I feel disgusting

[CharlotteCD]

I hate my male form, and I will never pass as a female. I thought i'd accepted that, but it seems not.

I'll never be accepted by my parents, and I think most of my friends would struggle to adapt becuase they're casual friends.

I'm embarassed to go out when dressed, and fearful.

It's probably just depression coming to get me, but I just can't be bothered with anything except making sure my family are OK. I am long past caring about myself right now.

If I could switch off my trans thoughts, quit my job, just disappear into the wilderness then i'd be gone in a shot.

Please tell me i'm not alone in feeling like this, and having these awful times?

I'm supposed to be feeling good, as i'm just 36 hours away from having a whole 2 days en femme.

[Sybilla Valesian]

Hi Charlotte, my feelings aren't as strong as yours, but they have been. You should care about yourself and try and go easy on yourself !

[AlexaWayward]

On most days, I loathe the male form that I see in my reflection. I have so many reasons to. The knowing that I am slowly caring for myself to see what I wish to see in the mirror gives me comfort.

You are not alone. And sometimes we really need to just talk things out. Or take a bath.

2 days en femme is super exciting tho!

[JaneAshland]

VERY FEW of us pass, broad shoulders, adams apple, no bottom, deep voice, masculine moves, etc etc etc....... I would not worry about passing and just learn to be yourself and work with what God gave you. We ALL struggle with the same as you. You are NOT alone. I struggle all the time, identity identity identity!!!!!! It is a constant struggle. I have so many urges when dressed, then I try to analyze when not dressed and feel so ashamed. We all have our personal demons to live and come to terms with.

[Sometimes Steffi]

If that's you in the avatar, I think you pass with flying colors.

I think you need a gurl friend to take you on some adventures. If you live near DC, I'll take you out. Are there any trans groups near you? Any members nearby. Or go to a Trans conference. Be a girl all day and all night for 4 days.

Some people believe that there is life after death. I believe that life is not a dress rehearsal. No hell below us, above us only sky. I act accordingly.

Boy me is kind of a loner. I have way more gurl friends than male friends.

[Geena75]

As has been stated, you are in good company. I have noticed, with a real degree of concern, that some members/crossdressers often have feelings of disgust about themselves. Some it is guilt feelings of engaging in what I call our "peculiar pastime," and doing it secretly. Sometimes it is despising their own body -- specifically their birth gender. And it can also encompass their feminine impression not meeting the standards they have set for themselves.

The only solution I can see is finding some paths to acceptance. You have a family, so it is pretty likely they appreciate your male form -- give them some credit for being perceptive -- they likely have something there. Your feminine look is a work in progress, and it is always YOU. You have value, which is evident from the outpouring of support from your friends on this forum.

Hang in there, you have a lot of people on your side, both near and far.

[MonicaPVD]

Lighten up, woman. Passing is a social construct and, for most trans and CD folx who are past our twenties, an actual impossibility. For every hot, young, petite little transwoman or CDer or trap posting online and fueling our insecurities, there are 50 of us regular-looking people and another 50 cis women who are even less attractive and appealing than us! The trick is to understand that none of this matters because we aren't 19 years old anymore. People will accept you, treat you, even desire you based on the energy you have to offer in your presentation. It took me years to figure this out, with my broad shoulders, big hands and ridiculously massive feet. It's all about your energy. Whitney Houston wasn't lying when she said that the greatest love of all was inside of her. (She would go on to let Bobby Brown zap it out of her, eventually, but that's a story for another day.) Love yourself, pamper yourself, come to terms with the fact that you are attractive even if you don't look like Taylor Swift or Dua Lipa. You. Are. Beautiful. And, there is no better time to celebrate that fact than right now.

[Princess29]

Charlotte, you never know what is going to happen tomorrow. If it means taking a break, that's ok.
I will never "pass" and I never will despite my efforts. All we can do is present the best image we can and if don't have a support network (I don't), we just have to find our "yes, you are correct. I am a man in a dress.....so what?" to the world.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time and even if today is a bit gloomy and cloudy, get a good umbrella and keep going until the sun shines again

[Natalie5004]

Go get a cute new dress. That will stop those terrible feelings. Dress should be pink.

