother's white full slips those many years ago. My wife walked in on me while I was wearing it and getting a glass of water in the kitchen. She asked why I was wearing her nightgown. I told her I liked the feel of the nylon. Short story; we ended up buying me several nighties and some hosiery for bedroom play.

    Fast forward to the early 1980's. My love of nylon was rekindled. I started buying lovely slips. I had a large gift box in the bottom draw of my armoire. One Christmas I bought my first bra; a Vanity Fair vivid red bra. Our daughter was about three (early 1980's) when she pulled the bra out of the box in the bottom draw. Curious little girl. My wife asked what I was doing with a bra? We had "The Talk" over the next several days.

    "Why would a man buy a bra when he has nothing to pack into it?"

    Get in touch with my feminine side? "

    "Tell me about your feminine side when you can have a baby!"

    I decided it was best to tell her the truth rather than coming up with some lame explanation: "I do not know why I do what I do!" That's the truth.

    She did throw out some other thoughts. She said, if she had known she would not have married me. She also said she would not have told me all the sordid details of her life before we met. She said it would have been easy to walk away if she had not told me about her past. She said it would have been two-faced to reject me when probably any other guy would have walked away from her.

    Afterwards I went through a stage of trying to get her acceptance, but, she really wanted no part of it. I realized to pressure her with the creeping acceptance was nothing more than spousal mental abuse. I realized I was looking for her acceptance to gain my own self acceptance. Eventually, I realized there was nothing wrong with me. There was nothing wrong with her. We just marched to a different drummer. So we entered "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." This year we will have been married fifty years.

  19. #19
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    I tried doing what you did. Tossing everything, swearing never again, all for the greater good. It didn't work.
    I could not deny myself. I could not deny who I am and so once again, like the purges before we married, it didn't last.

    At last I got tired of hiding, tired of lying, tired of stealing minutes or hours from her to be me.
    I went to her and said, "We have a problem". And then I told her everything and confessed my need to express this part of myself. I told her we needed to talk about this and discover if it was something that she could not accept or if it was something she was willing to try to understand. If it meant we would part, then that's what would happen, not what I wanted but I would accept her feelings and move on.
    I was lucky. She was willing to learn, to talk, to try. Now she is fully accepting and I no longer steal from her, I share with her.
    Wear what makes you feel Confident !

  20. #20
    Junior Member Jayne44C's Avatar
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    I had been 'sort of' outed by someone we both knew. I felt if we were going to go forward with the relationship, I'd have to completely open up to her. Things were touch and go for a while afterwards. We eventually did stay together but, she wasn't accepting.

  21. #21
    Silver Member Frannie7's Avatar
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    I had wanted to tell my wife for a while. I talked it over with a friend who knew I dressed and decided to go for it. Preamble, we have been married 34 years and although I dressed very occasionally up to about 10 years ago, I had been doing it a bit more regularly and even going out. I told her just at the beginning of the pandemic--not the best of times, but when is a good time. The part I want to emphasize is that not telling her and lying/hiding it from her was harder for her to accept than the actual dressing. So I encourage you to tell her before she finds out on her own. To make a long story short there have been extended times in the past year that I haven't dressed. Right now we seem to be in a DADT situation. My wife is also stressed a lot and I think even a bit depressed. She won't see anyone about it. I know you don't want to add to her tension but I think it's important.

  22. #22
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HelpMe,Rhonda View Post
    Didn't tell her until I decided I wasn't really a crossdresser but actually transgender. Was stressing out so much about telling her and the rest of the world that it was clear something was wrong, and I couldn't lie about anything other than the huge lie of omission I had been doing with everyone all the time my whole life, so just dumped it on her after a first session of therapy.
    How did that go?

  23. #23
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    Very early on, before we were fully hooked up. I just told her, and gave her chance to walk away. Any damage then would have been less. I know this isn't something everyone can do, but if you can, it's the best way of doing it.

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member Rayleen's Avatar
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    I went to her before it started a problem, needed the urge to dress in evening to relax and relieve stress.

    I was glad I did, it was fine with her. Approval is the key to happy life crossdressing
    Wanting something is a fantasy which on a long time period clouds your mind and makes you think you need it.

    Rayleen

  25. #25
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    Before our third date, I wanted to be honest and no games of deceit. I figured, let the balls drop as they may...5 years later were going to a bar in Hartford and meeting other gurls before a drag show. Eventually you have to pay the "toll".
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

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