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Thread: Don't buy her anything

  1. #1
    Silver Member Maria 60's Avatar
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    Sep 2010

    Don't buy her anything

    Last month my employer was out of the country and his wife called me with an emergency and I took care of it. Yesterday my employer finished his 2 weeks in isolation and he called me to his office. Surprisingly he appreciated that I helped his wife and especially it was on a Sunday and that I left my family to help. Really more surprisingly he handed me a envolpe with money in appreciation for helping him out. Well considering I thought I was getting fired and trust me he's never been one to hand out money I guess it was a win,win situation.
    The first thing I thought of was to go to the jewelry store and buy my wife a gift. When I got home I forgot that the family all went to a beach and they returned and everyone was in my yard and there I was with a jewelry store wrapped gift in my hand. Everybody started mocking me that I was a kiss ass to my wife. I told them the situation of my employer and I decided to buy my wife something and my wife opened and she automatically said I didn't have to do anything for her. I was surprised because the first person who pulled me aside was my mother and told me why I spent that money just out of the blue like that, and followed by my mother in law who gave me a theory about saving money for a rainy day, typical Europen thinking.
    My brother in law gave me a "shooter" comment after his wife asked him why he never comes home with something just out of the blue.
    After everyone left my wife asked me why I didn't get something for myself, after all I worked for it. I told her it was nothing, for what she does for me I wish I could pull the moon from the sky and give it to her.
    I told her a situation that happened last weekend, she did a little clean up of some clothes and asked me before she donates it if I wanted to see if I wanted anything. I was trying on clothes and she was laying on the bed on her phone and all at once I looked myself in the mirror and she told me to turn around she wanted to see how it looked from the front. As I was about to turn around I got this shot of reality, I'm looking myself in the mirror wearing a dress and my wife is asking me to turn around because she is interested in how it looks on me. POW, I got hit with this almost embarrassment of being dressed like that in front of her, even after 30 plus years of doing so, and still can't believe it.
    I explained to her I could have never imagined in my life that I would have such a supportive wife and maybe not to expect a gift everyday but that I also don't want to take her for granted and show my appreciation.
    I told her that I seen she had her eye on that bracelet and I bought it for her, just the same way when I put my eye something fem she buys it for me.
    In my mother and mother in laws theory is "save your money and don't do anything like that again because she's going to expect it all the time and will take advantage of your kindness.
    What do you think about there theory, I believe it must not be easy for my wife to see her man (husband) dressed in women's clothes and to even support it. I think it's worth something.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Who knows about the wisdom of it all, but I've always been one to love buying my wife little, and not so little, gifts as the opportunity presented itself. I'd always come by on your side of that argument.

  3. #3
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Dec 2016
    Denver, Colorado
    Maria, in my opinion, you did the right thing which is follow your heart. Your wife is special for being so supportive and it seems you two have a two way give and take relationship which is pretty healthy even though, in the eyes of the norm, kind of weird in some ways. Any weirdness is nothing more than a prejudice and belief that males and men and females are women and crossing them over in any way is unnatural. Baloney!!! Gifting in a marriage is just as important as in courtship. You and your wife are right on the money for you two. It appears she accepts you for who you are and does not try to make you into the ideal Prince Charming.

    The rest of the family may think you are doing it all wrong. Some in my family tease and mock my "feminine tendencies." It does not feel good because it amounts to rejection. Your mother and mother-in-law have a right to their views and there is nothing wrong with them, but you need to follow your heart and make your own decisions. Your are a grown-up now. You did just that.
    Last edited by GretchenM; 07-24-2021 at 08:36 AM.

  4. #4
    Just being true to myself Jolene Robertson's Avatar
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    Jun 2012
    Southern US
    Love your story and thanks for sharing. I'm more like you most of the time we go shopping and I get something for me I end up buying her something too. After all having a supportive wife is priceless.

  5. #5
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Jan 2014
    It's your money, your life. Your wife sounds very kind. If you buy her a gift, it's no one's business except between the two of you.

    I think it's rude that they made comments to you about what you do with your money.

  6. #6
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
    Michigan USA
    It is sweet that you want to buy your wife a gift

  7. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    The most appreciated gifts are those that are impromptu. Last night while we were eating dinner with my son and his family the question arose again: "What do you want for your birthday?" which is coming up this week. I don't know why the entire crowd does not comprehend my answer; "Just take me out for a cup of coffee!" My wife and I can buy anything we want whenever we want. The gift of time is cherished more than some other piece of nothing they will have to dispose of when we all die.

