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Thread: I feel disgusting

  1. #1
    Member CharlotteCD's Avatar
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    I feel disgusting

    I hate my male form, and I will never pass as a female. I thought i'd accepted that, but it seems not.

    I'll never be accepted by my parents, and I think most of my friends would struggle to adapt becuase they're casual friends.

    I'm embarassed to go out when dressed, and fearful.

    It's probably just depression coming to get me, but I just can't be bothered with anything except making sure my family are OK. I am long past caring about myself right now.

    If I could switch off my trans thoughts, quit my job, just disappear into the wilderness then i'd be gone in a shot.

    Please tell me i'm not alone in feeling like this, and having these awful times?

    I'm supposed to be feeling good, as i'm just 36 hours away from having a whole 2 days en femme.

  2. #2
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    Hi Charlotte, my feelings aren't as strong as yours, but they have been. You should care about yourself and try and go easy on yourself !

  3. #3
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    On most days, I loathe the male form that I see in my reflection. I have so many reasons to. The knowing that I am slowly caring for myself to see what I wish to see in the mirror gives me comfort.

    You are not alone. And sometimes we really need to just talk things out. Or take a bath.

    2 days en femme is super exciting tho!

  4. #4
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    VERY FEW of us pass, broad shoulders, adams apple, no bottom, deep voice, masculine moves, etc etc etc....... I would not worry about passing and just learn to be yourself and work with what God gave you. We ALL struggle with the same as you. You are NOT alone. I struggle all the time, identity identity identity!!!!!! It is a constant struggle. I have so many urges when dressed, then I try to analyze when not dressed and feel so ashamed. We all have our personal demons to live and come to terms with.

  5. #5
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    If that's you in the avatar, I think you pass with flying colors.

    I think you need a gurl friend to take you on some adventures. If you live near DC, I'll take you out. Are there any trans groups near you? Any members nearby. Or go to a Trans conference. Be a girl all day and all night for 4 days.

    Some people believe that there is life after death. I believe that life is not a dress rehearsal. No hell below us, above us only sky. I act accordingly.

    Boy me is kind of a loner. I have way more gurl friends than male friends.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Lighten up, woman. Passing is a social construct and, for most trans and CD folx who are past our twenties, an actual impossibility. For every hot, young, petite little transwoman or CDer or trap posting online and fueling our insecurities, there are 50 of us regular-looking people and another 50 cis women who are even less attractive and appealing than us! The trick is to understand that none of this matters because we aren't 19 years old anymore. People will accept you, treat you, even desire you based on the energy you have to offer in your presentation. It took me years to figure this out, with my broad shoulders, big hands and ridiculously massive feet. It's all about your energy. Whitney Houston wasn't lying when she said that the greatest love of all was inside of her. (She would go on to let Bobby Brown zap it out of her, eventually, but that's a story for another day.) Love yourself, pamper yourself, come to terms with the fact that you are attractive even if you don't look like Taylor Swift or Dua Lipa. You. Are. Beautiful. And, there is no better time to celebrate that fact than right now.
    Last edited by MonicaPVD; 07-12-2021 at 09:33 PM.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Princess29's Avatar
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    Charlotte, you never know what is going to happen tomorrow. If it means taking a break, that's ok.
    I will never "pass" and I never will despite my efforts. All we can do is present the best image we can and if don't have a support network (I don't), we just have to find our "yes, you are correct. I am a man in a dress.....so what?" to the world.
    Keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time and even if today is a bit gloomy and cloudy, get a good umbrella and keep going until the sun shines again

  8. #8
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    You are not alone in such feelings. I have entertained every one of those same feelings. I find I still do from time to time, although the intensity of self doubt and self loathing can vary wildly.
    Our only truth is narrative truth, the stories we tell each other and ourselves, the stories we continually recategorize and refine. Such subjectivity is built into the very nature of memory. Oliver Sacks

  9. #9
    Miss Conception Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    If you could switch off your trans thoughts then you wouldn't have to quit your job and run away.... but since you can't switch them off.... then just accept it for what it is and enjoy the time you get. Passing is over rated anyway! More fun when you don't blend in, IMHO!
    I reject your reality and substitute my own!:

  10. #10
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    We're not trained Gender therapists but that's what I think you need.

    It's probably just depression coming to get me, but I just can't be bothered with anything except making sure my family are OK. I am long past caring about myself right now.

    If I could switch off my trans thoughts, quit my job, just disappear into the wilderness then i'd be gone in a shot.
    To make sure your family is OK, you DO need to care about yourself. You need to deal with a therapist to deal with the depression and the self-loathing, because it does impact your family.

    Perhaps the reason you don't feel good is that you know after the two days you revert back to the non-Charlotte you?

    Try to enjoy your dressing time. Try to ignore the devil on your shoulder that tells you should worry about what other people think.Try to overcome the fear.

    Then afterwards, take the first step towards dealing with the issues you face, and find a therapist. You owe it to yourself and your family.

