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Thread: Realizing Alexa and telling my SO

  1. #1
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    Realizing Alexa and telling my SO

    Hello everyone and thanks for your support and acceptance.

    My name is Alexa. Today, I'd like to attempt to bring to light how I came out to my SO. This is an extremely personal topic to me, as it uncovers the layer cake of but one aspect of our multi-faceted lives. The story of Alexa is one of constant self-discovery that is intricately linked to my sexual awakening, my self understanding, my self image, and my relationship with my partner.

    I've now sat for a couple days with just the above paragraph wondering how to format this. There is no real way to explain this, so I'll be starting with a recap of my most recent milestones and elaborate on other relevant moments.

    For the first time, I stood in front of the mirror fully dressed up and made-up. I stood there judging myself yet feeling damn cute. My wife was oohing and ahhing, asking me to turn around so she could take a picture. My cheeks flared - despite a layer of make-up, my blushing burned through. I spent the whole afternoon dressed up at home. I even went outside to our patio for a smoke, secretly practicing my posture and gesture.
    I was missing heels. I was missing longer hair. My make-up was sloppy. I needed more flattering clothes. I should work on my figure. And the list goes on... Maybe in the moment, it all looks like I'm judging myself heavily, but on the other hand, I am exploring the possibilities of becoming Alexa (in one way or other). This is, really, where my wife comes in.

    Layla and I met in a metaphorical thunderstorm of perfect moments. Our relationship started off based on our deep gratitude for each other. We developed a friendship unlike any I'd had before - one that holds communication and acceptance as cornerstones (among others). Even through our hardships, challenges, and life's curveballs, we continue to be honest with each other, and, in turn, ourselves.

    At this point, I need to state that I had no idea that Alexa existed. I was, however, internally deeply ashamed and intrigued by a secret experience with cis male that had occured before Layla and I had met. I never knew I would eventually reveal Alexa to her (and myself) when I told Layla about that experience. This had all started with me being open with my partner about my sexual past.

    This went incredibly well. I was lighter. I was free of the burden of shame and secrecy. In our own ways, we both continued to explore what this all meant. Through the ebb and flow, I found I was exploring my sexuality very deeply. Whenever I would realize something about myself through the process, I worked up the courage to tell her all about it. It's never easy to say it. Even when I've shared things before, it's always difficult to take something internal and form it into coherent words for someone else to, hopefully, recieve gracefully. Thankfully, Layla did, and asked me to continue sharing things as they came up instead of dropping a build up of news that would shock her.

    Over a few years, I kind of waited patiently for Layla to join me in my play time. I fabricated fantasies, I created scenes, I moved in and out of fetishizing the experience and really embodying it. It's not black and white.

    One day, things started to click. Images from my past started to become clearer. Of course, culture, environment, family, society, and many other factors had a part to play in the systemetic suppression of this expression of myself. I decided to try a few things outside of secrecy and intimacy. I wanted to face some real physical changes.

    Since I've always explored different ways of styling my hair and beard, I began occasionally going for Brazilians. I've always trimmed, but this was a completely new experience. By now, I don't think I need to remind you that Layla always knew about those events. I was never able to really explain the process as it went, but whenever she asked and tried to understand, I would sit and talk about it; to overcome shyness, shame, guilt, and even my own knee-jerk defensiveness, or her lashing out of shock.

    It was all ok. We love each other. And it's not weird. There is nothing wrong with me.

    Over the course of maybe a couple of years, I started to feel this person in me. At first, I chalked it up to an alter-ego in times of increased sexual frustration. Later, 'she' started to show herself more.

    One day, Layla was in the shower and we had been talking earlier about some relevant stuff. I decided to put on some girly clothes and came in to the bathroom to surprise her. She loved it. She didn't play along, or try to rationalize it, but simply accepted and we giggled about things and the night went on. I was back in my PJs by the time she stepped out of the bathroom.

    After that, I told Layla that I'd like to really feel all these beautiful materials on my skin and that I'd like to try grooming my body hair. To be honest, I think there was more resistance from Layla regarding this aspect. It seemed drastic to her; something that challenged the stereotypical male image. Ultimately, she was understanding and suggested different options. She even went as far as to help me with the aftercare while I learned body positivity.

    I tried all sorts of things, allowing my body to heal, and the hair to grow. And I found I was beginning to love my body and appreciate my image when fully smooth. She witnessed my renewed self-confidence. The validation and encouragement I recieved from her only comforted me further.

    Shortly thereafter, I asked what she thought if I tried to publicly dress up for Halloween. It's a great excuse and I thought I could pull it off (not for others, but between me and myself). She responded with a resounding yes! This was March still, but I needed to prepare for this mentally as well as physically.

    The autumn came and went, as did the winter. I had a few moments of exploring Alexa, but nothing concrete. I felt I wasn't ready yet.