    Yes, the best gift is the gift that is given "just because." Your brother-in-law is a dick! And "saving money for a rainy day" usually means you die with a load of cash when it could have meant getting or doing something of joy and meaningful to others.

    You did the right thing and they all know it!

  8. #8
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Aug 2013
    If mama ain't happy, nobody is happy!

    I buy my wife little things all the time. They don't have to cost much. I believe she just loves the idea that I was thinking about her.

    It was her birthday the other day. We had a small get together, my dad wanted to come see her for her birthday, (he does that!) and she went and picked up her mom, so it was the four of us. I had gone out and picked up a card and she had mentioned she wanted one of these wax warmer things. Just a fancy light that melts wax with a fragrance. Basically an air freshener. So I picked one up for her and a handful of different fragrance wax cubes and gave her that for her birthday. She got all mushy, then felt bad because she didn't get me anything for my birthday a couple months earlier. I told her to look outside at the new pickup I was driving that i had just bought a few weeks earlier, but it wasn't good enough for her! $30 wax warmer versus a $50,000 pickup! I suppose she wanted to personally buy and give me something.
    Last edited by Pumped; 07-24-2021 at 11:27 AM.

  9. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Clearly, mother and mother in law should have complimented you for buying your wife something lovely, and spared you the lecture on saving for a rainy day.
    Our only truth is narrative truth, the stories we tell each other and ourselves, the stories we continually recategorize and refine. Such subjectivity is built into the very nature of memory. Oliver Sacks

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov 2020
    NYC Metro Area
    You did the Right Thing and it will be remembered by the two of you. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person, and your marriage and relationship speaks for itself.

  11. #11
    Junior Member Jacke's Avatar
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    Dec 2019
    Thanks you for the reminder. I do things like this for my wife, but need to do it more often. As for the other folks, they do not matter. It is between you and your wife. Keep loving each other.

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member GracieRose's Avatar
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    Aug 2017
    You did the right thing. Saving for a rainy day is a good thing, however, it's not wise to save everything once you have a reasonable rainy day fund. It's also not wise to spend everything as soon as it is on your hands. Like everything else, balance is important.
    You had some unexpected money, you knew of something that your wife wanted. You made her happy for two reasons. Her new acquisition. And probably more so, she was happy for your thoughtfulness towards her.
    I suspect that your boss, who is never one to hand out money, was prompted to show his generosity at his wife's suggestion. It is possible that he wouldn't have thought of it himself.

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member
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    Aug 2008
    Northern Nevada
    Pay no attention to your mother and mother-in-law. You are married to your wife, not to them.

  14. #14
    Platinum Member
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    Dec 2008
    S.E.Baltimore Co. Maryland USA
    Hi Maria, That is the kind of thing that has worked great for me for 57 years now, >Orchid**00**
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Jul 2018
    New England
    I'm glad you got this off your chest. What a read! Seriously, relatively small windfalls are the perfect opportunity to show a loved one that you love them. A random wad of money fell into your lap and the first thing you did was think of doing something nice and unnecessary for the woman you love. Full stop.

    She won't admit it, but I'm sure she understands exactly what you did and appreciates you immensely for it.

    Good. For. You.

  16. #16
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    May 2015
    France, Villessot near St Christophe
    You certainly did the right thing in doing such as you did, it would have been selfish in a way to have spent the all of the money on yourself instead you reinforced what your wife means to you. I would have done the same
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
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    Mar 2016
    Orlando, Fl
    I'm very much the same way with a windfall like that. Although if she is aware of it she insists on me spending it on myself. So I get similar reactions from her with the surprise from her. But she gets over it quickly and appreciates it very much. Therefore it's well worth it!

    This is a song that has touched my heart where it comes to my wife.

    My Life's A Dance by Ann Murray

  18. #18
    Life is more fun in heels Genifer Teal's Avatar
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    May 2005
    The work you did took you away from your family. It was nice of you to share the bounty fit them.

  19. #19
    Silver Member Frannie7's Avatar
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    Sep 2016
    SW Ontario
    I think that was a very thoughtful thing you did for your wife. The best presents are often the unexpected ones. I agree with many here that the other members of your family were a bit out of line.

  20. #20
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Do you think there's a real chance either of you will take the other for granted? Only you two know the answer, but I suspect not. For one, most CDs in this forum greatly appreciate when or if they have a spouse who is supportive. You both seem to make inquiries about what the other wants. You think of your wife before you think of yourself, and she probably does the same.