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Charlotte, for a long time I disliked some of my male attributes that I found disgraceful. Muscular legs and what's between them as an example. I was annoyed with puberty and the transformations it brought (the above, the hair, the voice change). But each time I told my wife about it (that was before I came out to her as a CDer), how I found the female figure and body graceful and delightful, elegant and stylish, she kept telling me how she loved my male body and figure and every aspect of it, even the dangling part that I found unappealing, and that I was just looking at it from a male point of view. After hearing this for years and years from her, and being filled with perplexity, I slowly began to look at the male body, mine, others' too, as something that could be beautiful and lovable after all, and I think that it was helped with the fact that we see more male nudity, including frontal, in shows nowadays (like I think that this sexist cultural habit of only showing female nudity in the older ones was part of the problem), even if we can't all resemble Greek statues like the caricatural male models of series such as Game of Thrones. I gradually began to accept my male body. It didn't diminish my dressing desire any bit, but it made it a more healthy experience, since the dressing's aim wasn't tainted anymore with a desire to escape my male body. It is now a purer and sincere attempt to experience a bit of the beauty I see in women, and like some said we won't reach perfection anytime soon, but any bit of this beauty I can catch is something I am content with, and I treasure it a lot more now that it doesn't compete with my male self. It is just an additional experience. I love my female presentation, as imperfect as it may be, and when I see my male self showing through, it isn't a disgrace anymore, it is just me showing through, I am male all right, this "me" shining through is just a seal of authenticity. I sometimes take pictures with a light makeup and without the wig to witness this. Despite the boobs and fake hips that are artificial indeed, they look real, because the face is real, because I am looking right into the camera and somehow not pretending anymore. And I actually like these pictures. A lot.
    I hope you will learn to love yourself, every part of it, no matter how you present. Your wife can probably help. The secret to love your female look, as imperfect as it may be, may possibly lie in learning to accept and love your male self first (at least it was in my case. Your mileage may vary).
    Last edited by DianeT; 07-13-2021 at 04:51 AM. Reason: Choice of words, precisions.

  12. #12
    Member Gi Gondin's Avatar
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    Charlotte,

    First I hope you feel better now. Recognizing that as a race we are going through a very tough time and have also to deal with our individual dramas can alleviate a bit our anxieties.

    A great amount of good and sound advice had been given in this thread. I would like to give another perspective - improvement. Little improvements. Daily improvements. Goals and plans.

    Since I learned to accept this side of me and found a supportive partner, I work daily towards goals that would make me happier. Could be body shape (losing weight, working to develop or not some parts that give a more feminine shape), laser hair removal, shaving other parts that I?m not ready to permanently remove body hair, buying prosthetics (breast forms,?), enrolling in online makeup courses, learning to walk on heels (higher, longer, faster, graceful), understanding what kind of clothes, sizes, color matching work better for my shape?there are a million ways.

    Its about taking this moment as a step, not the finish line. Writing down your goals, what are the steps to achieve them, planning and execution.

    Enjoy the ride!

  13. #13
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    I suspect a vast majority of us go through these kinds of feelings about ourselves at one time or another. I sure have. But resolution for me was in not desiring to be passable because I really am not capable of that if passable means the glamorous presentation. We need to learn to be comfortable with who we are and when one reaches that stay there for as long as possible. Look around you. You will find lots of women that are not physically beautiful and don't necessarily dress well either. Instead of passable, perhaps presentable is a better goal.

    What really concerns me is your urge to "just disappear into the wilderness" thinking. Also the self loathing. Those are very, very serious symptoms. But I wonder why you feel you would need to switch off your trans thoughts to do that? Sounds to me like you are punishing yourself because you are gender variant. It is irrational and therefore most likely severe depression. It is not "coming to get you;" it is here and now in your world.

    Please Charlotte seek out some professional help. It doesn't need to be a gender specialist as most therapists today have experience with gender issues. In my opinion, you need to resolve the depression primarily and maybe adjust your gender thinking a bit at the same time. I think your goals are unreasonable and based on a feeling that if you can't have it all you can't have any. A therapist can help you find your way. They don't tell you what to do; the help you to discover the solutions that are right for you on your own.

    PLEASE SEEK HELP SOON.

  14. #14
    Gold Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Another great post by GretchenM, Charlotte please listen, we love you!
    Crissy

  15. #15
    What a great life
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    Find a CD Zoom group that will help you deal with your desire and acceptance. What area do you live I don?t pass ether but I just got back from flying to the Detroit Invasion. Nobody cares besides this what you feel and it not illegal you not doing nothing wrong this is who you are so deal with it and have fun. what WE need to do is get out as much as we can and live and love your life. This is the only way we can live a normal life.

  16. #16
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    I struggled for many years with this. I am going to give it some thought then I will come give an insightful reply. But if your friends won't accept it get new friends and often times family will surprise you, I know mine has.

  17. #17
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    You are not alone. I am sure everyone at some point has pondered these thoughts. I have no idea what the word "trans" means anymore. It's a word, but, what does it mean to any one individual?