    As Spring started to give way to warmer weather, Layla had gone through all her clothes while doing the summer/winter flip and set aside a suitcase of things she no longer wanted. Because the conversation about Alexa and my self-discovery is always on the table, she offered me to choose what I wanted from her give away pile without a second thought.

    I modeled for her a little. She got excited and helped me order foundation. Then we went and bought my missing make-up items together. And it all led to me finally being dressed and made-up.

    My focus now, embodying Alexa, is to have my very own wardrobe. As much as I love the hand-me-downs, I would love to have my own style - outfit(s) and heels. I still would like to realize my dream of dressing up publicly. I know, without a doubt, that I can count on Layla to continue discussing and sharing this experience.

    I honestly don't know what all this means for me. I have since told a couple of good friends and have been so blessed to be seen as I truly am. One friend told me to do it for my own pleasure without trying to put labels on it. Another shared some nice fashions items.

    There is no way anybody can tell you how to go about sharing the deepest parts of yourself with someone else - SO or not. I hope that by reading my process, you can gain a better understanding of yourself and your process. Should you wish to talk, please don't hesitate to reach out.

    I am still learning and I am incredibly happy.

    Thank you for your time.

  2. #2
    Junior Member TamT's Avatar
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    Thanks for sharing your story. It made me think about my own process.

  3. #3
    Junior Member jaquie's Avatar
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    Alexa,
    That is abeautifully written story. You sound like a very patient, loving and caring person. Crossdressing is an artistic side of ourselves that is not always easy to express in a healthy positive manner.
    Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your innermost thoughts.
    Jaquie

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    Hi Alexa , That is a wonderful story, Thanks for sharing it with us, >Orchid**00**
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  5. #5
    Connie Connie D50's Avatar
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    Alexa what a great post your lucky to have Layla. Connie

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    I wish there was a "love" button to click on for people's posts. Alexa, that was a great post!

  7. #7
    Member Gi Gondin's Avatar
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    Thank you for sharing Alexa. Being honest to yourself and your partner is the best investment in any relationship.
    It?s not fail proof, but beats any other strategy in the long run.

    Anxious to hear the next chapters.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gi Gondin View Post
    Anxious to hear the next chapters.
    Well, I've got a couple online shopping carts full... I'm excited

  9. #9
    Silver Member Frannie7's Avatar
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    Thanks for sharing your story, Alexa.

  10. #10
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Very well written, Alexa. The only thing than concerns me is u seem to think of and refer to Alexa in the 3rd tense!

    But, then again? This is just the beginning of her story isn't it? Judging from my 25 year experience with crossdressing, she's got a long way to go yet!

    I hope u and your wife or SO know what you're in for!?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

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    Quote Originally Posted by docrobbysherry View Post
    The only thing than concerns me is u seem to think of and refer to Alexa in the 3rd tense!
    I know I have a long way to go... I am also unsure how to address myself. I still feel separate from it. I have many questions that can only be answered by community and therapy which are severely lacking where I am...

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlexaWayward View Post
    I know I have a long way to go... I am also unsure how to address myself. I still feel separate from it. I have many questions that can only be answered by community and therapy which are severely lacking where I am...
    I tangled with this years ago. I know some people here find comfort in compartmentalizing their femme aspects, and labeling it much as you do. I rejected that, only because it felt disingenuous to myself. The approach that I take is that I am me. I have many facets, some of which are more feminine in expression than others. I find comfort in dressing in certain ways, both male and female. Sometimes I like to throw on sweats, some comfy socks, grab some hot chocolate and collapse on the couch for a while. Sometimes I like to wear a dress and heels and do things around the house. Both are me. I don't want to compartmentalize my femme aspects because to me it feels like I'm rejecting part of me, forcing it to be in a box that I occasionally take out. To each their own. Find your own groove, and see what works for you.

  13. #13
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    I don't see Docrobby's point- the post begins "My name is Alexa", and while there are a few 3rd-party refs, it's clear that Alexa is an analytical, methodical person, and it's just her way of presenting the facts. She's all about facts, and she's working through the feelings the best way she knows how, analytically and methodically.

    It makes a change from many of us, who are tossed around on stormy seas of conflicting emotions and tides of passion and confusion.

    Having a strong, clear foundation gives you, Alexa, a sturdy framework, and who wouldn't envy that? You're careful to operate within Layla's comfort zone, and it's clear that you and she communicate well. You need to be careful with the body hair issue, until she adjusts, but I think she will come to accept it. She just needs to be sure you still love her and want your life to centre around her, but her sense of fun and accepting nature mean you have a huge advantage over many of us whose partners are reeling from the shock of discovering 'You are not the man I thought I married'.

