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Thread: I feel disgusting

  1. #26
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Hi, Charlotte.
    Your first sentence describes gender dysphoria in the first five words, "I hate my male form..."

    The rest of that sentence, "...I will never pass as a female," is true for most of us who were AMAB. The good news is that you don't have to "pass" in order to be accepted and treated as a woman. It's true - most people will treat us as the gender we present, because it's the polite thing to do, and most people are polite. Yes, of course there are ignorant assholes out there, but they are fewer and further between than most here seem to believe. When it's friends and family who are so ignorant and fearful though, it's as if the whole world is so because "everyone who matters" is so.

    What you describe as "depression" is, probably, the dysphoria. When we can not live as our authentic selves, the world can look pretty bleak. Are you in counseling? If not, get started ASAP. A skilled therapist and an honest, diligent approach by you will pay off.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

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  2. #27
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Charlotte, I found your post very moving. I think it will sound glib, so apologies in advance, but the terms you use are so strong that I find myself wondering if this is about more than passing as a female.

    Perhaps you would never have felt accepted by your parents regardless of how you chose to present? Some parents can be really bad at parenting. Your words make me wonder if their lack of acceptance may have been a major hurdle for you all your life?

    I'm wondering if, were your dream to become true and you found yourself disappeared into the wilderness, would that feeling of not being accepted still haunt you?

    You mention feelings of depression, of no longer caring about yourself, and again I wonder if you might still be having feelings like this even if you'd never thought of putting on a dress and wishing you were a woman.

    Would you consider therapy, or a support group, to address feelings of low self esteem, depression, of feeling unaccepted, rather than focussing on the wish to be a woman?

    If you could come to terms with those problems, it might make dealing with Charlotte a lot easier.

    Hugs, Nikki
    I used to have a short attention spa

  3. #28
    Senior Member Geena75's Avatar
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    As has been stated, you are in good company. I have noticed, with a real degree of concern, that some members/crossdressers often have feelings of disgust about themselves. Some it is guilt feelings of engaging in what I call our "peculiar pastime," and doing it secretly. Sometimes it is despising their own body -- specifically their birth gender. And it can also encompass their feminine impression not meeting the standards they have set for themselves.

    The only solution I can see is finding some paths to acceptance. You have a family, so it is pretty likely they appreciate your male form -- give them some credit for being perceptive -- they likely have something there. Your feminine look is a work in progress, and it is always YOU. You have value, which is evident from the outpouring of support from your friends on this forum.

    Hang in there, you have a lot of people on your side, both near and far.

  4. #29
    Junior Member Missy Dawn's Avatar
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    Hi Charlotte,
    I was disgusted with for years desires to dress. I felt like I was a freak. I finally was going through PTSD therapy and it came out about these feelings. The therapist assured that there nothing wrong with me and that I'm perfectly normal. In fact she told me that so called "normal" people a a minority of the population. They only represent about 25% of the population. I'll never be able to come out to my family and so called friends but I finally come to the most important person in my life, ME. Hang in there sweetie and don't give up. You're a beautiful human being and worth it.
    Peace and Love
    Missy Dawn

  5. #30
    Member Lisa516's Avatar
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    Hang in there and I hope you're feeling better.

    We all have our personal demons to live and come to terms with.
    so true.
    As many as 43 percent of all people with gender dysphoria attempt suicide in their lives. dont let yourself become part of that very tragic statistic.
    Balance-Dignity-Acceptance-Responsibility-

  6. #31
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Charlotte, I feel for you, and relate quite a bit. I have a number of very difficult lifelong issues i have had all my life and cding is one, and my masculinity, and Highly sensitive mind, and it affects everything, and i am not at ease with other men.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  7. #32
    Fun Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    Go get a cute new dress. That will stop those terrible feelings. Dress should be pink.

    Natalie

  8. #33
    Senior Member Princess29's Avatar
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    I had my first dress up session at home for a while the other day but didn't go out. My thoughts were a mixture of "wow, this is great....this is why I like doing this" and "WTF am I doing? I must look ridiculous". Not having a support network on the issue and having to do almost everything on my own usually pushes me to not bother making the effort to go out (well, that and a few other factors aside from the current state of madness in the world) and around and around the cycle goes

  9. #34
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    I cannot relate to the idea of hating my male form. The truth is I love being a man and I love being an atypical man. I miss my youthful physique. I don't like the amount of body hair that came with testosterone injections. But, I love exploring the possibilities that come with an open mind towards my wardrobe and style.