Natalie

[Princess29]

I had my first dress up session at home for a while the other day but didn't go out. My thoughts were a mixture of "wow, this is great....this is why I like doing this" and "WTF am I doing? I must look ridiculous". Not having a support network on the issue and having to do almost everything on my own usually pushes me to not bother making the effort to go out (well, that and a few other factors aside from the current state of madness in the world) and around and around the cycle goes

[Pumped]

Monica, 50? Probably 500 that can't pass to 1 that can!

i know I will never pass, not even trying. I walk and stand like a 60 year old man. My voice will never be even close. I have accepted that this is who I am and I need to live with it. It does help a huge amount that I have a sweet wife that puts up with my insanity. I still feel better when I strap on the boobs and hip pads and get dolled up.

I would love to be a sexy, beautiful woman, but it isn't going to happen.

[Helen_Highwater]

Passing is a social construct and, for most trans and CD folx who are past our twenties, an actual impossibility.

That is one of the best critiques of the fallacy of trying to pass I've read here. I don't pass but it doesn't stop me going out and interacting with one and all any opportunity I get.

It also leads me on to what is one of my pet hates, FaceApp and Photo shopping. Okay I understand why folks do it. It's nice to fantasise about looking good, to be that attractive female but for others it leaves them feeling they can't match that level of passing and so feel ever more insecure about their own appearance.

I will always show how I look warts and all so that when others see my image and that I don't pass but do get out and about and have a great time doing it that they will say, if she can I can and get out there too.

So Charlotte, I hereby award you free membership of the NPBGOC, the, Not passing But Going Out Club. Make the most of your membership.

[josie_S]

You are absolutely not alone and I am sorry you are struggling.

[kimdl93]

You are not alone in such feelings. I have entertained every one of those same feelings. I find I still do from time to time, although the intensity of self doubt and self loathing can vary wildly.

[Karren H]

If you could switch off your trans thoughts then you wouldn't have to quit your job and run away.... but since you can't switch them off.... then just accept it for what it is and enjoy the time you get. Passing is over rated anyway! More fun when you don't blend in, IMHO!

[TheHiddenMe]

We're not trained Gender therapists but that's what I think you need.

It's probably just depression coming to get me, but I just can't be bothered with anything except making sure my family are OK. I am long past caring about myself right now.

If I could switch off my trans thoughts, quit my job, just disappear into the wilderness then i'd be gone in a shot.

To make sure your family is OK, you DO need to care about yourself. You need to deal with a therapist to deal with the depression and the self-loathing, because it does impact your family.

Perhaps the reason you don't feel good is that you know after the two days you revert back to the non-Charlotte you?

Try to enjoy your dressing time. Try to ignore the devil on your shoulder that tells you should worry about what other people think.Try to overcome the fear.

Then afterwards, take the first step towards dealing with the issues you face, and find a therapist. You owe it to yourself and your family.

[Bea_]

I cannot relate to the idea of hating my male form. The truth is I love being a man and I love being an atypical man. I miss my youthful physique. I don't like the amount of body hair that came with testosterone injections. But, I love exploring the possibilities that come with an open mind towards my wardrobe and style.

All that being said, I deal with a pervasive sense of rejection just because of how people "would" react if they knew the real me. That sense of rejection is base pretty much on fact and is not a personal fabrication. Technically, we can wear what we want anywhere we want to wear it. But, stepping outside the norm will often come at a high cost.

The world is complicated and mostly contradictory with many, if not most, people never really considering why they have the opinions that they have. And, even as I question my own opinions, I have to realize that much of what forms my opinions isn't even available to me at a conscious level. The subconscious hides much of who we are and what we think of ourselves and others.

One thought that has come to me on rethinking your post is the idea of "disgust at your male form". It brings memories of articles I've read about anorexic girls being "disgusted" by what they saw in the mirror, seeing themselves as fat even when every bone showed through their skin. My question would be that "If your genitalia were to disappear and boobs appear, but not in the idealized feminine body, would you be less disgusted?" Maybe I'm being my typical over-analytical self and reading too much into your post, but "disgust" is such a harsh term to use about ourselves. I hope that you come to some peace about it all.

[Nadine Spirit]

I actually fully agree with Aunt Kelly. I read your first sentence and thought, awww, that's sad that dysphoria is strangling this poor girl.

[CharlotteCD]

Thanks for the responses, and for the PMs that I received. I haven't responded to them, or the posts in this thread as I haven't been able to face it.

I don't feel as bad as I did, but equally I am far from being happier. I had my 36 hours en femme, and I actually spent just 7 hours dressed. I couldn't put things on because of how I expected I would look. I couldn't go out when I was dressed because of how I actually looked, which was as bad as I had feared.

My eating disorder has run rampant. My counselling isn't helping. I start another counselling shortly, and hope that'll help me.