    Go for it my dear.
    I used to have a short attention spa

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    UPDATE: the past few days have been very difficult. Many personal and internal struggles came to a bursting point which lasted two days.
    During that time, I felt incredibly trapped and limited. Like my life was a void behind me, a void in front of me.

    Without dwelling on the details, I'll try to explain...
    - I am tired of being the society-standard masculine male provider of this house.
    - I do not like what I see in the mirror
    - Am I trying to become 'my type'?
    - Am I a crossdresser or trans? I understand the labels aren't what's important, but the self-understanding is.
    - I crave a sense of belonging to a community and to be able to chat and banter with like-minded people. (Don't get me wrong, this online center is beautiful, however, having to filter then type my thoughts differs from friendly conversation)
    - I may need to speak to a therapist
    - It may not be a good idea to dwell in secrecy anymore.

    This, mixed with other issues regarding work and the future of our growing family, led to a burst. I lashed out at Layla. Not as a result of all these thoughts, not to use her as a scapegoat, but because I needed help. And I still do.

    We have ups and downs. Always. One thing for certain is that we love each other and after the dust settles, we remain supportive of each other and deeply grateful and in love. Also, I can honestly say that this jouney has opened my eyes to myself in a way nothing has before. I am afraid. I can admit that.

    You have all been so beautifully generous. I appreciate the time you take to read and to respond to my rantings.

  15. #15
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    I wonder if starting this thread was the cause of your recent emotional turbulence? Nothing like writing things down to clarify them, and once you've done that, it's impossible to ignore them.

    It sounds like you're up for facing your emotions, which is good. But it's also good to do as you are doing and process/air them here, rather than pouring them all out to Layla. Stoic though she may be, it's a lot for her to process. She needs time to catch up, and to feel safe, so maybe go easy on the honesty for the time being. I'm not saying be untrue to your feelings, just go easy on hers, particularly the subject of Trans. I don't think I need to explain why...

    Thanks for sharing what you're going through and the extra info re your situation. It helps to see the bigger picture.

    Interesting what you say about trying to become your type, because that's exactly what I do, and perhaps it's what many of us do? The lingerie and Goth clothes I love are very much what attracts me - though my wife dresses roughly opposite to that, but then she has qualities which transcend frills and bows.

    I do agree that it would be wise to seek a counsellor or therapist, but it has to be one who is familiar with the subject and is free from eg religious dogma. Not all therapists are good at their jobs, but if you can find one you click with, it should be very helpful indeed, especially where it comes to how you include Layla in your thinking.

    You went through something pretty intense there, but it sounds like you've come out the other side. Allowing yourself to feel what needs to be felt is how we acknowledge and move forward. Suppression is a killer. You're on the right track- just try to keep the revs down and an eye out for pedestrians...
    I used to have a short attention spa

  16. #16
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Alexa, as I pointed out earlier, the issue is not where u r now with your dressing, it's where will it take u when u fall down the rabbit hole?

    For me, after 10 years of hiding with regret and shame in complete private, led me online here. Where in short order I figured what I was, (a CD), and what I wanted out if dressing. Since then, my immediate family knows and dressing and dressers have become my social life. Yet, altho 100's if not 1000's have met sherry, to others that know Robert I'm completely in the closet!

    I suggest u take it slow, one step at time. U and Layla have a long, difficult road ahead. When u need advice and help and can't find a therapist? Remember u can PM people here privately. Where u can say anything without worry of breaking any CD.com rules!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  17. #17
    Princess Candice candykowal's Avatar
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    I read all your posts here in your thread and it sound like you are on a self exploration journey with some sobering real life complications that society can dictate.
    Your comment that you may need to speak to a therapist is a wonderful idea.
    I've went thru a lot of issues myself and saw a therapist.
    In the end, they helped me to find myself and the resources I needed to understand the journey.
    Unfortunately for me, back 45 yrs ago, things were not all connected like they are today.
    Don't just jump into change as the male side of life can be a good resource financially and insurance wise, to spending your income to get where you want to be.
    I am sure you will find a way thru finding what you desire out of life and the key to your happiness.
    Like it was told to me, there is "ALWAYS" a give and take.
    You may even find a way to enjoy both sides of your persona...seems like most of us who are married do so without too many issues.
    Here on the forum, you'll find acceptance but not much real physical support, start you search for some one on one...that's where you'll find help with all of this!
    Candice Coleen Kowal ....all my friends call me Candy!

  18. #18
    Member Felicia M's Avatar
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    Have to say Alexa I absolutely love your OP. I can totally see your thought process and evolution to get to the where you are at now. I am in the midst of trying to understand and learn my own process of telling my SO and this gave me a lot of food for thought.

    Enjoy the journey!
    FM
    I have been circling for a thousand years,
    and I still don?t know if I am a falcon, or a storm,
    or a great song.

    Rainer Maria Rilke
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