    All that being said, I deal with a pervasive sense of rejection just because of how people "would" react if they knew the real me. That sense of rejection is base pretty much on fact and is not a personal fabrication. Technically, we can wear what we want anywhere we want to wear it. But, stepping outside the norm will often come at a high cost.

    The world is complicated and mostly contradictory with many, if not most, people never really considering why they have the opinions that they have. And, even as I question my own opinions, I have to realize that much of what forms my opinions isn't even available to me at a conscious level. The subconscious hides much of who we are and what we think of ourselves and others.

    One thought that has come to me on rethinking your post is the idea of "disgust at your male form". It brings memories of articles I've read about anorexic girls being "disgusted" by what they saw in the mirror, seeing themselves as fat even when every bone showed through their skin. My question would be that "If your genitalia were to disappear and boobs appear, but not in the idealized feminine body, would you be less disgusted?" Maybe I'm being my typical over-analytical self and reading too much into your post, but "disgust" is such a harsh term to use about ourselves. I hope that you come to some peace about it all.

  10. #35
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    I actually fully agree with Aunt Kelly. I read your first sentence and thought, awww, that's sad that dysphoria is strangling this poor girl.

  11. #36
    Member CharlotteCD's Avatar
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    Thanks for the responses, and for the PMs that I received. I haven't responded to them, or the posts in this thread as I haven't been able to face it.

    I don't feel as bad as I did, but equally I am far from being happier. I had my 36 hours en femme, and I actually spent just 7 hours dressed. I couldn't put things on because of how I expected I would look. I couldn't go out when I was dressed because of how I actually looked, which was as bad as I had feared.

    My eating disorder has run rampant. My counselling isn't helping. I start another counselling shortly, and hope that'll help me.

  12. #37
    Junior Member Missy Dawn's Avatar
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    One day at a time and one step at a time. You're beautiful and precious and loved and have all of us here for you. You're much stronger than you give yourself credit. I imagine almost everyone on this site has gone through and had similar issues like the kind you're going through. Hang in there sweet beautiful lady. The world is a better place because of you!
    Peace and Love
    Missy Dawn

  13. #38
    Member Kelli_cd's Avatar
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    It's easier to look at my reflection when I know I'm wearing a bra and panties. I'd like it even better if my situation allowed me having a female wardrobe, but I do the best I can with I have.

  14. #39
    Feminaut Julie MA's Avatar
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    Charlotte,

    Keep seeking. Keep trying. We are here for you.

    I pray for your strength and peace,

    Julie
    Inside my heart is breaking
    My make-up may be flaking
    But my smile still stays on

    C'est la vie CD

  15. #40
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    It has taken me over 60 + yrs to realize and to be still and know, it is not much the outward appearance of anyone that really is all that important Charlotte. It is the inner person, the heart that matters FAR FAR FAR MORE, than my body type or look. Be still and know, you are a beautiful unique person in guy mode or gal mode, ad the inner unseen person you are is more important that anything else. I have hated myself most of my life and still struggle with it at times, but as the sands of time in my hour glass are slipping away faster, in my vey trouble life alone, and i feel it, I am finally accepting the painful things i cannot change, and learning o accept myself. I never liked being six foot six and odd, Highly Sensitive, and strange. Hang in there , and you are ok and a unique person no matter if male and dress either way. It truly is the inner person and heart that matter most.
    IT TAKES A REAL DRESS TO WEAR A MAN.

  16. #41
    Sallee Sallee's Avatar
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    lots of good advice here Follow some of it and you will be doing and feeling better. I find a therapist does wonders at least it did for me and every few months or so a adjustment by the therapist always helps. My motto is "Have Fun enjoy yourself and do no harm." It doesn't always help but it does a lot of the time
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Sallee

  17. #42
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    Theres some old thing i read about the longer you look in a mirror the less you recognise yourself...

    Maybe take it all a bit lighter sometimes and enjoy the 4 other senses in all of this. And indeed all of the time.

    Thats my best advice. As for depression, thats a cue to not ignore but fix something. Theres no running unless you want to run forever.

    Talking is better than not. Find better friends - maybe they're here.