[Missy Dawn]

One day at a time and one step at a time. You're beautiful and precious and loved and have all of us here for you. You're much stronger than you give yourself credit. I imagine almost everyone on this site has gone through and had similar issues like the kind you're going through. Hang in there sweet beautiful lady. The world is a better place because of you!
Peace and Love
Missy Dawn

[DianeT]

Charlotte, for a long time I disliked some of my male attributes that I found disgraceful. Muscular legs and what's between them as an example. I was annoyed with puberty and the transformations it brought (the above, the hair, the voice change). But each time I told my wife about it (that was before I came out to her as a CDer), how I found the female figure and body graceful and delightful, elegant and stylish, she kept telling me how she loved my male body and figure and every aspect of it, even the dangling part that I found unappealing, and that I was just looking at it from a male point of view. After hearing this for years and years from her, and being filled with perplexity, I slowly began to look at the male body, mine, others' too, as something that could be beautiful and lovable after all, and I think that it was helped with the fact that we see more male nudity, including frontal, in shows nowadays (like I think that this sexist cultural habit of only showing female nudity in the older ones was part of the problem), even if we can't all resemble Greek statues like the caricatural male models of series such as Game of Thrones. I gradually began to accept my male body. It didn't diminish my dressing desire any bit, but it made it a more healthy experience, since the dressing's aim wasn't tainted anymore with a desire to escape my male body. It is now a purer and sincere attempt to experience a bit of the beauty I see in women, and like some said we won't reach perfection anytime soon, but any bit of this beauty I can catch is something I am content with, and I treasure it a lot more now that it doesn't compete with my male self. It is just an additional experience. I love my female presentation, as imperfect as it may be, and when I see my male self showing through, it isn't a disgrace anymore, it is just me showing through, I am male all right, this "me" shining through is just a seal of authenticity. I sometimes take pictures with a light makeup and without the wig to witness this. Despite the boobs and fake hips that are artificial indeed, they look real, because the face is real, because I am looking right into the camera and somehow not pretending anymore. And I actually like these pictures. A lot.
I hope you will learn to love yourself, every part of it, no matter how you present. Your wife can probably help. The secret to love your female look, as imperfect as it may be, may possibly lie in learning to accept and love your male self first (at least it was in my case. Your mileage may vary).

[Gi Gondin]

Charlotte,

First I hope you feel better now. Recognizing that as a race we are going through a very tough time and have also to deal with our individual dramas can alleviate a bit our anxieties.

A great amount of good and sound advice had been given in this thread. I would like to give another perspective - improvement. Little improvements. Daily improvements. Goals and plans.

Since I learned to accept this side of me and found a supportive partner, I work daily towards goals that would make me happier. Could be body shape (losing weight, working to develop or not some parts that give a more feminine shape), laser hair removal, shaving other parts that I?m not ready to permanently remove body hair, buying prosthetics (breast forms,?), enrolling in online makeup courses, learning to walk on heels (higher, longer, faster, graceful), understanding what kind of clothes, sizes, color matching work better for my shape?there are a million ways.

Its about taking this moment as a step, not the finish line. Writing down your goals, what are the steps to achieve them, planning and execution.

Enjoy the ride!

[GretchenM]

I suspect a vast majority of us go through these kinds of feelings about ourselves at one time or another. I sure have. But resolution for me was in not desiring to be passable because I really am not capable of that if passable means the glamorous presentation. We need to learn to be comfortable with who we are and when one reaches that stay there for as long as possible. Look around you. You will find lots of women that are not physically beautiful and don't necessarily dress well either. Instead of passable, perhaps presentable is a better goal.

What really concerns me is your urge to "just disappear into the wilderness" thinking. Also the self loathing. Those are very, very serious symptoms. But I wonder why you feel you would need to switch off your trans thoughts to do that? Sounds to me like you are punishing yourself because you are gender variant. It is irrational and therefore most likely severe depression. It is not "coming to get you;" it is here and now in your world.

Please Charlotte seek out some professional help. It doesn't need to be a gender specialist as most therapists today have experience with gender issues. In my opinion, you need to resolve the depression primarily and maybe adjust your gender thinking a bit at the same time. I think your goals are unreasonable and based on a feeling that if you can't have it all you can't have any. A therapist can help you find your way. They don't tell you what to do; the help you to discover the solutions that are right for you on your own.

PLEASE SEEK HELP SOON.

[Crissy 107]

Another great post by GretchenM, Charlotte please listen, we love you!

[Julie MA]

Charlotte,

Keep seeking. Keep trying. We are here for you.

I pray for your strength and peace,

Julie