    Decades ago, before the internet and any resource material, I had no idea who I was. I knew I was not acting like a male was suppose to act. Yes, I did all sorts of manly things. Yet, I was drawn to wearing women's clothing. Was I gay? Society in the 1950's and 1960's declared any male who wore women's clothing was a homosexual. Totally confusing. I went through way too long a period of self loathing. Self hatred. Not because of my size. Back then I was six foot one and 140 pounds. It was all mental. I conquered the self loathing part. Now I still have to deal with the problem that people seem not to be all that accepting of what I do.

    I cannot do anything about my six foot male frame and its 200 pounds. That physique is great as a male. Women over the years thought I was good looking; six foot, 175 pounds, lots of blond hair, muscle toned but not muscular. Now? I cannot do anything about the fact I will look like a "man in a dress."

    So, is one truly a transsexual in the classic sense of a person trapped in the wrong body.? Or, is the person a disgruntled cross dresser because he does not fit into the societal desirable womanly form; five foot six, 120 pounds +/-? Nothing can be done about height. Weight may be controlled to some degree. Form can be created with enhancements and pads. But, the mind?

    Professional guidance may be needed to figure out how to negotiate the world. And, to figure out where one truly stands on the spectrum. Another word that did not exist when I was your age.
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 07-22-2021 at 06:20 PM. Reason: grammer

  18. #18
    Silver Member Leslie Mary S's Avatar
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    You are not alone. Unlike most people here I DID NOT really start at an early age. I found my female self in my early 60s.
    I have no hope in passing so I do not even try. The one big thing I am doing is I am trying to reduce my weight/shape to something better. I am lucky because I am retired. I a also blessed that I live alone. wife passed on in 2000. I am hindered living in a non-accepting community and can't afford to move.
    Do you have, in you house, a SO who is supportive? if you do, feel lucky.
    I have 3 grown DADT children, they say it is OK for me to do as I wish but not around them, their family, or friends. Welcome to small town southern mentality.
    Leslie Mary Shy
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    The PINK FOG may seem, at times, to go away, but in fact it just ebbs and flows but does not go away._
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  19. #19
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Charlotte, I hope u will reread your post at arms length, like I am doing? Because to me, it appears to be a cry for HELP!

    I can't say I've been exactly where u r, but we r ALL a bit different. I DO KNOW when I needed professional help, I go it! My therapist took 5 minutes to deal with my dressing then moved on to my real problems!

    And, u have some real issues, girl! Your family, job, relatives, and friends all seem to be speed bumps in your journey called life. If u want help, get it. We here aren't qualified and neither r u! A good, experienced, counselor may in just one session help u to identify your issues and help u find solutions.

    I believe your dressing issues r clouding many more serious PROBLEMS!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  20. #20
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Monica, 50? Probably 500 that can't pass to 1 that can!

    i know I will never pass, not even trying. I walk and stand like a 60 year old man. My voice will never be even close. I have accepted that this is who I am and I need to live with it. It does help a huge amount that I have a sweet wife that puts up with my insanity. I still feel better when I strap on the boobs and hip pads and get dolled up.

    I would love to be a sexy, beautiful woman, but it isn't going to happen.

  21. #21
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MonicaPVD View Post
    Passing is a social construct and, for most trans and CD folx who are past our twenties, an actual impossibility.
    That is one of the best critiques of the fallacy of trying to pass I've read here. I don't pass but it doesn't stop me going out and interacting with one and all any opportunity I get.

    It also leads me on to what is one of my pet hates, FaceApp and Photo shopping. Okay I understand why folks do it. It's nice to fantasise about looking good, to be that attractive female but for others it leaves them feeling they can't match that level of passing and so feel ever more insecure about their own appearance.

    I will always show how I look warts and all so that when others see my image and that I don't pass but do get out and about and have a great time doing it that they will say, if she can I can and get out there too.

    So Charlotte, I hereby award you free membership of the NPBGOC, the, Not passing But Going Out Club. Make the most of your membership.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member josie_S's Avatar
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    You are absolutely not alone and I am sorry you are struggling.

  23. #23
    Member Dana3's Avatar
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    I've grown and evolved to the point? It doesn't matter.

    There's lots of GG's who don't meet the "Standard" who don't meet whatever cultural, societial "Standard" of the epitome of femininity?

    A LOT of being feminine has do with self expression.

    Years ago, when I was involved with a GG, back when girls wearing boys boxer underwear as outerwear. My GF's 14 ~ 15 year old sister came running through the house wearing such.

    Just teasing her? I asked why she was wearing boys ~ men's boxers as outerwear? Her response was GOLDEN.

    "Because I WANT to and CAN!"

    Honestly? When I look through the photos of before and after on this sight? I see a tremendous improvement over the appearances of men dressing and expressing themselves in feminine attire, makeup and such.

    To me? Its NOT so much about passing as a GG? But, more about experiencing and expressing oneself in a feminine manner?

  24. #24
    Member Debs's Avatar
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    Get in the bath shave everything, even shave your eyebrows, I shave my arms as well, believe me, you will feel different, just find it hard to do my eyebrows, use soft light colour, trying to do them in black always ends in disaster

  25. #25
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    Hi Charlotte , Sometimes we just have to Play the Hand that we were Dealt , >Orchid**00**
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

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