    Good luck

  18. #43
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    Like you, I dislike my male form (but I don't hate it), and I would never pass as female. I don't even try. If I did try I'd just fall into the uncanny valley and be a tragic joke.

    Maybe this is not to your taste and sensibilities, nor those of many members here, but MIAD works for me. I'm realistic about not passing, so I put together the best, most tasteful and presentable skirt outfits I can and just go. I know I don't fool anyone, but I am accepted for who I am, which is a very untypical man with whom women feel comfortable. SAs in dress shops address me exactly as the do any other customer. Female customers talk to me and comment on my choices as they would anyone else. And random women in the malls stop me to tell me how nice I look. It all makes me feel as though I have been accepted into the women's side of the clubhouse. There is nothing wrong with being identifiable as a man in a skirt.

    Again, my approach may not sound palatable to many, or most, or ANY of the members here, but I am living proof that it works. It's a realistic approach that allows me to enjoy my life instead of staying at home waiting and hoping to become passable, a state that grows more distant with each day we age.

  19. #44
    New Member ShoeziQ's Avatar
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    I understand. You're not alone.
    My family would lose it, I'd be disowned. I would lose my job immediately.
    I can tell you that I get pleasure in the "attempt" to be more feminine.
    I hope you find some peace, I know it's tough.

  20. #45
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
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    hello Charlotte,
    I am sure many cross-dressers have the same thoughts and feelings at some times in their lives and it can be very powerful.
    It is not your fault (or our fault) that "society" does not accept cross-dressing.
    Someone gave me some advice recently: Don't take it personally! Try repeating that to yourself.
    stay healthy!
    luv J

  21. #46
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    I will just say that we all have to like ourselves.
    Not in any egotistical way but, not liking one's self is very self defeating.

    Personally, i have always liked myself, almost to a fault at times.
    Admittedly, in the past there was a bit of "Sheldon Cooper" in me until i realized that is self defeating also
    So you need to have a good balance between really liking yourself while not offending others.

  22. #47
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    I can't claim to be the one to feel that the songs epitomize what I feel; that goes to moonfire777 / genderbender 2010, or whoever it was that put up two MTF makeover videos on youtube in the late 2000's. She appeared to be a late teen, slight of build, but height unknown. She transitioned, and then disappeared from youtube, taking her channel down, I suppose trying to go stealth, though I do remember mention of her being outed as TS, and having to move again to another location, I suppose to regain a bit of anonymity.

    Still, most of us never had the slightest chance of ever coming close to becoming as beautiful as she did.
    Doesn't matter, really; we all have to live with who and what we are, one way or another. I came to accept long ago, that I would never, ever be able to pass again, once through puberty and grown to my adult form.
    One way I deal, is by eliminating mirrors from my home, unless needed for specific grooming. This way, all I have, is what's visible from my own eyes, and that's fem enough. I've also reconciled my existence and public behavior as a male, as simply a role I must play, and a 'man uniform' that I must wear, in order to do certain chores, much the same as a underwater diver must behave in certain ways, and wear the diving suit and equipment in order to do what he wants to get done.

    The song he used for his first video, was; Gary Go, 'Wonderful'. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRmFQGFH0yE
    The second he used, was 'Brooklyn', which oddly matched my location when I found the video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRmFQGFH0yE
    Have a listen. Hope it helps find you some peace.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  23. #48
    Member CharlotteCD's Avatar
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    I just thought I would check in and give an update.

    Since the original post I have come out of the depression that I was finding myself in, and have regained control in various aspects of my life. My work is back on track, I am going to be 4 weeks binge free in a couple of days, and I have lost 4kg thanks to my controlled eating and consistent exercise regime. I'm also almost over the bronchitis that's been bothering me for a long time now.

    In terms of dressing, I haven't had the time to actually dress properly, however have started wearing womens jeans and jeggings when I work. This has been a big boost for me because I have been able to express how I feel more comfortable, and it's totally accepted and fine because I work in a progressive workplace. It's allowing me to get it out of my system you could say!

  24. #49
    Silver Member CynthiaD's Avatar
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    Welcome back Charlotte!

    There was a time — years ago now — when I would have those WTF moments. I’d think "Why am I doing this? This is crazy!" But then I’d force myself to get all dolled up and then I’d look at myself in the mirror. When I saw a woman looking back at me, even if it was mostly my imagination, I knew why I was doing it.

    Now I know it all the time. Trust me, the WTF moments will fade away.

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