    The relationship I'm concerned about is the one between you and your boss. How often are you at his beck and call? Why does his wife think you're her go-to guy? He paid you for your services, but you thought there was a chance you'd be fired. It looks dangerously familiar to me.

  21. #21
    Member Lori Ann Westlake's Avatar
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    Mar 2021
    Maria, take no notice of what anybody at this gathering said to you! I agree with everyone here. You did absolutely the right thing by buying your wife that bracelet. A surprise gift is always welcome, and you're to be congratulated for taking notice and remembering it was something she wanted. I'm sure she appreciated it all the more on that account.

    Frankly I'm shocked at the reaction you got from that gathering. "Everybody started mocking" you? I mean, like, "everybody"? How many? Who on earth are these people, and what the heck is wrong with them all? You are not being a "kiss-ass" to your wife ("uxorious" is the polite word!) for buying her a surprise gift. You're just being a good partner expressing your love for her and continuing to cement your marriage.

    I'd like to make one thing plain. In principle this has nothing to do with your being "feminine" or with crossdressing. Your wife's acceptance of Maria happens to be a very special and important thing she does for you in your own marriage, but in other marriages there are plenty of good wives (and husbands) who do other highly valued things for their partners and are pleased to accept a loving gift from their partners in return. That to me is perfectly normal, even if not everybody does it.

    Where was everybody coming from with their criticism of you? I can understand your mother's and mother-in-law's reluctance to spend money if they came from an impoverished background, but I'm sure you have common sense and wouldn't go spending money you need if you were up to your ears in debt. It's your right to use your good judgment and spend your money in the wisest possible way, no matter what anyone else says. And this gift was an investment in your marriage.

    When my father left school and got his first job, out of his first week's wages he bought his mother a gift. This was far longer ago than you might guess, and money was tight at the time. What he bought her was a can of salmon. I know that sounds ridiculous today, but back then it was a luxury. And I'm sure she appreciated it.

    As for your brother-in-law, I can see why he was miffed if his wife took him to task for failing to do the same. However, you are "leading by example." and if he chooses to see this positively instead and follow suit, his wife should be all the happier for it.

    What troubles me is both your mother's and mother-in-law's idea that if you "spoil" your wife she will only take advantage of you. This strikes me as an extremely unhealthy and destructive attitude, based on the notion of marriage, not as teamwork between mutually trusting love partners, but as an "adversary relationship" where each partner seeks to exploit the other and needs to be kept under control by "rationing" of each partner's contributions. If many people take that miserably stingy approach to marriage, no wonder so many marriages fail! I hope there aren't many couples getting the kind of marriage-busting advice you were getting in that gathering.

    Too many marriages founder due simply to lack of appreciation by one partner for the other, where partners take each other for granted. "Appreciation" doesn't have to take the form of a gift. It takes other forms too, as Gary Chapman for one explained in his book The 5 Love Languages. But I'm sure you did the right thing with that gift for your wonderful wife!

  22. #22
    Member Mermaiden's Avatar
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    Aug 2018
    You have nothing to apologize for. You did something nice for your wife because youre generous and love her.
    But the part that gets me scratching my head is why the rest of the family wouldn?t react by just being happy for and for her?

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Feb 2017
    Quote Originally Posted by Maria 60 View Post
    My wife asked her cousin if she's his wife or maid, her cousin said that's how it is in Europe the man goes to work and the women stays home and takes care of the house and her husband.
    Quote Originally Posted by Maria 60 View Post
    If anyone knows a older Europen man they don't know anything about cooking or cleaning, I actually believe my father in-law doesn't know what a stove is for.
    Quote Originally Posted by Maria 60 View Post
    I was surprised because the first person who pulled me aside was my mother and told me why I spent that money just out of the blue like that, and followed by my mother in law who gave me a theory about saving money for a rainy day, typical Europen thinking.
    Arrrrrrr, busted! We Europens (or is it Europeans?) entirely missed the 21st century revolution and still hunt diplodocuses in the lush jungles of the old continent. Sooner or later we knew somebody would eventually find out...

    Apart from that, nice story.
    "There's one thing I don't understand. The thing that I don't understand is every [bleep]-ing thing about crossdressing." - The Blimey
    For those who consider telling their SOs, read this fine manual first:

  24. #24
    Silver Member Debra Russell's Avatar
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    Jun 2010
    You did good Maria.....................Debra

  25. #25
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    I can understand the need not to waste money.

    However, this was in effect free money, as you did not expect to receive anything.

    Getting your wife a gift was a wonderful idea.

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

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